This is a suicide note I wrote yest. I wanted to die, I was ready to, but (sadly) I didn't. I just couldn't go through with it or maybe I didn't want to. I've done a lot of thinking since. I decided that after this year, or maybe even this semester; I'm going to take a few years off from college. I'm going to get an apartment and completely move out of my house. I'm going to get a full time job and be on my own. But most importantly, I'm going to try to start a band. I want to have a year or two when I can just focus on that. It's the only way it could actually happen, and I could go somewhere with it. But anyway, shut off music. Ask people to leave the room. This is the most truthful thing I've ever written. And to start off, It's sad when you consider checking yourself into a mental hospital just so you can sit in a place that is your "safe house". It's sad when I believed yesterday at one point that the closest I could get to feeling "at home" was a mental hospital.
The world is not good. It's not worth living on. Everyone becomes too caught up on the wrong things. Life isn't about money. The best thing in life is unconditional love. Except that is so hard to find. We are all taught the wrong philosophies of life from an early age. School is a waste of time. Life isn't about learning and memorizing things we read in textbooks. It's about meeting people, exploring the world, and searching for love. Everyone gets caught up in finding a good job, going to the right school. What about love? What about caring about other people. This world is failing, just look at it. Our economy is fucked, we are in war (the lucky ones die), there's a 50% divorce rate, more kids turn to drugs and beer, the crime rate is up. Priorities are all wrong. It's so hard to escape from it all. If you fallow your heart, you either get lucky, or fail. I don't think I'll get lucky.
Everyone has problems growing up. Most kids don't deal with them. We learn to run away at an early age, but all we do is fuck up our lives more. Keeping things inside changes us; it allows us to become someone we aren't. Sometimes it's hard to find someone to talk to, sometimes it's hard to share our problems with others. It's things everyone should learn to do however. We lie to ourselves all the time, just so we can move on. It's not heathy. I'm sick of lying. I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of wanting to have someone in my life that knows me and loves me. I'm not saying it's impossible that it will ever happen. I'm not saying it's impossible that I'd be in a band. But I'm saying I'm done waiting. I don't know what comes after death, but I'm eager to find out. Cause I don't give a fuck what the future is in this life.
I understand things. I feel right about what I write. I'm certain of a few things at least. But some are just completely clueless. I can't tell me parents how I really feel about them, and what I really think, because they couldn't handle it. I truly believe that life will only get worse for me right now, so I'm making a logical decision.
You only fall in luve once in life.
My heart still tells me I did.
p. 43 The Boy With The Thorn In His Side
< 3 (but there's nothing left, my body is just a corpse now)
Kevin Daniel Pelletier
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Kevin, I've been following your blog for some time, and i must say your writing is incredable. you are destined to write lyrics. if you need to take time off from school, then do it, but just remember, anything you do - school or not, will help you towards the road you choose. you WILL write songs, just be patient. no brillient writer got there without roadblocks.
Post a Comment