good night

*hug*

<3

I can be surrounded by friends,

but if she's not there, I feel alone. It sounds so sweet, unless you're one of my friends.

Holidays suck

I'm feeling alone. I'm in dire need of someone. I don't know if I can get through another holiday season on my own. I hate everything about everything around me this time of the year. Nothings feels like a home when I'm just trying to avoid the one place that I know isn't. I want so bad to meet someone like me. When I get close to a person I (hope to) think that they are like me. But they're not. No one is. I'm the only person like myself. And I'm not compatible with anything that won't make my skin bleed when I press it against it. There's no one that will ever be as alone as me. There is no one that will be there for me every moment that I need someone. I know I'm just constantly getting hurt. U said this to me months ago. When I started this blog actually. And right now, I'm starting to think it's a problem. I hope I realize that this is ok though, that right now I'm wrong. Just because it'll mean that u were wrong too. Because I would fail so useless if after over two years of being apart, and all of the self though I've done, u know me better than me. But then again, maybe that is how it should be. Maybe it's part of love.
I have my new close friend. A new person in my life that I'm going to care about too much. That is just going to hurt me in the end. Someone that I'm going to trick myself into believe that I might end up with. Just because that lie will keep me going. But I'll just get really hurt in the end. I'm afraid this is like something familiar in the past. But that ended up with me yelling to doctors my way out of getting checked into a mental hospital. I don't want to go down that road again (even though it may be what I really need). All I want is someone to hold tight late at night with feeling. That's it. But I guess that's too much to ask out of life. I guess I'm just stuck with the pain for eternity. If I see you, I might just beg you to end my life. Because I'm too pathetic to do it myself.


I don't bleed to know I'm alive.
I just sit here scar free knowing that for the rest of the time my heart beats, I'll feel dead.
<3

I don't love, just care.

but it's still too much


<3

Fire Alarms suck

So I stood outside for over an hour from 10 30 on. I guess it's part of the college experience. And getting interviewed one by one by the cops as we come back in. Luckily I'm on the basement floor and that's where they started. So now I think I'm just going to stay up all night. I think today went ok. I took a few steps that are leading me back to being the person I want to be. If you don't like how your day is going, just stay up until it gets better. Maybe it's stupid, but it actually worked for me tonight.

Somewhere in between the crazy non-stop days, and the restless nights of sleep; these words fit in.
Somewhere in this world, I fit in. Maybe I haven't found it yet. But I'm still searching. Today I'm going to change my major. Sign up for classes next semester. I'm going to take a psychology course. Maybe I'll find out what's really wrong with me. Or what's really wrong with all of you.
In the long run, people always seem to realize that I'm right. It's not cause im amazing. It's cause I sit and really think about things. In the long run, people seem to realize that I'm right. What do you think about me now? If I hear a whisper of "I miss you" in my ear late at night, I'll wake up with a smile on my face. You can break into my house at anytime to tell me that.
Sometimes lips meet other lips when they aren't supposed to. But mine this winter, just keep getting more and more chapped from the cold weather. They stay alone. Chap stick was made for people like me. So I don't have to look like I've been alone forever. Maybe it's my white lie, but can't we all have one that we just keep to ourselves? I won't tell. I won't even kiss. The only thing these lips are meant to meet is a microphone. You secretly lock lips, and place his hands around you hips. I just try to make these tales into hits. I'll race you to see who gets more. But you're going to win. You keep your sins. I'll keep ending up lost on the voyage before I begin. Always with a guy, always got a drink in your hand on the weekends, but you're more alone than me. Barely getting by, can't think when I write you letters It's only lies I send. But you're more alone than me. When will you realize it? Don't tell me I'm right, just feel alive for one night. Before you die, will you ever feel as good as I have?


I need sleep. this is starting to not make sense.
<3

Seasonal depression

So many conversations I wish we could have. If I'm worth all of the money that was put into saving me, then I guess I'm actually worth a lot. I moved out of that town, but some part of me just hasn't left yet. I almost miss it. I remember nights alone. I remember nights of cops at 1 am. nights of walks to a familiar park. But up here nothing is familiar. If I died tomorrow, I would have a normal funeral. People up here would have nothing but good things to say about me. But that's not who I am. I feel like I'm getting a best friend, but I want to warn her so bad that she doesn't know what she's getting herself into. I'm waiting for my relapse. I can't wait to go home, but I know why. I can swallow pills anywhere in the world to "make me happy". But going back to that town is like swallowing a pill that does the opposite. I wish my first love was my therapist. I wish I could let out my ideas to people that actually cared. I want to hold a hand, and feel the rough surface when my hand wanders up a little bit. I want to go back to the way I was. I got there at 4:30 in the morning, and sat in line in the rain all day.I was in the front row right in front of him. But at those moments, I wasn't gold to him. I was just another face. I could tell. And whenever I don't know if I'm real or not, if I see him, he has a way of telling me. The same away messages from 3 years ago. Yet she claims she's changed so much. Change it. Give me less hope. But I still have the pictures. I will never burn those. I will keep you in my heart forever. Am there is room for more people than you. But not enough for another True Love. That's the way life is. Look at the fucked up world before you tell me I'm wrong. Call 911. I'm dying. But we all are. The lucky goes fast. Maybe it's been said before. But you don't fucking get it America. So we say it again hoping that maybe you'll understand. But ignore it. go back to your sex drugs and alcohol. You say that's rock and roll. I say it fucks up the soul. Are we ever meant to move on?
Just keep changing boy. Soon enough you'll forget who you are cause you've changed so much. Then you'll be like the rest of us. Then you'll fit in. Maybe even settle down and marry someone you know you don't love.
Maybe I'll be lucky and drop dead first.

<3

This is me. Right now. Nothing held back

I'm torn in between to ideas. It's happened before, but this is harder. Because there is the me that I feel real. The me that I love, because I believe no one else ever will. The me that loves to be down. This side has always been there. And the other side has never seemed real to me, so it was so easy to choose the side of me that I just mentioned. This time, the other side is real. I've gotten caught up in this whole movement. I know it's good. It's helping people. It's my dream. But not through the way I want to. Maybe I will settle for this, because I don't have to settle a lot. It's a lot of what I want. But I still feel like I could do something better with my life. I still have the dream with music. Last night I read one of my old posts. I love it. I was so amazed that I wrote something that good. I couldn't believe I had done it. But I don't have those feelings right now. I haven't gotten in those moods that allow me to write like that in awhile. And I almost wonder, if now I've left a big enough mark that I won't forget u. I've left something that I can always go back to. I won't forget how I felt. I love the way I was, and I won't ever forget it. But after 3 years I wonder if it's finally time for me to move on. If maybe I'm ready to. I'm scared. I don't know what's going to happen. But in the next few months I have to figure out a lot. I think I love the idea of helping other people to, because I will be somewhat happy with it; but I believe if I did that u would respect me again, and that would make me happier.
I think this has something to do with the fact that I haven't wrote in my actual journal in weeks. It's hard. I miss it. I don't know if I have to let go of that also to move on. I'm trying to figure it out. I hope I don't. I love that. It has more secrets packed inside than I could ever share with any heart. And that's the way it should be.
This is one thing I have learned for sure. When you are going through a shitty time, you aren't alone. Other people are going through shit as well. And you can help each other through. And you can open up to those who reach out to you. It's so much better. Pain will never go away, it's part of life. But, we can minimize it. Hugs are the absolute best medicine in the world.


<3

TWLOHA

i'm going to say it one more time. go check it out. it is allowing me to feel so alive right now



<3

Here's a step backwards:

From 9/29/07. I smiled when reading this. The end, not so much.

Theres this uneasy feeling in my stomach. Its been there for 2 days now. Prob the fact that I've ate nothing besides Macdonalds twice since then. Hate the fact that for some reason I can't just quit life. Wish something tragic could happen to me. Maybe then people would really care. Maybe then people would want 2 spend time with me. Why take a shot in the dark when I can't see any light? I'm the hair that will never leave your eyes, cause you will never see the world the same way again. For once I felt like something was going my way. Like my heart was resting for once. But it was just because it was going to skip so many beats after that. And not in a good way. I am the starlight on a cloudy night. You now I'm there, but your too impatient to wait. When you can see it every night, who cares if you miss a night or two? Or a week. How would you feel though, if when you finally went to look for it, you couldn't see it. Maybe it died, maybe its just to dull to notice. But that's ok, there are so many other stars you can look at. You'll just forget thats what left is a place that will never look right. But i never looked right. Tell me a reason. Just let me understand. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to. thats a promise. Cause right now, this is killing me more than the scars I've made. the scars i will make. Almost as much as the scars u've made in my heart. I'll be dead before any of them heal. Go get a shovel, and go to the cemetary. Dig out a grave for me so its ready. It's the least you could do. Place the coffin in, and ill sleep in it everyday until one day i just dont wake up. Sleep is my best friend. It's funny how the things that help us can also hurt us the most. I love that i can have hours back to back where i dont think about everything. But i hate the work thats involved trying to get back those hours. Playing is the only thing i can do that gives my heart a break and seems worthwhile. That and writing i guess. I have no hope but to be hopeless. Yet im the hope of others. im the record that you put in and press repeat. and as much as you feel you understand it all just because you know all of the words; everytime you sit down and listen to it, you learn something new. Its so great to have that band which you feel like is your own secret. But sometimes you just need to turn on the radio and hear 50 with Timbalnd and JT. If there's nething i've learned in the past two days, its this:

your the closest to love i'll ever get again.
but because you dont know what love is yet, you feel like im too close.
trust me when i say its not as close as you think.
i miss you.
the doorstep in front of your house is my second home.
i already have a broken heart.
and i fucked myself over with the first home.
just let me stay until i fuck myself over with this one too.
maybe you'll get (un)lucky, and i wont.
and you'll know this sad pathetic loser forever.
but I'm not that at all to you am i?
i'm the boy thats taught you the joy, cause you know the pain so well.
I'm the tear drop that never makes it down your cheek, cause its caught on a shirt from a hug.
It's happiness that has truth behind it.
Your my bestfriend, and no matter what happens with us, 10 years from now ill still wonder if your ok. and hope that you are. cause just like me, you'll never leave the part of this heart that i gave you.


Deep down i think this will all work out.
and i know this feels right.

dyingtotalk
<3

To Write Love On Her Arms

www.twloha.com

read it. look around the site. get involved. I went to their stop at UML on their east coast tour tonight. These guys are so real. They are so nice, and they really have their hearts into this. I stayed there and had almost an hour conversation with one of the people in it after the presentation. It is truly amazing, and one of the few things in the world today that seem 99% real to me.

<3

I (sadly) don't forgive when I shouldn't

sometimes i miss my ex friends. i wish they did things that could be so much easier to forgive. i wish i could look back at the memories and not be hurt because i know there wont be future ones like them. i miss things i never knew. because i wish i knew when this world was a better place, but I haven't got the slightest fucking clue. im sick of being alone. but I won't settle for anything "better" if it's less real to me. let the rain pour down. It washes away the blood faster.


hopefully tonight I'll feel better.
I've now hit the post button 100 times, and put just as many useless hopeless words on the world wide web.
and out of all of that, i dont have one comment. id asked myself why i still do it, but i know i shouldn't.


let me die faster. Maybe I'll cherish life a little bit that way.
<3

I felt like sunshine on this rainy day

Drunk phone calls. Rides headed to an unknown destination starting at 1 a.m. and ending around 3 a.m. in my hometown. then spending the whole next day putting more miles on tires than i did the week before. driving, visiting, shopping, driving, a "first date at Mcdonalds", and a little more driving. This might be one of the best 24 hours of this year. But that all depends on how the next few weeks play out.

this is something special. friends or something more, I don't know yet.
But if you convince me you care, I'll give you every single broken piece to this heart i can find. (I just hope I don't get it stolen, or back in more pieces). You remind me a little of my tttyg. But I don't want to see that, so I'm not right now. I never though I'd sound so hopeless when saying this, but please don't let me down. And if you must, let me down gently. I've taken a lot of hits in this round, and another hard fall might be a KO.


<3

Dear Love,

can we meet again? it's been a while.
my head has been spinning in circles. I'm in one of those moods that just doesn't allow me to keep up. my heart doesn't know where to go right now. It's like im homeless. and im going into a house, but i have no idea what it's like inside, or how long im going to stay. so im scared. cause this has happened before, and i just ended up right back on the streets. its cold and dark. the rain is slamming against my head. will you give my comfort, or are you just stopping to say how unfortunate this situation is; and then moving on with your life without actually helping me at all?

You find the right path for you, and then you spend your life pushing away people that try to get you off of that path and onto the "right one"

<3

Fall Out Boy 11/6/08 Harper's Ferry

This was one of the best nights of my life. I figured out one of the reasons why I love this band so much. They are so real.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97YGZmoXJRs

It gets cut off, but Pete says he herd someone yell Tell That Mick before, and that they are going to play that song right now.
I wish I had the balls to stay after and meet them. I'm just so nervous I'll say something stupid.
Oh, did I mention I basically set up the line for this show? Overcast Kids rule.
It's nights like this that make life worth living sometimes.
Right before they played Saturday I wanted to yell,"you make this place my home Pete" or something like that. But I just didn't.
I'm so afraid he'll look down on my in some way. I'm so afraid to not get accepted by him.


Fall Out Boy= my heart's safest resting place
I would sleep in a car and sit outside in the rain from 4:30 a.m. until 6 p.m. any day to see them.
<3