Tomorrow

Life has been tough lately. It has absolutely been difficult and lonely. I have had a hard time with the amount I'm alone, and the lack of interaction I have with people. I'm only saying this because I feel it's going to start getting better tomorrow. It sucks that I've fallen into this trap, of not really reaching out when I was struggling. I'm getting myself out of it, but I need to learn to walk through things more with other people.
I'm excited to wake up tomorrow. I honestly can not remember the last time that I said that. I am excited for what tomorrow holds in store for me. There are good things waiting. I really hope that tomorrow is the start of many new things, of me improving my life. I need to stop wasting days sitting on my ass watching tv the entire day. I need that to stop. I think tomorrow will help with it all. You know why I'm so excited about tomorrow? Tomorrow I'm going to be inspired. I can't ask for much more. The only better feeling in the world is love, but I'll take being inspired any day.

Reach out to people more. We all feel alone sometimes. Let's make that happen less.

We all have those moments where we think back about something negative. About a person that either hurt us and we realize we forgiven them, or a person that meant a lot and we never told them. These things don't get said. They stay with us. We may want to tell these people, but we just don't. If you have thought that way about someone, odds are, someone has thought that way about you. Sleep well tonight. May you do something tomorrow that will make someone else smile (and hopefully, you smile in return). Because in the end of the day, we don't need porn, strippers, prostitutes, drugs, a beer, or any thing like that. We just need a smile, a warm hug, and someone we can talk to.

Here's to the people that choose hugs over sex. To the people that aim for the relationships (meaning friendships) that last longer, rather than short term. I want to be more like you when I'm given the opportunity. Heck, I want to be more like the old me.

< 3

I simply want to share this with the world

On weekends, when his high school pals were attending "keggers" and trying to sneak into Georgetown bars, McCandless would wander the seedier quarters of Washington, chatting with prostitutes and homeless people, buying them meals, earnestly suggesting ways they might improve their lives.

- Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer

Tonight is a good one

I'm thankful for the conversation I just had. I'm thankful for the people in my life. I'm thankful I'm missing my parents a lot. And my home, and friends. Incase no one ever told you, please know that it's okay to miss things.

I want to bring back into our society more conversations that are authentic, honest, and vulnerable. Conversations in which we can share our thoughts, ideas, opinions, questions, and answers. I love the types of conversations that do nothing but build. One's when both people go in having an equal desire to be both known, and learn to know the other. Questions only lead to more questions. I miss these from MA more than anything else.

I wonder if it's a cultural difference. Most people I've met down here don't seem to be the type for these conversations. They are too tried, don't have the energy, or maybe even the faith or inspiration. I hope I can find people to have these with over the next couple of months. They are missing from my life. I will no longer try to be someone other than myself. I am passionate, energetic, outgoing. I know who I am, and I will be that person. If you asked me last year if I loved the person I was, I could say yes. I can't say that to the same degree right now. I'm working on getting back there though.

New Orleans in Sept.... I'm thinking yes!

< 3

Why do we ask so many questions?

Why is it so easy to let ourselves fall when we want a change? Why do we have to hit a bottom for us to finally decide that it's time to make a change?
I'm not reinventing myself, or learning and growing right now. I'm taking steps backwards. I know the cycles of life. I'm repeating them. But I'm fucking sick of it. I know what I want. I know how to get it. I know what I need to do. It's time to do it. Believe in me too. Encourage me. Talk to me. Life is tough on your own. It's a good thing to stay connected and have healthy relationships.

Let's not let our hearts get so soft that we care more about the people who fall and are learning to get up again than those who have remained standing. Love is equal. Everyone deserves the same amount.
Maybe stories that change are exciting and interesting. But how often in life do we just want some answers and constants more than anything else?

< 3

Lonely

This has been my biggest struggle the past week, and I feel like it will continue to be a struggle in my life while I'm down here. I'm ready to start facing this and trying to learn through it instead of letting it control me. I am a very passionate person. My passion goes towards other people mostly. It's difficult when that passion doesn't have a place to go. I can try to put it out through surfing a little bit, but that's difficult when there aren't waves. Passion can't really be put out through reading, writing, or playing bass that much. I've realized that is is realized through physical activity and human interaction. Those are the two main things. I need to learn to hold myself more accountable. I need to be a little more outgoing, and also push myself to do more. More than just 25 push-ups every morning. I can run, and find other ways to be creative. I have also re-learned how incredibly powerful hugs are. They mean the world to me, and can totally turn my day around. So do me a favor. If you can't give me a hug tomorrow, give someone else one. Let's make this world a better place with more love.

I will come out of this alive. I will also come out of it a better person. This is my hope.

< 3

"Happiness is not real unless it is shared"

We need interaction with other humans. Everyday we need to feel the touch of someone who cares, hear encouraging words, and just spend time together. I'm trying to learn to have happiness without sharing it as much. I want to spend more of my days reading, writing, and exploring and less of them on Netflix and Xbox. I sat outside today as I skype'd with my best friend. It was beautiful. To breathe in the air. To look at the clouds, and the sun light fighting it's way through them as it set. Nature is here, and it is beautiful and all around. Remember, there are always great things around us. Sometimes we just don't notice them. No matter where you go in this world, there are things worth smiling about. There are people you can connect with. There are passions you can share. Life is what you make it. Sometimes we don't have to leave an environment to change our emotions. It is not an absolute truth that we can run away from things in our lives. It is an absolute truth that we can choose our emotions and the way in which we look at things. What emotions are you going to have tomorrow? Is the glass half-empty or half full? Is it cloudy or sunny? Is the "asshole" you run into really an asshole, or just someone that might be having not as good of a day as tomorrow? Is the "prostitute" a whore, or a beautiful broken soul that hasn't given up looking for love? Is the "homeless man" a bum, or a veteran who served our country and is part of the reason you have the freedom you do? Is the "cutter" someone that is selfish, or someone that cares about others so much they don't want to take their anger out on anyone else? Is the "rapist" a disgusting prick, or someone who was misguided by society, took a few wrong turns, and was so lost they forgot how to look for love? These are extremes, I know. But meet me in the middle. Do you feel uncomfortable right now? Well, I hope so. Change is uncomfortable. I'm challenging you to change. I'm simply challenging you to try to be a little more open minded, and a little more loving. This is what I'm trying to do. Let's do it together. Let's share the happiness in it.

< 3

Growing up is baby steps

The amount I've told people the importance of having an outlet the past 2 years. The amount of times I've asked that to others. But, whenever someone asked me, I said my outlet was talking to others. Which isn't very healthy because an outlet should be something that you control that you can go to whenever you need it. Talking to others means relying on others. This put me in some very difficult situations, and caused me many difficult moments of not knowing what to do except continuously calling and texting people. It's good to reach out to people, don't get me wrong. But it's also good to have outlets. Tonight I came home from work. Work gets me going. I'm running around and doing a lot of stuff. I wrote not too long ago that it's hard for me to calm down after work. Tonight I came home, and I knew I needed to do something. I could've gone out, I could've grabbed a drink from my fridge, but I didn't. Instead I sat down and just played my bass for awhile. Damn it felt good. My fingers running back and forth on the frets. Strumming the strings with my pick. Knowing the songs well enough to just close my eyes and get lost for a minute. This is my outlet. I'm going to read a little. Hopefully tomorrow I will get up early and go surfing before working a double. Being tired at the end of the day and still happy means that you owned the shit out of that day. Dear tomorrow, my goal is to own the shit out of you.

Btw, writing this one, it felt real. I've been wanting to say that for the past few blogs, but I guess I've been kind of forcing it. I'm not with this one. It felt good to write.

< 3

I just watched Into The Wild. I'm inspired.

As we grow up, we get throw into this life of chaos. We don't get to make choices until it's too late. We have already been raised in a certain country, have a religion picked for us, have been taught morals, laws, expectations, and what words like good, bad, love, hate, evil, job, and goals mean. Everyday we choose to ignore so many more things than we don't. I don't know a number, but I would guess that it is in the millions. We couldn't pay attention to everything and every little detail. It's too much. We have to choose. To be selective. So much of our influence comes from our friends, our families, and those around us. Who we are around influences on what we notice and DON'T notice in life. I realized that many would say I am very mature for my age. In the past two years I grew up too fast. I experienced much pain, and asked questions for almost everything. I questioned why there was so much pain, why people ignored so many bad things, and why we didn't help those which we could. I questioned everything, and I was lost. I've had my years of crying, and depression, and thoughts of suicide. Since then I have chosen to try to lead by example. This is what made me who I was the past two years. I tried to be the nicest, most humble, sympathetic, caring, outgoing person I could. I tried to help so many, and focus on the things that really matter. It lead me to a point where I was broken and near an extreme breaking point. I guess maybe that isn't the way to go. To just feel like you are by yourself.

I came down here (Florida), to get a break from all that. Things were very hard at first, but I am thankful for the place I am in now. I am thankful for having the opportunity to get rid of a lot of "distractions" and other interactions with people. I have pushed a lot of friends away since I've been down here. I've become a much more introverted person. And this isn't because I have stopped caring about people, or that I have gotten fed up with anyone, or that I am not strong enough to do it. I have pushed people away because I want to know what exists in life when there isn't those things. When we don't go from interaction to interaction and talking about that person's day, and this person's drama. There is more to life. I want to find it.
I haven't done the best job searching for it. It is not through this computer, it is not in an xbox, and it is not on T.V. It's not in a beer or a hard mixed drink. It's not in a bar. It's not at work, or even in an amusement park.

I haven't gone searching for it enough. It is in the sunset and the sunrise. It is in the stars late at night. It is in the ocean and the waves. In the rivers and the living things that called them home. It is in places outside of Cocoa Beach and Cape Canaveral. What would it be like to spend just one day with no human contact? I wonder. I think that's something I want to try to find out. I'm going to look into exploring more of the world around me down here. I'm going to try to really get the best out of these next few months.

Dear me,
I've been falling. I haven't been doing the best. I haven't been trying to make myself a little less of a shitty person everyday. I haven't been trying to find more new beauty in the world. It is there. I'm new at this. I have never tried this before, and maybe I do just need a little bit of help and guidance. But I will find it. And I will keep on going and get more out of this. Bringing my xbox down here was a bad idea. I don't need it. Not at all.
I will be waking up at 6:01 tomorrow. I'm going to go sit on the beach and watch the sunrise.

< 3

"I'm addicted to the way that I feel when I think of you"

One feeling. One feeling that I got 6 years ago for one person. I didn't know love was so strong. Since then, I have learned a lot about love. I have seen and experienced it in many different ways. I have felt extremes. I am a passionate person. If you know me, you know that I wear my heart on my sleeve way more so than most people that use that expression. I feel extremes. Highs that are more intense than someone doing cocaine for the first time. I've never done it, but I don't need to. There are stronger things out there. Things like the desire to help those that need it. To change the world in a way that you just pray and hope is for the better. Because after all, we never really know, do we?
Tonight I had two friends over for dinner. I'm taking one thing that was said and storing it deep in my mind. The idea of a schedule. I have been lazy. I didn't get out of this house today besides to buy groceries. I have an idea of a goal that I would love to try to accomplish while I'm down here. I'm not yet going to share what it is, but it will take A LOT of time and effort. I can't do that without a schedule. Life is a balance. I'm just trying to find the middle. Tomorrow I will wake up energized, excited, and ready to take on the day. I will start the morning off watching a video of something inspiring. I will show my heart to the world, or at least anyone that is noticing. I will be productive, and I will try to be as caring, loving, and outgoing that I can. I will try to make the world a better place. Tomorrow I will make someone laugh, make someone else smile, and hope to give someone a hug before the day is over. What will you do?
Company is good. As I sit alone in my apartment, I remind myself to never stop being a people person. I don't have to change who I am just because I'm living alone. There is a fire burning inside me. Let's throw some gasoline on the flame and make a difference.

< 3

Alone

This is a word that for most of my life has been associated with negative things for me. This is changing. I like the time that I am alone. I want to sit around and be by myself more. Lately I consider a day to be fully productive if during the corse of the day I get to do some reading, write, play my bass, play xbox, and maybe do a little cleaning. Of course there are other things to. But this is a good majority of it. I am learning a lot about myself, I am learning to enjoy being by myself, and I am growing. It's good.

I'm at a point right now where I'm not questioning as many things. I use to feel like I was fighting against so many things in society. I felt like I didn't have the freedom to make a lot of choices. Things like going to school, how I spent my free time, and all the little things. But now I'm more independent. I'm living on my own after all. I can make whatever choices I want. I can do anything I want to in a day. I am choosing to spend a lot of time on my own, and do my own things. Because being alone, it's not all the bad.