I'm a people person

I love people. I love being around people. I want to meet up and have open, honest conversations every single day of my life. I want to share stories. Talk about things that can be hard to talk about. I continuously self-evaluate myself. I know I can always be a better person, and I always try to be. I think about myself on a very deep level, and I love to talk about that with other people that do the same. But it's hard to have these conversations. I don't want to think that people are shallow and just don't think like that... but I think they're maybe scared? Maybe when a lot of us start to self-evaluate, we hate what we see, we don't like who we are. I've been there, I still am sometimes. It's so hard to face that, especially alone. To be honest, I still don't like the person I am. If you want to know more about that, ask me "why" when we are talking sometime. I'll talk about it. I want this post to have a bigger meaning than me though. But why do we run away from that? Why don't we take time to self-evaluate. It's hard. I know that.
But people don't, and it seems like they just walk through life. Not really caring, not really happy. It can be hard to do this. It can be hard to really care, to be emotional. People put their jobs, their school work, some hobby first. But what if we put people first? What if we tried to care about others. What if we weighed our accomplishments in a day not by how much we got done at work, or that we finished a paper, or earned this much money; but by the conversations we had? How we got to know someone, if we helped someone or not, or what we learned about ourselves? And I don't mean in the shallow sense of that. Who the person really is. It can start with questions like, where are you from? what do you do for fun? what's your favorite sport? what's your favorite band? BUT IT CAN GO DEEPER!!!! How are you, really? What is your biggest fear right now? What's your dreams, what are you doing to make them real? I feel like it's hard for us to show we really care a lot of the times. We all do, I'm not saying there are bad people out there in the world. I think people get tired though, and worn out, and sick of stuff, and exhausted. I think everybody wants to do in a job in which they feel like they are making a difference. I think everybody either expresses they care or deep down want to. But I wish we as a society pushed ourselves more. I remind you, I constantly self-evaluate. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to be a better person. What if instead of going to help out at a soup kitchen on thanksgiving day, we did it once a week? What if instead of dropping $20 into The Salvation army bin, we used that to go take a homeless person out to dinner? Had a nice meal and a conversation with them? Got to know them and learn their struggles. Then maybe tried to help them if they weren't happy. See what we could do to make them happy. I try to not get too attached to possessions. If I ever start to bitch about losing something or that I don't have something, please remind me of all of the people less fortunate than me in the sense of possessions. I want to go over to Africa so bad. I want to learn the culture and see what makes people that have to walk for miles just to get water want to keep living. Because I think they fucking get it better than any of us reading this on a computer ever will. By it I mean life, I mean the bigger picture, I mean the tough questions. I mean all of "it".
I hope people start to do more good things. I think it starts with conversations. I want to meet the people that when I ask, what are you passionate about? They don't say "the red sox", but instead "trying to end sex-trafficking". Good can come out of everything. I understand the Red Sox can give people hope, that at the end of a long day sitting down and watching a ball game can be unwinding and relaxing. But so can grabbing coffee and having a conversation. I guarantee you, if instead of sitting down and watching TV for an hour, you go help out at a Soup Kitchen, you will feel better at the end of that night. Yes, it'll feel awkward walking in there for the first time, but a happiness can come from that. And it's so much more valuable than the excitement of watching a team win the world series. Or at least I think it should be to you. I never try to tell people what to do. And I understand in this post, I am a little bit. I'm being a little shallow minded, and maybe parts of this frustrate you. But try to see the good in this. Try. Read it again with an open mind. I'm self-evaluating, and I'm going to try to make these thoughts more organized and more open and welcoming. I've turned down and blown off going to parties plenty of times when friend's have asked. However, I've never said no to going with a friend to help somebody in a way that I think is meaningful and doing good. I'll work on that, and I'll try to make a difference in somebody's day today. What are you going to do?
If your hesitant, cause I have been lately, here's another thought process I'm struggling with lately: I help people a lot, but sometimes I wonder what's the point? If you aren't truly broken down, you won't change. I've had conversations with people, and they feel better about themselves, but then the next friday, they are out getting drunk at a party and they haven't done anything worthwhile. They they didn't develop a true care for people. I feel like there wasn't a point in these situations. Was there? I think there needs to be a larger and more well-known community that supports people to do good things. Because without that, we fall right back into the old ones. I have a lot of questions and struggles in my head right now. My heart is heavy. While you're sleeping at night, I'm thinking about the girl who is a few blocks away fucking some guy that paid her $100 because it's come to this so she doesn't feel alone, or so she can put food on the table for her kid. And I don't know her story, but I want to. I want to go ask those questions and learn about why she's living the life she is.
About 2 months ago, I was at a therapy session, and was asked "what do you do for fun?" I didn't have an answer. "wow, um, nothing I think. But having conversations with people relaxes me, and that makes me feel real. I guess that's the closest I can get to fun?" I'm sorry, but this is a broken world. I try to never ignore that. We live here and if we understand the pain, we can help make a difference and turn it into something better. I hope that more people try to turn this into something better.

Read a new blog tonight. HEYCHRIS from FOB.

Really good stuff. The past 6 nights, I've drank at least one beer. Helps me fall asleep I guess. Tonight, I haven't. I stopped that, because I know it was going to get out of hand. So maybe that's why it's 4am and I'm still awake. But I'm not sure. I feel good though right now. Just stood out on the balcony for ten minutes. Lowell in general, especially the view form my balcony isn't anything special at all. But it felt good to feel the cold air. Maybe thats why I like going outside this time of year late at night with a coffee. Feeling cold and warm. A constant mix, cause that's why life is. And just feeling something and knowing I am feeling it. Maybe that's my minor little thing I do instead of cutting. But yeah, anyway... I kinda wanna make coffee and stay up all night. But there's not much else to do. Lowell isn't the place I wanna go for a walk at 4am alone. I'm not in the mood to go for a drive. And tv will put me to sleep. So I guess I'm just going to choose sleep anyway. Trying to make sure that helping others doesn't become an overwhelming part of my life again where emotions are so attached. Almost at the point where I can say that's not happening right now.


Hope the days have steadily been "not shitty" so much that you are starting to think "okay" is possible.
Maybe I shouldn't have wrote that, but I did. Too late. If it backfires, it's 4am and that's my excuse. And that I was sober.


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Want to know the real me?

This is my life. Sitting in my apartment at school on a Friday night lonely. Thinking of love, and even lust. Remember the times when I didn't feel this alone. I'm not okay being alone. And I'm not in the mood to go get drunk. No group of people up here I'd even want to with. And I feel like that'll just lead to me hitting on girls because I'm lonely. This is my blog, so I'm going to be fucking honest: I wish I didn't meet so many girls going through shit. I wish I could just meet a girl that's doing okay, and could actually like me for who I am and trust me, and believe in a relationship. I'm looking for love in all the wrong places. And I don't know how things will happen. Except I just hope they will. This whole blog could be me having the courage enough to be real because there's alcohol in my system. Or maybe it's not true because of that. I'm a 20 year old kid waiting to accept my dream job and go start a new life. But I'm fucking scared shitless. And nights like this, I have to sit here and try to think of reasons to stay alive. Reasons to not grab a sharp object and go back to the way things were 3 years alone. You think I'm okay, but I'm the best liar I know. Tomorrow I'll hopefully be hanging out with a good friend. And maybe he can help me make a little more sense of myself. Life's only boring if you have your eyes closed going through it. I feel like that's a positive statement, and it just came to my mind. Doesn't go along with the rest of this, but I'm going to leave it in there anyway. Loving the bands that write about misery, but are able to make music their life, and have fun playing songs that are about heavy hearts. A good balance of the way life should be in a sense. Started playing my bass again this week. It has helped. But it's not quite good enough. Need something more. What that is, well I don't know. If I did, I would be stuck sitting here alone at midnight drowning in misery.
I give and give and give and put up walls, that people just kind of assume I'm okay somehow. That they either are just getting help from me, so they don't really ask about myself. Or they have asked, but I put up walls. I'm waiting for someone to come break them down.

What if every single thing I've written and thought of for every other person, I've thought for myself too?
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Getting back into this I guessed

Spent late last night watching FOB videos and reading old journals of Pete Wentz. I got to see my dog today. That was exciting. Got to drive around with a friend that I hadn't seen in months.
And I realize this blog isn't different. It isn't great. Probably not even good. And I want it to be. It can be real and great. But I just don't know how to be real. I don't know what to type right now, but the feeling of my fingers running across this keyboard make me feel just a little more okay. So I'm just going to keep doing it. Saw you in my dreams last night. It was in the future and you and I were together. Made pancakes this afternoon for breakfast. Ran to the store to get milk, then drank coffee instead. I wonder how much you think of me. I wonder how much anyone does. I wonder how I could be more hopeful. Tomorrow will be good. Tomorrow night will decide if I'll still feel that way. Going to be meeting up with some good people again hopefully. Shall be fun. Maybe seeing others first. I don't know. If you hold me long enough and say you love me, I'll be yours. It's that simple right now, because most nights I feel like a lone man wolf pack. That's lost. And It's winter. I could go on and on, but you get the point.

Don't expect those to be there for you that you are there for them. They are too busy going through their own shit. We all need people that are either okay enough to talk to, or just great at faking the fact.
Almost called her today so I could remember what lust feels like, and then compare it to this. If it came up short, how'd you feel?

I feel like I don't know how to write about life or questions as much as I do love and girls that I can't quite get. I'm going back to bad habbits now. Time to stop and sleep. Non of this probably made sense. If so, disregard.

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insomnia

Can't sleep can't sleep can't sleep. This sucks. I'm sick of it. I get home at 330am, but I can't fall asleep. I do not feel okay. I haven't this whole semester. I don't feel wanted up here. I just really don't at all. Sometimes when I go home I do a little, others not at all.
Even during the day, I have a lot of stuff I could be doing. But no motivation. I had UChapter stuff I could've done this afternoon. Even after the great meeting yesterday, I just didn't have any motivation for it. It's bad. Something is wrong. I know it. I can feel it.

As fucked as it is to say... I feel like I don't want to leave and go down to Coco. I don't want to leave certain things up here, certain people. I shouldn't run away from my problems. And I could do a lot in this area. I know that. I could have support. I could get by. Probably even be happy. I'm getting very well connected up here. And I'm soooooo scared that if I leave, I won't be able to be there for some people. I'm scared I'm going to end up on a plane home to go to a funeral like other TWLOHA employees have had to do because a friend died by suicide. I would never be okay again if that happened. Thinking particularly about two people right now. Focused on one more so. I'm not going to get a good nights sleep until I know she's getting the help she needs. And there's that little part of me that wants to see what will happen. It was God's choice that I was called a father. I will not ignore that, or him. I won't. I'm listening to it and it's in the back of my head; also resting in my heart. Though right now, her words don't mean as much. At least I try to not take them to mean as much. Because I know whoever she is right now, it's not the real her. I want to see what she's like after getting some help. Not fixed, no, not that at all. There is something beautiful about being broken. But I think she might get this. And in my head I do. I don't want to try to explain more. Because I know I might not word something correctly, and I don't want it to be offensive. But I'm just stuck on this. Waiting to see what happens next. Waiting. Scared. Scared a little bit too. Okay, maybe a lot. I really have trouble falling asleep. : /

This will be my last semester at UML. I can 94% guarantee that! In general, sick of this fucking place. I know there are bigger things than this, and I want to start to search for the answers and chase the ideas. I want to be free. And if by some miracle, I have a significant other to do all this with.... well then, I will be happy in a form so pure, I've yet to experience.

Love is my kryptonite
Waiting. Trying to stay hopeful. But also not get so connected that it can kill me.


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Let's remember that there is beauty all around us

Lately, this entire world seems so broken to me. Especially in my local community, I have noticed the feeling of tension. Heaviness that won't go away. People that know me probably think I used the saying and idea of "heavy and light" too much. I fully understand life is both, but lately is has seemed mainly heavy. I hope you can't relate to that last sentence. I hope that you still see the beauty and the happiness all around us. The sun rises everyday, and I hope that means something to you. Smiling, and small kind gestures towards others can really mean a lot. But if life is heavy for you, know that you aren't alone in that. We are all here together. We are in this broken world, but we can learn how to make the best of it. Reaching out to a friend that is going through a hard time when you are too can be so tough. But there's an opportunity here to learn about how broken people help broken people. Reach out and accept it when others reach out to you. Take turns just venting, and know that you are there for each other. Talk. Let it out, because you don't have to keep it all built up inside. Relate to each other and help each other figure out how to get through this. Be a support system. When you're trying, I don't think there are bad conversations. The only bad conversations are the ones that aren't of existence. That allow the elephants to fill the room and the heaviness to drag us down even more. I just want to encourage you to be a little more hopeful, and reach out sometimes even after you already have and it didn't work out the way you wanted. You are not alone in any of this. We are here with you. Music is an amazing gift. Powerful music is good. Switchfoot has been playing a lot lately from these speakers. I encourage you to try something similar.


With hope,
Kevin

struggle

I pray and ask God to wake up. For I believe in him, but I don't believe he would be putting someone through this. So much pain. The weight of the world isn't on your shoulders, just your own weight. You can't lift it up at all. Only merely dragging it along, trying to get by. I honestly feel like I would only discredit the amount of loneliness if I tried to describe it. So I won't. It's not mine, so it's not fair of me to try.
I never before understood how someone so lonely and hurt could not answer the phone. You need more than a voice and comforting words. Someone to listen or talk to is much closer to loneliness on your scale compared to a feeling that is not shitty. Good doesn't seem possible yet, so for now, we settle with not shitty. How much longer can you go on like this? Something needs to be done. Change needs to happen. Called 911 and told them we need Hope and the support of a community because someone was dying. Called and called and called, but no one answered. It's not important until the heart stops beating, or is a few seconds away from doing so. It's almost like they are encouraging you to get to that point.
I have heard many difficult stories, and met souls that were nothing but heavy. But at least that was something. For you, it's just all become numb.
I want to help. FUCK!!!!! I Want to help SO FUCKING BAD. But I'm lost. Phone calls won't do it. You need someone there. Right now, it's hard for me to be that person. With me knowing that you have practically no one else to turn to, I won't let you down. I don't want to!!!!!! I will get in my car and be on my way before you are done asking. But.... maybe that's already to late. Maybe I'm already not there. And I want to be. More than any test score, and grade, any paycheck, and even any friendship I have up here. I want to be there for you more than I do for my own family. And I do love them.
But I don't know how. And I search and search and search for a way. I can't find one. It keeps me up at night. It haunts me in my dreams. GOD DAMN IT WHY CANT THE PAIN JUST FUCKING GO AWAY FOR YOU?!?!?!?!?! You once said you wish you could hug someone so tight you'd squeeze the pain out of them. I'd get a line of people out the door just to give you hugs, and I'd be at the beginning, middle, and back of it. And some other spots in between. But life's not that easy!!!! I like challenges, and I know there will always be unknowns, but can this please not be one of them? I can't stand it. I can't function. And this isn't about me, please don't get it all wrong. This is about you. About your pain, and the fact that it is more comfortable in your house than you ever will be. Why can't I just get rid of it for you? Why can't we find an answer? I don't even give a shit if it's me, but I want you or someone else to find an answer for you. Find a solution that will make this easier. Because you don't deserve to live like this. You don't deserve all the pain, and the lies, and the nights of crying alone. You shouldn't have to hide behind drugs so you can get through the day. You shouldn't have to try so hard to forget about your life. It's yours and you own it. And I want it to change for you so bad into something you want to own. And I know you do to. I see it in your eyes, even when you deny it with your words. Nobody can live like this. But I'm so happy you are struggling, only for the fact that you haven't given up. You have some tiny bit of hope. I don't know how, but I'm so thankful for it. I hope it doesn't burn out. I hope for the hope that your hopeful. And I want to do more than hope, but I don't know how. I always know how and I don't right now. I need help. I need people that can be there for you with me. The only places that I know of this are mental hospitals and Coco, FL. I vote for the latter. There's always another way though. Dear God, dear people, dear anything and everything that is good, or even tired of being bad; please help find it. Not for me, or anyone or thing else; expect for HER! SHE DESERVES IT!!!!!

It's hard for you to feel. I'm trying to feel for you just a little bit, right now.
Things need to change. Starting RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!!!!!

Always loving, because I really do mean that,
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