I fucking love me

I'm thankful I have a book that I can read that I can just fill myself with inspiration and passion from. Because I love the honesty in the words. Because they fucking mean so much to me. It's the little things.
Like holding a door.
Like saying thank you.
Like offering to give a ride home.
Or buy a cup of coffee.

I'm planning on NOT drinking and parting when I go home this weekend. I'm proud of that.
I sent a message tonight, and it made me feel more like a man than I ever have in months.
I hit sent and a huge weight lifted off my chest. I can't fix you, or force you to want to change and be a better person or anything. But I sent a message that I could send to every single person. That tells me that my heart isn't invested in you as much as it is to just caring. Which is going to help me be okay. I can't control a single thing at all about you.
BUT, there are a few things I can control:
I can tell you I care about you.
I can tell you I fucking believe in you.
I can tell you that you matter.
I can "TWLOHA" the fucking shit out of you every single day of my life and mean from my heart every single word I say.
The message can be the same. But the eyes that you look into when it's said... they change.

I feel more like me. Tonight I'm thinking, maybe I don't want to stay down here if I don't get a job. Maybe I don't want to stay down here if I do get a job. I don't want to follow Jamie's dream. I want to follow mine. I'm trying to figure out what that means. Please don't tell me how different I am from others. Especially if it's in a better way. The only person that I should compare myself to is the face that stared back at me in the mirror yesterday.
I've found one person that is broken, and living an honest life. I'm loving this dude. I'm loving reading the things he writes. He doesn't run away from shit. That's what makes him different. I hope that I can be like him in this way.
I'm going to figure out who the fuck it is I want to be, and I'm going to do everything in my power to be that person. And I know it's okay if I don't have that fully figured out.
Tomorrow might suck, or be great, or be similar to today.
I'm fucking ready for it.

What makes me know I'm okay with the shit from Oct-Dec. The fact that I went 2 weeks with having a few drinks every night before I could fall asleep. That one night, I drove through Lowell while drinking. Yes, I've fucked up. I'll admit it. Will you?
What makes me know I'm okay, is that I didn't drink because of anything to do with "you". The "you" could've been anyone. I drank because I knew I was selling myself short (probably like many other people). I have a fucking gift. If there's one thing I'm good at doing in this world, it's walking through shitty parts of people's lives with them and hopefully helping them find the beauty and happiness in it. From there, we learn how to hold onto that happiness, look honesty in the face, and embrace it.

I fucking believe in you. Maybe the move I needed to make wasn't from Lowell to Cocoa. Maybe it was somewhere closer to my hometown.

If you have ever blown off a party to spend the night with a friend who didn't have plans, if you have ever put down your fucking paper due tomorrow to pick up the phone and listen to a friend who needed to talk, if what your gut and heart tells you is more important to you than what society does, if you talk about the awkward/uncomfortable moments in your life instead of trying to pretend they didn't happen, if you have ever played hooky from a day of school or work to do something good that you will remember 20 years from now, then you are my hero. I respect you.

I want to pour my broken heart out to people all over this world. Would you like one of the pieces? What will you do with it?

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