Running

My heart is racing. Sweat is covering my body. Music is pounding into my ears. It's giving me the strength to keep going. To do nothing but look forward. Running into the darkness. Streetlight to streetlight. Darkness makes me want to run faster. To run through it. Fuck looking back. Fuck stopping. My body can ache. My legs can hurt. I can cramp up. But it doesn't matter. I got my smile. I got my two swear fingers. These are two things I learned from Hey Chris. I'm going to keep pushing myself. I'm going to not give up. It's not physical strength, it's mental strength. Your mind puts limits on what you can do, as do a million other things in this world. Here's to saying fuck you to those limits, and beating.

Here's for new things. Here's for the future. Here's for having the freedom to do whatever I want to. Here's for wanting to go to Africa. Here's for wanting to start my own non-profit. I have dreams. I'm going after them. There's going to be a very small list of things in my life that I wish I would've done. Tomorrow is new. It has never happened before. So maybe you should do something that you have never done before. If you want to ask "why?" then you don't get it. If you asking yourself "why not?" then running tonight, well that was for you as much as it was for me.

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This weekend.

This morning I woke up tired. Very tired. Not just because of losing an hour of sleep. But because I was up yesterday from 8am until 1 (2 with the time change) am. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. I didn't want to go to work.
Would I do it all over again? In a second!
We don't remember the nights that we are sleeping.

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City and Colour

I'm listening to this band right now. I've heard a song here and there, but this is the first time. I'm hearing songs for the first time right now. Those golden moments. When the music is just music, and you can relax to it. You can smile when you hear a certain line, or a chord change. Because it's new. You've never heard it before. I'm smiling right now.

Today was difficult. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. I didn't want to go into the office. I didn't want to be around people. Living down here is fucking hard. Last night I thought about going home. Today, I forced myself out of bed. I went into the office and I sat and had a difficult conversation. I made myself very vulnerable. I was honest. "I feel like there might be other places where I'd be happier"... "I don't feel needed here sometimes. This is difficult for me. I'm worried about where this is going, and if it'll get any better." I was asked the question "What are you going to get out of this?" (wording could be off). I don't know why exactly I'm down here. I know part of it was to run away from stuff. I know part of it is because I hope it'll lead to a job. But there are other reasons and expectations that I had that I know aren't fair.

So I have to try to forget the unfair expectations. I have to try to find the real reasons I'm here right now. I realized that a lot of my frustrations come from insecurities. I'm not just saying that, I'm owning it and admitting it. I'm a people person. It's hard for be to have down time, because then I'm not with people. But there's also a deeper reason... because if I'm alone, I have to start to look at myself. I guess I'm running away from something. What is that? I've got to dig. Really dig. Right now I have an amazing opportunity in which I have time, support, and peace to do this. This is golden. So I'm going to try to take it. I want to be secure. If I'm going to follow these big plans I have laying ahead, I'm going to need to be okay. This is step one for all of that.

Here's to new things...
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Community & Growth by Jean Vanier

In every human being there is such a thirst for communion with another, a cry to be loved and understood - not judged or condemned; there is a yearning to be called forth as special and unique. But to have this communion with another involves demands: to come out of one's shell of protection, to become vulnerable in order to love and understand others, to call them forth as special and unique, to share and to give space and nourishment to them. That is where the pain and fear lie, even sometime the incapacity to love.

Phone Conversations...

This is going to be a little similar to a blog I will post tomorrow night, only like a sentence or two. I have followers on my blog now. Before I only had a few, now I have 11. I think that's cool. Makes me want to write better. So here I go.
I called my best friend from home tonight. We talked for close to 2 hours. The conversation could've went on the whole night. We bring out the best in each other. We seriously do. It's great that I have him. Being down here in Florida, it's real tough sometimes. I've been here about 2 months now, but it still doesn't feel like home. I don't feel as close to people as I could be. I don't feel connected. I know this takes time, and I'm trying to be patient. But there's something in here that I think we can all relate to. Being around people that don't know you well, that really shakes your sense of self. You start to question things, especially if you aren't encouraged as you used to be. To go from the support of a large community to living in a house with 5 strangers, that's challenging. I'm not saying just for me, I know it is for all of us. But we have all been put in situations where we start to question who we are. This is challenging that for me. And I can say that it is challenging my thoughts, my beliefs, and who I feel I am. I have to really look at myself. What am I willing to change? What can I give to this community? What are my core values, that I will stand strong on? There are a lot of questions.

Sometimes it's great to call someone back home and know that you are going to have a real conversation. That you are going to to feel real. I felt like Kevin Daniel Pelletier tonight. And not anyone of the 6 billion+ people in this world. I felt alive. Chris and I talked about how we both believe down the road we will start our own non-profit. It'd be pretty cool, and there is a great possibility that it could happen. Time will tell.

Starting to try to figure out what life will be like after this internship. Stay in FL, move back to MA, become a hobo? The options are endless. It's exciting, but also extremely scary. I can say I'm living the life I want though. I'm choosing to do the things I want to. Can you say the same? I don't ask that to put you down, I ask that as a challenge.

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It's Sunday morning

I'm feeling alive right now. I'm feeling things. Really feeling things. I have a couple of hours to relax until work. I'm going to go sit outside and read a book before work. I'm thankful for today. I'm thankful for so much. I'm glad that I'm waking up and remembering all of the great stuff in my life. Life is good. Life is fucking good. It's not perfect. But it's good. I love these moments.
Walking on the boardwalk down by the river the other night, I took my hoodie off, spread my arms, looked up, closed my eyes and smiled. I walked forward, and the wind crashed into me. I love little moments like this. Ones that we get lost in.

Here's to hoping that you have a moment you get lost in today... : )

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Parents

I don't talk about my parents a lot. I'm lucky. I'm soooo damn lucky, and I don't think I fully appreciate that. I was raised very well by two loving people. By two parents that have stayed together. That have been supportive, and cared through it all. They aren't perfect, but they fucking try.

I got to go up to MA this past weekend. I surprised my parents for their birthday (yes, they have the same birthday). I walked through the door and my Mom started crying. They were both very glad to see me. My brother came up. We got to all go out to dinner, his girlfriend, a couple of my friends, and my grandparents. We were together and we were a family. It was a wonderful night. The best part about it, no one was fake. We didn't have to laugh too loud and keep telling jokes so it wouldn't get awkward. We just laughed because we laughed. We talked.

I got to go see a lot of friends this weekend, which I'm so thankful for. I spent some more time with my parents Sunday night, having a home-cooked dinner. We talked a bit, I told them about things that have been going on, I herd some things that have been new with them. Monday they took me to the airport. They came in with me, and we ended up sitting down at a restaurant there, grabbing some food before I left. We talked a bit, but there were also moments of silence. My flight got delayed, so we stayed there later.

I wanted to speak in these moments of silence. I've had a tough time with some things with my parents over the years. There have been times that I've doubted them, and that I've pushed them away. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to tell them that they did good raising me. That I was so thankful for them and that I loved them. That I know I made it hard sometimes, but I'm glad they never gave up. That I couldn't be the person I am today without their support. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. My flight got delayed a second time..... and then a third.... I felt like God was giving me more chances. But I just let them go by.

I walked to the gate, I went to say bye and tears were flowing down both of their cheeks. "It never gets easier saying bye to you Kev" my dad said. I hugged him and told him I loved him. Then I hugged my mom and told her I loved her. I told them we would skype this weekend. Tears were starting to form in my eyes, just like they are right now. I said bye and walked towards security. I turned back and waved. I realized that my parents are growing older. That they will be retired in a few years, and then, who knows. I realized that I probably won't ever live with them again. That moments like this were going to become very golden. That I can only pray I get more chances like this one. Cause I fucked this one up. Or maybe I just wasn't ready. I don't know. But I love them. And I'm so thankful.

We all have someone that we love and that is in our lives. Go find that person right now and hug them.

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