It's the week of the year that sucks. Stress if coming form everywhere and I'm feeling it. It's almost 5am, and I've just woken up. Can't go back to sleep. I have 3 papers due by Thurs the 20th (I'm only half way through the first one). I have a new job that worries me and also stresses me out. I have debt close to $3,000 (and let's not talk about the college loans...) I have to apply to grad schools, and hope that I can get in with a 3.0 GPA, because that's the best I have. Somewhere in between all of this I'm supposed to find time to work on me, and be a better person myself. To be a better boyfriend, a better friend, and a better son. I'm learning the more things pile on, and deadlines are posted, the easier it is to lose yourself in all of it. I'm stuck not having time to answer the questions "Who am I? How have I been doing lately? What can I do better? When will I get some me time?" It seems the only time left for me to think about these things is 5am, robbing me of sleep because my brain is wide awake. But I need my sleep. Because tomorrow I have to finish a paper, go to work, prove I'm ready to serve on my own, and then remember everything else on the list of stuff I have to do. I don't like who I am this week. Hopefully a week from now that answer can change. Hopefully....

Nature vs. technology

It's funny how I'm trying to use the internet right now to not feel alone. It doesn't work to well. I'd be better off just calling someone, or going for a walk outside. Even if it is Lowell, i guess. I want to be alone tonight because I want to know I can be. I have grief inside me. I have stress and questions and confusion and desires and dreams and everything I list just seems to bring more questions. I have questions.... questions.... questions. Sunday I want to go on a hike and I hope I get to. I want to have a day doing something I choose to do, and to feel free and accomplished. I don't need a grade or a "like" to feel accomplished. Those things are superficial. I need the sense of pride that comes within me, and also those that come from honest kind words, smiles, and hugs. I need to just be me. A couple of nights ago I read the beginning of one of Leo Buscaglia's books. It had been way to long. I simply read the intro and was able to feel more alive and happy than I have in a month. I got some of my spark back thanks to reading that. The knowledge, and equally as important the belief in the knowledge that happiness spreads. It's contagious. I want to share it with everyone and just do good things! Sometimes, like right now, at the end of the day we are left here feeling like we let today down. We could've done a little better, or allowed it to be a little more meaningful. I don't think it's good to dwell, so I'm not going to. I think the best we can do is to try to do a little better tomorrow. I miss honest, sometimes difficult, conversations over coffee. Who ever is reading this, let's have one soon. Make both of our days more meaningful and cheerful. I don't write on here often because I'm trying to use people and nature instead of technology. I know it's the better way. < 3

Grief

I'm learning lately that there's a big difference between most of my friends and myself. When something tragic happens: My friends- I'm here to talk if you need me Me- When can we grab coffee? That is a big difference. I never realized how much it can mean until now unfortunately being on the other side of the tragedy. I want to be as caring as I can. Always. I'm going to try to really work on that. <3

Someone viewed this page yesterday. I'll guess it's the same person that took her last breath yesterday

I never thought she'd make me feel like this again. Helpless. Lost. Confused. Hurt. Sad. Scared. Angry. Angry at myself, at her, and at everyone and everything. Just a desire to feel. I guess all the emotions get so mixed up that I'm just left with a feeling of numbness. Yesterday, my ex girlfriend died by suicide. I'm not sure I know how to feel, act, or react. I'm used to being on the opposite side of this conversation. I don't think it's fully hit me yet though. That's for sure. Because I'm functioning. And I don't think I should be. People leave our lives, and it hurts for a little while. But it hurts a little less everyday. And eventually, we stop feeling the pain. It hurts less because as much as maybe we aren't in their lives, we know that they have their own. That they are living their own life, and it's probably going okay, if not better. Her life wasn't going okay. In fact, it was so (insert negative word that maybe she would've used, because I don't know why and it's not my place to guess) that she decided to quit it. To give up on life, completely. To leave behind those that cared about her. I still cared about her. I still loved her. And I say that in a past tense only because I don't know what exactly "her" is anymore. I don't know if you can care and/or love the idea of someone. I don't know what happens after death. She was someone special to me. She taught me a lot about life, the hardships of it, and a lot about growing up. She use to tell me how fucked up her world was; how difficult her life was. I always was still able to find beauty in it. She taught me how to have fun in a place I didn't feel connected. In florida, we went to the beach every night. To hear the waves and look at the stars, and to go in the water. She allowed me to experience the joy of having a beautiful baby sit in my lap while I read to her. A baby that now has no mother, and a dead beat prick ass dad that'll never be in her life. This woman could've done wonderful things. She did, but she could've done more. I don't know why she decided to end her life, and I'd like to try to get a little better of an idea why she did; but I do know that she was one of the strongest woman I've ever known. She has taught me things that I will keep with me forever. Dear ____, I'm sorry life got to this point. I'm sorry giving up seemed like an acceptable choice. I know we weren't great at always showing it, but there are a lot of people that care about you. I'm sorry we haven't talked in months. I was scared. For you and me, and the future. I was selfish and wanted to make sure I continued to "move forward" with my life. I didn't reach out. I've stopped sending random texts to not just you, but everyone. Little things like, "Good morning, have a wonderful day." These texts will start again. I know you believed in spiritual things, and some Buddhist ideas. I hope that you have been re-created and have come back to this earth. I hope that you are your favorite flower. I hope people take the time to notice your beauty, and appreciate you as much as you deserve. I hope they appreciate you more. Thank you for allowing me to walk through part of your life with you. Thank you for sharing the good times, and teaching me in the bad. Fuck. I miss you. I want to hug you. Or even just know that you're breathing, and doing okay. I don't even have to see you. I just want you to be happy. May our paths cross down the road, in future lives, or where ever it is we end up. With Hope, Kevin I would always rather have a friend call me at 2am, even if I haven't spoken to them in years, then to find out the next day that they took their own life. I don't say that for myself, it doesn't matter who the hell says this, but everyone should hear it. You are loved. You are important. People that don't know you want to hug you and walk through the hard times with you. There's someone out there you haven't met yet that you'll want to kiss. There's dreams you haven't even formed yet that you'll accomplish. There's places you'll see that will take your breath away. There's moments that will make you cry tears of joy. There's days you'll spend almost all of smiling and laughing. There's moments you'll share with others that'll become memories. There's the entire world, and the entire rest of your life waiting. Please don't ever give up. Please keep breathing. Please pick up the phone. Please go knock on a door. Please tell someone you're not okay in the present moment. It's okay to do all these things. It's encouraged. It's the better choice than giving up. "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." <3 This is one of those rare moments that we can actually say goodbye.... Goodbye Beth

I'm now 22 years old, and I still spend most days trying to figure out what being a man means

I keep growing up. I keep changing. I've felt like over the past couple of years I have become a little less energetic, hopeful, caring, compassionate, etc. This has bothered me a lot for awhile, but I'm learning to be okay with it. I believe that the amount of these feelings and actions are all like energy in that they can't be created nor destroyed. They can only change form, or in this case, people. Maybe there is the same amount of hope on the earth at all times. The only thing that changes is what people posses it at different moments. This idea makes me smile, and also allows me to sleep a little better at night. We Don't Need to Whisper by AVA is playing right now. It's making me feel alive. It hits my heart, and I feel something. I feel like these notes and words are reminding me that it's always ok to think and to feel. My mind feels a little at ease. I feel passion in my heart right now. I want to be a better person everyday. I have for years, and this is still true. And maybe I don't act on this as much as I used to... but I still try. That is what matters. I'm doing things to try to build and help community around me. I'm having dinners at my apartment over the summer. I am so lucky to have a job that allows me to simply help others and be there for them. This job can be difficult, because everyday it reminds me that I can't change people, I can only encourage them and let them know I care and I'm there for them. There are still times in which I want to hug someone so hard that I squeeze the pain out of them. Every time I don't take the motorcycle home, my mind races in the truck. I think about that time I left an apartment in Fall River, and didn't even make it off 79 to 24 before I had to pull over and cry uncontrollably with sobs asking "WHY?" in between breaths. 30 Seconds to Mars was playing in the background. But every time I think about this, it becomes a little easier. What's great to is I know that if it ever starts to get worse, I can go talk to someone. I have learned that I can't change the world, though I won't ever tell anyone they can't. People should be allowed to dream for as long as they can. If someone believes they can, I'm not going to challenge them, I'll simply smile and say good luck. I don't feel I can change the world, but I know I can impact and stay with people. From the moment we are born, we start becoming a little less of ourselves and a little more of everyone else. It's beautiful. I'm thankful for so many things, and I hope you are too. I don't care if I'm at work tomorrow all day, and I don't care if it might be inappropriate, I want to hug everyone I see. I want to just say, "It's my birthday, can I have a hug?" Maybe I'll do it on some day that's not my birthday if I don't tomorrow. That would be fun. I love my family, my friends, my job, at least some of the schooling I'm doing, and that I'm alive instead of dead. I know I could die at any moment. I'm not going to say I hope I live another 22 years. I'm going to say I hope the world becomes a better place. I believe right now, in this moment, that everything in this world is the way it is because of a reason. And I'm at peace with that. It is comfortable. I hope you get a hug tomorrow. I write in this blog less because I have more true and real conversations with people instead of putting stuff in here. I hope that you start to do that too. Today is a holiday for you just as much as it is for me. Because everyday is a holiday. With Hope, Kevin

A promise to myself

Never will I come home from my job, which includes helping those who are in recovery from drugs/alcohol, and have a drink to relieve my stress. I'm not sure if this is more for them, for me, or for everybody. Life is busy. This is okay, as long as you are still smiling and caring. <3

Life=awesome

I hope you can relate. In a week, school will be done, papers will be getting finished up, and summer will feel just around the bend. < 3

Breathe in, Breathe out

I feel like I should be happier. I have everything. I have a great job, an awesome girlfriend, classes are going fine, I've gone surfing this past week. I think I miss feeling as relaxed, alive, and connected with things as I did in Florida. I think surfing has shown me how unconnected I am. I saw a friend yesterday I hadn't seen in a month or two. "I thought you'd be out of here and back in Florida by now." I feel like maybe I should be. I told myself I'd only have a year of school to finish when I came back, but I was wrong. It's longer. And I'm stuck here, in this city. There are good things to this, like going to open mics downtown, and being around college friends. But it's difficult to be in touch with nature. It's difficult to feel relaxed. I feel like I forgot what relaxed is. Relaxed isn't sitting in front of the T.V. playing xbox. It's sitting on the beach, or sitting on my surf board watching the beauty of the ocean as it surrounds me. I know part of the reason I'm feeling like this is because I've had a weird sleep schedule this week. This is something I need to work on. But I guess I feel like there are other things I could improve on/ would like to see changed: I wish I had a surfing buddy. Someone that I could share this passion with. Go out with, talk about it. Someone that will get it because they experience it with me, ya know? I feel like I'm just going through the motions in regard to classes and school. What's odd about that is I feel like I don't have as much of an urge as I usually do to just up go on an adventure. I think this has to do with a girl, and change takes time. I need to clean my apartment. Like hardcore clean it and organize my room. I will probably feel better after this is done. I said last week that I think I want to go back to counseling. Mainly because of this new job, and so I can have someone to talk to about stuff with the job. But I think there are other reasons and things that made me say this, and I'm not really sure what they are. I think I need sleep. Especially seeing I'm working 16 hours tomorrow. Good night world. <3

Real Life

It's difficult to come home and feel like all of your friends are out drinking when you just left working at a place in which alcohol has hurt the lives of so many.

I'm so nervous for next Friday. I want to be so fucking good at this job. I want to have a huge impact. I want patients to remember me, because that's how I'll know I'm doing a good job.

<3

I forgive you

These are words that I think I need to say to myself. As I lay here tonight, in the bed I grew up in, I realize some heaviness in my heart. I've improved a lot with learning to be okay with spending a night alone. But it's still a little difficult. Today I wrote things and felt really good about them, actually inspired by them. I wrote words that had passion in them. I think this is what is a little difficult about coming home for me, I don't have a lot of distractions here. It allows me to reflect.

It's been months since I've lived in Florida, yet I still don't know how to describe my time there. I'm focusing this more so on my summer, after the internship. The summer which I lived alone. I had never lived alone before that. It was new and scary as fuck. It was a huge challenge, and in some cases, when push came to shove, I failed. I fucked up. I've been very mad at myself and still have some guilt inside me. So here are words I've never said to myself I need to. I forgive you. I forgive you for being a shitty friend, for not being responsible with your money, for the strip clubs, for letting lust and desire lead you to doing things that should never be done. For spending a few too many nights just getting drunk, for breaking hearts, for not reaching out and asking for help sooner when you needed it, for calling the cops, for pushing away someone who was trying to help, and more than anything, for having a hard time forgiving her. Because hey, if you're reading this, I forgive you too. And that doesn't at all mean it's all your fault. But damn it, you're still on my mind, and I think about you, and I hope that you're doing okay. I love you. I don't ever want to be with you again, but I do love you. Something tells me that last sentence shouldn't feel okay, but it does.

I was young and dumb. I was learning and living. I still am young and dumb; learning and living. Life happens. It's okay. It's okay to let out the negative feelings I have about myself. It's okay to cry and not even really know why. I love myself. I do love myself. That's what matters most. Tomorrow, I can now walk through the day with less guilt than I had today.

Here's a water toast to everyone not getting wasted tonight. Cheers.
<3

The strongest inspiration comes from other people

"Slow down Quinten. You can see it all if your finger whispers on one word. Slow down. For in a world of fast faces, I'm looking for God everywhere. Trying to figure out this little thing he made called a man."

I'm trying to slow down and speed up both at the same time. I can be very spontaneous, random, and adventurous. However, for the amount of time alone I spend, I wonder if I do enough self-reflecting.

There's a million good things. Time's a million. Squared.

Sometimes it's nice to just let good thoughts flow through your mind, and just lay back and smile. Sometimes we don't need to write nor share them, and that's okay.

If I didn't have the amazing friends I do, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I'm thankful for it all. I'm happy and I'm tired. I'm going to go let my thoughts flow through my mind as I fall to sleep.


Laughing is the best medicine.

<3

I want to be good

Duh, we all do. Right? But I think we forget sometimes. I think sometimes things become confusing, dark, grey, and we just seem to not care. It's important during those times to have basic rules, ideas, principals, and beliefs which you can fall back on. I think that's on of the reasons I have this blog and write in it.
I'm reading "What makes a Life significant" by William James right now for my philosophy class. I'm feeling alive today. I saw the newest brief Kony 2012 video, and I feel like I'm a part of something and reminded that there are shitty things out there, but there are also good things I can do about it. What James is talking about so far in this paper, is how we need bad things, and our lives are simply the process of trying to make bad things good. Always. When we aren't doing this, we are bored. Improvement is what makes us feel alive. It's funny how I read this and I feel like there are many of his ideas that I have shared with him before even reading this. This is a famous American Philosopher, the founder of Modern Psychology. I feel like I can be someone and do things. That's simple and broad, but there's a reason for that.
I feel alive today. I'm being productive, I'm doing things so I can feel accomplished, and I'm trying to surround myself with good and beautiful things. Because when I do this, it allows me to acknowledge the less beautiful things in life and try to make them a little more beautiful. I simply want to be a good person. I think it's good to look in the mirror sometimes and say that to myself.


Now, back to homework.

<3

I just learned another reason why I want to go to Africa

So I'm sitting here reading Loving Each Other by Leo, and I'm learning a lot. He is talking about happiness, and how the happiest people are those who would still be happy if you took everything away from them, because they are just happy about life. And that's something I want to experience. If I know that my happiness is inside me, and can come from nothing else but myself, then that has a HUGE impact on my life. That can allow me to be more sure of my own stability, and thus allow me to take more healthy risks, to be more confident in myself, and to share my happiness with others even more.

This is another reason why I want to go to Africa. I want to see if I can be happy with nothing. If I can not have many of the material things that I am use to, yet still be content with life. I think this is a good thing. I also don't think that I need to go to Africa to do it. I just need a good amount of time away from average American society and the technology in my life. A week or two.

On a semi opposite, and possibly contradictory note, I'm changing. NO SHIT! WE ALL ARE ALWAYS CHANGING! But I'm understanding a way how, and that's always exciting! I'm becoming more interested in American society, and in focus the good things about it. I think this is coming from American Philosophy, and I think that I need to remember, explore, and learn about all the great things that this country has, and is made up of. There is a history here, and there are good things. I want to learn more about them all. I want to know of the good things happening. I wanted to have enough knowledge that will allow me to say and mean the statement "I am proud to be American."

Random thoughts. If you're reading this, I hope you can take something from this. Commercials tell us we aren't happy without products numerous times everyday. Fact: we can only hear something so much until we start to believe it.
Here's the counterpart to that: You don't need any sort of materialistic possession to be happy. You don't have to look like someone on TV to be considered attractive. You don't have to allow sexual desire to impact your decisions. You WILL be okay. You just need yourself. I believe that it's okay to trust yourself, and I encourage you to. You are amazing. You are awesome. I want to write a dictionary just for you and put your picture next to every positive word in there. Not only are you going to change the world, but you're doing so right now. You are powerful, and that doesn't have to be scary. It's okay to be happy. It's okay to love. (I wonder if these things don't come from putting effort into them, but simply not allowing things to influence you otherwise). It's okay to be you. Please be you. Maybe that's the only thing you're meant to do in this life.

<3

I miss my best friend

And sometimes I wish the man that I considered a mentor and a friend lived closer than Florida. No I don't mean Jamie. I wish we could have more conversations. Sometimes I just want someone to tell me it's all going to be okay. Someone that I know and respect and care about. I know maybe that's unfair to ask, but it's true.
I'm going to try to be the person I want and do as good as I am in school. Maybe even better. I'm pretty sure I just failed a midterm in my Comedy class, but let's be honest. I don't give a fuck about it. I really don't. It's going towards a piece of paper that I don't need nor really have a whole lot of desire to get. I'm not getting a single thing out of the class and I don't like it. And maybe I would have an idea of how much money being put into school mattered if it was actually mine. Because guess what world? I'm a 21 year old undergraduate student, and I don't have a fucking clue how much $1,000 is. Forget $20,000. Or $80,000. But I'm spending money I don't have. This is what I think I want to do. Flat out, I want to change the social structure of things in America. I want to focus on emerging adults in America. I want to make America a better place, one that I'm more proud of. I want kids to learn and fully understand the decisions they are making, how they will effect the rest of their lives, and how much of a difference we can make. This generation is the one that needs to be changed. I can say more, but it'll be all things that I've said and it won't be in a positive loving way.
I read Leo last night, then woke up and lived a life not practicing too well what I'm learning. I'm trying to be a better person. I'm trying to be a better person. I smiled the first time I wrote that sentence, so I decided to write it a second. Smiling is a good thing. I simply don't want to waste time in my life, and I want to try to be the best person I can be. Those are two things I desire right now.

A few weeks from now, you will see a post that starts with me talking about how I finally got to surf again after months and months of waiting. I can wait to write those words, and more importantly I can't wait to live them.

The end of this blog, this feels like me. I want to do things and I want to care about people and I want to try. Just simply try. I have hope. These things are who I am and part of what make up the person I am. I'm learning to love myself a little more everyday. At least I hope so, and overall I'm on that path.

Good night. You matter. Very much. I'll keep saying it because we need to keep hearing it. We need to believe it too.

<3

Waiting

I have had a pretty darn good weekend. A lot of time spent with friends, and a lot of time doing pretty much nothing. However, now I am home. It is great to be home, and it is nice to go on a motorcycle with my dad, and a walk with my parents on a beautiful afternoon. Talking is good. I do love my parents. They are pretty awesome and pretty damn supportive.
I feel like I'm not doing a lot of writing nor thinking in certain ways lately. I think that maybe I'm just focusing on this job, and not thinking about other things much. I love the good conversations I can have with friends though, and I've had a lot of good ones in the past few days. I'm thankful for this. I'm going to try to make these next few days really productive. I have to work on an essay, to do a research assignment, and I'd like to do some reading and thinking of my own too. I don't have an xbox at home anymore. I don't have many distractions, and I think that's great because it'll help me focus.
I feel like right now, at this moment, I can't really describe nor explain me, because I'm in the process of changing. And I'm okay with that.

I hope tomorrow I'm productive. I'm going to go look at wet suits in the morning. Maybe afterwards I'll surf!!!! We shall see. Current water temp in Newport: 45. This is not Florida.

I'm going to do some reading before I go to bed now. Because I want to feel productive. I hope I get a lot done this week. The semester is half over. I can't wait until it's fully over.

P.S. I hope I get this job!!!!

<3

Why do you wake up in the morning?
Why do you get out of bed?
Why do you choose to keep living?
Why do you go to school and sit in class?
Why do you go to work?
Are you happy?

These are a lot of questions. A lot of big questions. Let us focus on just one, in my opinion, the most important one? Are you happy? I am in the middle of my day right now. This morning I had my favorite class, American Philosophy. It's my favorite class because of the teacher. Because he cares, and he simply hopes that you will come to his class with the belief that it could change your life. He WANTS it to. I have 3 other classes right now. I can't say I feel any of them are going to change my life, nor can I say that I care about them a lot.
Dear children, America is taking advantage of you. They are taking money from you that you have not yet earned, they are promoting the new trends that they expect you to buy into simply because they are trends. It has taken me a lot time to stop complaining and to finally say it, but I'm ready to: WE ARE BETTER THAN THIS!
We can do great things. We can change the world. We can learn to create ourselves instead of giving into the expectations that others have for us. I hope to eventually create a non-profit which encourages people to do just that. To learn to be ourselves, to love without fear, to feel free. These are ideas. I want to sit outside on this beautiful day and let my dreams flow through my fingers onto paper. I feel alive right now. I'm thankful for the things in my life that allow me to feel this. For the great teacher I have, for the awesome friends I talk with, for the support and love of my family, and for the non-profits that I'm connected with. Life is good right now.

Let's make a difference.
"Who are you to end a war? I'm here to tell you who are you not to?"

<3

Home

It feels...... nice. It's comfortable. My worries, my problems, my struggles. They all don't matter as much here. I feel safe. I feel like I can just be me, or try to be the best version of me that I know and the time. And it's okay. It's enough. I don't have to impress anyone. Love doesn't ask for that. I must be honest, as much as there were crappy moments growing up, this is a great family. I'm loved. I've been given encouragement to go after my dreams, and I can really say that. Like go live in Florida for 9 months encouragement. I'm laying in MY bed and it feels comfortable. I'm 21 years old, and I like that I had a pretty quite evening tonight, and that I'm hanging out at my house, doing simple things. The little things matter. Here, I'm allowed to do the little things. I get to talk, and know someone is always here to listen. I get to hug my dog and let her lick my face. I see the worried look on her face every time I head towards the door. But I keep coming back, and she feels relieved. I'll be hanging around here for a couple more days, and I'm glad I get to do that. Tonight, I call fall asleep easily. I can lay here believing tomorrow will be good.

< 3

I'm not writing it

I'm not going to write about how I feel like this is the same exact feeling I had in the Winter of 2011. I'm not at the same spot. Tonight, I'm not drinking, something I would've done a year and a half ago. I don't care if I stay up all night. I'm not the person I was any moment before right now.
This is the feeling that allows me to be good at all the things I was. At helping people, reaching out, encouraging, caring. All these things are simply a coping mechanism. For a feeling of helplessness.
I'm done writing. I'm going to try to sleep. I'm going to wake up tomorrow, and it's going to be a new day.

It's funny. I was talking about how I need to stop comparing myself to the past. How I need to stop missing the old me. Now tonight, I feel like the old me. And I fucking hate it.

Broken people helping broken people. Ain't that the truth in this fucked up world. Once you're okay, you stop giving a shit.

Hug always. Tomorrow someone you care about could die. Don't let them die without knowing that you're thankful for them.

<3

It's been too long

Let me write about all the negative stuff. Because whenever we are doubting, it seems that all that is true is the negative things. Or at least, they are a hell of a lot easier to believe. I'm setting myself up for either an upset or a huge surprise. I'm acting like I won't get the job. This is why I'm not shaving, being a bum, wasting hours and days worth of time doing pointless things. I know I can be a better human being. But I'm not.

I liked moments like tonight, were I can go out to dinner with my best friend. Someone who has known me for the past 4 years. And we both feel we'll be doing the same things we do now in another 4 years, if not 40. Providing of course, we don't die. I
I need to stop being a fucking coward. For the answer to why the world is the way it is, I need look no further than the mirror. I've spent about 2 years talking about how I want to go to Africa. Haven't. I stayed here. I've been society's bitch. I've realized that at least lately I need to try to practice a lot of what I preach. Because I'm not.

I'm sorry, but I think I've tried to play superman one too many times. My hope has been lost with a girl that still holds onto a pole every night to make a living, with a girl who was so addicted to running away from the pain of the truth that she would sell her body for it, with the friends that I hurt and pushed away because I was too focused on those who didn't have a friend. See, I feel like it's easier to talk about these things and say I'm not okay now. Because I don't have all these people looking up to me, or seeking hope and inspiration from me. I don't have an organization that I'm working for that I have to worry about how they'll react. I can easily say that right now, I'm not happy. And maybe once I get a job that'll change. Or maybe it'll cover it up just enough to allow me to get by. I feel like if I could sit down and have a talk with myself, I'd get myself to go back to counseling. I'd find someone good, and good talk to them.

I want to stop being a fucking coward. I want to take another break from school after this semester. I want to go to Africa, and to start my own non-profit. I want just one person, just one out of 7 billion, to look me in the eyes, to tell me this is okay, and that they believe in me and will support me. 1 out of 7,000,000,000. 1. 2 wouldn't be bad either.

Love isn't saving someone. Love isn't showing a person that you will risk it all because you care. Love isn't helping someone so much that you start to move backwards instead of forward.
‎"Choosing to marry is choosing to live a dual life, to bring two different lives into union and we don't do that unless the tie that unites them, the life in common, is holier and higher than the work of either apart." -Ella Lyman Cabot.
I want that.

I can't say that I'll like everyone all the time. But I need to always remember to try to never hurt anyone. Just that one simple thing.

"Come closer. Come into this". The same stuff still works. I hope today, after 4-5 hours of sleep, I get to have a good day. I hope you know that you are beautiful. I want to know less names of college professors, and more names of people that are truly happy. Imagine that, driving across America searching for people that are happy. Imagine what we could find. What a learning experience that would be. I need to dream bigger, and have more hope. I need to look in the mirror every morning and say "I love you, and I believe in you." I can start with this.

Come with me. Let's go see the world. And then shake it again.
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To myself, 10, or 20 years from now

Dear Kevin,

I wanted to stop right now and write a note to the future me. I hope you are still around. I hope nothing has happened to you, and I also hope that you haven't given up. I was going to sit here and write a blog complaining about the world and blaming no one and everyone at the same time. However, that's not new. That's not progressive. Maybe this isn't progressive either, but I feel like I'm at least getting closer.

First I want to talk to you about kids. If you do have some, or are ever going to in the future, please remember this. Teach them that they should always feel they have the freedom to do what makes them happy. See, I'm sitting here frustrated that I'm back in college once again. I'm wishing I hadn't come to college. I'm wishing that after high school I could've taken a step back. Explored, been given some freedom and encouragement to invest time and effort into figuring out who I am, what I want, and what life means to me. I don't want my kids to make the same mistake I did, and blindly go directly from high school to college, or a job. Before they have put thousands of dollars and so much of their precious time on this earth into something they have to believe in it. Believe in it because they have looked into their souls and that's the answer they've found.

Secondly, I hope you are doing something that makes you happy. If you have a job, I hope you're happy doing it. If you're not, then please get off your ass and quit right now. Remember this: Love and Happiness > everything else. I'm debating right now which is more important, happiness or love. Any thoughts?

Love. I hope that word makes you smile. I hope it is playing a big role in your life. You are (or rather, were) someone that cares a lot about people and relationships. I hope that hasn't changed. You can always have more time for a couple of cups of coffee, and time with friends. Put them first. I want to write other things, but I hope reading this did you some good. Keep smiling.

I love you.

With Hope,
Kevin



I realized something about myself right now. I have been hesitant to reach out to people. I use to be annoyed with people the would post things on facebook like "anyone want to hang out?". But that's what I do now. I think I'm scared to reach out to individuals as much because I fear rejection. This is something I can hopefully work on. I believe good things don't come easy. Go after the good things. : )

I'll read this in the AM. I'm going to bed. G night

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Who are you? Why are you here?

These are two questions we will never have solid answers to in our lives. I guess you can say I'm always chasing after better parts of answers. I don't think I ever have to worry about settling in life, because I question things and strive so hard for better, truer, happier things to full up my life.

I've been at school not even 3 weeks, and I'm looking for a change. I think it'll come in the form of my job, as I'm ready to be done with that. It's easy and mindless, but I'm more valuable than this. Driving people around (sometimes drunk people) is a waste of my talents and time. Money should never run my life, and the number one reason I have this job is just that, money. I want to find a job that I love doing, one that is meaningful to me.

This is something that I think is really tough for a lot of us. I don't think I'm at all alone in this one. Having the desire for the focus of your life to be something that you find meaningful; that makes you happy. However, our beliefs and values are always changing (and hopefully growing) as we go through life. I can start planing now to do something this summer. But by the time summer comes, will I still want to do it?

Why did I come back to school? Because it was one of the easiest things to do. Also because I know I have some happy moments hear.

I'm ashamed at that answer. I was sitting home all fall and I never really stopped and thought about what I really want. I want to go to Africa. I want to go check out Cali and learn to be a better surfer. I want to spend more of my time getting to know people for who they are. I know that I also have to be responsible and pay for things and that I will have a debt coming out of college (whenever I finally graduate). I think it's time to sit and think about these things. Hopefully I take advantage of some of my free time this week and do just that.

There will always be people that don't challenge themselves. I hope I'm never one of them.

I need more cups of coffee shared in the company of a friend in my life. I hope this week you get to do just that at LEAST once.

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Update, College life

I've been using that expression a lot the past week, "College Life". I mean, I am back in college, so I guess it makes sense and is fair to use it.

In a sense, I feel like it's all overwhelming. Being back here on campus, seeing old friends, being in classes. It's a different lifestyle for sure. Going from the sunny beach in Florida living a simple, and relaxing life where the only problem was feeling like I somewhat lacked a purpose; to moving back to MA. Living back at home, enjoying all the time I got to spend with my family, and reconnecting with old friends. Now I'm back at school. 2011 was full of a lot of free time, and free choices. Now I'm being held more accountable for myself and my actions. I have work, classes, and lots of homework. As my best friend put it the other day, college means "The feeling of never being relaxed, because you always have more stuff to do. Even if you have everything done for tomorrow, you know in the back of your mind that you could be doing more stuff for something in the near future." It's an odd feeling. It can drive you or discourage you.

I have learned (or remembered depending on how you want to look at it) that it is important to remember what I have accomplished everyday, and to feel good about myself. I'm trying to make quality time with friends and good conversations more of a part of my life. The past couple of days, this has been going really well. I'm thankful for it. I hope this is always a part of my life. Last year I struggled a lot with the question, "Who am I?" I know that this (conversations and friends) is part of that answer.

I feel like this semester I am more determined to get my work done and to make sure I do good. I like this. My main focus is school, and I think it should be, seeing the amount of time, and effort I'm putting into it, and the amount of money my parents have given (even though money isn't as important).

I'm still not sure what the future holds for me. Maybe I'll start my own non-profit, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll be a counselor, maybe I'll do work with people in third-world countries. Maybe I'll do something I've never thought of, or maybe I'll even die tomorrow. We never know when we will leave this earth. I just watched videos with a friend reminding me of how important it is to say things now. To make sure you are doing things you want, and have told those people that you love, that you do love them. "Maybe we've told them we love them; but do you ever get tired of hearing it?".

If you're my friend, please know I love you. I'm thankful you are a part of my life. I forgive you for the times that I haven't been a great friend, and I hope you can forgive me too. If you aren't my friend, please know you are loved, and that you matter very much. And also, why the heck aren't we friends? Cause you're probably pretty cool. We should probably talk.

I hope you have a good night. I hope tomorrow rocks. I hope in the next month you get to watch both a sunrise and a sunset. I hope every hour you get to hear the words "I love you" and you get hugs just as much.

There's a tattoo on my back that says LOVE IS THE MOVEMENT.

Goodnight,
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The scariest times are also the most exciting

I wake up and feel like it's spring. There's a couple of inches of snow on the ground, and its 30 degrees outside if I'm lucky. But I associate how I'm feeling right now with spring. Spring is new beginnings, and fresh starts. Spring is that feeling that the only familiar thing about it is that it's new.
My whole life is ahead of me. The options are there. I feel like this semester, like right now, is time for me to chase my dreams. I can explore things, I can let ideas flow over conversations with a hot cup of coffee in my hand. I can feel connected, and get to become closer with others.

My name is Kevin Pelletier. I would like to start a non-profit after I graduate with my undergraduate degree. This gives me a year to a year and a half of prep. Let the brain storming begin.

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Change change, and a little more change.

Wow. It's been awhile. I have some thoughts that are kind of all over the place. I think. So here we go!:

Florida was awesome. It was great to go back there and visit, but I realize that it isn't a place I want to live long term. I enjoyed my time there, but I feel like when I'm down there I'm missing something. Actually, I know I am. A purpose. I feel like down there my life is simple and easy and maybe even a little boring. That's exactly how a vacation should be, because it's relaxing. But life isn't boring.

When we are growing up, we are told not to talk to strangers. I guess I can understand why we are told that, though it is unfortunate. At what age is it okay to talk to strangers again? Because I know it's gotta be earlier than 21, and I feel like most people don't get that memo. Or at least, they don't take action. Consequently, a lot of us are dying of loneliness.

Having a passion is great. Focusing on doing something, and helping out a particular cause is wonderful. It is important to remember that through this, we must remain humble. Though we may feel like it at times, it isn't a fact that whatever cause we are working for is the most important. That is only an opinion. It's good to keep time to always put our efforts into numerous things. Because sometimes we can be so focused on a good thing, we forget about others, and starting hurting them. We can end up doing more bad than good unintentionally.

It's funny how we can boast about the "wrong doings" of others so easily, but never stop and take a second to look in the damn mirror.

I'm thankful for my awesome friends and family. For everyone who keeps the judging to a minimum and the encouragement to a max.

I'm going to try to not play xbox at all the rest of the week. And also keep the tv time down. Hoping to be a little more productive this week.

G night y'all.

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