Possibly the hardest thing in the world

Not being able to reach out to someone that you care about, because you hurt them. Because it's probably best to have some space for a little while. Time is needed to look within and figure yourself out. This is what I'm struggling with right now.

I want you to be ok and happier more than I want us to be okay.
Saying that is a huge step for me, and I think a good one. A healthy one.

What's tough for me, is waiting. Is being patient. I know my time here (on earth) is limited. I think that's something we all take too much for granted. That's why if I want to give someone a huge hug and just spend time with them, it's hard to wait. It's hard for me to not get bummed when a friend cancels plans. I want to walk through life with others as much as possible. Because people don't suck, they're beautiful. We can learn a lot from each other.

Maybe we all need someone believing in us. I know it sure helps me.

Make the world a better place. A happier one. It starts with yourself. It starts with loving. I'm re-learning all this.
Every day I try to be a little less shitty of a person.

Progress

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Get inspired

Lately I've been listening to a lot of music that has had meaning to me. Music that inspires me, and allows me to feel inside. Music is so amazing, and I think that's something that can't be said enough.
Today I'm going to listen to a lot of music. And hopefully be productive and also have fun. We waste too much time in life. Here's to trying to get some back today.

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Learning

I'm learning to be the person I am, and love whoever that is. I'm learning to be that person for me. Not anyone else. I'm going to be okay with the decisions I make. With the person I am. For right now, I'd like to say at least for right now. I know that life can change. I know that I don't have things figured out, but I'll keep trying to figure out more.

Right now I have things I know, and things I wonder. It's good to have both, and it's also good to recognize what is in each category respectively.

I know:
I need to learn to love me. To be okay to be the person I am, and not let what others say have a huge impact on me and my life. I can listen to other people, and consider things, but I should have a foundation of what makes me me.
I'm doubting that as I wrote it. I mean, I'm always changing who I am. But having a foundation, or a place that I can always go back to, like a home, that'd be good.

Maybe what I know, is nothing....

What I ask:
What should be part of my foundation?
How/where does love fall into this equation?
Maybe what I know, is questions....

It's difficult, because we ARE always changing. Maybe however, there are some things that we can always believe to be true. I mean, there are videos I watch, books, posts, and other readings that are always true to me when I read them. But I dont always want to read nor watch them. And in those moments when I dont want to... those tend to be the difficult ones. There's a lot to think about. Here's to trying to figure out just some of it out.

This isn't for you. Any of you. Anyone else out there in the world. First and foremost, this is for me.

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Tonight I wish I could listen to We don't need to whisper

Being around family and old friends is great. It's a safe, comfortable feeling. I like it. This absolutely allows me to feel like me. I have a very strong desire to just love and be loved. It isn't controlling me, but I acknowledge it's presence. There are things I miss, and I'm going to make sure the second I get back home I go after them. If not sooner.
Life is teaching me lessons everyday. I'm open to learning them. I'm thankful my parents are down here. I'm thankful that I can be around people that feel like home and how much it helps to remind me who I am. I'm learning to grow. I re-realized something today. This seems like huge progress for me. I'm not ready to share what that is though. Life is a confusing mess sometimes. But when we share it with one another, it's beautiful.

I'd like to believe you're still reading these. Please know that I love you.

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Day by day

I'm not that big into the 12 steps, and certain programs like that. I'm not not into them, I just haven't researched them a lot. But I think maybe they have it right when they say take it day by day. That's what I've been trying to do. Trying to wake up and just see the beauty and good in each day. To recognize the opportunities it is holding for me.
Ideas a flowing. Things are being written down on paper. I'm making big plans. I'm making sure I enjoy everyday. Life is beautiful. God damn it, I'm going to fucking see that life is beautiful every single damn day for the rest of my life. No matter how much pain, hurt, loneliness, and sorrow that comes with it... it's still fucking beautiful.

Embrace it.

Note to self

Don't try to become too open minded.
You'll lose sight of who you are.

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This might be a break through

Dear Kevin,

Stop trying to be perfect. You can't. You won't ever be. Every single person in this world has their flaws. You have yours, and it's okay to accept and own them.

Right now, your stuck in this unhealthy cycle. You don't really have any small coping mechanisms. Because, you don't want to try to cope with anything in a way that could be unhealthy, or just make simple little things real. But things build up, like they always will, and then you end up making a decision to try to cope in a very unhealthy, non rational way. You end up with one big pathetic coping mechanism that is 100% unacceptable and you know it.

Stop trying to be perfect. For now, be whoever you need to be. If you want a drink at the end of the day, have one. There's no harm in it. If you want reach out to people to talk, just do it. It's okay to let someone else know what's going on. If you just need a break, take one. You don't have to always push yourself. It has lead you to unhealthy places before, and it certainly will do so in the future unless you change the way you go about things.

So please, be unperfect, and love the person you are with all of the flaws, struggles, questions, and pain that makes you you.

"Everyday I try to be a little less shitty of a person". - That means there's always room for improvement. Learn to be okay with that.

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There is debate over who first wrote this, but it is amazing

If I had my life to live over, I'd dare to make more mistakes next time. I'd relax, I would limber up. I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.

You see, I'm one of those people who lived sensibly and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I've had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat and a parachute. If I had to do it again, I would travel lighter than I have.

If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances. I would ride more merry-go-rounds. I would pick more daisies.

We are all human

This is something I think we forget far too often.
We aren't perfect in most of the definitions that we'd like to think we could be.
We experience negative things.
We fall.
We feel pain.
We cry.
We want to scream out questions just hoping to get an answer.
We feel shame.
We have secrets.
We feel jealousy, greed, hatred, and anger. To name a few.
Please know that all of this is okay.
That you should be you, and whatever that means, well.... it's beautiful.
And if society judges you for it, questions it, or isn't okay with it, then fuck them for not being more open minded.
Be the best you you can be.
Because you're amazing.

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Here's to the nights we felt alive

Sometimes, my desire to give love just comes from a deeper desire to receive it.

Coffee

Something I haven't had in months. Because I guess I feel like I was becoming addicted to it, and that I know it's a drug. I didn't want to use it. I guess I felt like I was cheating myself or others by having coffee. Yeah I know, that kinda sounds lame. Tomorrow I'm going to make myself a good breakfast, and I'm going to have coffee. Then I'm going to spend the afternoon writing and making videos of myself talking that no one (possibly not even me) will want to sit through and watch. Tomorrow I'm going to stop selling myself short, and try to push myself.

I'm fucking lonely right now. I'm miserable and broken. And I'm fucking sick of saying that shit. And as much as I want to write things right now that can express these feelings and focus on them, I'm not. I'm trying to grow up, and to look at things a different way. Here's to being positive, especially when it's difficult. Fight this fight with me.

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Florida, I have exactly one month left

Right now I'm at a point where when I wake up in the morning I wonder what I'm going to do during the day, what I'm going to do to get through it. I mean this in the sense that I begin the day searching for things to do, because I do not know of things I can do. I search from healthy things that can get me through the hours and at the least, make me not miserable.
I was at this place before down here, a couple of months ago. I tried to get myself into a routine to solve my problem. But that's not the way to solve it. I shouldn't have to SET a routine. I shouldn't have to have a plan for everyday. That can be a good thing for a little while, but it should only serve as a bridge. Because when I wake up I should be happy and ready and excited for the day. I shouldn't be trying to find a reason or make a plan before I get out of bed. I should just be able to jump out of bed and be excited for the day. I've been stuck in this position before. I got out of it once, and I can again.

I loving this song right now. New music is therapeutic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLS69RS97Kc

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I can't sleep; it's a good thing

There's a lot on my mind. That means I'm feeling again. I'm thinking again. Tonight was mainly consumed by a couple of great conversations which I'm very thankful for. I'm trying to love the person I am. I feel like in the past couple of days I have made some progress in that. There are things that I'm not ready to share with everyone, but I don't think that means I haven't come to terms with them. It means I'm not ready to handle the way people will react and judge them. I believe that those are two separate things. So I'm trying to move forward. I can honestly say that today I felt like I had a little more control in my life than I did yesterday. I know the conversations I had tonight helped.

I also read some interesting things tonight. How we are use to feel tension, and stress. How beautiful it can be if we learn to not feel those things, and just appreciate things as they are. We have tension built up in us, and it's not natural. If you have ever had trouble falling asleep at night then you can probably relate to this. It's the struggle of adjusting from our day, to the natural state that our body needs to be in to rest healthy.

Tonight I'm trying to let myself relax. I'm not focusing on the questions, the difficult things that lie ahead, nor the problems of the world. They will all be there when I wake up.

I'm thinking about this "exercise" that my last therapist suggested to me. How when we have trouble falling asleep, we can try this. It went something like this:

Think of yourself sitting in the shade of a tree next to a small river that is gently flowing on a nice summer evening. Think of something that is troubling you, and imagine yourself putting that trouble in a barrel, and letting it float down the river. If there is something else bothering you, imagine yourself placing that worry in another barrel, and letting it float down the river; and so on, and so on. Remember that you can get up, walk to the base of the river and collect your troubles whenever you'd like to. You aren't running away from them, just letting them float away for a little while. They are floating. You have a clear head. All that you can hear is the gentle stream flowing alongside you, and you lay your head in the soft grass under a tree and close your eyes. You are safe here. You are breathing in, and then out. In and then out. Life is this simple for tonight. In and out. In and out. You are sleeping.

In.
And Out.
In.
And Out.
In.
And Out.
The river is still flowing softly.
In
And Out.
In
And Out.
In

And good night.

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Tonight I feel like myself again. For the first time in a long time

Imagine how cool it would be if we could just walk up to strangers and say hi without it being awkward?

If you think that's cool, then try to walk around with a smile tomorrow and be welcoming towards strangers. I'm going to at least. I know that's something I don't tend to do, yet I bitch a lot about how I'm lonely down here.

Here's to tomorrow....
And here's to right now too. Cause it's good.

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Breath in, Breath out, relax

Today is being filled with whatever I want. To learn to spend a day on my own and find the happiness and beauty in it and the things I'm doing is something I'm re-learning. It's not healthy to have something control your whole day. I'm trying to take my day back. I'm trying to slowly get up, and right now I'm unsure of almost everything. It's one of those moments where you just have to keep going, have hope, and believe that things will make more sense as you go along. so I'm walking. Each day I'm going to try to write at least a little bit, wether on here, or not. This is something that is good.

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In my eyes, there's only one place to go from here....

Up.


It's time to start fucking climbing.

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