Am I finding myself, or just keeping busy?

I know it's good for me to be taking this time, and living at home, instead of jumping back into things with school, a UChapter, all my friends up there, and everything else. Changes happen too fast in life. I'm learning to take my time to adjusting to being back up here. It's not easy, but I'm learning. I'm trying to make sure I stay productive. Surprisingly, so far, I've been okay with the nights I spend at home. I've been able to stay busy, not have anxiety, and not reach out to people out of desperation. I'm trying to learn to be okay with me, and with time by myself. People do also reach out to me, and I will reach out to others, and it is wonderful to spend time together.

But I feel a little lonely as I sit here tonight in my house. I'm not alone, as my parents are here... and my dog and bunny. But I feel a little alone. I feel the urge to be having a great conversation over coffee with someone, to be hugging someone and smiling, to be trying to fill this broken world with a little more love. I miss love, community, and friendships. And I'm wondering if that makes me weak, or if it's okay. I'm wondering if it's normal and acceptable (and I mean that in the sense that it is healthy and doesn't negatively affect my hopes for greater good for myself and the world) to feel a little lonely like this.

I feel lost. I'm considering moving in to my own place in January. I'm wondering if I want to do that because I've gotten scared of getting close to people and getting hurt, or if I just want to spend time trying to continue to stay healthy and improve me. I know I'm not the unhealthy things I did this summer; I know I'm more than those. But beyond that, I wonder if it's okay for me to want to be around people so much, to want to be so full of passion, surrounded by love, good conversations, hugs, and things that feel real. I know good can come out of all of this, and I know I'm special in the way that I can combine all those things and make a difference. But I wonder if I'm going to be okay doing it all. Isn't it messed up that in a way I ask if I'm going to be okay being me? Because being me means loving so much that it hurts like a mother fucker sometimes, it means pouring my passion out so much that at the end of the day I'm kind of exhausted sometimes and could use some comfort/reassurance, it means asking questions so strongly that sometimes I'm not okay when the answers don't come; sometimes I'm lost.

"We are broken people, helping broken people." Does this mean this is how it'll be for me? This is the best I can be on my own? Or does it mean that there's some deeper things I need to explore, that I can get some help and be in a better and healthier place than this? I'm not saying I'm in an unhealthy place right now, I'm just saying I'm wondering if I should learn to accept this and be more okay with it. Because I don't want to spend so much time trying to find something more and something better that I forget to appreciate what I have right now. But I also don't want to miss opportunities to improve.

Writing these things feel good. It's nice to be able to not be expected to have answers. Because then you get to ask more questions and put your own doubts, fears, and struggles out there. These are mine. Walk through life with me. Above everything else, it's beautiful.

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