i want to be original. but inconsistent. make life interesting, but not to much. it's so easy to forget who you are. We are so lost that sometimes we just basically let other people run our lives. But how good is life then?
Sometimes i wonder if i just keep people around so i have a life right now that i can run to when i'm sick of thinking about the past, or it gets too complicated. But what's weird, is that words i read off of this screen im staring at right now; can make me feel less alone than any person I am around on a daily basis. Is my life just sitting home and waiting for the next message?
Do you remember our hugs? cause i do. and i miss them. hell, i almost want to call you right now. but that would cause so much drama i would never come home from college and probably disown this town. i look at you, and the first word that comes to mind is empty. but i fell for it all. for over a year, i bought it. I believed all the lies. I thought that every tear drop and look of concern had meaning behind it. but i was so wrong. i get angry, i just want to write horrible things about you sometimes. but honestly, how can a human being really not care that much? i just don't get it. It's why i wonder if you're worse than me. at life. for lack of a better word right there. i still find myself attracted to you. Maybe it's my only (false) hope that i won't scream the pains of my first love. I used to go to you for help about that. But now you just make me realize how much i miss that.
Not even realizing it, but you still make me feel lonely everyday. I'm done seeing my therapist. Seeing I'm going up to college now. I wish i could say that i won't ever have to go back to one. But i feel like i will need to within a year. It's not bad i guess though. It's nice to have someone listen that really can't judge most of the time. That isn't stuck in the middle of all the same shit you dug yourself into.
<3
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