Don't forget to give hugs and tell people how much you care about them

I like this. I feel so much better about it than this summer. It ain't great yet, but who knows what'll happen. this is my life. its odd trying to take it all in. almost seems like im going with it all, and taking it in slowly. making new friends is always hard. the most compatible people can never meet, because it's just in their personality to be alone. why let people in or seem friendly when your not? opportunities are what we make them. So much here just asks me to forget about my past. to move on and consider this a new life. part of me wants to. part of me will never let go. i feel like so much of what i want to do is influenced on the past though. this is a new part of my life however. who knows what i'll make of it. who knows how i'll change. i know i can never let go. and i think im realizing that i dont have to let go of anything, but i can still move on a little bit. memories will always be there and i can go back to them whenever i need to. my heart is a whole different story. the scientists told me that they will probably create a robot that knows how to love before they figure out how exactly mine works. it's like there's a village in my heart. but there's two sides to the village along with an idiot just stuck in the middle of it all. i could look at all the bad aspects of this and probably end up back home with numerous future dates with a couple of couches in different offices. but i'm not. im surprisingly trying to be optimistic. my brain is starting up a lot of work and taking a few extra hours. my heart is getting a little bit of a rest.

<3

Sitting in my room becoming homesick.

I've never been good at saying good bye. I don't think I've ever been able to let go.
I'm a little scared, but I'm excited. I'm going to try to stay positive up there.
I'm going to miss a few people.
Other's I'm glad to get away from.
But I won't be gone forever.
I'm leaving soon.
I'm getting ready.
Can you hold it steady for one more night?
I'll be looking at the stars from a different angle.
Who's calling the shots when your strangled
by you own lies?
My heart is constantly pouring itself into this computer. And I'm not leaving any of that behind.
So I guess that's something.
I guess I've got something.

Packing all my memories in a suitcase.
<3

headlights and headaches

sometimes my head just pounds. it tells me i should just go to sleep and not even bother trying to write.

what is going to happen to me?
where will i be a year from now?
ten?
will i even be alive still?

there's no use to all of this
I'm just going to be a let down.
hero's never have slit wrist.

<3

Early mornings start at 9 for me

If I just started telling myself I'm over u and over getting hurt, would this all go away?



Dear words,
I've decided we are in an abusive relationship. But you'll stay won't you?


<3

I'm trying to be me, whoever that is...

i want to be original. but inconsistent. make life interesting, but not to much. it's so easy to forget who you are. We are so lost that sometimes we just basically let other people run our lives. But how good is life then?
Sometimes i wonder if i just keep people around so i have a life right now that i can run to when i'm sick of thinking about the past, or it gets too complicated. But what's weird, is that words i read off of this screen im staring at right now; can make me feel less alone than any person I am around on a daily basis. Is my life just sitting home and waiting for the next message?
Do you remember our hugs? cause i do. and i miss them. hell, i almost want to call you right now. but that would cause so much drama i would never come home from college and probably disown this town. i look at you, and the first word that comes to mind is empty. but i fell for it all. for over a year, i bought it. I believed all the lies. I thought that every tear drop and look of concern had meaning behind it. but i was so wrong. i get angry, i just want to write horrible things about you sometimes. but honestly, how can a human being really not care that much? i just don't get it. It's why i wonder if you're worse than me. at life. for lack of a better word right there. i still find myself attracted to you. Maybe it's my only (false) hope that i won't scream the pains of my first love. I used to go to you for help about that. But now you just make me realize how much i miss that.
Not even realizing it, but you still make me feel lonely everyday. I'm done seeing my therapist. Seeing I'm going up to college now. I wish i could say that i won't ever have to go back to one. But i feel like i will need to within a year. It's not bad i guess though. It's nice to have someone listen that really can't judge most of the time. That isn't stuck in the middle of all the same shit you dug yourself into.

<3

Where are you now?

in ten days i wont be around anyone i know. i wont have a close attachment to anyone. all i will do is think about the past. about my first love and how i lost is. and about the person i at one time called my best friend who, i feel, completely fucked me over. i will hopefully write a lot. songs will form. but they're actually only poetry. songs require music. and that's only in my head.

if you subtract .1% from love, i think i can describe how i feel about you.
i care so much. i care enough. if you think it's possible to care to much, then im the man to study and find out. im the one to test. cause i dont lie when id say i would die in a heart beat for you. its not completely caring though. dont think its all so sweet. i mean, part of the reason i would is just because i have no reason to live. i dont really feel worth it. everyday i kill my potential. what do you think about in the morning when you first wake up? the moon sifts the tides, but what about the blood in my heart? is it not getting enough, or maybe too much. im never going to be good for anything. either way.
no matter how much i help, if i hurt once, i feel like i've failed. myself and you.
because i know how much of a difference that one chance could make in a life.

all i want to do is help and figure out myself
all i want to do is help and hurt people
i guess its the same thing

we are a magnet. sometimes we attract each other. sometimes one of us will switch a side, and just push away the other person. it will always happen this way. it can't change. it's a fact.
<3

here's my second chance. lets hope i dont need a third.

i care more about the dog that lives across the street from you
but these pages always seemed to be filled up by you.
and when they're not, it feels like they should be.

so maybe i'll give this empty white space what it wants.
maybe i'll write you off over and over again
spend my whole life hoping that maybe one day you'll realize that you aren't better than me
its a goal
the lights tell me i shouldn't be outside.
but my heart tells me i shouldn't be here at all
im leaving soon
not soon enough for some.
for me, i can't decided.
i just feel a little better every night like this, because they make the words for into something more than sentences.
they become more reliable than you ever were

<3

the survival rate will be zero one day

im scared. i dont know what he's talking about. i wonder if the end is here for them. i always hoped that it would at least be a time when i was on track it would end. i really hope they stick through this again. i look at him as my role model. as the guardian. as so much more than i can put into words at this moment. they together, are my hope. they form the tempo that has lasted through everything i've gone through. they ARE my heartbeat. i dont want this to go down. id rather die before they do.


<3

The moon is making this night so comfortable

im sitting outside. had a staring contest with the moon. it won. i feel like i could sit out here all night. my eye lids would eventually fall shut. but there is something about this moon. the sky looks so different with it. full moons are a small part of what makes me feel home. some nights i dont know whether to write fuck off, or that i really miss you. its weird. do these days write my moods? maybe my friends do. i wish i never allowed how someone else felt control how i did. but i guess thats impossible without not caring. love. sometimes i just feel like saying it. maybe as a goal. maybe as a memory. maybe just to try to be like everyone else in the world and say it too much. i want to fly. just put a jet pack on and go forever. dye a star red so you'll never forget about the blood i've spilt over you. not in a haunting way. but in the way where we can learn something from everything. i want everyone to remember the past. i want everyone to remember me when they hear ____________. i want to just help people. i want to help myself. but more so i want to prove that i still care. dive in front of a car and die just pushing you out of the way. its hard to go through life. i am in charge of myself, but if you came back to me, would i still be? or would i let you take over? im the tortoise and your the hare. lets race. its sad how i still wonder if i've helped more people than i've hurt. I doubt i'll ever stop debating that question with myself. i hate how i transform what you call a great friendship into something so much more confusing. when did that start, the same time as the heart break begun or the same time as the constant feeling of being fucked? does it all go back to a girl? or just me? or my family? or a combination of everything twisted up so much that it couldn't be figured out even if i had 50 lifetimes? why do i even try to figure out the past, when the present isn't at a standstill. life is so confusing. sometimes we need someone else to write it for us. we just want to go to the shows and jump in the mosh. i want to think clearly again. i want to write my biggest fears as poetry. i want to share them with anyone that will listen. i want to make you happy again. i want to live.

<3

whats helping is hurting the most

it just doesn't make sense. sometimes we just need things to be just right. sometimes we need to be lied to.

if i scream out my fears
will you always hear?
if i died, would u cry?
tell me everything is perfect.
tell me you'll always be there.
someone will always care
you'll answer the phone every time i call.
you'll save me every time i fall.
feed me the lies cause it's all i know
they kill me inside, but they keep me alive
the doctors and pills
all because the truth kills

but tonight murder will happen
tonight, i dont care
im ready to die so take me
im ready to die, dont try to save me
how ever i go
you wont know

just do me one favor,
when im gone;
dont say it brought pain to your heart
you never really cared
if only i knew that from the start

i dont even know how to say it all. i always try. but im never right. what the fuck happened to that friendship? how can i say so many horrible things about you; but right now, miss you. how?
<3

yeah.....

right now my words just can't fit in with each other the right way. he brought tears to my eyes today. it felt weird, because sometimes old feelings become so old that they don't seem familiar. but i hope that feeling doesn't for awhile.

"two more weeks"* will always mean the world to me.

i dont even know how to describe today.
check back.
maybe i will be able to 2mrw.

<3

Sometimes it's so hard to move on

I feel lost. Sometimes i get scared that everything I think I've already figured out is wrong. And if that's true, then I'm left with nothing. I feel like I'm dying to be alone. But I can't resist getting out and getting together with people. Even when it's not what i really want to do. I have a hard time saying no.
I feel like I'm not getting anything figured out lately. I'm just stuck in this trap. I'm being sucked in, and I have no idea how to pull out. I love you to much to write shit about you. And I don't hate her enough to focus on it. So i wonder if I have anything worth really writing about. I'm lost. I care too much to say anything horrible. All I want to do is relive our past. It might be hard to believe, but in between the doctors visits, the scars, and the countless nights of feeling alone (whether or not i really am); I've looked for things better. I've tried to make better memories. I've tried, but I haven't. And I don't even know what I want. I have accepted I'll be alone. However, I feel like I'm losing the reason I'm being alone. The other people. I feel like I can't really help anyone right now. Like no one really needs help. And I'm just afraid that when I go to college there won't be anyone there that I will find that will come to me with problems. I mean actual problems, like feeling alone. I guess i think that by this age, everyone has either accepted it or dealt with it or changed. No one is left like me. Since I lost my first love, one thing has helped me to keep going, and that's helping other people. But right now I feel like nobody really needs me. Right now I feel kinda of useless. This isn't a feeling I can write about and make into a song. This is the feeling that leads to a true tragic ending.
I'm not ready to move on. I'm waiting to fall back. I want to fall hard. But it's like when your getting a shot at the doctors. You know it's good and it's going to help, but its natural for you to wince and not want it because you know it will initially hurt. I'm not saying I want to literally fall obviously, but i want to fall away from everyone. I want to put up a temporary barrier so strong that a car couldn't drive through it. A door that not even chuck norris himself could kick down. But every time I hear somebody knocking, I can't help but get up and peak to see who it is. And most of the time I'll end up letting them in. I feel lost from myself. Im used to being lost from everyone else, but this.... this is new.

<3

im like gravity, i just always drag everyone else down

we cant push away from each other completely. i wish we could sometimes. sometimes i wish we could work everything out. you could write all of this same stuff about me. but please tell me, should i put some effort into us and try to fix this friendship, or just move on and try to forget you without letting my heart hurt anymore from you and our hopeless plans that always find a way of slipping through the cracks and falling through. we dont know. not enough strength to move on, but not enough to take an initiative to get together and fix this either. We are just stuck in this hole. and we go on.

this is the mess im in. along with so many fears about college. and so much other shit. sometimes things get to us, sometimes they dont.


lost
<3

Fragile Future is my heartbeat right now

feeling lost and lonely everyday and every night. but i'm getting through them. you really have to push away everything and everyone to do what you want to some times. it's hard to do. wish i could just escape for a few days with nothing but this laptop, my notebooks, and headphones. lay under the stars at night. think about everything and then think again.

this cd has made me realize that when we broke up, afterwards... there were times i did feel completely hopeless. times that my first love was really pretty much dead to me.
think about that. then maybe you can start to understand me.

but i guess all i'd like to die with is having more figured out about myself then anyone else has figured out about me. cause that's what im trying to do the most here. with all of this. figure me out.

i hope i don't fuck up yet another friendship. so far, looking for love the same place i look for comfort, sympathy and sorrow hasn't worked for me. i can look at it as, i'll always care too much rather than too little. but i dont want to fuck up somebody else's life. i dont want to get too close. i want to feel like this. until true love comes back, or until i die.

Go buy Hawthrone Heights new cd right now. I dont give a shit what you're doing, or what time it is. There's a fucking 24 hour wall mart around you somewhere. Just be nice to the underpaid people working there. or if your not, at least make a video and put it on youtube so the rest of us can laugh.

<3

is life really what you think?

i've realized that i'm so lost i have to just ignore some of the questions i ask myself. i have to lie to myself and pretend that i have some things figured out right now. because with what i actually have figured out, it'll take me lifetimes to understand just a little bit of what i'd love to. some im taking a new approach. trying to really clear my head and just write for a few days. go back and look at everything i've wrote. change things. make it into songs. this and that.
dont ever keep your emotions inside.

i hope i never wake up and become everything that i dont want to be right now.
help me help myself.
let me feel alone again for a little while.
come back pain, just for a few days.
searching for misery to bring me back to what i felt.
completely lost
im doing it for me
and im doing it for them

my best line is always going to be whatever the last thing said was the last time we spoke.
but my best verse, im hoping that is formed tomm.

<3

today i want to write 40 songs

almost called you today so i could remember what it feels like to be betrated

how does it work?
how does one man that I've never actually talked to, never sat in a room with, and only know about through the internet make such an impact in my life?

spend today alone. that way i'll know i won't be the only one doing so. think about your life, your friends, and everything important to you. make sure it's all going okay and in the directions you want.

<3

U'll always have me beat by one

all of this. the songs the shows the music, the stupid shit that is done, the friends. Even on it's best day; when you add it all up, it fall shorts of love.

trying to remember how to be alone. I want it, but I don't want the pain. And all I've been getting the past month is pain strictly in the form of truth. I've started realizing how hard it is to get a band and go somewhere with it. My mind has had battles trying to make me realize that it probably won't happen. and my heart needs a break. maybe it won't happen. those 4 words make me feel more worthless then "i don't love you".

wipe off the blood
just to throw in the towel
i try to keep going because
frankly, this is all i know
we never had a candlelight dinner
and i know now she's the winner
cause all i have is this
and it's something
but it's not a first kiss

first kiss
to bloody wrist
how'd i get here?
what path did i take
by the end of this year
will i still feel fake?
im the mistake
filled with hate
heart's a 20 pound weight
ask life to wait
call my future,
tell it i'll be late

college
scaresme
<3