Here's a step backwards:

From 9/29/07. I smiled when reading this. The end, not so much.

Theres this uneasy feeling in my stomach. Its been there for 2 days now. Prob the fact that I've ate nothing besides Macdonalds twice since then. Hate the fact that for some reason I can't just quit life. Wish something tragic could happen to me. Maybe then people would really care. Maybe then people would want 2 spend time with me. Why take a shot in the dark when I can't see any light? I'm the hair that will never leave your eyes, cause you will never see the world the same way again. For once I felt like something was going my way. Like my heart was resting for once. But it was just because it was going to skip so many beats after that. And not in a good way. I am the starlight on a cloudy night. You now I'm there, but your too impatient to wait. When you can see it every night, who cares if you miss a night or two? Or a week. How would you feel though, if when you finally went to look for it, you couldn't see it. Maybe it died, maybe its just to dull to notice. But that's ok, there are so many other stars you can look at. You'll just forget thats what left is a place that will never look right. But i never looked right. Tell me a reason. Just let me understand. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to. thats a promise. Cause right now, this is killing me more than the scars I've made. the scars i will make. Almost as much as the scars u've made in my heart. I'll be dead before any of them heal. Go get a shovel, and go to the cemetary. Dig out a grave for me so its ready. It's the least you could do. Place the coffin in, and ill sleep in it everyday until one day i just dont wake up. Sleep is my best friend. It's funny how the things that help us can also hurt us the most. I love that i can have hours back to back where i dont think about everything. But i hate the work thats involved trying to get back those hours. Playing is the only thing i can do that gives my heart a break and seems worthwhile. That and writing i guess. I have no hope but to be hopeless. Yet im the hope of others. im the record that you put in and press repeat. and as much as you feel you understand it all just because you know all of the words; everytime you sit down and listen to it, you learn something new. Its so great to have that band which you feel like is your own secret. But sometimes you just need to turn on the radio and hear 50 with Timbalnd and JT. If there's nething i've learned in the past two days, its this:

your the closest to love i'll ever get again.
but because you dont know what love is yet, you feel like im too close.
trust me when i say its not as close as you think.
i miss you.
the doorstep in front of your house is my second home.
i already have a broken heart.
and i fucked myself over with the first home.
just let me stay until i fuck myself over with this one too.
maybe you'll get (un)lucky, and i wont.
and you'll know this sad pathetic loser forever.
but I'm not that at all to you am i?
i'm the boy thats taught you the joy, cause you know the pain so well.
I'm the tear drop that never makes it down your cheek, cause its caught on a shirt from a hug.
It's happiness that has truth behind it.
Your my bestfriend, and no matter what happens with us, 10 years from now ill still wonder if your ok. and hope that you are. cause just like me, you'll never leave the part of this heart that i gave you.


Deep down i think this will all work out.
and i know this feels right.

dyingtotalk
<3