every good thought in my mind tonight was taken from me

would you believe it? it happens sometimes, and it sucks.
but i do know, that I had a really great conversation last night for the first time in months. whoever you are, sometimes you need to just sit and remember that people have it a lot worse than you in life. I know I've forgotten that at times. stars, im going to see a lot of you soon. i hope we form a good relationship. btw, ace enders is amazing. and his music is as awesome as a beach where the sand doesn't stick to you when you get out of the water. i have this picture stuck in my head. the moon has blue square police lights above it. and some shadowy kid (probably just another nobody... probably me) is running down the street. i want to draw it, but i totally suck at drawing. I can color inside the lines and all but my free hand drawing is as good as my freestyle rapping. its just not good. so even thought almost nobody reads these, you should draw that and leave it as a comment or show it 2 me somehow. it just might make my day.

some people just haven't realized yet that they're afraid of being alone.
we all are.

some nights lust can be good
but only for the night
move on in the morning
good back to never being understood
and always feeling a pitch off of right

sleep tight
but hold me tighter
im light
your the lighter
give me oxygen
let me breath
i'll say it again
please don't ever leave
<3

I just wonder,

if i got you to realize your life is worth something, and then you just fuck it all up and we grow apart; was it worth it?


more soon
<3

what good is a hot sumer night

when you have no way to cool down?

saw your face in my dreams
woke up and today wasn't what it seemed
tricks are being played on me again
I'll feel "emo" then
cut my wrists to feel alive
see my potential then take a dive
a dive towards the lies
that together form my life
but this world doesn't know who i am
this world is to ignorant to take a stand
how can a boy become a man
when when he says "i can't" no one says "you can"
this worlds fucked up but i still want to see it
they say love is gone but i dont believe it
i had it
i lost it
"too bad kid"
well then fuck off
tonight i jump out my window and drive away from what they think is my home
friday nights are so boring when your alone

<3

Tomorrow

is mother fucking Warped Tour!!!!


<3

I came back to this house

Call me a fake. Call me a hypocrite. I just ran away from my main problem. I couldn't take it all. It wasn't so much that I was really homesick, It was that I didn't enjoy the actual program. That I didn't make any friends. That I didn't meet anyone into the same type of music im into. It's so odd, you see some many people at shows, and artist sell millions of records. But sometimes it's so hard to just find one other fan besides yourself. I actually liked the city. I don't know if I'd live there one day. It's hard to find a place to escape to. Three years and I'm still searching for a place to call home.
I don't know what's going to happen to me. I realized the odds of actually becoming a musician in a band, and making it. Maybe that won't ever happen, maybe it will. But I will be surrounding myself in something I love. And I wasn't exactly doing that. There were too many different styles and ways about going about things up there. I need to find my own right here. Feel somewhat solid with it, so I'll be able to go off to college. I hope I don't just end up wasting the next 5-6 weeks. I hope I make something out of my time.

Off to bed, and yes I asked the boogieman; he's found his comfortable place under my bed.
Besides, in the city, you can't see the stars
<3

letting it out is making the world's biggest mess

as salty tears drip down my face
i realize this isn't my place
i don't belong here
get me out now
i'm dying here
i dont care how
hold me tonight or i'll die
cause if you dont
my body will float
im done with the fight
suicide tonight

going back and forth

i love weekends with old friends. no matter where you are, it's nice to escape to other places. new and old. i guess we all get a little homesick sometimes. no matter how much home has sucked in the past. it's weird in a way, cause i almost feel like im living 2 lives. getting adapted takes time. so does everything.

next weekend i am getting pushed into a curb from a shopping cart ill b riding in. i'm excited.

<3

Is this really what growing up is all about?

going off to college. leaving everything you've had behind. i dont want school to control my life for 4 years. maybe you can say i got spoiled. but i dont want to get used to this. i almost feel like im just going to be running from all of the problems in my town. all of the fears i've had there. is going away moving forward in life, or just moving backwards because you're really just running away? i dont want to make new friends, i dont want to change. for the most part, i like the way i am and the friends i have. maybe you just need some one to "run away" with. maybe that's why it feels like it's gona be so hard for me and at times its hard now. i think after college ill be able to be someone i want to be. go somewhere ill feel just the slightest bit at home. but im giving myself 4 years to be able to fuck up all of that.

pack my bags and say goodbye
im running away just so i can run back
no one is by my side as i write this track
when i got here no one was waiting to say hi

would you believe that once again, im lonely?
it's the same old story about falling down
my heart is tied to the ground
no more dark streetlights in small towns
i take in all the city's sights and sounds
leaving the life i knew, im college bound
i will get lost, but never found
i will get scared, and live feeling down
for me what's in store? another heartbreak with no pity
hit the floor; im holding up the city
until it lets me leave
easily
peacefully
quitely
but please, right now, just lie to me
say its going to be alright

<3

this one might seem a little different

it feels like i've been up here for a while. so much more than three days. i wonder if when you enter this city, you become placed in a snow globe. so other people can just watch everything thats going on. i feel like i've gotten a lot more personal with my writing on here since i came up here. but as i was half asleep in my room at 3 i found myself realizing what one of my present and future biggest fears is. and i've decided to share it:
i get worried that when i go to college, i won't be in any sort of position where i'll be able to help people. by college there's no one that will appear to need help. by that time, people are pretty much on the right path or on the wrong path. i'm good at looking for people who are stuck in the middle or just alone, and helping them. i think i am anyway. but those people go down the wrong roads and just can't come back. maybe people will disagree with what im saying right now, but this is only one idea and viewpoint out of the millions we all make through out our lives. people will just go to parties and get drunk every night, fuck people they don't even really know. or just go do drugs. or just do completely stupid illegal shit. they say they're doing all of these things because it makes them feel good. but it really is just an easy way for them to forget and run away from their problems. they get used to that life style and it's hard to change. but if you really get to know some one like that, they probably aren't happy with their lives. then again, its hard to find people that are. what really makes me happy, and feel alive and worth something is when i help someone. and yes as of right now theirs only a handful of people i feel i've done that for. but i want there to be more. and im afraid that i wont find people like that in college. and im afraid that over time ill lose touch with my friends back home. so i'll have no one to help. why this really scares me too, is usually the people that you help are also the people that can help you the most. i think these reasons are why i was scared the first couple of days i was here. but i've realized this is only for 5 weeks, and here is more just focus on music. just music. and let everything else slip away. i don't let everything else slip away, but i have been focusing on music more.
now i don't even know if ill post this, but if i end up doing that, let me clear up a few things your probably thinking right now:
im not saying don't ever drink or smoke or have sex or anything. just about everyone experiments. but don't make it a habit to do any of those things. im 18 and i still have never drank or smoked. also, i have done and hope to do a lot more stupid shit. there are always certain times in our lives where for the moment it's nice to just get away from things. there is a difference between taking a break and running away. but i think im done with my rant. it's long enough right now.

this city is so different from my boring town. i kinda like it.
jogged around fenway park yest.
if you dont think that's a cool way to end this post then your probably someone who takes to big of a first bite from a popsicle stick.
or your a yankees fan.... dumb ass
<3

after i write this, the rest of the day i'll prob feel like shit

Devote this to the hopeless

give me medication again
i feel too alone here
no one to call a friend
no one cares to hear my fears
and no one could bear
walking around with a heart like this
your close to writing hits
im close to calling it quits
its why these words will never be herd

living in this house
away from the place that it never felt right to call home
as quite as a mouse
i whisper, once again i'm all alone

i miss the few friends i have in the town
even thought i consider half of those few fake
drop me in the middle of a lake where no one fishes
in the middle of the night
no one will hear me, (no one ever has), i won't make a sound
as once again i sink to the bottom
and drown


they tell us we can all make a difference. we can all find someone, we just have to look. but they're wrong. i've looked and looked. im the lost seaman that will never find his way. they say we can all be friendly, we can walk up and start a conversation. but what if we don't have the strength to do that? i need friends that will be there for me. that won't give up. that will make the first effort to help me when im hurt. and i ask, how can they do all of that if they can't even come up and say hi? so i wait. and i've looked for people that seem like me. those are the only people ill go up to. but so far, i haven't found any of them either. Boston, your a great city. but with all the people here, do you think you could find one that will be my friend? a good friend. cause if not, im sorry, but i think im going to have to pack my bags and go back to the town i've been dying to get out of. how good is life, and some of its best opportunities if you don't have anyone to share them with?

<3

10 days till mother fuckin warped tour comes around

the city is nice, don't get me wrong. i just haven't ment anyone that seems real interesting yet you know? its like that first time you go off from home as a little kid. cause home is where everything you know is. home is were your closest friends are. the people that know you the best. even if it turns out they really dont know you that well at all, they know you more than other people. and its nice to be around people like that. i love that i can explore this city tho. i guess the worst part of this is the times where i dont have a lot of time in between things. cause thats when im basically jus stuck in my room. i want to get to know the city. i can get used to falling asleep like this. to living like this. i just need a few friends. isn't it funny though, how we are all hypocritical sometimes? i have major ADD right now. so lets fallow this:
theres 2 12 packs of bud lights next 2 me
well they're actually root beers
except theres only about 1 nd 1/2
nd then a fridge
i miss tyler kozmo more than anything
i want to steal a duck boat
i wish i could make firends eaiser up here, idk why its so hard
haha i said hard nd that can be sexual
PENIS! - can you yell it louder?
green beans fights turkeys
my money is on the chinese but actually canadian/mexicain ninja that is gona jump in
my roomate is from holland
i think he told me yest but my memory is about as good as obamas campagian in the dirty dirty south
my other roomate is from oregon
that i know
i want to have sex with a random food right now, but i wont
if i just saw a donkey running down the street it would make my day.


and thas about it for now
<3

Would you believe?

that im homesick for the place i couldn't wait to get away from. i've been so excited for this, but right now im regretting it all. will it change? idk. time well tell. can time tell me that its gona be ok though? i dont think so. i dont hear it.
i need to find something that's my silence in the heart of the city at rush hour.
i need a hug.
i need love again.

<3

Boston here i come

im leaving in less than 5 hours. you'd think i'd be sleeping. but im just about done with packing. i'm almost done, except i figured this is more important. i hated saying goodbyes. it got me so down. i have the butterflies. i have the second thoughts and the doubts. im scared. i guess what im trying to say is, im human. but i really can't wait to leave. today, i finally get to leave this town. nd stay away from the longest i ever have. it really kinda makes me smile. i really hope i can meet people nd makes new friends and fallow this dream that's been stuck in my head for the past 2 years now. i am so tired, yet i keep drinking my coffee. today is going to be an amazing day. however, i really prob need some sleep. goodnight people, goodbye somerset.

<3

I stop and think in the middle of it all,

do i deserve to be this happy?


<3

poison, knifes, rope, and guns. there all good weapons, but i only need one

i need to run away and leave before every friend becomes an enemy. give me this new start tomm. i dont want another week in hell. i dont need another week in hell. i can't stand another week in hell. i wonder if everything i see in my closest friends that i dont like is just everything im trying to ignore about myself. im slipping away from thinking again. give me a day alone. give me more time to think about what will probably end up being nothing. i dont think about her, because im afraid to. everynight i see her the sky is dark. the stars are gone. its like a warning.
kevin, just go back to being alone. its the only thing your good at. it's the only way people might hate you just a little bit less. its probably what God has planned for you in the end anyway. just accept it. your so fucking pathetic you should just kill yourself now.
maybe everything i say about her, i mean about me too. maybe im the most hypocritical person i know, and i am just too blind to see it. but i dont want to see it, so why would i?
dont even kiss me.
dont give me a hug.
dont fill my arms for even a moment
your just my drug

<

I don't know what to do

i care so much. the more alone someone looks, the more i want to help them. hug someone that looks like they need it tomm. not a best friend but someone you don't know. So maybe you can have another best friend. its hard to find even one, so look carefully. sometimes people need to realize that you can't always be there for them. that every time they push you away, you won't push back. because we're all human. perfect is only an idea. but it's so hard to walk away. it's so hard to watch someone else do it. it's not i never give up, it's just that i have more patience. believe me there are times i've wanted to. If i walked away from someone every time i wanted to, i wouldn't have friends for more than a week. patience is of virtue. but why should we wait? we don't have all the time in the world. we're all gona die sometime. probably within this century.
my soft spot is for the people that really need it. i want to find them all. i can honestly say that from the bottom of my heart that nothing is better then helping someone when they really need it. then saving a life, or at least feeling like you did. and i think i deserve just a little bit of credit in that column.
I'm a man of few words i guess you could say. i talk a lot, but it's basically all about the same thing. yes, i could always figure this stuff out better. but i think im afraid to start talking about different things because then i'll seem wrong.
i saw a movie today, and i wanted the hero to die. i think movies are great. but i hate just about every ending of a movie i've seen. ya i've cried, i've felt something sometimes. but that's the problem. whatever we feel or think or "learn" from it isn't real. cause it really is just a movie. its fake. the ending isn't gona happen. they just fill our minds and sometimes hearts with false hope. let's make things real again. let's live in a time that we aren't ashamed of. can we really change? you decide. let me know.

<3
p.s. i love how my new mac has spell check. prob. makes these a lot easier to read

p.s. beaches are boring in the summer, there too crowded and the sand always gets stuck in your feet and stays there too long. i'm going to stick with pools and ultimate frisbee. but what else is there that's exciting to do in the summer? post-it notes, traffic cones and all that jazz. but stay tuned and i'll let you know.

I broke her heart. now i guess it's her turn to break mine.

this darkness isn't comforting tonight. the gray skies say it all. there are dark clouds in the sky. there are clouds in my head. there's darkness in my heart. i guess im just getting payback. Karma and all that. let me tell you, it fucking sucks. when this darkness leaves, it might take her with it. i've been lost so much this past year and she was my compass. staring me in the right path. but how can my heart find it's way back to a place that feels like home when it doesn't even know where to find the compass. She was going to be my slow song. my acoustic. the one that people just might call a love song. even though now it's the total opposite of that. how can i expect the world to figure me out when i don't even understand the girl i used to call my best friend? i don't know what the fuck im gona do about it.

for once im not getting worried about breaking another heart. i'll be gone before that can happen.
things never seem to fall apart when you spend a lot of time focusing on yourself and your flaws. It's only when you start to slip away from that.

<3