countdown to happiness

My arms feel weak. My hands are tired. These days aren't getting any shorter, just darker. Time is a waste. I'm sorry if this writing consist of nothing positive. I'm depressed, so your going to have to deal with this until I get some pills, find some one to talk to, or maybe this will be the last thing. We think about past memories because it's the easiest way for us to feel something that is good. I seriously considered just leaving here today and selling a few things. Driving to the middle of the country, probably Chicago. Then just waiting for Fall Out Boy to start their tour, and fallow them around and go to every show. That would get me through the next year. I don't really know what else will. I don't have anyone within 50 miles of me that can give me a meaningful hug. Lines from books and pages of notes fill my head as my heart stays empty. And there's supposed to be four years of this shit?

Remember when we used to just lie on your couch and spend 20 minutes telling each other to pick something to watch? But in reality we weren't going to watch it anyway, so it didn't matter? Remember falling asleep in each others arms not because we were tired, but because nothing felt better than waking up next to each other? Remember staying up so late on the phone sharing our childhood memories and asking each other the most randomest questions that we could think of? Remember?

Remember holding me while everyone else hated me? Sitting with me in the psychologist's office? Meeting me in the park and laying there with me, because nowhere else felt like home? Telling me I'll be ok when I needed to hear it? Answering the phone at 2 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5 times a day? Remembering holding me tight and giving me and giving me a kiss on the forehead; not to kiss me, but to kiss away the suicidal thoughts? Remember? Cause I remember no one being there for all of this except me. It's not your fault, but when you left me, the world turned away; and I was all alone. I'll give you enough credit to say that you left me with something though. You left me the reality firsthand that this world is barely worth living on without you.



I'm dying,
<3