Seasonal depression

So many conversations I wish we could have. If I'm worth all of the money that was put into saving me, then I guess I'm actually worth a lot. I moved out of that town, but some part of me just hasn't left yet. I almost miss it. I remember nights alone. I remember nights of cops at 1 am. nights of walks to a familiar park. But up here nothing is familiar. If I died tomorrow, I would have a normal funeral. People up here would have nothing but good things to say about me. But that's not who I am. I feel like I'm getting a best friend, but I want to warn her so bad that she doesn't know what she's getting herself into. I'm waiting for my relapse. I can't wait to go home, but I know why. I can swallow pills anywhere in the world to "make me happy". But going back to that town is like swallowing a pill that does the opposite. I wish my first love was my therapist. I wish I could let out my ideas to people that actually cared. I want to hold a hand, and feel the rough surface when my hand wanders up a little bit. I want to go back to the way I was. I got there at 4:30 in the morning, and sat in line in the rain all day.I was in the front row right in front of him. But at those moments, I wasn't gold to him. I was just another face. I could tell. And whenever I don't know if I'm real or not, if I see him, he has a way of telling me. The same away messages from 3 years ago. Yet she claims she's changed so much. Change it. Give me less hope. But I still have the pictures. I will never burn those. I will keep you in my heart forever. Am there is room for more people than you. But not enough for another True Love. That's the way life is. Look at the fucked up world before you tell me I'm wrong. Call 911. I'm dying. But we all are. The lucky goes fast. Maybe it's been said before. But you don't fucking get it America. So we say it again hoping that maybe you'll understand. But ignore it. go back to your sex drugs and alcohol. You say that's rock and roll. I say it fucks up the soul. Are we ever meant to move on?
Just keep changing boy. Soon enough you'll forget who you are cause you've changed so much. Then you'll be like the rest of us. Then you'll fit in. Maybe even settle down and marry someone you know you don't love.
Maybe I'll be lucky and drop dead first.

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