Not being able to reach out to someone that you care about, because you hurt them. Because it's probably best to have some space for a little while. Time is needed to look within and figure yourself out. This is what I'm struggling with right now.
I want you to be ok and happier more than I want us to be okay.
Saying that is a huge step for me, and I think a good one. A healthy one.
What's tough for me, is waiting. Is being patient. I know my time here (on earth) is limited. I think that's something we all take too much for granted. That's why if I want to give someone a huge hug and just spend time with them, it's hard to wait. It's hard for me to not get bummed when a friend cancels plans. I want to walk through life with others as much as possible. Because people don't suck, they're beautiful. We can learn a lot from each other.
Maybe we all need someone believing in us. I know it sure helps me.
Make the world a better place. A happier one. It starts with yourself. It starts with loving. I'm re-learning all this.
Every day I try to be a little less shitty of a person.
Progress
< 3
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Get inspired
Lately I've been listening to a lot of music that has had meaning to me. Music that inspires me, and allows me to feel inside. Music is so amazing, and I think that's something that can't be said enough.
Today I'm going to listen to a lot of music. And hopefully be productive and also have fun. We waste too much time in life. Here's to trying to get some back today.
< 3
Today I'm going to listen to a lot of music. And hopefully be productive and also have fun. We waste too much time in life. Here's to trying to get some back today.
< 3
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Learning
I'm learning to be the person I am, and love whoever that is. I'm learning to be that person for me. Not anyone else. I'm going to be okay with the decisions I make. With the person I am. For right now, I'd like to say at least for right now. I know that life can change. I know that I don't have things figured out, but I'll keep trying to figure out more.
Right now I have things I know, and things I wonder. It's good to have both, and it's also good to recognize what is in each category respectively.
I know:
I need to learn to love me. To be okay to be the person I am, and not let what others say have a huge impact on me and my life. I can listen to other people, and consider things, but I should have a foundation of what makes me me.
I'm doubting that as I wrote it. I mean, I'm always changing who I am. But having a foundation, or a place that I can always go back to, like a home, that'd be good.
Maybe what I know, is nothing....
What I ask:
What should be part of my foundation?
How/where does love fall into this equation?
Maybe what I know, is questions....
It's difficult, because we ARE always changing. Maybe however, there are some things that we can always believe to be true. I mean, there are videos I watch, books, posts, and other readings that are always true to me when I read them. But I dont always want to read nor watch them. And in those moments when I dont want to... those tend to be the difficult ones. There's a lot to think about. Here's to trying to figure out just some of it out.
This isn't for you. Any of you. Anyone else out there in the world. First and foremost, this is for me.
< 3
Right now I have things I know, and things I wonder. It's good to have both, and it's also good to recognize what is in each category respectively.
I know:
I need to learn to love me. To be okay to be the person I am, and not let what others say have a huge impact on me and my life. I can listen to other people, and consider things, but I should have a foundation of what makes me me.
I'm doubting that as I wrote it. I mean, I'm always changing who I am. But having a foundation, or a place that I can always go back to, like a home, that'd be good.
Maybe what I know, is nothing....
What I ask:
What should be part of my foundation?
How/where does love fall into this equation?
Maybe what I know, is questions....
It's difficult, because we ARE always changing. Maybe however, there are some things that we can always believe to be true. I mean, there are videos I watch, books, posts, and other readings that are always true to me when I read them. But I dont always want to read nor watch them. And in those moments when I dont want to... those tend to be the difficult ones. There's a lot to think about. Here's to trying to figure out just some of it out.
This isn't for you. Any of you. Anyone else out there in the world. First and foremost, this is for me.
< 3
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Tonight I wish I could listen to We don't need to whisper
Being around family and old friends is great. It's a safe, comfortable feeling. I like it. This absolutely allows me to feel like me. I have a very strong desire to just love and be loved. It isn't controlling me, but I acknowledge it's presence. There are things I miss, and I'm going to make sure the second I get back home I go after them. If not sooner.
Life is teaching me lessons everyday. I'm open to learning them. I'm thankful my parents are down here. I'm thankful that I can be around people that feel like home and how much it helps to remind me who I am. I'm learning to grow. I re-realized something today. This seems like huge progress for me. I'm not ready to share what that is though. Life is a confusing mess sometimes. But when we share it with one another, it's beautiful.
I'd like to believe you're still reading these. Please know that I love you.
< 3
Life is teaching me lessons everyday. I'm open to learning them. I'm thankful my parents are down here. I'm thankful that I can be around people that feel like home and how much it helps to remind me who I am. I'm learning to grow. I re-realized something today. This seems like huge progress for me. I'm not ready to share what that is though. Life is a confusing mess sometimes. But when we share it with one another, it's beautiful.
I'd like to believe you're still reading these. Please know that I love you.
< 3
Monday, August 22, 2011
Day by day
I'm not that big into the 12 steps, and certain programs like that. I'm not not into them, I just haven't researched them a lot. But I think maybe they have it right when they say take it day by day. That's what I've been trying to do. Trying to wake up and just see the beauty and good in each day. To recognize the opportunities it is holding for me.
Ideas a flowing. Things are being written down on paper. I'm making big plans. I'm making sure I enjoy everyday. Life is beautiful. God damn it, I'm going to fucking see that life is beautiful every single damn day for the rest of my life. No matter how much pain, hurt, loneliness, and sorrow that comes with it... it's still fucking beautiful.
Embrace it.
Ideas a flowing. Things are being written down on paper. I'm making big plans. I'm making sure I enjoy everyday. Life is beautiful. God damn it, I'm going to fucking see that life is beautiful every single damn day for the rest of my life. No matter how much pain, hurt, loneliness, and sorrow that comes with it... it's still fucking beautiful.
Embrace it.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
This might be a break through
Dear Kevin,
Stop trying to be perfect. You can't. You won't ever be. Every single person in this world has their flaws. You have yours, and it's okay to accept and own them.
Right now, your stuck in this unhealthy cycle. You don't really have any small coping mechanisms. Because, you don't want to try to cope with anything in a way that could be unhealthy, or just make simple little things real. But things build up, like they always will, and then you end up making a decision to try to cope in a very unhealthy, non rational way. You end up with one big pathetic coping mechanism that is 100% unacceptable and you know it.
Stop trying to be perfect. For now, be whoever you need to be. If you want a drink at the end of the day, have one. There's no harm in it. If you want reach out to people to talk, just do it. It's okay to let someone else know what's going on. If you just need a break, take one. You don't have to always push yourself. It has lead you to unhealthy places before, and it certainly will do so in the future unless you change the way you go about things.
So please, be unperfect, and love the person you are with all of the flaws, struggles, questions, and pain that makes you you.
"Everyday I try to be a little less shitty of a person". - That means there's always room for improvement. Learn to be okay with that.
< 3
Stop trying to be perfect. You can't. You won't ever be. Every single person in this world has their flaws. You have yours, and it's okay to accept and own them.
Right now, your stuck in this unhealthy cycle. You don't really have any small coping mechanisms. Because, you don't want to try to cope with anything in a way that could be unhealthy, or just make simple little things real. But things build up, like they always will, and then you end up making a decision to try to cope in a very unhealthy, non rational way. You end up with one big pathetic coping mechanism that is 100% unacceptable and you know it.
Stop trying to be perfect. For now, be whoever you need to be. If you want a drink at the end of the day, have one. There's no harm in it. If you want reach out to people to talk, just do it. It's okay to let someone else know what's going on. If you just need a break, take one. You don't have to always push yourself. It has lead you to unhealthy places before, and it certainly will do so in the future unless you change the way you go about things.
So please, be unperfect, and love the person you are with all of the flaws, struggles, questions, and pain that makes you you.
"Everyday I try to be a little less shitty of a person". - That means there's always room for improvement. Learn to be okay with that.
< 3
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