"You were sentenced to life from the day that you were born. You’ll be guilty long past the day you die."

Most people don't get a chance for a fresh start. In the past 9 months, I have twice. Once when I moved down here in Jan, and I'm getting a second one when I move back up to MA in less than 2 days. I really didn't think I was going to miss it down here. See, I struggled a lot with myself in these 8 months. I have hurt people more so than I ever have in my life, I have done things I never thought I would do, and I have struggled with big questions like "who am I?", "how do I survive down here?", "how do I find community?", "How do I gain a sense of feeling appreciated, and needed?" I think one of the biggest things I learned was how amazingly forgiving and accepting people are. More so down here, but also a couple of people from back home. I'm not quite sure why, but I just feel like I'm never judged with a lot of people down here. This helped me not feel like shit sometimes, but it also made me lose my desire to become a better person. It's a tough trade off.

I struggled a lot down here. I want to say I "grew up", but I don't like those words. Society has a different definition of growing up than me. I felt like some people down here pushed me to grow up in the way they wanted. It's not healthy to be around people that don't like you for you, especially when you're struggling with figuring out who you are. I'm bitter about some things down here. I am, and that's something I have to deal with. But there are many things and people I'm going to miss.

I'm going to miss surfing. I'm going to miss paddling out with some amazing friends, having fun, and slowly becoming a decent surfer. I can proudly say I surfed a hurricane swell, and have rode 6ft waves. I'm going to miss volunteering at Give Kids the World. Meeting new people, volunteering, driving a golf cart around and just laughing. I'm going to miss Disney. All of the parks, and all of the rides. I went on Rockin Roller Coaster more this summer than the number of roller coasters the average person goes on in their life. I got to spend a few days there with friends and family, and many alone. I'm going to miss Cocoa. Osario's cake batter ice cream. I'm going to miss Open Mic nights at Brick and Mortar, and everyone over there. I'm going to miss my friends across the street too. I'm going to miss working at the Pier, and all of the friends I've made there. I'm going to miss going out and having a good time with friends. I'm going to miss Papa Vitos, The Sandbar, and Tijuana Flats. I'm going to miss living 2 blocks away from the beach. Being able to go there whenever I want. I'm going to miss 83 degree water. And as much as it fucked with me so much sometimes, and brought me down in a lot of ways, I'm going to miss living on my own.

I'm leaving and I have my second second start. I'm going to try to be a much nicer person in MA. As weird as it may sound, before coming down here I don't feel like I had any big secrets, but I can say I now do. I think this will make me a more humble person, something I need. The past couple of weeks I've been feeling more real, and I'm passionate about love. I'm going to try to be the best person I can be. This is starting today, because I should always be doing it. That means I'm going to try to never do something that intentionally hurts someone else. I caused enough tears, pain, and hate for a lifetime. I'm done with that. I want to be given the strength to love and not ask for anything back. I want to wear my heart on my sleeve. I want to be able to look in the mirror and say "I love the person I am" again. I want to be the best person I can be. Right now I feel like I'm ready to burst. I've wanted to cry all day. I'm not sure if it's because I'm going to miss things around here, or because I have a huge sense of guilt. I feel like the most beautiful thing that someone can hear is "I know your secrets, and your falts, and I still love you. And I'm right here, and I'll continue to be." I was told that this summer. It brought me to tears. I want to tell it to 7 billion people. Because after that, maybe I'll deserve to hear it again. Here's to the Space Coast, everything it's taught me, and all the good memories I have here.

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