I have to be up in less than 5 hours to drive a motorcycle

I can't sleep. There's a lot on my mind. I've changed so flipping much in the past year. I feel like I used to mean a lot to a lot of people. I feel like I used to be someone that people looked up to, and admired the great qualities I had, the things I did, and the person I was. But, I feel like I've lost a lot of that.

I now have "baggage". I have secrets, and struggles, and fears that are real to me. I have shame. I don't know how to go back to being a person that was able to connect with a lot of people. I want to be. I want to be surrounded by people that matter and that I feel care about me. I want to be doing good. Real good. Not handing someone a sandwich at Subway and smiling, but something that can actually mean a hell of a lot more. I got so caught up in this movement that has over 1,000,000 followers, and I always felt so connected and like a bigger part of things. But now, that's a struggle, because I don't feel as connected. It's hard. It's hard to find my own way. I want to make people smile everyday, and I want to give out awesome epic hugs, and I want to be there through all the tough crap in your life. I want to care, and I want people to tell me that that's okay. I want to love without hesitation.

I feel the potential in me. I FEEL IT! But most nights I just sit at home, feeling lonely or bored. Some nights I'll have a couple of drinks with friends. What happened to the days when I didn't need drinking or chasing girls or telling stories that just make me sound like an asshole to have fun with people? What happened to the random nights of just hanging out and not doing much but having an awesome time? The nights of having coffee and meeting someone new that was so beautiful. I feel like I'm stuck around a couple of boring people lately, and that only means that I'm boring. I DON'T WANT TO BE! I want to change and attract amazing hearts that are doing amazing things! I want to be connected to so many of these people and just see the beauty they have to offer the world. I want good things. I want positive things. I can't fucking stand your fear. Get rid of it so we can focus on more important things. There are enough lost, unhappy people in this world. Be one that is happy. That wakes up smiling.

Love now.

<3

Fear of Love

It's kind of a messed up thing if you think about it. That we can be scared of the best thing life has to offer. I mean, shouldn't we just always sprint towards with our arms wide open, screaming and yelling for it?

But we don't. We get scared. We hide. We will turn down amazing opportunities, and let the potential of SO MANY good things just pass us bye. Because we're scared. Because somewhere along the line we were hurt, or maybe we were just never loved in the way we deserve to be. And that pain was so hard to deal with. It can take so long to recover. Sometimes longer than a lifetime.

This hurt that we experience from it, this pain, is so hard to place. See, as much as we can want to write off people and say that they were a horrible person, we know that's a lie. Because deep down, we all believe that we all have good intentions. So we can't place all this blame, this anger on them. We'll end up placing some of it on ourselves. And from that, we lose Love for ourselves. We realize that we were the reason we got so hurt, so we start to hate ourselves. "I will never let myself be this hurt again; this vulnerable again."

And it seems like as life goes on, we just become more and more independent. We lose our connection with others, especially those that mean the most. We become more and more alone. We are running such fast paced lives that we don't take the time to stop and try to learn to love ourselves again. So we just keep going on in this downward spiral. We are hoping for "the one" that will come pick us up our feet, show us all the beauty in the world and within ourselves. But in that, we are looking for an unhealthy relationship, and that's why it'll never happen. See, we want someone to come along and just pour their heart out and give us everything, while also being okay with us slowly taking our time to learn to love and trust again. It's bullshit. It won't work.

I'm trying to challenge myself. I'm trying to show people love and not guard my heart. I COULD DIE TOMORROW!!!!! And I don't want to miss out on what today has to offer because I'm a little scared still. I'm learning that as we become older it seems there are less and less people who will just put their hearts out there. We have to go searching for them. I know it's there.
Or there's the crazy idea that if we try to love everyone, we won't have time for all of those we love. Well, let me tell you something, it'll be a GREAT day when I have that problem. Because I haven't yet. But I'd like to. I know that if a lot of people had THAT problem, the world would be such a more beautiful place.

We need to LOVE NOW. We need to stare into the mirror in the morning and say "I love you" to ourselves until we believe it. Let's tackle our fears. Let's risk experience the pain of being hurt. Because it's better than never being know.
People ask a question like, "If you could meet this amazing person, who you would probably fall in love with, but has cancer and only 2 months to leave, would you?"
My answer: Yes. Every time, yes. What a 2 months it would be.....

Hug someone tomorrow.
< 3

I'd like to have faith in humanity

I spend a lot of time doing pretty much nothing. I have played online poker (no real money) so much the past couple of months. I have just sat around and watched T.V. Even when I'm doing these things, I'm bored. But I think that maybe "being bored" is a shallow pathetic answer. I think that I'm lost more so than I'm bored. I'm lost because I know that there are a ton of different directions I can go in, and different things I can do. I feel like maybe I could use a guide. But, I don't need one. I just need to get off my ass and make an initiative. I think myself, along with many others, are poor at time management, and are scared of being able to wake up and not know what we are going to do that day. It's a hard struggle.

People are good and real. Keep them around.

< 3

Man up

I have always looked up to people who felt alone, or were in some sense but still tried to make a difference and share things with others.
I think it's about time I step up and try to be one of the people I look up to. I think that maybe that's my purpose in life right now.

I'm making something awesome. It's a secret. : ).


< 3

It's hard sitting home alone at night

I'm trying to learn to make the best of it, see the good in it, and be happy and okay with that.

Tomorrow

I'm going to say "I love you" to someone
I'm going to look a girl in her eyes and tell her "You're beautiful"
I'm going to smile at everyone I see.
I'm going to say hello to strangers, and wave at people I don't know.
I'm going to say "I love you" to someone else also
And someone else.... and someone else.... and someone else
I'm going to hug like it's my job to take all of the oxygen out of your body
I'm going to do random good deeds, and acts of kindness.
I'm going to pay it forward.

These are my goals and hopes.
Find beauty in life.
I hope you do good things too tomorrow.
Together, we can make this world a better place.
One full of love.
Right now I feel like the power of love is a secret. And if so, I want to tell the world. I want to send planes flying with banners, go on the radio, be on CNN, send people texts, email, and instant messages. I want to say it in every different language that there is. I want to hear "love" be said in every single language at the same time. Because I believe it will be so powerful and beautiful.

< 3

I love you

I pick that title because it's beautiful. That's the only reason. We all could and probably should hear those words more. So there's one more time.
I'm trying to be thankful for what I have right now. To appreciate what is around me, and not miss other things nor want for more. I'm trying to not get hurt. Mr dreams tell me I'm lost, and that I need help, but I'm fighting that. I have a lot of good things going for me right now, and I'm trying to focus on them. Being home this semester is going to be very lonely. I only have a few friends around here. The one good thing is that I'm becoming closer with my family. That is priceless. But I miss hugs from a beautiful girl who is in my life, even just as a friend. And yes, it means a lot more from a girl and no I'm not sexist. It just does.

When I was in 10th grade I fell in love for the first time with an amazing girl. Feeling and experiencing the greatness of being in love with someone. Why wouldn't I want that to be in my life? Why wouldn't I want to be experiencing love right now? Why on earth would there ever be a point in my life when I wouldn't want love? Not having the desire for love means not being alive to me. And I'm choosing to live everyday, so I damn well better be trying to feel alive.

I need love. Love. Love love love love love love. This word never gets old. If it does, you forgot it's meaning. I believe it's stronger than anything. That is can make some who has been addicted to drugs for 30 years become sober. That it can stop wars and massive killings. That it can show people they should walk away from millions, because money really doesn't mean that much. Love can bring hope into someone that has lost it all. Love can make this world such a better place. So do one thing tomorrow. Love.

Love
Love
Love
Love.
Is it making you smile yet?
Because it's making me smile.
Love.

Goodnight
<3