"Having intimate human relationships is the hardest thing we do in our lives. I truly believe that."

Love is something we will continue to learn about throughout our entire lives. I think that's awesome and beautiful. I've started re-reading books by Leo Buscaglia. We can so easily forget the little, simple things. It's good to have reminders. I want to be a better lover. First to myself and then to others. My heart has a soft place for people that I feel do not receive the amount of love they deserve; or maybe just need a little more support. I want to instantly give them the love and support they need. I really think that's why I started dating Beth. She wasn't getting enough love and support. She needed more. More than I could give her as a friend. Because you can only help someone so much as a friend. And it complicates things a lot when they are an extremely sexual person. But I don't want this post to be about her. I'm trying to understand where this place in my heart comes from. I like to call it passion. Where does this passion come from? I remember when I first started struggling with things. I was kind of religious. But if God cared then why would he let me go through this stuff? I feel away from religion. I remember taking a road trip down to Heavy & Light. I remember hearing Aaron G. speak. I remember we were driving back up the coast, somewhere in South Carolina I think. My best friend Chris was driving; Carra and Rachel in the backseat. I had headphones in and got a revelation. I remember taking them off and telling everyone my life just changed. "What if the reason I went through all this stuff before was so I can now relate and help others?". I believe that statement is true. I'm super excited that I'm spending my life helping others. I'm not sure if I believe in God or not anymore but that's another conversation. I think I'm scared though that by getting help now and talking about stuff I'm going to loose some of this passion. Because I think that maybe this passion is fueled by guilt I have. I don't feel anything more extreme in my life than my passion for helping others. And I think that scares me in regards to the friendships and relationships I have. Because if the most intense feelings I've had in my life are caused by underlying guilt... that sucks. And maybe I'm dwelling on the negative cause I'm feeling depressed tonight. I think my passion has changed for other reasons. I've lost heroes. I don't have people I really look up to anymore and see as larger than life (a negative thing about having interned with TWLOHA, though there were many great). That was a huge source of my inspiration. But I'm thinking now too. When I first meet people I love to bring up that I lived in Florida for a year. Maybe because it's different. Or maybe because that's the last time I felt happy. Honestly fully happy. Or maybe it was before that but I was able to lie to myself for part of the time down there. And that's not at all to say that there aren't things or people that make me happy now. There are tons! But since running away down south I've also had this knot in my heart. This is hopeful. To think that maybe I can be happier than I have been in awhile. Happier with myself. I've thought a lot lately also about how I hate hearing compliments. I remember that was the case in Florida. I don't think it comes from being humble (let's be honest, I can be cocky). I think it's because of this guilt I have and I don't want to accept good things. Because I can always do better ("every day I try to be a little less shitty of a person"). It's funny sometimes how I seem to just write the same stuff on here. Over and over again. <3