anyone who wears a "free hugs" shirt is my hero

i wonder if it will end the same. cause they all start different. shes the beautiful white horse in the grass fields. now i just have to figure out if im the noble steed or the hunter. i haven't given up my power to her yet. i still have all of my secrets. i feel free and alive. not 100%. but a good amount.
i want to just create music so bad right now. i want to wake up tomm on a tour bus. im dying to go.
is that because im just dying to give up on certain people here? how am i supposed to help people more when im further away? i really believe that the number one thing when your helping someone stay alive and helping them searching for a reason to do so it touch. its the one word that sticks out in my mind from the fray's how to save a life video. touch. i thing sometimes people just need hugs. i think its the best way to start and end a conversation. and sometimes even in the middle they work. its just something about them that just makes me feel so much better. maybe that our hearts are so close together. maybe because our brains can flirt with thoughts without speaking words. maybe it just makes me realize that we really aren't all that different. cause we aren't. small differences are just exaggerated. and they allow us to put up more barriers against each other and grow apart. i can help anyone under the right conditions. i can do whatever i want if i seize time. i've become obsessed with time. it controls us. its basically the only one thing that really can. its the idea with the most power behind it. but how much power does it have? i mean, it's just an idea we all chose to believe. sure some really understand it, but most of us dont. and thats exactly the problem. we just accept to many things. we dig the graves for ourselves. America is committing suicide. somebody please stop it. i mean, the say its illegal, but is anyone really doing anything?
<3

it's summer: get a good tan, stay by the pool, call out of work, have fun..... but don't forget to be alone

why do i write this? most of the time its only because i want to feel like theres a chance im helping someone or reaching someone. but i dont know. im ignorant just like the people i look down on. i hope that these words can mean something to someone and help them, but i dont know really. i dont get to see the eyes in the front row yet. i dont get fan mail. for all i know, no one could be reading this. but i still do it anyway. most of the time im writing cause i dont have anyone that will listen. and when i do, they'll get tired of listening to me. cause i can fuckin talk forever. so do me a favor if your actaully reading this because your life is that boring. or maybe you've figured out how fucked up everything else is in the world, nd this just make sense. these words say every secret you wish you could. almost. but save it. keep it. and if i actually make it someday, show it to me nd let me know that i had someone care since the days of me being not a musician or a guy in a band thats a douche; but just a plain douche bag that can also be one the most caring hearts when it comes to other broken ones. 

i wish some person that doesnt know me just walked up to me and told me they love my writing. the day that happens is the day i'll start to feel alive again. <3

i wanted this to be as random as pancakes for thanksgiving, but it didnt turn out that way.

im always so critical of myself. but maybe, not enough. i fall back over and over again when all i really want to do is to get up. but do i really want to get up? 

every one of these post. every piece of paper in my notebooks. every line in the songs. they all just mean one thing. i guess i can never figure out how to exactly say it. that or im just trying to find a way to say it where other people can really understand it like i do. 

im the awkward one. i sit bak and am shy. most of the time. but i kinda wish i always was like that. i mean, we all have our certain friends that we can act however the fuck we want around, but i mean in general. when im not that person, i usually regret it later. 

i've realized it becomes very hard to not say idk. people say it so much in life and lie by doing so. if you think about whatever it is a little more, or try a little harder; it usually comes to you. but we've been taught at a young age to just give up i guess.

how does that make us the better generation?

<3

" I've become what a mother wouldn't want in a son"

i forget sometimes how alive concerts can make me feel. i guess you just need the right bands. i can tell im focusing way to much on the stuff that "doesnt matter". i dont give a fuck about money. i dont give a fuck about much of anything. i just want to write and practice (makes perfect, perfect sense). the weeks are ticking down. the days are passing by. the demons and monsters in my house are packing and getting ready to move with me. along with misery. and love. if you want to call it that. i've decided love took drugs before it found me. that would explain me. wouldnt it? i still believe and will bet everything that i've had my first true love. but would a real first love leave? why do i always call it my first? i dont think there will ever be a second.

tomm i want to go to Las Vegas and get married to my broken heart.

<3

"your the heartbreak kid"

i look for love when i tell myself i shouldnt. maybe shes the start of something new. maybe she could save me. maybe she'll turn into the final thread holding me up, only to cut me. im dying to leave. i think the town is eager for the same thing. wouldnt you believe it? they could probably hold a party throughout the whole town celebrating. it'd be the biggest one of the year. i have so many ideas that have been flowing thru my head again lately. thats the hard part. now its just figuring out how to write them all down.

<3

Im still lost

and i always will be

im the kid that keeps falling

there the girls that keep calling

wouldn't you think id learn enough to run away?

cause i dont

ive seen nothing but false happiness for 2 years now. i've been drowning, and if i stay under in this pool of blood for a few more seconds i might die. would anyone be willing to save me? would you?... or you? no, well i didnt think so. its ok. someone was kind enough to throw a boat over the side of there sinking ship. but it needed to be inflated, and i had no oxygen left. every ship in the ocean is sinking right now. so why should anyone try to save me? they're all closer to the death than me. the death that wont come fast enough for some of us. theres no room in my heart for you. even if i tell you otherwise. im the lab rat for love. just record my data then thrown me back in the cage. this house feels like a cage at times, so i guess thats close enough. then again, i thought she was close enough to the girl of my dreams, but i was wrong.

i dont bleed for you anymore.

i dont bleed for them.

i dont even bleed for me.

today, i just bleed to die.

ill say goodbye to the lies

before im laid to rest

the truth would've hit my chest

its like a bullet, more severe   

cause im still running from my fears

wasting another year here

im shedding my tears

blood taste better salty

<3

a new town, new faces, a new chance.

i smiled. it felt so weird. being at a place where no1 really knows me. no one knows everything i've been through. no1's herd rumors, no1's seen scars. i have so many secrets that not a single person knows out here. the sky is beautiful. but even right now, on my first night, i sit in my room alone. i dont know how i should feel about it. good, happy, sad, lonely. i've made friends. today i sat down at lunch with a drummer and guitarist not even knowing it. im surrounded by people that love this as much as i do. im loving the conversation im having right now. i see new windows opening.

<3

ive felt a lot of things many times, but love only once

i dont say sorry anymore, but if did, now would be a good time for it.

it takes a lot sometimes for us to get back to reality. i shouldnt date. i love getting close to people emotionally. but thats it. if thats the only connection then i dont have to worry about love. because frankly, i dont want it. im scared of it. there. i said it. when it comes to new and future love, im just a fraud. except its worse than taking money. i take hearts. because the easiest way for me to go back to feeling the way i want to, is by feeling like shit for having hurt someone else. tonight, i want to dig a hole and sleep in the ground. i new the end was going to happened, but i can never predict the way it will. she got me thinking again. am i just trying to feel like i did in the past? i know im nostalgic, but maybe to a degree thats too high. i press my wrist so hard against the edge of this laptop when i type. its what feels right. stop in the middle of a bridge and get out. dance around until you fall down. it almost felt as good as bleeding again. i dont know who to miss right now. i dont know who i want to be my friend. i dont know what ill do. but i know i should just be completely alone fr a few days. maybe ill make new friends in the summer. with all the heat; people might like someone that can be so cold. i crossed my heart and hoped to die. years later it crosses my mind, but i just lie. i want to climb up to the top of a tree at night. i want to distance myself from everybody. make me my own little island in the middle of the atlantic that only i can teleport to whenever i feel the urge. 

i thought this town was paradise, until i realized you lived here.

now i know that hell is starting to become a place on earth.

the devil won't even want you though.

you're hearts too cold for hell.

<3

Graduation

I can finally move on. i can go in any direction i want. there's nothing holding me here that won't let me leave anymore. i can go and do whatever the fuck i want. i dont have to be stuck around people anymore that make me feel so down just because i snuck one glance at them.
where will i go?
how will i manage to screw up?

<3

I don't fit in around here anymore

i used to have a lot of friends. i used to be liked for the most part. but everythings changed. im alone. im pathetic. im the worst human being ever. more people would agree with that than disagree that know me. so am i really over exaggerating?
i tried to be different. i've taken my own path. i've questioned more things and not just accepted things for the way they are. "i took the path less traveled and it has made all the difference" it's made me feel so alone. its so much harder to find someone to guide me when i need help. things feel right when im alone, but at what cause? its just one day after another of getting up and dreading going through the fucking day doing absolutly nothing of significance. cause how do we know what the fuck is significant anyway?
it's like a big math problem. we dont even really know anything. we all just accept and believe what we want to. everything can be changed because everything has an assumed constant that isn't actually there.
but everyone accepts that it's there because it's eaiser.
me?
i dont accept it.
and what do i get in return?
moments were i remember it all and regret its gone.
times where i feel like i just owe an appology to everyone.
times where i feel like i dont have anyone to talk to, because i dont even understand what the pain is that i feel.
me? i just flat out feel abandoned.
<3