Waiting

I have had a pretty darn good weekend. A lot of time spent with friends, and a lot of time doing pretty much nothing. However, now I am home. It is great to be home, and it is nice to go on a motorcycle with my dad, and a walk with my parents on a beautiful afternoon. Talking is good. I do love my parents. They are pretty awesome and pretty damn supportive.
I feel like I'm not doing a lot of writing nor thinking in certain ways lately. I think that maybe I'm just focusing on this job, and not thinking about other things much. I love the good conversations I can have with friends though, and I've had a lot of good ones in the past few days. I'm thankful for this. I'm going to try to make these next few days really productive. I have to work on an essay, to do a research assignment, and I'd like to do some reading and thinking of my own too. I don't have an xbox at home anymore. I don't have many distractions, and I think that's great because it'll help me focus.
I feel like right now, at this moment, I can't really describe nor explain me, because I'm in the process of changing. And I'm okay with that.

I hope tomorrow I'm productive. I'm going to go look at wet suits in the morning. Maybe afterwards I'll surf!!!! We shall see. Current water temp in Newport: 45. This is not Florida.

I'm going to do some reading before I go to bed now. Because I want to feel productive. I hope I get a lot done this week. The semester is half over. I can't wait until it's fully over.

P.S. I hope I get this job!!!!

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Why do you wake up in the morning?
Why do you get out of bed?
Why do you choose to keep living?
Why do you go to school and sit in class?
Why do you go to work?
Are you happy?

These are a lot of questions. A lot of big questions. Let us focus on just one, in my opinion, the most important one? Are you happy? I am in the middle of my day right now. This morning I had my favorite class, American Philosophy. It's my favorite class because of the teacher. Because he cares, and he simply hopes that you will come to his class with the belief that it could change your life. He WANTS it to. I have 3 other classes right now. I can't say I feel any of them are going to change my life, nor can I say that I care about them a lot.
Dear children, America is taking advantage of you. They are taking money from you that you have not yet earned, they are promoting the new trends that they expect you to buy into simply because they are trends. It has taken me a lot time to stop complaining and to finally say it, but I'm ready to: WE ARE BETTER THAN THIS!
We can do great things. We can change the world. We can learn to create ourselves instead of giving into the expectations that others have for us. I hope to eventually create a non-profit which encourages people to do just that. To learn to be ourselves, to love without fear, to feel free. These are ideas. I want to sit outside on this beautiful day and let my dreams flow through my fingers onto paper. I feel alive right now. I'm thankful for the things in my life that allow me to feel this. For the great teacher I have, for the awesome friends I talk with, for the support and love of my family, and for the non-profits that I'm connected with. Life is good right now.

Let's make a difference.
"Who are you to end a war? I'm here to tell you who are you not to?"

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Home

It feels...... nice. It's comfortable. My worries, my problems, my struggles. They all don't matter as much here. I feel safe. I feel like I can just be me, or try to be the best version of me that I know and the time. And it's okay. It's enough. I don't have to impress anyone. Love doesn't ask for that. I must be honest, as much as there were crappy moments growing up, this is a great family. I'm loved. I've been given encouragement to go after my dreams, and I can really say that. Like go live in Florida for 9 months encouragement. I'm laying in MY bed and it feels comfortable. I'm 21 years old, and I like that I had a pretty quite evening tonight, and that I'm hanging out at my house, doing simple things. The little things matter. Here, I'm allowed to do the little things. I get to talk, and know someone is always here to listen. I get to hug my dog and let her lick my face. I see the worried look on her face every time I head towards the door. But I keep coming back, and she feels relieved. I'll be hanging around here for a couple more days, and I'm glad I get to do that. Tonight, I call fall asleep easily. I can lay here believing tomorrow will be good.

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I'm not writing it

I'm not going to write about how I feel like this is the same exact feeling I had in the Winter of 2011. I'm not at the same spot. Tonight, I'm not drinking, something I would've done a year and a half ago. I don't care if I stay up all night. I'm not the person I was any moment before right now.
This is the feeling that allows me to be good at all the things I was. At helping people, reaching out, encouraging, caring. All these things are simply a coping mechanism. For a feeling of helplessness.
I'm done writing. I'm going to try to sleep. I'm going to wake up tomorrow, and it's going to be a new day.

It's funny. I was talking about how I need to stop comparing myself to the past. How I need to stop missing the old me. Now tonight, I feel like the old me. And I fucking hate it.

Broken people helping broken people. Ain't that the truth in this fucked up world. Once you're okay, you stop giving a shit.

Hug always. Tomorrow someone you care about could die. Don't let them die without knowing that you're thankful for them.

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It's been too long

Let me write about all the negative stuff. Because whenever we are doubting, it seems that all that is true is the negative things. Or at least, they are a hell of a lot easier to believe. I'm setting myself up for either an upset or a huge surprise. I'm acting like I won't get the job. This is why I'm not shaving, being a bum, wasting hours and days worth of time doing pointless things. I know I can be a better human being. But I'm not.

I liked moments like tonight, were I can go out to dinner with my best friend. Someone who has known me for the past 4 years. And we both feel we'll be doing the same things we do now in another 4 years, if not 40. Providing of course, we don't die. I
I need to stop being a fucking coward. For the answer to why the world is the way it is, I need look no further than the mirror. I've spent about 2 years talking about how I want to go to Africa. Haven't. I stayed here. I've been society's bitch. I've realized that at least lately I need to try to practice a lot of what I preach. Because I'm not.

I'm sorry, but I think I've tried to play superman one too many times. My hope has been lost with a girl that still holds onto a pole every night to make a living, with a girl who was so addicted to running away from the pain of the truth that she would sell her body for it, with the friends that I hurt and pushed away because I was too focused on those who didn't have a friend. See, I feel like it's easier to talk about these things and say I'm not okay now. Because I don't have all these people looking up to me, or seeking hope and inspiration from me. I don't have an organization that I'm working for that I have to worry about how they'll react. I can easily say that right now, I'm not happy. And maybe once I get a job that'll change. Or maybe it'll cover it up just enough to allow me to get by. I feel like if I could sit down and have a talk with myself, I'd get myself to go back to counseling. I'd find someone good, and good talk to them.

I want to stop being a fucking coward. I want to take another break from school after this semester. I want to go to Africa, and to start my own non-profit. I want just one person, just one out of 7 billion, to look me in the eyes, to tell me this is okay, and that they believe in me and will support me. 1 out of 7,000,000,000. 1. 2 wouldn't be bad either.

Love isn't saving someone. Love isn't showing a person that you will risk it all because you care. Love isn't helping someone so much that you start to move backwards instead of forward.
‎"Choosing to marry is choosing to live a dual life, to bring two different lives into union and we don't do that unless the tie that unites them, the life in common, is holier and higher than the work of either apart." -Ella Lyman Cabot.
I want that.

I can't say that I'll like everyone all the time. But I need to always remember to try to never hurt anyone. Just that one simple thing.

"Come closer. Come into this". The same stuff still works. I hope today, after 4-5 hours of sleep, I get to have a good day. I hope you know that you are beautiful. I want to know less names of college professors, and more names of people that are truly happy. Imagine that, driving across America searching for people that are happy. Imagine what we could find. What a learning experience that would be. I need to dream bigger, and have more hope. I need to look in the mirror every morning and say "I love you, and I believe in you." I can start with this.

Come with me. Let's go see the world. And then shake it again.
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To myself, 10, or 20 years from now

Dear Kevin,

I wanted to stop right now and write a note to the future me. I hope you are still around. I hope nothing has happened to you, and I also hope that you haven't given up. I was going to sit here and write a blog complaining about the world and blaming no one and everyone at the same time. However, that's not new. That's not progressive. Maybe this isn't progressive either, but I feel like I'm at least getting closer.

First I want to talk to you about kids. If you do have some, or are ever going to in the future, please remember this. Teach them that they should always feel they have the freedom to do what makes them happy. See, I'm sitting here frustrated that I'm back in college once again. I'm wishing I hadn't come to college. I'm wishing that after high school I could've taken a step back. Explored, been given some freedom and encouragement to invest time and effort into figuring out who I am, what I want, and what life means to me. I don't want my kids to make the same mistake I did, and blindly go directly from high school to college, or a job. Before they have put thousands of dollars and so much of their precious time on this earth into something they have to believe in it. Believe in it because they have looked into their souls and that's the answer they've found.

Secondly, I hope you are doing something that makes you happy. If you have a job, I hope you're happy doing it. If you're not, then please get off your ass and quit right now. Remember this: Love and Happiness > everything else. I'm debating right now which is more important, happiness or love. Any thoughts?

Love. I hope that word makes you smile. I hope it is playing a big role in your life. You are (or rather, were) someone that cares a lot about people and relationships. I hope that hasn't changed. You can always have more time for a couple of cups of coffee, and time with friends. Put them first. I want to write other things, but I hope reading this did you some good. Keep smiling.

I love you.

With Hope,
Kevin



I realized something about myself right now. I have been hesitant to reach out to people. I use to be annoyed with people the would post things on facebook like "anyone want to hang out?". But that's what I do now. I think I'm scared to reach out to individuals as much because I fear rejection. This is something I can hopefully work on. I believe good things don't come easy. Go after the good things. : )

I'll read this in the AM. I'm going to bed. G night

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Who are you? Why are you here?

These are two questions we will never have solid answers to in our lives. I guess you can say I'm always chasing after better parts of answers. I don't think I ever have to worry about settling in life, because I question things and strive so hard for better, truer, happier things to full up my life.

I've been at school not even 3 weeks, and I'm looking for a change. I think it'll come in the form of my job, as I'm ready to be done with that. It's easy and mindless, but I'm more valuable than this. Driving people around (sometimes drunk people) is a waste of my talents and time. Money should never run my life, and the number one reason I have this job is just that, money. I want to find a job that I love doing, one that is meaningful to me.

This is something that I think is really tough for a lot of us. I don't think I'm at all alone in this one. Having the desire for the focus of your life to be something that you find meaningful; that makes you happy. However, our beliefs and values are always changing (and hopefully growing) as we go through life. I can start planing now to do something this summer. But by the time summer comes, will I still want to do it?

Why did I come back to school? Because it was one of the easiest things to do. Also because I know I have some happy moments hear.

I'm ashamed at that answer. I was sitting home all fall and I never really stopped and thought about what I really want. I want to go to Africa. I want to go check out Cali and learn to be a better surfer. I want to spend more of my time getting to know people for who they are. I know that I also have to be responsible and pay for things and that I will have a debt coming out of college (whenever I finally graduate). I think it's time to sit and think about these things. Hopefully I take advantage of some of my free time this week and do just that.

There will always be people that don't challenge themselves. I hope I'm never one of them.

I need more cups of coffee shared in the company of a friend in my life. I hope this week you get to do just that at LEAST once.

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