Sometimes it's so hard to move on

I feel lost. Sometimes i get scared that everything I think I've already figured out is wrong. And if that's true, then I'm left with nothing. I feel like I'm dying to be alone. But I can't resist getting out and getting together with people. Even when it's not what i really want to do. I have a hard time saying no.
I feel like I'm not getting anything figured out lately. I'm just stuck in this trap. I'm being sucked in, and I have no idea how to pull out. I love you to much to write shit about you. And I don't hate her enough to focus on it. So i wonder if I have anything worth really writing about. I'm lost. I care too much to say anything horrible. All I want to do is relive our past. It might be hard to believe, but in between the doctors visits, the scars, and the countless nights of feeling alone (whether or not i really am); I've looked for things better. I've tried to make better memories. I've tried, but I haven't. And I don't even know what I want. I have accepted I'll be alone. However, I feel like I'm losing the reason I'm being alone. The other people. I feel like I can't really help anyone right now. Like no one really needs help. And I'm just afraid that when I go to college there won't be anyone there that I will find that will come to me with problems. I mean actual problems, like feeling alone. I guess i think that by this age, everyone has either accepted it or dealt with it or changed. No one is left like me. Since I lost my first love, one thing has helped me to keep going, and that's helping other people. But right now I feel like nobody really needs me. Right now I feel kinda of useless. This isn't a feeling I can write about and make into a song. This is the feeling that leads to a true tragic ending.
I'm not ready to move on. I'm waiting to fall back. I want to fall hard. But it's like when your getting a shot at the doctors. You know it's good and it's going to help, but its natural for you to wince and not want it because you know it will initially hurt. I'm not saying I want to literally fall obviously, but i want to fall away from everyone. I want to put up a temporary barrier so strong that a car couldn't drive through it. A door that not even chuck norris himself could kick down. But every time I hear somebody knocking, I can't help but get up and peak to see who it is. And most of the time I'll end up letting them in. I feel lost from myself. Im used to being lost from everyone else, but this.... this is new.

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