Holidays suck

I'm feeling alone. I'm in dire need of someone. I don't know if I can get through another holiday season on my own. I hate everything about everything around me this time of the year. Nothings feels like a home when I'm just trying to avoid the one place that I know isn't. I want so bad to meet someone like me. When I get close to a person I (hope to) think that they are like me. But they're not. No one is. I'm the only person like myself. And I'm not compatible with anything that won't make my skin bleed when I press it against it. There's no one that will ever be as alone as me. There is no one that will be there for me every moment that I need someone. I know I'm just constantly getting hurt. U said this to me months ago. When I started this blog actually. And right now, I'm starting to think it's a problem. I hope I realize that this is ok though, that right now I'm wrong. Just because it'll mean that u were wrong too. Because I would fail so useless if after over two years of being apart, and all of the self though I've done, u know me better than me. But then again, maybe that is how it should be. Maybe it's part of love.
I have my new close friend. A new person in my life that I'm going to care about too much. That is just going to hurt me in the end. Someone that I'm going to trick myself into believe that I might end up with. Just because that lie will keep me going. But I'll just get really hurt in the end. I'm afraid this is like something familiar in the past. But that ended up with me yelling to doctors my way out of getting checked into a mental hospital. I don't want to go down that road again (even though it may be what I really need). All I want is someone to hold tight late at night with feeling. That's it. But I guess that's too much to ask out of life. I guess I'm just stuck with the pain for eternity. If I see you, I might just beg you to end my life. Because I'm too pathetic to do it myself.


I don't bleed to know I'm alive.
I just sit here scar free knowing that for the rest of the time my heart beats, I'll feel dead.
<3