A new begining that is familiar

"Why are you typing on your computer?!?!?!? I'm a real fucking person and I'm right here in front of you!!!! TALK TO ME!" It was something along those lines that was said to me. A summer in Florida a few years ago now. The last time we really hung out. She was right. She was totally right. I had become too comfortable writing and I wasn't as good at talking as I could've been. I called her crying and asked her to come down and see me because I was a mess. And she did. I was having a hard time being alone. It was the hardest thing I'd done in my life. She had came down there because I needed somebody. And she was right in front of me but I couldn't even talk to her. I'm glad she yelled at me then. She was right and I needed to hear it. So I stopped writing. Not completely at first but a lot. We never talked anymore. This was the only way she knew what was going on in my life. And I guess it helped her to read what was going on in my life/my thoughts/feelings in some way too. She knew I had a big heart. She knew I cared. But the fact that no one had viewed my blog in months and then one person did the day before she took her life... I knew that was her. And I felt like I let her down again. I played the "what if" game (nothing good ever comes from it). I guess I feel guilty because maybe I could've written the right thing that would've given her enough hope. I was so outgoing and caring before her. She changed that in me. And I don't blame her for it, because she was an amazing woman. She went through hell and never got the amount of love that she needed. But I wasn't enough of a support for her. She needed more. And I still feel helpless and guilty about it all. I have a lot of sorrow and pain that I've kept inside. I'm taking steps to help myself face this. I recently really fucked up and almost lost the most important person in my life. I'm done losing people. Writing this feels good. I just need to remember to talk too. <3