I'm not writing it

I'm not going to write about how I feel like this is the same exact feeling I had in the Winter of 2011. I'm not at the same spot. Tonight, I'm not drinking, something I would've done a year and a half ago. I don't care if I stay up all night. I'm not the person I was any moment before right now.
This is the feeling that allows me to be good at all the things I was. At helping people, reaching out, encouraging, caring. All these things are simply a coping mechanism. For a feeling of helplessness.
I'm done writing. I'm going to try to sleep. I'm going to wake up tomorrow, and it's going to be a new day.

It's funny. I was talking about how I need to stop comparing myself to the past. How I need to stop missing the old me. Now tonight, I feel like the old me. And I fucking hate it.

Broken people helping broken people. Ain't that the truth in this fucked up world. Once you're okay, you stop giving a shit.

Hug always. Tomorrow someone you care about could die. Don't let them die without knowing that you're thankful for them.

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It's been too long

Let me write about all the negative stuff. Because whenever we are doubting, it seems that all that is true is the negative things. Or at least, they are a hell of a lot easier to believe. I'm setting myself up for either an upset or a huge surprise. I'm acting like I won't get the job. This is why I'm not shaving, being a bum, wasting hours and days worth of time doing pointless things. I know I can be a better human being. But I'm not.

I liked moments like tonight, were I can go out to dinner with my best friend. Someone who has known me for the past 4 years. And we both feel we'll be doing the same things we do now in another 4 years, if not 40. Providing of course, we don't die. I
I need to stop being a fucking coward. For the answer to why the world is the way it is, I need look no further than the mirror. I've spent about 2 years talking about how I want to go to Africa. Haven't. I stayed here. I've been society's bitch. I've realized that at least lately I need to try to practice a lot of what I preach. Because I'm not.

I'm sorry, but I think I've tried to play superman one too many times. My hope has been lost with a girl that still holds onto a pole every night to make a living, with a girl who was so addicted to running away from the pain of the truth that she would sell her body for it, with the friends that I hurt and pushed away because I was too focused on those who didn't have a friend. See, I feel like it's easier to talk about these things and say I'm not okay now. Because I don't have all these people looking up to me, or seeking hope and inspiration from me. I don't have an organization that I'm working for that I have to worry about how they'll react. I can easily say that right now, I'm not happy. And maybe once I get a job that'll change. Or maybe it'll cover it up just enough to allow me to get by. I feel like if I could sit down and have a talk with myself, I'd get myself to go back to counseling. I'd find someone good, and good talk to them.

I want to stop being a fucking coward. I want to take another break from school after this semester. I want to go to Africa, and to start my own non-profit. I want just one person, just one out of 7 billion, to look me in the eyes, to tell me this is okay, and that they believe in me and will support me. 1 out of 7,000,000,000. 1. 2 wouldn't be bad either.

Love isn't saving someone. Love isn't showing a person that you will risk it all because you care. Love isn't helping someone so much that you start to move backwards instead of forward.
‎"Choosing to marry is choosing to live a dual life, to bring two different lives into union and we don't do that unless the tie that unites them, the life in common, is holier and higher than the work of either apart." -Ella Lyman Cabot.
I want that.

I can't say that I'll like everyone all the time. But I need to always remember to try to never hurt anyone. Just that one simple thing.

"Come closer. Come into this". The same stuff still works. I hope today, after 4-5 hours of sleep, I get to have a good day. I hope you know that you are beautiful. I want to know less names of college professors, and more names of people that are truly happy. Imagine that, driving across America searching for people that are happy. Imagine what we could find. What a learning experience that would be. I need to dream bigger, and have more hope. I need to look in the mirror every morning and say "I love you, and I believe in you." I can start with this.

Come with me. Let's go see the world. And then shake it again.
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To myself, 10, or 20 years from now

Dear Kevin,

I wanted to stop right now and write a note to the future me. I hope you are still around. I hope nothing has happened to you, and I also hope that you haven't given up. I was going to sit here and write a blog complaining about the world and blaming no one and everyone at the same time. However, that's not new. That's not progressive. Maybe this isn't progressive either, but I feel like I'm at least getting closer.

First I want to talk to you about kids. If you do have some, or are ever going to in the future, please remember this. Teach them that they should always feel they have the freedom to do what makes them happy. See, I'm sitting here frustrated that I'm back in college once again. I'm wishing I hadn't come to college. I'm wishing that after high school I could've taken a step back. Explored, been given some freedom and encouragement to invest time and effort into figuring out who I am, what I want, and what life means to me. I don't want my kids to make the same mistake I did, and blindly go directly from high school to college, or a job. Before they have put thousands of dollars and so much of their precious time on this earth into something they have to believe in it. Believe in it because they have looked into their souls and that's the answer they've found.

Secondly, I hope you are doing something that makes you happy. If you have a job, I hope you're happy doing it. If you're not, then please get off your ass and quit right now. Remember this: Love and Happiness > everything else. I'm debating right now which is more important, happiness or love. Any thoughts?

Love. I hope that word makes you smile. I hope it is playing a big role in your life. You are (or rather, were) someone that cares a lot about people and relationships. I hope that hasn't changed. You can always have more time for a couple of cups of coffee, and time with friends. Put them first. I want to write other things, but I hope reading this did you some good. Keep smiling.

I love you.

With Hope,
Kevin



I realized something about myself right now. I have been hesitant to reach out to people. I use to be annoyed with people the would post things on facebook like "anyone want to hang out?". But that's what I do now. I think I'm scared to reach out to individuals as much because I fear rejection. This is something I can hopefully work on. I believe good things don't come easy. Go after the good things. : )

I'll read this in the AM. I'm going to bed. G night

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Who are you? Why are you here?

These are two questions we will never have solid answers to in our lives. I guess you can say I'm always chasing after better parts of answers. I don't think I ever have to worry about settling in life, because I question things and strive so hard for better, truer, happier things to full up my life.

I've been at school not even 3 weeks, and I'm looking for a change. I think it'll come in the form of my job, as I'm ready to be done with that. It's easy and mindless, but I'm more valuable than this. Driving people around (sometimes drunk people) is a waste of my talents and time. Money should never run my life, and the number one reason I have this job is just that, money. I want to find a job that I love doing, one that is meaningful to me.

This is something that I think is really tough for a lot of us. I don't think I'm at all alone in this one. Having the desire for the focus of your life to be something that you find meaningful; that makes you happy. However, our beliefs and values are always changing (and hopefully growing) as we go through life. I can start planing now to do something this summer. But by the time summer comes, will I still want to do it?

Why did I come back to school? Because it was one of the easiest things to do. Also because I know I have some happy moments hear.

I'm ashamed at that answer. I was sitting home all fall and I never really stopped and thought about what I really want. I want to go to Africa. I want to go check out Cali and learn to be a better surfer. I want to spend more of my time getting to know people for who they are. I know that I also have to be responsible and pay for things and that I will have a debt coming out of college (whenever I finally graduate). I think it's time to sit and think about these things. Hopefully I take advantage of some of my free time this week and do just that.

There will always be people that don't challenge themselves. I hope I'm never one of them.

I need more cups of coffee shared in the company of a friend in my life. I hope this week you get to do just that at LEAST once.

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Update, College life

I've been using that expression a lot the past week, "College Life". I mean, I am back in college, so I guess it makes sense and is fair to use it.

In a sense, I feel like it's all overwhelming. Being back here on campus, seeing old friends, being in classes. It's a different lifestyle for sure. Going from the sunny beach in Florida living a simple, and relaxing life where the only problem was feeling like I somewhat lacked a purpose; to moving back to MA. Living back at home, enjoying all the time I got to spend with my family, and reconnecting with old friends. Now I'm back at school. 2011 was full of a lot of free time, and free choices. Now I'm being held more accountable for myself and my actions. I have work, classes, and lots of homework. As my best friend put it the other day, college means "The feeling of never being relaxed, because you always have more stuff to do. Even if you have everything done for tomorrow, you know in the back of your mind that you could be doing more stuff for something in the near future." It's an odd feeling. It can drive you or discourage you.

I have learned (or remembered depending on how you want to look at it) that it is important to remember what I have accomplished everyday, and to feel good about myself. I'm trying to make quality time with friends and good conversations more of a part of my life. The past couple of days, this has been going really well. I'm thankful for it. I hope this is always a part of my life. Last year I struggled a lot with the question, "Who am I?" I know that this (conversations and friends) is part of that answer.

I feel like this semester I am more determined to get my work done and to make sure I do good. I like this. My main focus is school, and I think it should be, seeing the amount of time, and effort I'm putting into it, and the amount of money my parents have given (even though money isn't as important).

I'm still not sure what the future holds for me. Maybe I'll start my own non-profit, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll be a counselor, maybe I'll do work with people in third-world countries. Maybe I'll do something I've never thought of, or maybe I'll even die tomorrow. We never know when we will leave this earth. I just watched videos with a friend reminding me of how important it is to say things now. To make sure you are doing things you want, and have told those people that you love, that you do love them. "Maybe we've told them we love them; but do you ever get tired of hearing it?".

If you're my friend, please know I love you. I'm thankful you are a part of my life. I forgive you for the times that I haven't been a great friend, and I hope you can forgive me too. If you aren't my friend, please know you are loved, and that you matter very much. And also, why the heck aren't we friends? Cause you're probably pretty cool. We should probably talk.

I hope you have a good night. I hope tomorrow rocks. I hope in the next month you get to watch both a sunrise and a sunset. I hope every hour you get to hear the words "I love you" and you get hugs just as much.

There's a tattoo on my back that says LOVE IS THE MOVEMENT.

Goodnight,
<3

The scariest times are also the most exciting

I wake up and feel like it's spring. There's a couple of inches of snow on the ground, and its 30 degrees outside if I'm lucky. But I associate how I'm feeling right now with spring. Spring is new beginnings, and fresh starts. Spring is that feeling that the only familiar thing about it is that it's new.
My whole life is ahead of me. The options are there. I feel like this semester, like right now, is time for me to chase my dreams. I can explore things, I can let ideas flow over conversations with a hot cup of coffee in my hand. I can feel connected, and get to become closer with others.

My name is Kevin Pelletier. I would like to start a non-profit after I graduate with my undergraduate degree. This gives me a year to a year and a half of prep. Let the brain storming begin.

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Change change, and a little more change.

Wow. It's been awhile. I have some thoughts that are kind of all over the place. I think. So here we go!:

Florida was awesome. It was great to go back there and visit, but I realize that it isn't a place I want to live long term. I enjoyed my time there, but I feel like when I'm down there I'm missing something. Actually, I know I am. A purpose. I feel like down there my life is simple and easy and maybe even a little boring. That's exactly how a vacation should be, because it's relaxing. But life isn't boring.

When we are growing up, we are told not to talk to strangers. I guess I can understand why we are told that, though it is unfortunate. At what age is it okay to talk to strangers again? Because I know it's gotta be earlier than 21, and I feel like most people don't get that memo. Or at least, they don't take action. Consequently, a lot of us are dying of loneliness.

Having a passion is great. Focusing on doing something, and helping out a particular cause is wonderful. It is important to remember that through this, we must remain humble. Though we may feel like it at times, it isn't a fact that whatever cause we are working for is the most important. That is only an opinion. It's good to keep time to always put our efforts into numerous things. Because sometimes we can be so focused on a good thing, we forget about others, and starting hurting them. We can end up doing more bad than good unintentionally.

It's funny how we can boast about the "wrong doings" of others so easily, but never stop and take a second to look in the damn mirror.

I'm thankful for my awesome friends and family. For everyone who keeps the judging to a minimum and the encouragement to a max.

I'm going to try to not play xbox at all the rest of the week. And also keep the tv time down. Hoping to be a little more productive this week.

G night y'all.

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