yeah.....

right now my words just can't fit in with each other the right way. he brought tears to my eyes today. it felt weird, because sometimes old feelings become so old that they don't seem familiar. but i hope that feeling doesn't for awhile.

"two more weeks"* will always mean the world to me.

i dont even know how to describe today.
check back.
maybe i will be able to 2mrw.

<3

Sometimes it's so hard to move on

I feel lost. Sometimes i get scared that everything I think I've already figured out is wrong. And if that's true, then I'm left with nothing. I feel like I'm dying to be alone. But I can't resist getting out and getting together with people. Even when it's not what i really want to do. I have a hard time saying no.
I feel like I'm not getting anything figured out lately. I'm just stuck in this trap. I'm being sucked in, and I have no idea how to pull out. I love you to much to write shit about you. And I don't hate her enough to focus on it. So i wonder if I have anything worth really writing about. I'm lost. I care too much to say anything horrible. All I want to do is relive our past. It might be hard to believe, but in between the doctors visits, the scars, and the countless nights of feeling alone (whether or not i really am); I've looked for things better. I've tried to make better memories. I've tried, but I haven't. And I don't even know what I want. I have accepted I'll be alone. However, I feel like I'm losing the reason I'm being alone. The other people. I feel like I can't really help anyone right now. Like no one really needs help. And I'm just afraid that when I go to college there won't be anyone there that I will find that will come to me with problems. I mean actual problems, like feeling alone. I guess i think that by this age, everyone has either accepted it or dealt with it or changed. No one is left like me. Since I lost my first love, one thing has helped me to keep going, and that's helping other people. But right now I feel like nobody really needs me. Right now I feel kinda of useless. This isn't a feeling I can write about and make into a song. This is the feeling that leads to a true tragic ending.
I'm not ready to move on. I'm waiting to fall back. I want to fall hard. But it's like when your getting a shot at the doctors. You know it's good and it's going to help, but its natural for you to wince and not want it because you know it will initially hurt. I'm not saying I want to literally fall obviously, but i want to fall away from everyone. I want to put up a temporary barrier so strong that a car couldn't drive through it. A door that not even chuck norris himself could kick down. But every time I hear somebody knocking, I can't help but get up and peak to see who it is. And most of the time I'll end up letting them in. I feel lost from myself. Im used to being lost from everyone else, but this.... this is new.

<3

im like gravity, i just always drag everyone else down

we cant push away from each other completely. i wish we could sometimes. sometimes i wish we could work everything out. you could write all of this same stuff about me. but please tell me, should i put some effort into us and try to fix this friendship, or just move on and try to forget you without letting my heart hurt anymore from you and our hopeless plans that always find a way of slipping through the cracks and falling through. we dont know. not enough strength to move on, but not enough to take an initiative to get together and fix this either. We are just stuck in this hole. and we go on.

this is the mess im in. along with so many fears about college. and so much other shit. sometimes things get to us, sometimes they dont.


lost
<3

Fragile Future is my heartbeat right now

feeling lost and lonely everyday and every night. but i'm getting through them. you really have to push away everything and everyone to do what you want to some times. it's hard to do. wish i could just escape for a few days with nothing but this laptop, my notebooks, and headphones. lay under the stars at night. think about everything and then think again.

this cd has made me realize that when we broke up, afterwards... there were times i did feel completely hopeless. times that my first love was really pretty much dead to me.
think about that. then maybe you can start to understand me.

but i guess all i'd like to die with is having more figured out about myself then anyone else has figured out about me. cause that's what im trying to do the most here. with all of this. figure me out.

i hope i don't fuck up yet another friendship. so far, looking for love the same place i look for comfort, sympathy and sorrow hasn't worked for me. i can look at it as, i'll always care too much rather than too little. but i dont want to fuck up somebody else's life. i dont want to get too close. i want to feel like this. until true love comes back, or until i die.

Go buy Hawthrone Heights new cd right now. I dont give a shit what you're doing, or what time it is. There's a fucking 24 hour wall mart around you somewhere. Just be nice to the underpaid people working there. or if your not, at least make a video and put it on youtube so the rest of us can laugh.

<3

is life really what you think?

i've realized that i'm so lost i have to just ignore some of the questions i ask myself. i have to lie to myself and pretend that i have some things figured out right now. because with what i actually have figured out, it'll take me lifetimes to understand just a little bit of what i'd love to. some im taking a new approach. trying to really clear my head and just write for a few days. go back and look at everything i've wrote. change things. make it into songs. this and that.
dont ever keep your emotions inside.

i hope i never wake up and become everything that i dont want to be right now.
help me help myself.
let me feel alone again for a little while.
come back pain, just for a few days.
searching for misery to bring me back to what i felt.
completely lost
im doing it for me
and im doing it for them

my best line is always going to be whatever the last thing said was the last time we spoke.
but my best verse, im hoping that is formed tomm.

<3

today i want to write 40 songs

almost called you today so i could remember what it feels like to be betrated

how does it work?
how does one man that I've never actually talked to, never sat in a room with, and only know about through the internet make such an impact in my life?

spend today alone. that way i'll know i won't be the only one doing so. think about your life, your friends, and everything important to you. make sure it's all going okay and in the directions you want.

<3

U'll always have me beat by one

all of this. the songs the shows the music, the stupid shit that is done, the friends. Even on it's best day; when you add it all up, it fall shorts of love.

trying to remember how to be alone. I want it, but I don't want the pain. And all I've been getting the past month is pain strictly in the form of truth. I've started realizing how hard it is to get a band and go somewhere with it. My mind has had battles trying to make me realize that it probably won't happen. and my heart needs a break. maybe it won't happen. those 4 words make me feel more worthless then "i don't love you".

wipe off the blood
just to throw in the towel
i try to keep going because
frankly, this is all i know
we never had a candlelight dinner
and i know now she's the winner
cause all i have is this
and it's something
but it's not a first kiss

first kiss
to bloody wrist
how'd i get here?
what path did i take
by the end of this year
will i still feel fake?
im the mistake
filled with hate
heart's a 20 pound weight
ask life to wait
call my future,
tell it i'll be late

college
scaresme
<3