dear you fucked up ignorant pricks that hear shit about me, and love to talk about it

I don't care what you think of me. Some people can say that, but i truly mean it. The more you know about someone, the better chance you have of understanding them. I could give you all a book about me and you still wouldn't have a fucking clue. But go on, take this gossip, and turn it into drama and try to hold on to it as long as you can. Think about other people's lives and say how fucked up other people are when you don't even know yourself. Before for you judge me, looking in the mirror. But in order to do that you have to wipe off your eyes and wash the shit out of your mouth; because so far in life your head has only been up your ass. And your hearts, well they have no idea what it feels like to skip a beat.


<.... no, not even a little bit right now

*middle finger* (keep it up, because the one to the right of it will always be down. There will never be something to put around it)

Awkward Mornings are the one's alone

I have dreams every night if i don't write before i fall asleep and if I don't listen to a specific cd while i'm falling asleep. When I wake up, unexpected things are filling my mind. My heart doesn't know what to do. But my mind, it's always thinking about some one it shouldn't be. And by that, I don't mean you; because in my fucked up world, it's still ok to think about you. I turn over and close my eyes, I'm not ready for any of this yet. "5 more minutes", as I beg my brain to think about someone else. and it never works. I'm not ready for today. I'm sitting in bed with the shades shut. The only light is coming for this screen. I don't want to start today. I want to go back to sleep. Don't you get it? This is me trying to move on. This is me moving and hour and a half away, being in college and staying busy. But when I wake up, the only thing I feel comfortable thinking about it you. I'm sorry, hate me for it. Sometimes I wish it was something else too. "all you need is love" But I'm still searching for mine. I'm sitting at the lighthouse waiting for the beam to guide you back to me. Or bring something that just might cure me from all of this. But every flash just shows me what's ahead of me in this life. Nothing.


I asked to go to a land where I wouldn't think of you; the directions they gave me led me to a city where every old feeling from my town is hiding in between the cracks on the road I walk at night.
<3

fallow me into hell

my heart still breaks every time ur's skips a beat



<3

I just want to be a present memory

Parent " I Love you"
Child *silence*
Parent "good night"
Child "night"

i wonder how many households that happens in. i bet you more people say it and dont mean it than don't say it.

that's my thought of the night. I'm trying to not be depressed right now, I have classes 2mrw nd shit to do.

Put up the Peace sign, Put the index down
<3

let's go on a journey without medication

I leave the building. It's no nice to just get out. Sometimes I don't even care where I'm going and whether or not I end up there. I've been in this building for most of the day. You could say I'm depressed. I want to get out of here, cause sometimes sitting in the same room just makes you realize how much more worthless you really are. I cross the street. Immediately I want to get away from people. A walk along the water is nice. "A calm river will calm you down boy". I don't know why I put that in quotes, to me that's my original thought. But I'm sure someone has thought of it at one time or another. I walk to the bench that I had called my own. It's my first place to "escape" up here. It's the first place I found. But tonight I keep going. I have a different destination in mind. Besides, sometimes you just need to run away; and sometimes you need to run away as far away from everything as possible. I'm mainly focused on the scenery, the atmosphere around me. This is all new, this walk is for the future walks where I can focus more on the thoughts in my head and heart. I walk to a somewhat familiar place. I'll be just a few blocks away from it for the next four years, but I will never be the reason those parking lots fill up. I walk around the rotary. The long way. Only because someone is walking the other way, and I don't want to be with anyone right now. I look down and remember the busses being there. I remember the stairs where I stood with my best friend freezing our asses off, as we fear our balls would shrink so small they wouldn't ever come back. I look inside and continue, walk down the large walkway where I sat for hours in line. Walk over to the side entrance, but then down a little further. There is a nice little place here. Get rid of the lights, and it'd be perfect to just lay and look at the stars. I go towards the river, and take the walkway alongside it. They call it the river walk, but trees block the view. I stop on the bridge. I think it'd be cool if it just collapsed. I'd hold onto a piece of wood and just float down the river. I'd be able to just float away. No one would know what happened, and no one would understand. I continue walking. The nice walkway ends and an alley is ahead. I become anxious of who I might meet in here. I walk through, and start to head back. It seems like cars are parked on every part of the street they're not supposed to be. Here I go, headed back to the room. Back to where all the mistakes are waiting for me. Where reality lives. I decide to make the journey a little longer, and go back the way I started. This is a mistake. Then it happens. I think of you. This whole time I hadn't. I move on from it though. This isn't a good time to dwell on any of that, I'm going back to reality. I come back to end my walk, and now am just thinking about getting into my room and going on my computer to type all of this. I think about how much I missed writing the past few days. I try to make sense of new things (everything up here) when I don't have the older one's (home) figured out.

This was my night. I decided to write it so maybe some other night someone else can live it.
This is my life. I'm deciding to write it so maybe some other time someone else can live it.

<3

"I'm done with all that shit. I've moved on from this town"

those were my words. words that i was luckily able to catch right before my lips opened to let them out. Because it is a lie. That's more of a goal that I will probably never accomplish. Some things I have let go of. Others I can't. A few, I never want to. The only thing that coming back to this town did was remind me of everything I hate about it. If you really want to change, you have to change the atmosphere around you. You have to really get away from everything permanently. And I can't even promise that it will work. But being stuck in one place that you don't want to be will never get you anywhere you want to be. I came back home for the weekend. I forget the headaches. They were waiting, and greeted me when I arrived here.
From the second you pack the last bag and start the car, everything your driving away from is forgetting you.
But you can never forget it.
No matter how much you are trying to.
<3

sometimes being happy just makes me miss being sad so much

i herd that earlier this week a kid killed himself up here. jumped off a bridge they say "one does it every year" it just kid of sets me back. i think about how many times that could've (should've) been me. as i walk over the bridge i look down. not today i think in my head. i wish i had met that kid. i hope that someday in my pathetic life i stop someone from doing that (suicide). Then, and only, maybe just maybe then. I could forgive myself. I hate how nothing up here reminds me of my past. Nothing yet anyway. Sometimes I like to just think about the past. The day I thought I got you out of my head, you just ran straight to my heart. lets go to the tallest building and jump. we'll race our fears to the ground. It's the only way we won't get have to ever live without one another. im the leaf and you're the water. you can stay for a little while. but sooner or later you will move on to other places. and then im most likely to just fall to the ground. will life change? saw my shadow beating me to my future. push the button and sound the alarm. listen for the sirens as they get louder and louder. The boy stands there and watches and the police and paramedics are rushing out and running towards him as the fire truck comes down the street. "There's no emergency here," the boy says, "I just needed to know that somebody is willing to save me. Thanks," He says has he walks away.

I'll be back in the town i grew up in tomm. I'm trying to not call it home anymore, because I've realized that it isn't one to me. See the old faces and bring back the new fake smiles and awkward feelings of never quite fitting in. But at least down there, people actually know me a good amount. I can't say that about anyone up here yet.
Go count up the money you have right now.
And then go give it to charity.
Or just do something good.
Show somebody you're willing to save them.
<3