This is me. Right now. Nothing held back

I'm torn in between to ideas. It's happened before, but this is harder. Because there is the me that I feel real. The me that I love, because I believe no one else ever will. The me that loves to be down. This side has always been there. And the other side has never seemed real to me, so it was so easy to choose the side of me that I just mentioned. This time, the other side is real. I've gotten caught up in this whole movement. I know it's good. It's helping people. It's my dream. But not through the way I want to. Maybe I will settle for this, because I don't have to settle a lot. It's a lot of what I want. But I still feel like I could do something better with my life. I still have the dream with music. Last night I read one of my old posts. I love it. I was so amazed that I wrote something that good. I couldn't believe I had done it. But I don't have those feelings right now. I haven't gotten in those moods that allow me to write like that in awhile. And I almost wonder, if now I've left a big enough mark that I won't forget u. I've left something that I can always go back to. I won't forget how I felt. I love the way I was, and I won't ever forget it. But after 3 years I wonder if it's finally time for me to move on. If maybe I'm ready to. I'm scared. I don't know what's going to happen. But in the next few months I have to figure out a lot. I think I love the idea of helping other people to, because I will be somewhat happy with it; but I believe if I did that u would respect me again, and that would make me happier.
I think this has something to do with the fact that I haven't wrote in my actual journal in weeks. It's hard. I miss it. I don't know if I have to let go of that also to move on. I'm trying to figure it out. I hope I don't. I love that. It has more secrets packed inside than I could ever share with any heart. And that's the way it should be.
This is one thing I have learned for sure. When you are going through a shitty time, you aren't alone. Other people are going through shit as well. And you can help each other through. And you can open up to those who reach out to you. It's so much better. Pain will never go away, it's part of life. But, we can minimize it. Hugs are the absolute best medicine in the world.


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