Here's to the nights we felt alive

Sometimes, my desire to give love just comes from a deeper desire to receive it.

Coffee

Something I haven't had in months. Because I guess I feel like I was becoming addicted to it, and that I know it's a drug. I didn't want to use it. I guess I felt like I was cheating myself or others by having coffee. Yeah I know, that kinda sounds lame. Tomorrow I'm going to make myself a good breakfast, and I'm going to have coffee. Then I'm going to spend the afternoon writing and making videos of myself talking that no one (possibly not even me) will want to sit through and watch. Tomorrow I'm going to stop selling myself short, and try to push myself.

I'm fucking lonely right now. I'm miserable and broken. And I'm fucking sick of saying that shit. And as much as I want to write things right now that can express these feelings and focus on them, I'm not. I'm trying to grow up, and to look at things a different way. Here's to being positive, especially when it's difficult. Fight this fight with me.

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Florida, I have exactly one month left

Right now I'm at a point where when I wake up in the morning I wonder what I'm going to do during the day, what I'm going to do to get through it. I mean this in the sense that I begin the day searching for things to do, because I do not know of things I can do. I search from healthy things that can get me through the hours and at the least, make me not miserable.
I was at this place before down here, a couple of months ago. I tried to get myself into a routine to solve my problem. But that's not the way to solve it. I shouldn't have to SET a routine. I shouldn't have to have a plan for everyday. That can be a good thing for a little while, but it should only serve as a bridge. Because when I wake up I should be happy and ready and excited for the day. I shouldn't be trying to find a reason or make a plan before I get out of bed. I should just be able to jump out of bed and be excited for the day. I've been stuck in this position before. I got out of it once, and I can again.

I loving this song right now. New music is therapeutic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLS69RS97Kc

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I can't sleep; it's a good thing

There's a lot on my mind. That means I'm feeling again. I'm thinking again. Tonight was mainly consumed by a couple of great conversations which I'm very thankful for. I'm trying to love the person I am. I feel like in the past couple of days I have made some progress in that. There are things that I'm not ready to share with everyone, but I don't think that means I haven't come to terms with them. It means I'm not ready to handle the way people will react and judge them. I believe that those are two separate things. So I'm trying to move forward. I can honestly say that today I felt like I had a little more control in my life than I did yesterday. I know the conversations I had tonight helped.

I also read some interesting things tonight. How we are use to feel tension, and stress. How beautiful it can be if we learn to not feel those things, and just appreciate things as they are. We have tension built up in us, and it's not natural. If you have ever had trouble falling asleep at night then you can probably relate to this. It's the struggle of adjusting from our day, to the natural state that our body needs to be in to rest healthy.

Tonight I'm trying to let myself relax. I'm not focusing on the questions, the difficult things that lie ahead, nor the problems of the world. They will all be there when I wake up.

I'm thinking about this "exercise" that my last therapist suggested to me. How when we have trouble falling asleep, we can try this. It went something like this:

Think of yourself sitting in the shade of a tree next to a small river that is gently flowing on a nice summer evening. Think of something that is troubling you, and imagine yourself putting that trouble in a barrel, and letting it float down the river. If there is something else bothering you, imagine yourself placing that worry in another barrel, and letting it float down the river; and so on, and so on. Remember that you can get up, walk to the base of the river and collect your troubles whenever you'd like to. You aren't running away from them, just letting them float away for a little while. They are floating. You have a clear head. All that you can hear is the gentle stream flowing alongside you, and you lay your head in the soft grass under a tree and close your eyes. You are safe here. You are breathing in, and then out. In and then out. Life is this simple for tonight. In and out. In and out. You are sleeping.

In.
And Out.
In.
And Out.
In.
And Out.
The river is still flowing softly.
In
And Out.
In
And Out.
In

And good night.

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Tonight I feel like myself again. For the first time in a long time

Imagine how cool it would be if we could just walk up to strangers and say hi without it being awkward?

If you think that's cool, then try to walk around with a smile tomorrow and be welcoming towards strangers. I'm going to at least. I know that's something I don't tend to do, yet I bitch a lot about how I'm lonely down here.

Here's to tomorrow....
And here's to right now too. Cause it's good.

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Breath in, Breath out, relax

Today is being filled with whatever I want. To learn to spend a day on my own and find the happiness and beauty in it and the things I'm doing is something I'm re-learning. It's not healthy to have something control your whole day. I'm trying to take my day back. I'm trying to slowly get up, and right now I'm unsure of almost everything. It's one of those moments where you just have to keep going, have hope, and believe that things will make more sense as you go along. so I'm walking. Each day I'm going to try to write at least a little bit, wether on here, or not. This is something that is good.

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In my eyes, there's only one place to go from here....

Up.


It's time to start fucking climbing.

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