Irony....

There's a day when we all dress up and pretend we're someone else.
It's so easy to be something we're not, but do we know who we really are?


ponder that. my heart is too tied up in itself right now to flow feelings through these fingers.



dying,
< 3

He makes me feel worth living

I've been searching frantically for FOB secret shows. I believe I found one in NYC, but I'm not sure. I'm going to go to it 90% sure. Hopefully it's real. It'd be awesome to find one in the Boston area, but I doubt I'm that lucky. I've been on the internet for hours lurking here and there. It's so nice to do something like this that gives me a good feeling. Have I mentioned that I've been searching the internet for hours?
Off to do math homework, but I'll probably search a little more first. And after.


I love the last few sips of a hot coffee. I hadn't had one in so many months, but I figured what the hell, it might snow tonight so I guess It's not too early.


dying
<3

countdown to happiness

My arms feel weak. My hands are tired. These days aren't getting any shorter, just darker. Time is a waste. I'm sorry if this writing consist of nothing positive. I'm depressed, so your going to have to deal with this until I get some pills, find some one to talk to, or maybe this will be the last thing. We think about past memories because it's the easiest way for us to feel something that is good. I seriously considered just leaving here today and selling a few things. Driving to the middle of the country, probably Chicago. Then just waiting for Fall Out Boy to start their tour, and fallow them around and go to every show. That would get me through the next year. I don't really know what else will. I don't have anyone within 50 miles of me that can give me a meaningful hug. Lines from books and pages of notes fill my head as my heart stays empty. And there's supposed to be four years of this shit?

Remember when we used to just lie on your couch and spend 20 minutes telling each other to pick something to watch? But in reality we weren't going to watch it anyway, so it didn't matter? Remember falling asleep in each others arms not because we were tired, but because nothing felt better than waking up next to each other? Remember staying up so late on the phone sharing our childhood memories and asking each other the most randomest questions that we could think of? Remember?

Remember holding me while everyone else hated me? Sitting with me in the psychologist's office? Meeting me in the park and laying there with me, because nowhere else felt like home? Telling me I'll be ok when I needed to hear it? Answering the phone at 2 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5 times a day? Remembering holding me tight and giving me and giving me a kiss on the forehead; not to kiss me, but to kiss away the suicidal thoughts? Remember? Cause I remember no one being there for all of this except me. It's not your fault, but when you left me, the world turned away; and I was all alone. I'll give you enough credit to say that you left me with something though. You left me the reality firsthand that this world is barely worth living on without you.



I'm dying,
<3

I'm curious about the afterlife

"Lost and hurt and bone thin from the love that's been starved
I know it got close but I'm sure it's too far
From the point of suspense, we know it should be
The end of that part of our favorite movie
When the guy grabs the girl and gives her his hand
Says take me away from this torturous land
Cause the grave is set up, the hole that I dug"


This world isn't the right place for me

<3

If we don't talk until tomorrow it's ok. I'll be in a better mood. I'll be closer to death.

Late nights are made great by the reasons you stay up.

right now I sit in my bed, as my best friend is falling asleep next to me on the biggest fucking air mattress I have ever seen. I haven't felt this real in months. If something is going to actually happen with this whole dream of mine, he will be involved in some way. This is our time. It's almost here. And we are waiting for it.

believers never die
<3

"I've been here before a few times, and I'm quite aware; I'm dying"

Currently listening to- armor for sleep, dream to make believe, my town
Currently feeling- kind of ok

I haven't done this in a while. I want the world to slow down. I don't really know what to write. I told myself I'm going to try to be nicer, and more forgiving towards people. But I doubt it'll happen. Nobody seems worth second chances.
I just really don't understand what's so great about life.
Maybe I'm unsure of what to right, because I realize I'm at the end. That there isn't anything new to write. I got all the basic points. And they all tell me I should just die; so why don't I?

I wonder if all of my friends get text messages telling them that they shouldn't talk to me because I'm in a bad mood.
Full up your day just to try to keep your mind busy. But have you ever noticed, your heart is just dragging itself around?


If u want me to stop writing about u,and to stop thinking about u; ur gona have to ask me to die. Because there's no other way.
I just found something that tells me it's ok to live this way; feeling like this


<3

I want to go home

But I don't have one

This is what kills me

Knowing that helping someone else would make me feel a little better right now. Just might allow me to wake up tomorrow without debating whether or not I should get up. Knowing that somewhere in this world, there is someone lonelier than me right now. Knowing that tonight while billions of people go to sleep, thousands will die. A few will commit suicide. That right now I'm dying to talk to someone like this, and to help someone. And right now, someone is wishing someone could help them. But the night goes on and we will never talk. Maybe we'll meet in heaven.


They say the captain goes down with it's ship
so when the world ends, will God go down with it?*

<3

Also I forgot,

When you go through a real shitty time like this, you find out who is really there for you. You turn to a lot of "friends", when there isn't anyone else to turn to. Some people push you away, or are "too busy", or can't be bothered to help you. Some people don't care enough to try to help you, or even give you a place to sleep at night. But some people step up. You find out who your friends are; who will really do you a favor and be there for you when you need someone the most.
I hold very high standards for friends. There are a lot of people that I don't bother respecting, or being nice to; because I know that they wouldn't be there for me. I'm glad I'm that way; because on nights like two nights ago, when I pick up the phone, I kind of know how the conversation will go before I even press the send button. So to those few people that really didn't let me down, and showed me you cared; I thank you. Know that my little heart is stashed with your names. And I never forget it.

<3

If only I had the balls to fallow through.....

This is a suicide note I wrote yest. I wanted to die, I was ready to, but (sadly) I didn't. I just couldn't go through with it or maybe I didn't want to. I've done a lot of thinking since. I decided that after this year, or maybe even this semester; I'm going to take a few years off from college. I'm going to get an apartment and completely move out of my house. I'm going to get a full time job and be on my own. But most importantly, I'm going to try to start a band. I want to have a year or two when I can just focus on that. It's the only way it could actually happen, and I could go somewhere with it. But anyway, shut off music. Ask people to leave the room. This is the most truthful thing I've ever written. And to start off, It's sad when you consider checking yourself into a mental hospital just so you can sit in a place that is your "safe house". It's sad when I believed yesterday at one point that the closest I could get to feeling "at home" was a mental hospital.

The world is not good. It's not worth living on. Everyone becomes too caught up on the wrong things. Life isn't about money. The best thing in life is unconditional love. Except that is so hard to find. We are all taught the wrong philosophies of life from an early age. School is a waste of time. Life isn't about learning and memorizing things we read in textbooks. It's about meeting people, exploring the world, and searching for love. Everyone gets caught up in finding a good job, going to the right school. What about love? What about caring about other people. This world is failing, just look at it. Our economy is fucked, we are in war (the lucky ones die), there's a 50% divorce rate, more kids turn to drugs and beer, the crime rate is up. Priorities are all wrong. It's so hard to escape from it all. If you fallow your heart, you either get lucky, or fail. I don't think I'll get lucky.
Everyone has problems growing up. Most kids don't deal with them. We learn to run away at an early age, but all we do is fuck up our lives more. Keeping things inside changes us; it allows us to become someone we aren't. Sometimes it's hard to find someone to talk to, sometimes it's hard to share our problems with others. It's things everyone should learn to do however. We lie to ourselves all the time, just so we can move on. It's not heathy. I'm sick of lying. I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of wanting to have someone in my life that knows me and loves me. I'm not saying it's impossible that it will ever happen. I'm not saying it's impossible that I'd be in a band. But I'm saying I'm done waiting. I don't know what comes after death, but I'm eager to find out. Cause I don't give a fuck what the future is in this life.
I understand things. I feel right about what I write. I'm certain of a few things at least. But some are just completely clueless. I can't tell me parents how I really feel about them, and what I really think, because they couldn't handle it. I truly believe that life will only get worse for me right now, so I'm making a logical decision.

You only fall in luve once in life.
My heart still tells me I did.
p. 43 The Boy With The Thorn In His Side
< 3 (but there's nothing left, my body is just a corpse now)
Kevin Daniel Pelletier

We aren't as different as your think.

Music is my life. School isn't. I'm going to school for music, but I realize that they are two different things. I'm not fallowing my dream, I'm falling into a trap. Someone help me get out of this. I can't do it myself. I'm failing because my heart isn't into this. It makes me realize that this isn't important. The school I mean. The work. It's all just a waste. I'm still in love. And this broken heart is going to die with that. I don't feel right. I don't feel like I'm in charge of my life right now. I have no time. No time for me. No time to think and figure out things. I just keep going. Life isn't great when everyday seems the same.

What is time?
the unit used to measure this continuing pain


imsorryforyourlossihopeyouredoingok.


< broken 3

Me, Myself, and no one else

Hey there, is life going great?
Well do me a favor, and wait.
The truth will come in a painful form
You heart will be ripped, shredded, and torn
Your not Important, you don't matter
We're all just atoms, the universe is matter

I'm sorry to break your little hearts into pieces
But this is the truth, the truth
You're better off accepting my thesis:
In life we all lose, all lose


Deal with it how you must
Time is the wind and we are the dust
It's pushing us where we won't want to go
It's telling us truths we don't want to know
Before you know it kid, you'll be dead
Gone, and no one cared what you said
Don't try to save us, we're all dying
"You'll get through this", you're all lying

Slit my wrist just to feel alive
All because, You said you loved me,
And now you claim you lied.


I don't understand life. I'm killing my(self) potential right now. I still have every message. Every note. I still have every picture. And every memory still rests in my heart. I can't fucking stand it all. Maybe the world is moving on, but it's spinning to fast. No one can keep up. Look at how fucked up of a place we live in before you tell me I shouldn't live in the past. I miss breathing without a heavy heart. I miss having someone to go to that I believed would always be there for me. The streetlight is still on the corner. Maybe I should go sit under it this weekend. This life isn't turning out what I thought it would be. I'm living a life that wasn't made for me. I don't want to do this anymore.
Tonight I took a step back; and then ten more.
If you say your over me.
If you tell yourself it will never work out between us again.
If you believe you feel nothing towards me.
If you don't care to help me.
If you consider us done.
If you have written me off.
If your heart is honestly full.
Then please, just kill me.
Cause I'll never get over you.
Please kill me.
I'm standing on the edge.
I'll jump if you can watch, and walk away without a tear in your eye.
If you're ready to do that, tell me a time and a place and I'll be there.
Don't tell me you don't care.
Prove it.
It's the only way I'll leave you alone.
<3

"Believers never die"

I want a room full of people singing words to me that I wrote.

That's my one dream in life

<3

How to fall asleep alone

I'm not cut out for this world. I'm dying and I'm accepting it. I'm ready to go. I'm fine with being taken right now. I don't want to be "ok". I don't want to "settle". I want love. In the purest form there is. It looks nice outside, but it's not. I look fine, but I'm not. Open heart surgery couldn't save me now. Check me in to the mental hospital with queen size beds. Then meet me there at night. Lay with me (in my dreams); and run away before the sun comes up. Maybe if I dream it enough, I'll actually believe that you're there. "Do you know why your here?" because my heart hurts. because I'd rather die than be alone. If you say that in a movie it's romantic; if you say that In real life, then they write you a prescription. I feel lonely in every way there is too feel it. You want to live to be a hundred? I stopped living before I hit 17. There are brief moments I come back to life, but you can just consider me dead. I'm stuck out at sea, I'm yelling help, but no one can hear me.

I want answers, but the only people that just might have them I only meet with a barrier in between us. Because they're on stage, and im in the crowd. Every face tells a story, so what do they see when they look at mine? I feel like in a way they know I'm one of them. Thats why my hand was the one grabbed out of everyone by Pete, by William. That's conceited and probably a lie; but those moments are what have kept me alive. It's so odd how I'll become obsessed with death, but when someone tells me they are going to kill themselves, I try to talk them out of it. Hell you think I'd say, go for it, I wish I could. But something always tells me to tell other people to keep going. Half the time, I don't even know why I keep going. I know the real truths. It's why I'm in pain. I close my eyes and pretend that there is a body next to mine; then I move on and get through another day. I lay in bed and fall asleep telling myself a lie; just so I will be able to wake up in the morning without a heavy heart.
Scream love late a night a the top of a rooftop. And then listen.


lost
<3

It's heart to go for a walk when your heart will barely let you stand

the water is calm
my feet walk at a steady pace back here, but my heart is running ahead to get onto this paper, like so many other nights
the river is flowing gently
but under the bridge there are waves.
My dreams crash against those rocks.
My legs have to take the ramp back up to my dorm.
It can't handle the stairs cause it feels like its been holding the weight of that bridge for weeks
I challenge anyone in this world to make me feel like I'm over u.
I feel like I'm just about 100% sure that you were the best thing in my life, and now your gone.
Part of me wants to just jump in my car and drive to your house.
Knock on the back door like I have so many late nights before.
But I remember the first one the most.
Blood on my shirt, tears in my eyes
but the second I saw the look in your face;
I knew I was home.
I'd ask you to just tell me how the fuck I can get over you.
Get over it all.
It's like you were the foundation of all the good real things in my life growing up.
But when it ended, before I could start to take down that foundation, the concrete was poured.
Now my love is trapped behind a stone wall, and it's only memories are of you.
I've tried everything to take that wall down, but its like breaking down the security system at Fort Knox.
It's just not going to happen.
Some will always try though.
Shotguns have two bullets for people like you and me.
Or for the people I thought we were.
If one dies, the other one will two.
All with one pull of the trigger.
It's fuck up to some, it's love to others.


There's not a pill, shrink, heart, hand, mind, drug, place, song, letter, word, memory, job, life, dream, hobby, or friend that can make me get over you.
Your grave has already been dug for you.
My heart is sitting in their patiently waiting.
<3

Right now, I want to bleed

I'm going nowhere fast. I'm sitting here turning into someone I don't want to be. Everything that feels right inside me is telling me to just leave here, go home, and start a band. If I ever actually kill myself, It's probably cause I woke up and realized that I wasn't fallowing my dream and any of this. That I had become someone I hated, and I didn't think it was worth the effort to try to change back into the "real me". Just keep that in mind when you think about "settling" in life

<3


p.s. I was rereading these. I really I repeat myself on certain ideas a lot. I'm going to try to work on that. And I realized that the past 2 weeks ago my writing has kind of sucked. It has kind of been from my heart. Kind of. I'm sorry. Read me like a book that you love, but then just put me back on the shelf in the library. I'm the author that sits home wondering if anyone out there has something to say about the "book" besides "it sucked"