Don't forget to give hugs and tell people how much you care about them

I like this. I feel so much better about it than this summer. It ain't great yet, but who knows what'll happen. this is my life. its odd trying to take it all in. almost seems like im going with it all, and taking it in slowly. making new friends is always hard. the most compatible people can never meet, because it's just in their personality to be alone. why let people in or seem friendly when your not? opportunities are what we make them. So much here just asks me to forget about my past. to move on and consider this a new life. part of me wants to. part of me will never let go. i feel like so much of what i want to do is influenced on the past though. this is a new part of my life however. who knows what i'll make of it. who knows how i'll change. i know i can never let go. and i think im realizing that i dont have to let go of anything, but i can still move on a little bit. memories will always be there and i can go back to them whenever i need to. my heart is a whole different story. the scientists told me that they will probably create a robot that knows how to love before they figure out how exactly mine works. it's like there's a village in my heart. but there's two sides to the village along with an idiot just stuck in the middle of it all. i could look at all the bad aspects of this and probably end up back home with numerous future dates with a couple of couches in different offices. but i'm not. im surprisingly trying to be optimistic. my brain is starting up a lot of work and taking a few extra hours. my heart is getting a little bit of a rest.

<3

Sitting in my room becoming homesick.

I've never been good at saying good bye. I don't think I've ever been able to let go.
I'm a little scared, but I'm excited. I'm going to try to stay positive up there.
I'm going to miss a few people.
Other's I'm glad to get away from.
But I won't be gone forever.
I'm leaving soon.
I'm getting ready.
Can you hold it steady for one more night?
I'll be looking at the stars from a different angle.
Who's calling the shots when your strangled
by you own lies?
My heart is constantly pouring itself into this computer. And I'm not leaving any of that behind.
So I guess that's something.
I guess I've got something.

Packing all my memories in a suitcase.
<3

headlights and headaches

sometimes my head just pounds. it tells me i should just go to sleep and not even bother trying to write.

what is going to happen to me?
where will i be a year from now?
ten?
will i even be alive still?

there's no use to all of this
I'm just going to be a let down.
hero's never have slit wrist.

<3

Early mornings start at 9 for me

If I just started telling myself I'm over u and over getting hurt, would this all go away?



Dear words,
I've decided we are in an abusive relationship. But you'll stay won't you?


<3

I'm trying to be me, whoever that is...

i want to be original. but inconsistent. make life interesting, but not to much. it's so easy to forget who you are. We are so lost that sometimes we just basically let other people run our lives. But how good is life then?
Sometimes i wonder if i just keep people around so i have a life right now that i can run to when i'm sick of thinking about the past, or it gets too complicated. But what's weird, is that words i read off of this screen im staring at right now; can make me feel less alone than any person I am around on a daily basis. Is my life just sitting home and waiting for the next message?
Do you remember our hugs? cause i do. and i miss them. hell, i almost want to call you right now. but that would cause so much drama i would never come home from college and probably disown this town. i look at you, and the first word that comes to mind is empty. but i fell for it all. for over a year, i bought it. I believed all the lies. I thought that every tear drop and look of concern had meaning behind it. but i was so wrong. i get angry, i just want to write horrible things about you sometimes. but honestly, how can a human being really not care that much? i just don't get it. It's why i wonder if you're worse than me. at life. for lack of a better word right there. i still find myself attracted to you. Maybe it's my only (false) hope that i won't scream the pains of my first love. I used to go to you for help about that. But now you just make me realize how much i miss that.
Not even realizing it, but you still make me feel lonely everyday. I'm done seeing my therapist. Seeing I'm going up to college now. I wish i could say that i won't ever have to go back to one. But i feel like i will need to within a year. It's not bad i guess though. It's nice to have someone listen that really can't judge most of the time. That isn't stuck in the middle of all the same shit you dug yourself into.

<3

Where are you now?

in ten days i wont be around anyone i know. i wont have a close attachment to anyone. all i will do is think about the past. about my first love and how i lost is. and about the person i at one time called my best friend who, i feel, completely fucked me over. i will hopefully write a lot. songs will form. but they're actually only poetry. songs require music. and that's only in my head.

if you subtract .1% from love, i think i can describe how i feel about you.
i care so much. i care enough. if you think it's possible to care to much, then im the man to study and find out. im the one to test. cause i dont lie when id say i would die in a heart beat for you. its not completely caring though. dont think its all so sweet. i mean, part of the reason i would is just because i have no reason to live. i dont really feel worth it. everyday i kill my potential. what do you think about in the morning when you first wake up? the moon sifts the tides, but what about the blood in my heart? is it not getting enough, or maybe too much. im never going to be good for anything. either way.
no matter how much i help, if i hurt once, i feel like i've failed. myself and you.
because i know how much of a difference that one chance could make in a life.

all i want to do is help and figure out myself
all i want to do is help and hurt people
i guess its the same thing

we are a magnet. sometimes we attract each other. sometimes one of us will switch a side, and just push away the other person. it will always happen this way. it can't change. it's a fact.
<3

here's my second chance. lets hope i dont need a third.

i care more about the dog that lives across the street from you
but these pages always seemed to be filled up by you.
and when they're not, it feels like they should be.

so maybe i'll give this empty white space what it wants.
maybe i'll write you off over and over again
spend my whole life hoping that maybe one day you'll realize that you aren't better than me
its a goal
the lights tell me i shouldn't be outside.
but my heart tells me i shouldn't be here at all
im leaving soon
not soon enough for some.
for me, i can't decided.
i just feel a little better every night like this, because they make the words for into something more than sentences.
they become more reliable than you ever were

<3