The moon is making this night so comfortable

im sitting outside. had a staring contest with the moon. it won. i feel like i could sit out here all night. my eye lids would eventually fall shut. but there is something about this moon. the sky looks so different with it. full moons are a small part of what makes me feel home. some nights i dont know whether to write fuck off, or that i really miss you. its weird. do these days write my moods? maybe my friends do. i wish i never allowed how someone else felt control how i did. but i guess thats impossible without not caring. love. sometimes i just feel like saying it. maybe as a goal. maybe as a memory. maybe just to try to be like everyone else in the world and say it too much. i want to fly. just put a jet pack on and go forever. dye a star red so you'll never forget about the blood i've spilt over you. not in a haunting way. but in the way where we can learn something from everything. i want everyone to remember the past. i want everyone to remember me when they hear ____________. i want to just help people. i want to help myself. but more so i want to prove that i still care. dive in front of a car and die just pushing you out of the way. its hard to go through life. i am in charge of myself, but if you came back to me, would i still be? or would i let you take over? im the tortoise and your the hare. lets race. its sad how i still wonder if i've helped more people than i've hurt. I doubt i'll ever stop debating that question with myself. i hate how i transform what you call a great friendship into something so much more confusing. when did that start, the same time as the heart break begun or the same time as the constant feeling of being fucked? does it all go back to a girl? or just me? or my family? or a combination of everything twisted up so much that it couldn't be figured out even if i had 50 lifetimes? why do i even try to figure out the past, when the present isn't at a standstill. life is so confusing. sometimes we need someone else to write it for us. we just want to go to the shows and jump in the mosh. i want to think clearly again. i want to write my biggest fears as poetry. i want to share them with anyone that will listen. i want to make you happy again. i want to live.

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