I just watched Into The Wild. I'm inspired.

As we grow up, we get throw into this life of chaos. We don't get to make choices until it's too late. We have already been raised in a certain country, have a religion picked for us, have been taught morals, laws, expectations, and what words like good, bad, love, hate, evil, job, and goals mean. Everyday we choose to ignore so many more things than we don't. I don't know a number, but I would guess that it is in the millions. We couldn't pay attention to everything and every little detail. It's too much. We have to choose. To be selective. So much of our influence comes from our friends, our families, and those around us. Who we are around influences on what we notice and DON'T notice in life. I realized that many would say I am very mature for my age. In the past two years I grew up too fast. I experienced much pain, and asked questions for almost everything. I questioned why there was so much pain, why people ignored so many bad things, and why we didn't help those which we could. I questioned everything, and I was lost. I've had my years of crying, and depression, and thoughts of suicide. Since then I have chosen to try to lead by example. This is what made me who I was the past two years. I tried to be the nicest, most humble, sympathetic, caring, outgoing person I could. I tried to help so many, and focus on the things that really matter. It lead me to a point where I was broken and near an extreme breaking point. I guess maybe that isn't the way to go. To just feel like you are by yourself.

I came down here (Florida), to get a break from all that. Things were very hard at first, but I am thankful for the place I am in now. I am thankful for having the opportunity to get rid of a lot of "distractions" and other interactions with people. I have pushed a lot of friends away since I've been down here. I've become a much more introverted person. And this isn't because I have stopped caring about people, or that I have gotten fed up with anyone, or that I am not strong enough to do it. I have pushed people away because I want to know what exists in life when there isn't those things. When we don't go from interaction to interaction and talking about that person's day, and this person's drama. There is more to life. I want to find it.
I haven't done the best job searching for it. It is not through this computer, it is not in an xbox, and it is not on T.V. It's not in a beer or a hard mixed drink. It's not in a bar. It's not at work, or even in an amusement park.

I haven't gone searching for it enough. It is in the sunset and the sunrise. It is in the stars late at night. It is in the ocean and the waves. In the rivers and the living things that called them home. It is in places outside of Cocoa Beach and Cape Canaveral. What would it be like to spend just one day with no human contact? I wonder. I think that's something I want to try to find out. I'm going to look into exploring more of the world around me down here. I'm going to try to really get the best out of these next few months.

Dear me,
I've been falling. I haven't been doing the best. I haven't been trying to make myself a little less of a shitty person everyday. I haven't been trying to find more new beauty in the world. It is there. I'm new at this. I have never tried this before, and maybe I do just need a little bit of help and guidance. But I will find it. And I will keep on going and get more out of this. Bringing my xbox down here was a bad idea. I don't need it. Not at all.
I will be waking up at 6:01 tomorrow. I'm going to go sit on the beach and watch the sunrise.

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