Hopefully it's not the last time I say that. Let me start with this. I was WRONG in one thing I said in my last post. I shouldn't want to go back to being the person I was last spring. That will never happen. Things have changed. I shouldn't try to be someone I was in the past, I should try to be the best person I can for the future.
Why is it so hard? Why is it so hard to find good things to do? To find the right things to do? It's a struggle. There were great parts to this weekend, but I feel like it could've been any weekend back home. I came down here to CHANGE. TO BE DIFFERENT. I'm not really sure what kind of balance I want in my life between helping people/doing things that are good, having fun, and relaxing. So far, I feel like there's been too much relaxing. There's one great thing about here, the 9-5. Not in a work sense. In a sense that everyday I get to read messages from people that are going through so much pain. I say get to, because it is such a privilege. This is a start. This is a start, but if you know me, you'll know it's not an end. I always want to do more. I feel like I can be doing so much more. I hope I'm not alone with this. But I want to be more involved. I think part of that comes from my heavy/big/strong/what ever you want to call it heart. Go back and read my blog from about a month ago. It's called "I'm a people person"
I know I can't help you if you don't want help. I know I can't force you to see hope. But damn it, I can try to show hope to every single person that is fucking looking for it. And I can try to help help those who want to be helped. And maybe somehow, it'll all get back to you. Because everything's connected. I want to try to help everyone that wants it. I want to try to offer hope to everyone that's searching for it. AND I WILL FAIL!!!!! I know that. But you can't fucking stop me. I'm going to keep trying. I love anyone that goes down swinging. That's true hope. And this is the best way I know right now to love myself. This is what makes me smile....for real.
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2 comments:
Kevin-
Your last paragraph was such truth. Please know, it's not all in vain-- i couldn't see the hope you saw then, but i see it now-- so yeah, sometimes, it comes back around. Don't give up, k? You're doin' good. Just keep it up.
You are not going to fail. You are going get bumps every now and then, but you will not fail. If a 42 year can believe in you and what you do and who you are anyone can. You inspire me to do more for everyone also. If I didn't meet you a couple years ago i don't think i would be where i am today. God Bless! Tracey
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