What is this?

I am afraid that I will never again be completely happy with either of the two paths I could take. I want all of this so bad, that i try to not look for love. But if love actually found me, would I be able to give this up? No. So I could never commit to one thing. That's why some commit to the choice of no more choices. Maybe it's the weather, but I just don't feel right. I'm confused. I'm being tossed in so many different directions. Which way is pulling me the most? Should I let it? Should I just drop out and figure out what my heart really wants and then spend my whole life chasing that?
Love, I miss you.


I've got so many great friends in high places
I've got so many people who care
All my friends listen and understand my pain
I have so many best friends that are always there
All my friends understand my shame
I have so many people who can give me a lift
But before I saw thank you to all my friends
Let me tell you that this is all bull shit

I'm still alone, maybe worse than ever
I'm still alone, love won't come back
you want to help but you cant, so send me a letter
there's so much knowledge your heart lacks

cut me open, dissect my insides
3 years now I've been ready to die
this shame and guilt will fallow me to my grave
Give me a shovel I don't want to be saved
I'll lay in the coffin and say goodnight
You just have to shut it tight.
you can't help me live anymore,
so can you help me die?
life isn't hardcore
when love starts with a lie

college is all about getting drunk and fucking people you don't really know and getting high. Because if you take away all of that, you realize that it just totally sucks. You realize how alone you feel. Everyone has the same major, It's called becoming someone you're not. I wonder if she'd end up becoming a professor here.

I have a secret, but it's too early to tell.
And I don't want to ruin it, it's kinda the only thing I have going for me right now.

(maybe I just need to get laid)
<3

It's not Disneyland, so where?

find me a place where we don't have to grow up.

I don't like waking up

The past few times I've woken up without writing and/or listening to music before i go to sleep, I've had bad dreams. Not necessarily nightmares; but just bad dreams. Dreams the put me in a lousy mood when I wake up. Dreams that have me thinking about things I probably shouldn't be. It's not comforting. The only thing it makes feel right is pulling up the shade and seeing a rainy day ahead of me.
I've realized that I don't want to let go of you, because you're a part of my life wether or not you want to be. As much as you weren't a great friend at all; all those times I thought you were listening and caring weren't a complete waste. I realized and found out a lot about myself. I changed in a few ways, and started to adapt to pain and feeling lonely. You hurt me so much, but I guess in a way you've helped me to. By doing nothing. You have me so curious all the time. I wonder if you'll change. If there really is a bigger picture for you. I considered you my best friend, but I didn't even know your biggest secret. Is it cause you didn't even know it? I'm still attached to you. It can be bad or it can be good; but its happening. Who knows. I just had to get this off my chest so I could get out of bed this morning. I'm sorry if it doesn't make a lot of sense.

<3

Watch this

http://www.falloutboyrock.com/falloutboy/blog_detail.php?uf_item_id=1-106301&uf_system_id=1

It's patrick doing an interview. He's not really talking about the band, but more so the world we live in. It kind of hit me, so I figured I'd give you the info. and maybe it can touch you too.


<3

"we want to be remembered for doing something heroic. Heroic in who's eyes though?

On the drive back up here, there was an ambulance fallowing me for quite a few miles. It eventually passed me, but It was in viewing distance for awhile after that also. I'll let you make the metaphor for that on your own. I just kind of liked the bright lights.
Most of my friends will never miss me as much as I miss them. Or be as happy to see me as I am to see them. I know I feel alone sometimes and that is the reason that I hold people closer. But I can't help to not really feel wanted when I only get half hearted half smiles.

I think I understand why everyone likes college. The years are planned out for you, and you always have a place to escape and runaway to. If your at college, you can go back to your hometown when things get bad. If you are there, you can think about college and how soon you'll be back there. It supposed to teach us how to grow up, but how? By getting us use to moving back and forth in between two places that aren't even that great to us? We pick something we tell ourselves we might like to do; and 4 years of doing things we don't really want to are set up for us. Is it really that great? Personally I think the whole system is really fucked up. But hey, I'm part of it right now until I figure out a better path.
In order to take your own path, or the path "less traveled" you have to start out alone.
I just wrote that for me. Stamp it to my forehead so every time I look in the mirror and try to figure out who I am, I can remember what I need to do to become who I should be. I'm settling for mediocrity. Just like half or America; and down the road, I'll divorce my future and trade it in for a second one that might be better. Or maybe by that time I'd have just forgotten all of this.
I could show you what love is. I could make you feel safe again. I could make you feel whatever it was before any of the shit started in your life. I can give you the most comforting feeling you'll ever know. I write the words that will make all of the pain temporarily disappear. My arms can be that place where you can always run to when you need to know everything will work out just fine. I could show you what love is. I could, if the distance between us was closer.
(you never know who I'm writing about. its my secret that I keep to myself, cause I need something. its my secret. Don't share yours. it's how we die faster)

<3

no service

i lost my phone today. It really sucks. I didn't realized how attached I was to being able to talk to people. And I consider myself kind of a loner. Odd isn't it? I guess we really are the technological generation. I'll get a new one tomorrow. It's being bought with money that I can't afford to spend, but that's college isn't it? I'm not going to have any phone numbers in there though. And that really sucks. It was nice to have certain numbers in there; even though I know I'd probably never call them. I guess now it won't take me as long to realize that some nights I just have no one to talk to.


Fill the air beside me on these cold winter mornings ahead of us. I can comfortably lay my head on my pillow and my heart next to you.
<3

Today could be the start of something amazing and life changing

I don't know yet. I have worries, but time will tell all. So I patiently wait


<3

I want to help someone

It's been awhile. You know what completely sucks also? I haven't hugged anyone in a week. And hugs are up there for the best things ever. Like they are right next to Disney. But I've said that before. I'm in a new town like 60 miles away. I want to meet new people. But I've realized, if you take away some of my friends, I'm not as outgoing and carefree as I thought I was. I can actually be kind of shy. In Somerset it was easy for me to find the people that could use help. Those people are what made me feel alive. But up here, It's hard to find them. Maybe I'm just not looking hard enough or in the right places. Or maybe there just really aren't a lot of people like that in college. I love it when I just keep typing and it feels like the words, my fingers, and this keyboard and all just a runway for my heart to get on this page. It's really nice. I have a band I found today that I totally love. But I'm not telling; because they're going to be my little secret. I'm going to listen to them when I go and just sit under the starts and think. I hope I do more writing up here. I'm starting to "dream" now that this year is just me writing, and then next year I'll find a band and we will start playing. I'm learning a lot about music and it's really cool and kind of fun. It's nice too, being able to actually write down some of the melodies and chorus that I have made up in my head. And how awesome is it that I don't have to worry about people wanting to play a different style of music? I'm the one writing it. Maybe I'll be the start of the next Rocket Summer. Except unlike him (i so just forgot his name) I won't sing. Because that would be bad. We'll I think that's about it. I hate days when it seems like they just drag by, and I have things to do, but I don't have the energy, then at night I just start writing and become wide awake. I get energy. I hope she does the right thing for her. I hope my mind (doesn't) stay off of you and the past. The buildings in the city guide me back to where I started. Something is nice about looking up and seeing tall buildings, but still seeing that one star in the sky above all of the atmosphere.

<3

Most of my heart goes out to Travis Barker right now; the rest is here:

In the dictionary:

Lie comes before love

Heal comes before help

heal comes after death

Suicide is way closer to sane than insane

you is closer to me than him

truth lies in between right and wrong

Songs and scars are close together

as are words and weapons

jealously and murder are close enough to flirt a lot

steal is far away from heart, but right next to stone

lust and love get tangled up

depressed or delusional?

stars or showers?

healing or hiding?

running or real?

fear or fake?

caring or careless?


Of these, the only word to come before fake is death

interesting, our english language. Isn't it?

alone always,
<3

I blew shit up tonight with my friends.

I'm In my dorm room. Somewhere between the point of too tired and not tired enough. I hate how some people can get when they are drunk. It's so loud sometimes and I just want to sleep. I've herd the same fucking song coming from the room across the hall about ten times. I don't even know if anyone is in the room. But I guess it's all part of the atmosphere. I miss parts of home every now and then. Two of my closest friends are sleeping on the floor right now. They came up to see me. Visitors are nice. Expected and unexpected.
I really hope I'm not running away from everything and just not realizing it. I worry about that from time to time up here. I want to write an album with lyrics that are nothing but my idea of me. Some will be very hateful, some might be very caring. This will probably be the only time I'll mention this, so feel special if you're reading it. Who knows if it'll happen. My dreams are in front of me. Right now it's just a matter of figuring out which ones I should try too grab and which one's I have to let slip by.


<3

Currently,

trying to figure out what exactly to write about. What order and what words should fill up that little booklet in the front of the Cd that half the people who buy the Cd dont even care about. Even though I will probably never get to the point of making a Cd. But hey, if I look up at night and the sky is clear, then the stars tell me I can dream. And the moon tells me to stay alone.

<3

dear you fucked up ignorant pricks that hear shit about me, and love to talk about it

I don't care what you think of me. Some people can say that, but i truly mean it. The more you know about someone, the better chance you have of understanding them. I could give you all a book about me and you still wouldn't have a fucking clue. But go on, take this gossip, and turn it into drama and try to hold on to it as long as you can. Think about other people's lives and say how fucked up other people are when you don't even know yourself. Before for you judge me, looking in the mirror. But in order to do that you have to wipe off your eyes and wash the shit out of your mouth; because so far in life your head has only been up your ass. And your hearts, well they have no idea what it feels like to skip a beat.


<.... no, not even a little bit right now

*middle finger* (keep it up, because the one to the right of it will always be down. There will never be something to put around it)

Awkward Mornings are the one's alone

I have dreams every night if i don't write before i fall asleep and if I don't listen to a specific cd while i'm falling asleep. When I wake up, unexpected things are filling my mind. My heart doesn't know what to do. But my mind, it's always thinking about some one it shouldn't be. And by that, I don't mean you; because in my fucked up world, it's still ok to think about you. I turn over and close my eyes, I'm not ready for any of this yet. "5 more minutes", as I beg my brain to think about someone else. and it never works. I'm not ready for today. I'm sitting in bed with the shades shut. The only light is coming for this screen. I don't want to start today. I want to go back to sleep. Don't you get it? This is me trying to move on. This is me moving and hour and a half away, being in college and staying busy. But when I wake up, the only thing I feel comfortable thinking about it you. I'm sorry, hate me for it. Sometimes I wish it was something else too. "all you need is love" But I'm still searching for mine. I'm sitting at the lighthouse waiting for the beam to guide you back to me. Or bring something that just might cure me from all of this. But every flash just shows me what's ahead of me in this life. Nothing.


I asked to go to a land where I wouldn't think of you; the directions they gave me led me to a city where every old feeling from my town is hiding in between the cracks on the road I walk at night.
<3

fallow me into hell

my heart still breaks every time ur's skips a beat



<3

I just want to be a present memory

Parent " I Love you"
Child *silence*
Parent "good night"
Child "night"

i wonder how many households that happens in. i bet you more people say it and dont mean it than don't say it.

that's my thought of the night. I'm trying to not be depressed right now, I have classes 2mrw nd shit to do.

Put up the Peace sign, Put the index down
<3

let's go on a journey without medication

I leave the building. It's no nice to just get out. Sometimes I don't even care where I'm going and whether or not I end up there. I've been in this building for most of the day. You could say I'm depressed. I want to get out of here, cause sometimes sitting in the same room just makes you realize how much more worthless you really are. I cross the street. Immediately I want to get away from people. A walk along the water is nice. "A calm river will calm you down boy". I don't know why I put that in quotes, to me that's my original thought. But I'm sure someone has thought of it at one time or another. I walk to the bench that I had called my own. It's my first place to "escape" up here. It's the first place I found. But tonight I keep going. I have a different destination in mind. Besides, sometimes you just need to run away; and sometimes you need to run away as far away from everything as possible. I'm mainly focused on the scenery, the atmosphere around me. This is all new, this walk is for the future walks where I can focus more on the thoughts in my head and heart. I walk to a somewhat familiar place. I'll be just a few blocks away from it for the next four years, but I will never be the reason those parking lots fill up. I walk around the rotary. The long way. Only because someone is walking the other way, and I don't want to be with anyone right now. I look down and remember the busses being there. I remember the stairs where I stood with my best friend freezing our asses off, as we fear our balls would shrink so small they wouldn't ever come back. I look inside and continue, walk down the large walkway where I sat for hours in line. Walk over to the side entrance, but then down a little further. There is a nice little place here. Get rid of the lights, and it'd be perfect to just lay and look at the stars. I go towards the river, and take the walkway alongside it. They call it the river walk, but trees block the view. I stop on the bridge. I think it'd be cool if it just collapsed. I'd hold onto a piece of wood and just float down the river. I'd be able to just float away. No one would know what happened, and no one would understand. I continue walking. The nice walkway ends and an alley is ahead. I become anxious of who I might meet in here. I walk through, and start to head back. It seems like cars are parked on every part of the street they're not supposed to be. Here I go, headed back to the room. Back to where all the mistakes are waiting for me. Where reality lives. I decide to make the journey a little longer, and go back the way I started. This is a mistake. Then it happens. I think of you. This whole time I hadn't. I move on from it though. This isn't a good time to dwell on any of that, I'm going back to reality. I come back to end my walk, and now am just thinking about getting into my room and going on my computer to type all of this. I think about how much I missed writing the past few days. I try to make sense of new things (everything up here) when I don't have the older one's (home) figured out.

This was my night. I decided to write it so maybe some other night someone else can live it.
This is my life. I'm deciding to write it so maybe some other time someone else can live it.

<3

"I'm done with all that shit. I've moved on from this town"

those were my words. words that i was luckily able to catch right before my lips opened to let them out. Because it is a lie. That's more of a goal that I will probably never accomplish. Some things I have let go of. Others I can't. A few, I never want to. The only thing that coming back to this town did was remind me of everything I hate about it. If you really want to change, you have to change the atmosphere around you. You have to really get away from everything permanently. And I can't even promise that it will work. But being stuck in one place that you don't want to be will never get you anywhere you want to be. I came back home for the weekend. I forget the headaches. They were waiting, and greeted me when I arrived here.
From the second you pack the last bag and start the car, everything your driving away from is forgetting you.
But you can never forget it.
No matter how much you are trying to.
<3

sometimes being happy just makes me miss being sad so much

i herd that earlier this week a kid killed himself up here. jumped off a bridge they say "one does it every year" it just kid of sets me back. i think about how many times that could've (should've) been me. as i walk over the bridge i look down. not today i think in my head. i wish i had met that kid. i hope that someday in my pathetic life i stop someone from doing that (suicide). Then, and only, maybe just maybe then. I could forgive myself. I hate how nothing up here reminds me of my past. Nothing yet anyway. Sometimes I like to just think about the past. The day I thought I got you out of my head, you just ran straight to my heart. lets go to the tallest building and jump. we'll race our fears to the ground. It's the only way we won't get have to ever live without one another. im the leaf and you're the water. you can stay for a little while. but sooner or later you will move on to other places. and then im most likely to just fall to the ground. will life change? saw my shadow beating me to my future. push the button and sound the alarm. listen for the sirens as they get louder and louder. The boy stands there and watches and the police and paramedics are rushing out and running towards him as the fire truck comes down the street. "There's no emergency here," the boy says, "I just needed to know that somebody is willing to save me. Thanks," He says has he walks away.

I'll be back in the town i grew up in tomm. I'm trying to not call it home anymore, because I've realized that it isn't one to me. See the old faces and bring back the new fake smiles and awkward feelings of never quite fitting in. But at least down there, people actually know me a good amount. I can't say that about anyone up here yet.
Go count up the money you have right now.
And then go give it to charity.
Or just do something good.
Show somebody you're willing to save them.
<3