What is this?

I am afraid that I will never again be completely happy with either of the two paths I could take. I want all of this so bad, that i try to not look for love. But if love actually found me, would I be able to give this up? No. So I could never commit to one thing. That's why some commit to the choice of no more choices. Maybe it's the weather, but I just don't feel right. I'm confused. I'm being tossed in so many different directions. Which way is pulling me the most? Should I let it? Should I just drop out and figure out what my heart really wants and then spend my whole life chasing that?
Love, I miss you.


I've got so many great friends in high places
I've got so many people who care
All my friends listen and understand my pain
I have so many best friends that are always there
All my friends understand my shame
I have so many people who can give me a lift
But before I saw thank you to all my friends
Let me tell you that this is all bull shit

I'm still alone, maybe worse than ever
I'm still alone, love won't come back
you want to help but you cant, so send me a letter
there's so much knowledge your heart lacks

cut me open, dissect my insides
3 years now I've been ready to die
this shame and guilt will fallow me to my grave
Give me a shovel I don't want to be saved
I'll lay in the coffin and say goodnight
You just have to shut it tight.
you can't help me live anymore,
so can you help me die?
life isn't hardcore
when love starts with a lie

college is all about getting drunk and fucking people you don't really know and getting high. Because if you take away all of that, you realize that it just totally sucks. You realize how alone you feel. Everyone has the same major, It's called becoming someone you're not. I wonder if she'd end up becoming a professor here.

I have a secret, but it's too early to tell.
And I don't want to ruin it, it's kinda the only thing I have going for me right now.

(maybe I just need to get laid)
<3

It's not Disneyland, so where?

find me a place where we don't have to grow up.

I don't like waking up

The past few times I've woken up without writing and/or listening to music before i go to sleep, I've had bad dreams. Not necessarily nightmares; but just bad dreams. Dreams the put me in a lousy mood when I wake up. Dreams that have me thinking about things I probably shouldn't be. It's not comforting. The only thing it makes feel right is pulling up the shade and seeing a rainy day ahead of me.
I've realized that I don't want to let go of you, because you're a part of my life wether or not you want to be. As much as you weren't a great friend at all; all those times I thought you were listening and caring weren't a complete waste. I realized and found out a lot about myself. I changed in a few ways, and started to adapt to pain and feeling lonely. You hurt me so much, but I guess in a way you've helped me to. By doing nothing. You have me so curious all the time. I wonder if you'll change. If there really is a bigger picture for you. I considered you my best friend, but I didn't even know your biggest secret. Is it cause you didn't even know it? I'm still attached to you. It can be bad or it can be good; but its happening. Who knows. I just had to get this off my chest so I could get out of bed this morning. I'm sorry if it doesn't make a lot of sense.

<3

Watch this

http://www.falloutboyrock.com/falloutboy/blog_detail.php?uf_item_id=1-106301&uf_system_id=1

It's patrick doing an interview. He's not really talking about the band, but more so the world we live in. It kind of hit me, so I figured I'd give you the info. and maybe it can touch you too.


<3

"we want to be remembered for doing something heroic. Heroic in who's eyes though?

On the drive back up here, there was an ambulance fallowing me for quite a few miles. It eventually passed me, but It was in viewing distance for awhile after that also. I'll let you make the metaphor for that on your own. I just kind of liked the bright lights.
Most of my friends will never miss me as much as I miss them. Or be as happy to see me as I am to see them. I know I feel alone sometimes and that is the reason that I hold people closer. But I can't help to not really feel wanted when I only get half hearted half smiles.

I think I understand why everyone likes college. The years are planned out for you, and you always have a place to escape and runaway to. If your at college, you can go back to your hometown when things get bad. If you are there, you can think about college and how soon you'll be back there. It supposed to teach us how to grow up, but how? By getting us use to moving back and forth in between two places that aren't even that great to us? We pick something we tell ourselves we might like to do; and 4 years of doing things we don't really want to are set up for us. Is it really that great? Personally I think the whole system is really fucked up. But hey, I'm part of it right now until I figure out a better path.
In order to take your own path, or the path "less traveled" you have to start out alone.
I just wrote that for me. Stamp it to my forehead so every time I look in the mirror and try to figure out who I am, I can remember what I need to do to become who I should be. I'm settling for mediocrity. Just like half or America; and down the road, I'll divorce my future and trade it in for a second one that might be better. Or maybe by that time I'd have just forgotten all of this.
I could show you what love is. I could make you feel safe again. I could make you feel whatever it was before any of the shit started in your life. I can give you the most comforting feeling you'll ever know. I write the words that will make all of the pain temporarily disappear. My arms can be that place where you can always run to when you need to know everything will work out just fine. I could show you what love is. I could, if the distance between us was closer.
(you never know who I'm writing about. its my secret that I keep to myself, cause I need something. its my secret. Don't share yours. it's how we die faster)

<3

no service

i lost my phone today. It really sucks. I didn't realized how attached I was to being able to talk to people. And I consider myself kind of a loner. Odd isn't it? I guess we really are the technological generation. I'll get a new one tomorrow. It's being bought with money that I can't afford to spend, but that's college isn't it? I'm not going to have any phone numbers in there though. And that really sucks. It was nice to have certain numbers in there; even though I know I'd probably never call them. I guess now it won't take me as long to realize that some nights I just have no one to talk to.


Fill the air beside me on these cold winter mornings ahead of us. I can comfortably lay my head on my pillow and my heart next to you.
<3

Today could be the start of something amazing and life changing

I don't know yet. I have worries, but time will tell all. So I patiently wait


<3