(a different kind of) struggle

Break ups suck. That just plain suck. And there's nothing that helps expect acknowledging that they suck and time. And also supports. But it's tough. It's easy to tell yourself or say that you "hate the other person" but that's rarely true. I think a lot of times we will say that because we don't want to deal with the pain. Because they are a really great person. They have a lot of great qualities and that's why we were in a relationship with them in the first place. I think it finally started to hit me this morning when I walking into my apartment and saw that the only stuff left here is mine. I noticed what's gone. It's hard. It's fucking hard. "If we cannot be together, can we at least not hurt each other?" This is my goal for now. To hurt as little as possible. It should always be a goal for everyone. I'm focusing on it right now as my goal because it's good to be reminded of these things. And because it's the only goal I can think of that makes sense. <3

"Having intimate human relationships is the hardest thing we do in our lives. I truly believe that."

Love is something we will continue to learn about throughout our entire lives. I think that's awesome and beautiful. I've started re-reading books by Leo Buscaglia. We can so easily forget the little, simple things. It's good to have reminders. I want to be a better lover. First to myself and then to others. My heart has a soft place for people that I feel do not receive the amount of love they deserve; or maybe just need a little more support. I want to instantly give them the love and support they need. I really think that's why I started dating Beth. She wasn't getting enough love and support. She needed more. More than I could give her as a friend. Because you can only help someone so much as a friend. And it complicates things a lot when they are an extremely sexual person. But I don't want this post to be about her. I'm trying to understand where this place in my heart comes from. I like to call it passion. Where does this passion come from? I remember when I first started struggling with things. I was kind of religious. But if God cared then why would he let me go through this stuff? I feel away from religion. I remember taking a road trip down to Heavy & Light. I remember hearing Aaron G. speak. I remember we were driving back up the coast, somewhere in South Carolina I think. My best friend Chris was driving; Carra and Rachel in the backseat. I had headphones in and got a revelation. I remember taking them off and telling everyone my life just changed. "What if the reason I went through all this stuff before was so I can now relate and help others?". I believe that statement is true. I'm super excited that I'm spending my life helping others. I'm not sure if I believe in God or not anymore but that's another conversation. I think I'm scared though that by getting help now and talking about stuff I'm going to loose some of this passion. Because I think that maybe this passion is fueled by guilt I have. I don't feel anything more extreme in my life than my passion for helping others. And I think that scares me in regards to the friendships and relationships I have. Because if the most intense feelings I've had in my life are caused by underlying guilt... that sucks. And maybe I'm dwelling on the negative cause I'm feeling depressed tonight. I think my passion has changed for other reasons. I've lost heroes. I don't have people I really look up to anymore and see as larger than life (a negative thing about having interned with TWLOHA, though there were many great). That was a huge source of my inspiration. But I'm thinking now too. When I first meet people I love to bring up that I lived in Florida for a year. Maybe because it's different. Or maybe because that's the last time I felt happy. Honestly fully happy. Or maybe it was before that but I was able to lie to myself for part of the time down there. And that's not at all to say that there aren't things or people that make me happy now. There are tons! But since running away down south I've also had this knot in my heart. This is hopeful. To think that maybe I can be happier than I have been in awhile. Happier with myself. I've thought a lot lately also about how I hate hearing compliments. I remember that was the case in Florida. I don't think it comes from being humble (let's be honest, I can be cocky). I think it's because of this guilt I have and I don't want to accept good things. Because I can always do better ("every day I try to be a little less shitty of a person"). It's funny sometimes how I seem to just write the same stuff on here. Over and over again. <3

A new begining that is familiar

"Why are you typing on your computer?!?!?!? I'm a real fucking person and I'm right here in front of you!!!! TALK TO ME!" It was something along those lines that was said to me. A summer in Florida a few years ago now. The last time we really hung out. She was right. She was totally right. I had become too comfortable writing and I wasn't as good at talking as I could've been. I called her crying and asked her to come down and see me because I was a mess. And she did. I was having a hard time being alone. It was the hardest thing I'd done in my life. She had came down there because I needed somebody. And she was right in front of me but I couldn't even talk to her. I'm glad she yelled at me then. She was right and I needed to hear it. So I stopped writing. Not completely at first but a lot. We never talked anymore. This was the only way she knew what was going on in my life. And I guess it helped her to read what was going on in my life/my thoughts/feelings in some way too. She knew I had a big heart. She knew I cared. But the fact that no one had viewed my blog in months and then one person did the day before she took her life... I knew that was her. And I felt like I let her down again. I played the "what if" game (nothing good ever comes from it). I guess I feel guilty because maybe I could've written the right thing that would've given her enough hope. I was so outgoing and caring before her. She changed that in me. And I don't blame her for it, because she was an amazing woman. She went through hell and never got the amount of love that she needed. But I wasn't enough of a support for her. She needed more. And I still feel helpless and guilty about it all. I have a lot of sorrow and pain that I've kept inside. I'm taking steps to help myself face this. I recently really fucked up and almost lost the most important person in my life. I'm done losing people. Writing this feels good. I just need to remember to talk too. <3

It's the week of the year that sucks. Stress if coming form everywhere and I'm feeling it. It's almost 5am, and I've just woken up. Can't go back to sleep. I have 3 papers due by Thurs the 20th (I'm only half way through the first one). I have a new job that worries me and also stresses me out. I have debt close to $3,000 (and let's not talk about the college loans...) I have to apply to grad schools, and hope that I can get in with a 3.0 GPA, because that's the best I have. Somewhere in between all of this I'm supposed to find time to work on me, and be a better person myself. To be a better boyfriend, a better friend, and a better son. I'm learning the more things pile on, and deadlines are posted, the easier it is to lose yourself in all of it. I'm stuck not having time to answer the questions "Who am I? How have I been doing lately? What can I do better? When will I get some me time?" It seems the only time left for me to think about these things is 5am, robbing me of sleep because my brain is wide awake. But I need my sleep. Because tomorrow I have to finish a paper, go to work, prove I'm ready to serve on my own, and then remember everything else on the list of stuff I have to do. I don't like who I am this week. Hopefully a week from now that answer can change. Hopefully....

Nature vs. technology

It's funny how I'm trying to use the internet right now to not feel alone. It doesn't work to well. I'd be better off just calling someone, or going for a walk outside. Even if it is Lowell, i guess. I want to be alone tonight because I want to know I can be. I have grief inside me. I have stress and questions and confusion and desires and dreams and everything I list just seems to bring more questions. I have questions.... questions.... questions. Sunday I want to go on a hike and I hope I get to. I want to have a day doing something I choose to do, and to feel free and accomplished. I don't need a grade or a "like" to feel accomplished. Those things are superficial. I need the sense of pride that comes within me, and also those that come from honest kind words, smiles, and hugs. I need to just be me. A couple of nights ago I read the beginning of one of Leo Buscaglia's books. It had been way to long. I simply read the intro and was able to feel more alive and happy than I have in a month. I got some of my spark back thanks to reading that. The knowledge, and equally as important the belief in the knowledge that happiness spreads. It's contagious. I want to share it with everyone and just do good things! Sometimes, like right now, at the end of the day we are left here feeling like we let today down. We could've done a little better, or allowed it to be a little more meaningful. I don't think it's good to dwell, so I'm not going to. I think the best we can do is to try to do a little better tomorrow. I miss honest, sometimes difficult, conversations over coffee. Who ever is reading this, let's have one soon. Make both of our days more meaningful and cheerful. I don't write on here often because I'm trying to use people and nature instead of technology. I know it's the better way. < 3

Grief

I'm learning lately that there's a big difference between most of my friends and myself. When something tragic happens: My friends- I'm here to talk if you need me Me- When can we grab coffee? That is a big difference. I never realized how much it can mean until now unfortunately being on the other side of the tragedy. I want to be as caring as I can. Always. I'm going to try to really work on that. <3

Someone viewed this page yesterday. I'll guess it's the same person that took her last breath yesterday

I never thought she'd make me feel like this again. Helpless. Lost. Confused. Hurt. Sad. Scared. Angry. Angry at myself, at her, and at everyone and everything. Just a desire to feel. I guess all the emotions get so mixed up that I'm just left with a feeling of numbness. Yesterday, my ex girlfriend died by suicide. I'm not sure I know how to feel, act, or react. I'm used to being on the opposite side of this conversation. I don't think it's fully hit me yet though. That's for sure. Because I'm functioning. And I don't think I should be. People leave our lives, and it hurts for a little while. But it hurts a little less everyday. And eventually, we stop feeling the pain. It hurts less because as much as maybe we aren't in their lives, we know that they have their own. That they are living their own life, and it's probably going okay, if not better. Her life wasn't going okay. In fact, it was so (insert negative word that maybe she would've used, because I don't know why and it's not my place to guess) that she decided to quit it. To give up on life, completely. To leave behind those that cared about her. I still cared about her. I still loved her. And I say that in a past tense only because I don't know what exactly "her" is anymore. I don't know if you can care and/or love the idea of someone. I don't know what happens after death. She was someone special to me. She taught me a lot about life, the hardships of it, and a lot about growing up. She use to tell me how fucked up her world was; how difficult her life was. I always was still able to find beauty in it. She taught me how to have fun in a place I didn't feel connected. In florida, we went to the beach every night. To hear the waves and look at the stars, and to go in the water. She allowed me to experience the joy of having a beautiful baby sit in my lap while I read to her. A baby that now has no mother, and a dead beat prick ass dad that'll never be in her life. This woman could've done wonderful things. She did, but she could've done more. I don't know why she decided to end her life, and I'd like to try to get a little better of an idea why she did; but I do know that she was one of the strongest woman I've ever known. She has taught me things that I will keep with me forever. Dear ____, I'm sorry life got to this point. I'm sorry giving up seemed like an acceptable choice. I know we weren't great at always showing it, but there are a lot of people that care about you. I'm sorry we haven't talked in months. I was scared. For you and me, and the future. I was selfish and wanted to make sure I continued to "move forward" with my life. I didn't reach out. I've stopped sending random texts to not just you, but everyone. Little things like, "Good morning, have a wonderful day." These texts will start again. I know you believed in spiritual things, and some Buddhist ideas. I hope that you have been re-created and have come back to this earth. I hope that you are your favorite flower. I hope people take the time to notice your beauty, and appreciate you as much as you deserve. I hope they appreciate you more. Thank you for allowing me to walk through part of your life with you. Thank you for sharing the good times, and teaching me in the bad. Fuck. I miss you. I want to hug you. Or even just know that you're breathing, and doing okay. I don't even have to see you. I just want you to be happy. May our paths cross down the road, in future lives, or where ever it is we end up. With Hope, Kevin I would always rather have a friend call me at 2am, even if I haven't spoken to them in years, then to find out the next day that they took their own life. I don't say that for myself, it doesn't matter who the hell says this, but everyone should hear it. You are loved. You are important. People that don't know you want to hug you and walk through the hard times with you. There's someone out there you haven't met yet that you'll want to kiss. There's dreams you haven't even formed yet that you'll accomplish. There's places you'll see that will take your breath away. There's moments that will make you cry tears of joy. There's days you'll spend almost all of smiling and laughing. There's moments you'll share with others that'll become memories. There's the entire world, and the entire rest of your life waiting. Please don't ever give up. Please keep breathing. Please pick up the phone. Please go knock on a door. Please tell someone you're not okay in the present moment. It's okay to do all these things. It's encouraged. It's the better choice than giving up. "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." <3 This is one of those rare moments that we can actually say goodbye.... Goodbye Beth