I have to be up in less than 5 hours to drive a motorcycle

I can't sleep. There's a lot on my mind. I've changed so flipping much in the past year. I feel like I used to mean a lot to a lot of people. I feel like I used to be someone that people looked up to, and admired the great qualities I had, the things I did, and the person I was. But, I feel like I've lost a lot of that.

I now have "baggage". I have secrets, and struggles, and fears that are real to me. I have shame. I don't know how to go back to being a person that was able to connect with a lot of people. I want to be. I want to be surrounded by people that matter and that I feel care about me. I want to be doing good. Real good. Not handing someone a sandwich at Subway and smiling, but something that can actually mean a hell of a lot more. I got so caught up in this movement that has over 1,000,000 followers, and I always felt so connected and like a bigger part of things. But now, that's a struggle, because I don't feel as connected. It's hard. It's hard to find my own way. I want to make people smile everyday, and I want to give out awesome epic hugs, and I want to be there through all the tough crap in your life. I want to care, and I want people to tell me that that's okay. I want to love without hesitation.

I feel the potential in me. I FEEL IT! But most nights I just sit at home, feeling lonely or bored. Some nights I'll have a couple of drinks with friends. What happened to the days when I didn't need drinking or chasing girls or telling stories that just make me sound like an asshole to have fun with people? What happened to the random nights of just hanging out and not doing much but having an awesome time? The nights of having coffee and meeting someone new that was so beautiful. I feel like I'm stuck around a couple of boring people lately, and that only means that I'm boring. I DON'T WANT TO BE! I want to change and attract amazing hearts that are doing amazing things! I want to be connected to so many of these people and just see the beauty they have to offer the world. I want good things. I want positive things. I can't fucking stand your fear. Get rid of it so we can focus on more important things. There are enough lost, unhappy people in this world. Be one that is happy. That wakes up smiling.

Love now.

<3

Fear of Love

It's kind of a messed up thing if you think about it. That we can be scared of the best thing life has to offer. I mean, shouldn't we just always sprint towards with our arms wide open, screaming and yelling for it?

But we don't. We get scared. We hide. We will turn down amazing opportunities, and let the potential of SO MANY good things just pass us bye. Because we're scared. Because somewhere along the line we were hurt, or maybe we were just never loved in the way we deserve to be. And that pain was so hard to deal with. It can take so long to recover. Sometimes longer than a lifetime.

This hurt that we experience from it, this pain, is so hard to place. See, as much as we can want to write off people and say that they were a horrible person, we know that's a lie. Because deep down, we all believe that we all have good intentions. So we can't place all this blame, this anger on them. We'll end up placing some of it on ourselves. And from that, we lose Love for ourselves. We realize that we were the reason we got so hurt, so we start to hate ourselves. "I will never let myself be this hurt again; this vulnerable again."

And it seems like as life goes on, we just become more and more independent. We lose our connection with others, especially those that mean the most. We become more and more alone. We are running such fast paced lives that we don't take the time to stop and try to learn to love ourselves again. So we just keep going on in this downward spiral. We are hoping for "the one" that will come pick us up our feet, show us all the beauty in the world and within ourselves. But in that, we are looking for an unhealthy relationship, and that's why it'll never happen. See, we want someone to come along and just pour their heart out and give us everything, while also being okay with us slowly taking our time to learn to love and trust again. It's bullshit. It won't work.

I'm trying to challenge myself. I'm trying to show people love and not guard my heart. I COULD DIE TOMORROW!!!!! And I don't want to miss out on what today has to offer because I'm a little scared still. I'm learning that as we become older it seems there are less and less people who will just put their hearts out there. We have to go searching for them. I know it's there.
Or there's the crazy idea that if we try to love everyone, we won't have time for all of those we love. Well, let me tell you something, it'll be a GREAT day when I have that problem. Because I haven't yet. But I'd like to. I know that if a lot of people had THAT problem, the world would be such a more beautiful place.

We need to LOVE NOW. We need to stare into the mirror in the morning and say "I love you" to ourselves until we believe it. Let's tackle our fears. Let's risk experience the pain of being hurt. Because it's better than never being know.
People ask a question like, "If you could meet this amazing person, who you would probably fall in love with, but has cancer and only 2 months to leave, would you?"
My answer: Yes. Every time, yes. What a 2 months it would be.....

Hug someone tomorrow.
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I'd like to have faith in humanity

I spend a lot of time doing pretty much nothing. I have played online poker (no real money) so much the past couple of months. I have just sat around and watched T.V. Even when I'm doing these things, I'm bored. But I think that maybe "being bored" is a shallow pathetic answer. I think that I'm lost more so than I'm bored. I'm lost because I know that there are a ton of different directions I can go in, and different things I can do. I feel like maybe I could use a guide. But, I don't need one. I just need to get off my ass and make an initiative. I think myself, along with many others, are poor at time management, and are scared of being able to wake up and not know what we are going to do that day. It's a hard struggle.

People are good and real. Keep them around.

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Man up

I have always looked up to people who felt alone, or were in some sense but still tried to make a difference and share things with others.
I think it's about time I step up and try to be one of the people I look up to. I think that maybe that's my purpose in life right now.

I'm making something awesome. It's a secret. : ).


< 3

It's hard sitting home alone at night

I'm trying to learn to make the best of it, see the good in it, and be happy and okay with that.

Tomorrow

I'm going to say "I love you" to someone
I'm going to look a girl in her eyes and tell her "You're beautiful"
I'm going to smile at everyone I see.
I'm going to say hello to strangers, and wave at people I don't know.
I'm going to say "I love you" to someone else also
And someone else.... and someone else.... and someone else
I'm going to hug like it's my job to take all of the oxygen out of your body
I'm going to do random good deeds, and acts of kindness.
I'm going to pay it forward.

These are my goals and hopes.
Find beauty in life.
I hope you do good things too tomorrow.
Together, we can make this world a better place.
One full of love.
Right now I feel like the power of love is a secret. And if so, I want to tell the world. I want to send planes flying with banners, go on the radio, be on CNN, send people texts, email, and instant messages. I want to say it in every different language that there is. I want to hear "love" be said in every single language at the same time. Because I believe it will be so powerful and beautiful.

< 3

I love you

I pick that title because it's beautiful. That's the only reason. We all could and probably should hear those words more. So there's one more time.
I'm trying to be thankful for what I have right now. To appreciate what is around me, and not miss other things nor want for more. I'm trying to not get hurt. Mr dreams tell me I'm lost, and that I need help, but I'm fighting that. I have a lot of good things going for me right now, and I'm trying to focus on them. Being home this semester is going to be very lonely. I only have a few friends around here. The one good thing is that I'm becoming closer with my family. That is priceless. But I miss hugs from a beautiful girl who is in my life, even just as a friend. And yes, it means a lot more from a girl and no I'm not sexist. It just does.

When I was in 10th grade I fell in love for the first time with an amazing girl. Feeling and experiencing the greatness of being in love with someone. Why wouldn't I want that to be in my life? Why wouldn't I want to be experiencing love right now? Why on earth would there ever be a point in my life when I wouldn't want love? Not having the desire for love means not being alive to me. And I'm choosing to live everyday, so I damn well better be trying to feel alive.

I need love. Love. Love love love love love love. This word never gets old. If it does, you forgot it's meaning. I believe it's stronger than anything. That is can make some who has been addicted to drugs for 30 years become sober. That it can stop wars and massive killings. That it can show people they should walk away from millions, because money really doesn't mean that much. Love can bring hope into someone that has lost it all. Love can make this world such a better place. So do one thing tomorrow. Love.

Love
Love
Love
Love.
Is it making you smile yet?
Because it's making me smile.
Love.

Goodnight
<3

Am I finding myself, or just keeping busy?

I know it's good for me to be taking this time, and living at home, instead of jumping back into things with school, a UChapter, all my friends up there, and everything else. Changes happen too fast in life. I'm learning to take my time to adjusting to being back up here. It's not easy, but I'm learning. I'm trying to make sure I stay productive. Surprisingly, so far, I've been okay with the nights I spend at home. I've been able to stay busy, not have anxiety, and not reach out to people out of desperation. I'm trying to learn to be okay with me, and with time by myself. People do also reach out to me, and I will reach out to others, and it is wonderful to spend time together.

But I feel a little lonely as I sit here tonight in my house. I'm not alone, as my parents are here... and my dog and bunny. But I feel a little alone. I feel the urge to be having a great conversation over coffee with someone, to be hugging someone and smiling, to be trying to fill this broken world with a little more love. I miss love, community, and friendships. And I'm wondering if that makes me weak, or if it's okay. I'm wondering if it's normal and acceptable (and I mean that in the sense that it is healthy and doesn't negatively affect my hopes for greater good for myself and the world) to feel a little lonely like this.

I feel lost. I'm considering moving in to my own place in January. I'm wondering if I want to do that because I've gotten scared of getting close to people and getting hurt, or if I just want to spend time trying to continue to stay healthy and improve me. I know I'm not the unhealthy things I did this summer; I know I'm more than those. But beyond that, I wonder if it's okay for me to want to be around people so much, to want to be so full of passion, surrounded by love, good conversations, hugs, and things that feel real. I know good can come out of all of this, and I know I'm special in the way that I can combine all those things and make a difference. But I wonder if I'm going to be okay doing it all. Isn't it messed up that in a way I ask if I'm going to be okay being me? Because being me means loving so much that it hurts like a mother fucker sometimes, it means pouring my passion out so much that at the end of the day I'm kind of exhausted sometimes and could use some comfort/reassurance, it means asking questions so strongly that sometimes I'm not okay when the answers don't come; sometimes I'm lost.

"We are broken people, helping broken people." Does this mean this is how it'll be for me? This is the best I can be on my own? Or does it mean that there's some deeper things I need to explore, that I can get some help and be in a better and healthier place than this? I'm not saying I'm in an unhealthy place right now, I'm just saying I'm wondering if I should learn to accept this and be more okay with it. Because I don't want to spend so much time trying to find something more and something better that I forget to appreciate what I have right now. But I also don't want to miss opportunities to improve.

Writing these things feel good. It's nice to be able to not be expected to have answers. Because then you get to ask more questions and put your own doubts, fears, and struggles out there. These are mine. Walk through life with me. Above everything else, it's beautiful.

< 3

Remember to feel real

I couldn't have asked for anything more in tonight. So great to be around old friends, and meet new ones. So great to feel like I have a purpose and I'm a part of something. It's going to be tough to stay away from Lowell. There are a lot of awesome people up there.

Time really does help heal everything, and that's something I must remember. This summer has taught me to be more independent, something that is good for me. I'm still me, but I'm learning to be a healthier me. You can always breathe. No one can take that away from you. Remember that. Happiness. Love. These are beautiful words. Tomorrow will be full of good things. It's impossible to get the amount of hugs I did today and not go to sleep with a smile on your face.

More writing will be coming soon.

< 3

I'm 21 years old and I spend most days trying to figure out what being a man means..."

Tomorrow can't come soon enough.

< 3

Home

So first off, I did something very few people my age would ever do. I drove in a car with my Dad for 2 days straight. It was a good time. We got to talk a bit, and enjoyed each others company. I'm very thankful for my parents. Both of them.
So I'm now home. I realized tonight, my first night here, that how this fall goes will be completely up to me. The decisions I make, and how I handle them. I have to constantly remind myself that other options are always open, that nights alone are okay because I can enjoy time by myself, or with my parents. And, I mean, I have an awesome dog that can also keep me company now. I'm not going to let things bring me down. I'm a healthier me. I'm a me that realizes my options and opportunities are endless.
I have a surfboard in my room right now. I think it's a good reminder of positive things.

Find good in tonight.
<3

"You were sentenced to life from the day that you were born. You’ll be guilty long past the day you die."

Most people don't get a chance for a fresh start. In the past 9 months, I have twice. Once when I moved down here in Jan, and I'm getting a second one when I move back up to MA in less than 2 days. I really didn't think I was going to miss it down here. See, I struggled a lot with myself in these 8 months. I have hurt people more so than I ever have in my life, I have done things I never thought I would do, and I have struggled with big questions like "who am I?", "how do I survive down here?", "how do I find community?", "How do I gain a sense of feeling appreciated, and needed?" I think one of the biggest things I learned was how amazingly forgiving and accepting people are. More so down here, but also a couple of people from back home. I'm not quite sure why, but I just feel like I'm never judged with a lot of people down here. This helped me not feel like shit sometimes, but it also made me lose my desire to become a better person. It's a tough trade off.

I struggled a lot down here. I want to say I "grew up", but I don't like those words. Society has a different definition of growing up than me. I felt like some people down here pushed me to grow up in the way they wanted. It's not healthy to be around people that don't like you for you, especially when you're struggling with figuring out who you are. I'm bitter about some things down here. I am, and that's something I have to deal with. But there are many things and people I'm going to miss.

I'm going to miss surfing. I'm going to miss paddling out with some amazing friends, having fun, and slowly becoming a decent surfer. I can proudly say I surfed a hurricane swell, and have rode 6ft waves. I'm going to miss volunteering at Give Kids the World. Meeting new people, volunteering, driving a golf cart around and just laughing. I'm going to miss Disney. All of the parks, and all of the rides. I went on Rockin Roller Coaster more this summer than the number of roller coasters the average person goes on in their life. I got to spend a few days there with friends and family, and many alone. I'm going to miss Cocoa. Osario's cake batter ice cream. I'm going to miss Open Mic nights at Brick and Mortar, and everyone over there. I'm going to miss my friends across the street too. I'm going to miss working at the Pier, and all of the friends I've made there. I'm going to miss going out and having a good time with friends. I'm going to miss Papa Vitos, The Sandbar, and Tijuana Flats. I'm going to miss living 2 blocks away from the beach. Being able to go there whenever I want. I'm going to miss 83 degree water. And as much as it fucked with me so much sometimes, and brought me down in a lot of ways, I'm going to miss living on my own.

I'm leaving and I have my second second start. I'm going to try to be a much nicer person in MA. As weird as it may sound, before coming down here I don't feel like I had any big secrets, but I can say I now do. I think this will make me a more humble person, something I need. The past couple of weeks I've been feeling more real, and I'm passionate about love. I'm going to try to be the best person I can be. This is starting today, because I should always be doing it. That means I'm going to try to never do something that intentionally hurts someone else. I caused enough tears, pain, and hate for a lifetime. I'm done with that. I want to be given the strength to love and not ask for anything back. I want to wear my heart on my sleeve. I want to be able to look in the mirror and say "I love the person I am" again. I want to be the best person I can be. Right now I feel like I'm ready to burst. I've wanted to cry all day. I'm not sure if it's because I'm going to miss things around here, or because I have a huge sense of guilt. I feel like the most beautiful thing that someone can hear is "I know your secrets, and your falts, and I still love you. And I'm right here, and I'll continue to be." I was told that this summer. It brought me to tears. I want to tell it to 7 billion people. Because after that, maybe I'll deserve to hear it again. Here's to the Space Coast, everything it's taught me, and all the good memories I have here.

< 3

Feeling old but new. Feeling lost, hurt, and blue.

This is a familiar feeling. This is Kevin Pelletier. This is who I am, and how I feel. It makes sense to me now.

See, I got lost the past few months. I was being taught and pressured to grow up according to the standards of society and those around me. I wasn't ready. I didn't want to. It shook, rocked, and sometimes it felt like an 8.0 earthquake hit my world. I had a very difficult time taking in everything that happened. I stepped out of myself. I did some messed up things I never ever would've expected myself to do. I was totally lost. I needed something familiar, and I was blessed enough to get it. I used her, hurt her, and hurt myself. But I found myself in it all. I found familiar things. I found things similar to the way they were before I came down here. My strongest desire right now is to know that someone I love isn't hurting anymore. To just get to a point where I can hug and hold her again. Because damn it, this makes sense to me, and it always will. Love really does conquer all.
This is where my passion comes from. The desire to just love so much. I'm one of the most hopeful mother fuckers you know. Because if I want to try to make one person happy, and I can't do that, I'll put all of my energy into trying to make every person I know happier, and just hope that it gets spread to the one person I can't reach. And then I want it to spread to everyone else. The people I haven't ever met, the people I will never meet, and the people that need it. I want to spread love like it's the biggest, and most powerful virus the world has ever seen. And there's no cure.

The ultimate strength, though, comes when I'm able to be reconnected with that one person I long for. Because then my love does nothing but intensify more, and from a much healthier place. For the past 6 months, maybe longer, I've been searching for at least a partial answer for the question "Who are you?"

My name is Kevin Pelletier. I have tested love, and I still believe it's the strongest and best thing in this world. I would die for it. I believe that Love is the answer to a lot of questions, more than we think. I believe that doing good in the world, is the best thing we can do. And I mean that in the sense of doing things that allow people to truly become happy, and then they also desire to spread this happiness, and love that has become a beautiful, peaceful fire inside them.

Love now.
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