4 days/Saying farewell

The last couple of weeks have been amazing. I have spent so many days and nights hanging out with people that mean a lot to me. People that I have known for years and people that I've really started to get to know recently. I've had some really great conversations. A few friends have really opened up to me, and I am thankful for that. I wonder how many have started opening up just because they know I'm leaving, and they figure we won't stay in touch (oh trust me, we will!). But I hope it's not for that reason. Being vulnerable is so hard, but so many great things can come out of it; and I've felt and seen this the past couple of weeks. Difficult conversations can end in great positive ways. It's been a privilege getting to know the people I have, and becoming closer with friends.
I think most importantly (for me) it's been great that I've learned how to have fun again. I can hang out with friends and relax and just have a good time. And by have a good time, I don't mean drink. I mean just hang out and laugh, and tell stories, and go on adventures, and making fun of each other, and watching Disney movies, and playing ultimate frisbee in a blizzard, and going in a hot tub in a blizzard, and making the best of sitting in a broken down car on the side of the highway for 2 hours, and playing games, and having foam sword fights in the mall. I'm so glad I've been able to have fun. I feel like for awhile I forgot how to do that.
When I figured I was probably going to Florida, I wanted to have a night where everyone I knew could come together and meet each other. Probably have a few bands there playing music. Do some fun games. Do some cool activities that would allow people to get to know each other. I wanted to do this not because I wanted to be the "focus" of a night and I wanted a night all about me; but rather because I wanted community. I was leaving here, but I wanted a strong community without me. I wanted people to get to know each other. To become friends, to hang out and have fun. And most importantly, to be there for each other when they needed someone. Every minute your feeling alone, there's someone else that's not too far away and not too much different than you feeling alone too. And there's always a lot of people that want to be there, and support, and help, and learn and love. I want to encourage this to happen.
The event didn't happen, but I feel like the community has in a sense, and I HOPE it continues to!!!! I hope people reach out to each other. To share their stories, and invite others to become a part of them. Reaching out can be hard, but I do it so much and I love it. Sometimes I don't think about it, or try to find a reason, I just do it! I'll pick up my phone and call and text people and say positive things and ask how they are or make plans to hang out soon. Everyone has that one "safety" outlet to cope. That one crutch you can go to when you are having a struggle with something. For me, it's people. It's friends, and conversations, and not being alone. It's also music. I think having people as a crutch is the best way. Not the easiest at all, but defiantly the best! We are so powerful. You as a person are more powerful than you could ever imagine!!!!!! Remember that.
I want to end with this. I hope that I can go out on the road doing some speaking things with TWLOHA. I want to share my blog "Struggle" with people. I want people to have an extreme feeling, and I want to pull people into this organization. Some are skeptical because it can almost seem like we are making these issues a trend. These issues happen, they have, and they always will. People struggle, life is hard. However, we don't want to make these issues a trend. We don't want people to stay connected to these issues. We want COMMUNITY and Conversations. We want people to stay connected with people!!! We want everyone to CARE about people. We hope that in situations when needed, your friend, or family member will come first. No matter what else you are doing. Care about people. This is why we live. To go through life together. So let's do that as much as we can. I'm going to in Cocoa. I'm going to try to get to know so many people so much; and also continue to try to make myself a better person. I hope where ever you are and whatever you're doing, you try to do that to.

Peace to you tonight,
< 3

First, Read this blog. It's way better than anything I've written

http://askheychris.livejournal.com/

He's so real, he's so honest. It's so respectable. This guy is just, wow. Words aren't fitting.
Currently sleeping over a friends house. I wish I met this girl months ago, if not years ago. I feel like at the least, she's the super close best friend I've never had. I'm usually not okay with "doing nothing" when hanging out with someone. And I know I need to work on that. And I know she makes me feel comfortable chilling and "doing nothing". Driving an hour up here in a blizzard to hang out with her is so worth it. She's asleep on the other couch in the room right now. I'll b sleeping soon (I hope).
We went in a hot tub outside tonight. 90% of my body felt so warm and relaxed while my face was getting hit with snow. It was a great experience. I loved it. Though the ten seconds of getting out of the hot tub to getting to the house, including walking through the snow... yeah, you can bet that SUCKED!!!!! But overall, it was fun.
I'm leaving in 7 days. It's becoming so real. I'm wondering what/who I'm going to miss the most. I'd say it's her, but I think we are just going to keep getting closer and do a great job at staying in touch. So I wonder... what am I going to miss? I kinda think/hope that I'll be so busy I won't miss much. I wonder how much I'm going to miss my family. I'll tell ya, Christmas this year went pretty well. Our whole family was actually getting along and having fun at our Grandparents house. (see pic below)
I just want the change to happen. I don't want to sit here and think about it. I want to be down there. I don't want to worry, or make assumptions, or have expectations. I just want to go. So this last week is going to be hard. Especially seeing hanging out with this new friend has been the main thing I'm loving doing everyday, but she's leaving Tuesday. Maybe it's so I'm going to know how others will feel about me leaving. Cause I know saying bye to her will suck.
But overall, life is great. I really mean that, and I'm really accepting and believing that. Thinking of the good things.
Movies we watched tonight: Bug's Life (Disney old school), Radio, Up (Disney). In case you're bored and have an hour or two to spare....


http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=619537854426&set=t.41508391

With hope and warmth and hugs tonight,
<3

We go back to art: to songs, poems, and paintings because they're real.

If we right a song, and we believe the words behind it so true that we will scream them into a microphone; then it feels real to us. This is why songs feel like home. Because in life you get lost so much. Descartes spent a lot of his life trying to find one truth, one answer. He decided that the one truth is "You can't doubt doubt, because then you are doubting" This is true. But it's confusing, and it's hard to be able to apply that to the problems in our own lives. So maybe our "one truth" in todays world is art. Maybe it's seeing the painting the just shows colors so bright and intertwined that it is so real to us. Maybe it's listening to words be spoken through a microphone; and hearing the pain behind them, and the questions, and then hope.
A lot of times, I write because I want to feel something real. I want to know that in the mess of things, I believe at least what I'm writing is something that is true to me. I think it can help. I also think I need a nap. Stay tuned.


<3

Feel like writing right now, feels good to say that

Having some good conversations tonight. Going to briefly write this now, because I'm getting tired. Then I'll go back to it soon.

Someone is struggling. If we stay in their life and keep loving and supporting them, but they are changing... it can feel like we are enabling them to stay the way they are in a way.
But if we leave, there's going to be less hope, and faith, and trust.

This might seem simple. but I'm diving into it headfirst deeper and deeper. Writing this down helps. Fo sho. I'm going to try to write more. You should too! It's great.


< 3

I'm a people person

I love people. I love being around people. I want to meet up and have open, honest conversations every single day of my life. I want to share stories. Talk about things that can be hard to talk about. I continuously self-evaluate myself. I know I can always be a better person, and I always try to be. I think about myself on a very deep level, and I love to talk about that with other people that do the same. But it's hard to have these conversations. I don't want to think that people are shallow and just don't think like that... but I think they're maybe scared? Maybe when a lot of us start to self-evaluate, we hate what we see, we don't like who we are. I've been there, I still am sometimes. It's so hard to face that, especially alone. To be honest, I still don't like the person I am. If you want to know more about that, ask me "why" when we are talking sometime. I'll talk about it. I want this post to have a bigger meaning than me though. But why do we run away from that? Why don't we take time to self-evaluate. It's hard. I know that.
But people don't, and it seems like they just walk through life. Not really caring, not really happy. It can be hard to do this. It can be hard to really care, to be emotional. People put their jobs, their school work, some hobby first. But what if we put people first? What if we tried to care about others. What if we weighed our accomplishments in a day not by how much we got done at work, or that we finished a paper, or earned this much money; but by the conversations we had? How we got to know someone, if we helped someone or not, or what we learned about ourselves? And I don't mean in the shallow sense of that. Who the person really is. It can start with questions like, where are you from? what do you do for fun? what's your favorite sport? what's your favorite band? BUT IT CAN GO DEEPER!!!! How are you, really? What is your biggest fear right now? What's your dreams, what are you doing to make them real? I feel like it's hard for us to show we really care a lot of the times. We all do, I'm not saying there are bad people out there in the world. I think people get tired though, and worn out, and sick of stuff, and exhausted. I think everybody wants to do in a job in which they feel like they are making a difference. I think everybody either expresses they care or deep down want to. But I wish we as a society pushed ourselves more. I remind you, I constantly self-evaluate. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to be a better person. What if instead of going to help out at a soup kitchen on thanksgiving day, we did it once a week? What if instead of dropping $20 into The Salvation army bin, we used that to go take a homeless person out to dinner? Had a nice meal and a conversation with them? Got to know them and learn their struggles. Then maybe tried to help them if they weren't happy. See what we could do to make them happy. I try to not get too attached to possessions. If I ever start to bitch about losing something or that I don't have something, please remind me of all of the people less fortunate than me in the sense of possessions. I want to go over to Africa so bad. I want to learn the culture and see what makes people that have to walk for miles just to get water want to keep living. Because I think they fucking get it better than any of us reading this on a computer ever will. By it I mean life, I mean the bigger picture, I mean the tough questions. I mean all of "it".
I hope people start to do more good things. I think it starts with conversations. I want to meet the people that when I ask, what are you passionate about? They don't say "the red sox", but instead "trying to end sex-trafficking". Good can come out of everything. I understand the Red Sox can give people hope, that at the end of a long day sitting down and watching a ball game can be unwinding and relaxing. But so can grabbing coffee and having a conversation. I guarantee you, if instead of sitting down and watching TV for an hour, you go help out at a Soup Kitchen, you will feel better at the end of that night. Yes, it'll feel awkward walking in there for the first time, but a happiness can come from that. And it's so much more valuable than the excitement of watching a team win the world series. Or at least I think it should be to you. I never try to tell people what to do. And I understand in this post, I am a little bit. I'm being a little shallow minded, and maybe parts of this frustrate you. But try to see the good in this. Try. Read it again with an open mind. I'm self-evaluating, and I'm going to try to make these thoughts more organized and more open and welcoming. I've turned down and blown off going to parties plenty of times when friend's have asked. However, I've never said no to going with a friend to help somebody in a way that I think is meaningful and doing good. I'll work on that, and I'll try to make a difference in somebody's day today. What are you going to do?
If your hesitant, cause I have been lately, here's another thought process I'm struggling with lately: I help people a lot, but sometimes I wonder what's the point? If you aren't truly broken down, you won't change. I've had conversations with people, and they feel better about themselves, but then the next friday, they are out getting drunk at a party and they haven't done anything worthwhile. They they didn't develop a true care for people. I feel like there wasn't a point in these situations. Was there? I think there needs to be a larger and more well-known community that supports people to do good things. Because without that, we fall right back into the old ones. I have a lot of questions and struggles in my head right now. My heart is heavy. While you're sleeping at night, I'm thinking about the girl who is a few blocks away fucking some guy that paid her $100 because it's come to this so she doesn't feel alone, or so she can put food on the table for her kid. And I don't know her story, but I want to. I want to go ask those questions and learn about why she's living the life she is.
About 2 months ago, I was at a therapy session, and was asked "what do you do for fun?" I didn't have an answer. "wow, um, nothing I think. But having conversations with people relaxes me, and that makes me feel real. I guess that's the closest I can get to fun?" I'm sorry, but this is a broken world. I try to never ignore that. We live here and if we understand the pain, we can help make a difference and turn it into something better. I hope that more people try to turn this into something better.

Read a new blog tonight. HEYCHRIS from FOB.

Really good stuff. The past 6 nights, I've drank at least one beer. Helps me fall asleep I guess. Tonight, I haven't. I stopped that, because I know it was going to get out of hand. So maybe that's why it's 4am and I'm still awake. But I'm not sure. I feel good though right now. Just stood out on the balcony for ten minutes. Lowell in general, especially the view form my balcony isn't anything special at all. But it felt good to feel the cold air. Maybe thats why I like going outside this time of year late at night with a coffee. Feeling cold and warm. A constant mix, cause that's why life is. And just feeling something and knowing I am feeling it. Maybe that's my minor little thing I do instead of cutting. But yeah, anyway... I kinda wanna make coffee and stay up all night. But there's not much else to do. Lowell isn't the place I wanna go for a walk at 4am alone. I'm not in the mood to go for a drive. And tv will put me to sleep. So I guess I'm just going to choose sleep anyway. Trying to make sure that helping others doesn't become an overwhelming part of my life again where emotions are so attached. Almost at the point where I can say that's not happening right now.


Hope the days have steadily been "not shitty" so much that you are starting to think "okay" is possible.
Maybe I shouldn't have wrote that, but I did. Too late. If it backfires, it's 4am and that's my excuse. And that I was sober.


< 3

Want to know the real me?

This is my life. Sitting in my apartment at school on a Friday night lonely. Thinking of love, and even lust. Remember the times when I didn't feel this alone. I'm not okay being alone. And I'm not in the mood to go get drunk. No group of people up here I'd even want to with. And I feel like that'll just lead to me hitting on girls because I'm lonely. This is my blog, so I'm going to be fucking honest: I wish I didn't meet so many girls going through shit. I wish I could just meet a girl that's doing okay, and could actually like me for who I am and trust me, and believe in a relationship. I'm looking for love in all the wrong places. And I don't know how things will happen. Except I just hope they will. This whole blog could be me having the courage enough to be real because there's alcohol in my system. Or maybe it's not true because of that. I'm a 20 year old kid waiting to accept my dream job and go start a new life. But I'm fucking scared shitless. And nights like this, I have to sit here and try to think of reasons to stay alive. Reasons to not grab a sharp object and go back to the way things were 3 years alone. You think I'm okay, but I'm the best liar I know. Tomorrow I'll hopefully be hanging out with a good friend. And maybe he can help me make a little more sense of myself. Life's only boring if you have your eyes closed going through it. I feel like that's a positive statement, and it just came to my mind. Doesn't go along with the rest of this, but I'm going to leave it in there anyway. Loving the bands that write about misery, but are able to make music their life, and have fun playing songs that are about heavy hearts. A good balance of the way life should be in a sense. Started playing my bass again this week. It has helped. But it's not quite good enough. Need something more. What that is, well I don't know. If I did, I would be stuck sitting here alone at midnight drowning in misery.
I give and give and give and put up walls, that people just kind of assume I'm okay somehow. That they either are just getting help from me, so they don't really ask about myself. Or they have asked, but I put up walls. I'm waiting for someone to come break them down.

What if every single thing I've written and thought of for every other person, I've thought for myself too?
< 3

Getting back into this I guessed

Spent late last night watching FOB videos and reading old journals of Pete Wentz. I got to see my dog today. That was exciting. Got to drive around with a friend that I hadn't seen in months.
And I realize this blog isn't different. It isn't great. Probably not even good. And I want it to be. It can be real and great. But I just don't know how to be real. I don't know what to type right now, but the feeling of my fingers running across this keyboard make me feel just a little more okay. So I'm just going to keep doing it. Saw you in my dreams last night. It was in the future and you and I were together. Made pancakes this afternoon for breakfast. Ran to the store to get milk, then drank coffee instead. I wonder how much you think of me. I wonder how much anyone does. I wonder how I could be more hopeful. Tomorrow will be good. Tomorrow night will decide if I'll still feel that way. Going to be meeting up with some good people again hopefully. Shall be fun. Maybe seeing others first. I don't know. If you hold me long enough and say you love me, I'll be yours. It's that simple right now, because most nights I feel like a lone man wolf pack. That's lost. And It's winter. I could go on and on, but you get the point.

Don't expect those to be there for you that you are there for them. They are too busy going through their own shit. We all need people that are either okay enough to talk to, or just great at faking the fact.
Almost called her today so I could remember what lust feels like, and then compare it to this. If it came up short, how'd you feel?

I feel like I don't know how to write about life or questions as much as I do love and girls that I can't quite get. I'm going back to bad habbits now. Time to stop and sleep. Non of this probably made sense. If so, disregard.

<3

insomnia

Can't sleep can't sleep can't sleep. This sucks. I'm sick of it. I get home at 330am, but I can't fall asleep. I do not feel okay. I haven't this whole semester. I don't feel wanted up here. I just really don't at all. Sometimes when I go home I do a little, others not at all.
Even during the day, I have a lot of stuff I could be doing. But no motivation. I had UChapter stuff I could've done this afternoon. Even after the great meeting yesterday, I just didn't have any motivation for it. It's bad. Something is wrong. I know it. I can feel it.

As fucked as it is to say... I feel like I don't want to leave and go down to Coco. I don't want to leave certain things up here, certain people. I shouldn't run away from my problems. And I could do a lot in this area. I know that. I could have support. I could get by. Probably even be happy. I'm getting very well connected up here. And I'm soooooo scared that if I leave, I won't be able to be there for some people. I'm scared I'm going to end up on a plane home to go to a funeral like other TWLOHA employees have had to do because a friend died by suicide. I would never be okay again if that happened. Thinking particularly about two people right now. Focused on one more so. I'm not going to get a good nights sleep until I know she's getting the help she needs. And there's that little part of me that wants to see what will happen. It was God's choice that I was called a father. I will not ignore that, or him. I won't. I'm listening to it and it's in the back of my head; also resting in my heart. Though right now, her words don't mean as much. At least I try to not take them to mean as much. Because I know whoever she is right now, it's not the real her. I want to see what she's like after getting some help. Not fixed, no, not that at all. There is something beautiful about being broken. But I think she might get this. And in my head I do. I don't want to try to explain more. Because I know I might not word something correctly, and I don't want it to be offensive. But I'm just stuck on this. Waiting to see what happens next. Waiting. Scared. Scared a little bit too. Okay, maybe a lot. I really have trouble falling asleep. : /

This will be my last semester at UML. I can 94% guarantee that! In general, sick of this fucking place. I know there are bigger things than this, and I want to start to search for the answers and chase the ideas. I want to be free. And if by some miracle, I have a significant other to do all this with.... well then, I will be happy in a form so pure, I've yet to experience.

Love is my kryptonite
Waiting. Trying to stay hopeful. But also not get so connected that it can kill me.


<3

Let's remember that there is beauty all around us

Lately, this entire world seems so broken to me. Especially in my local community, I have noticed the feeling of tension. Heaviness that won't go away. People that know me probably think I used the saying and idea of "heavy and light" too much. I fully understand life is both, but lately is has seemed mainly heavy. I hope you can't relate to that last sentence. I hope that you still see the beauty and the happiness all around us. The sun rises everyday, and I hope that means something to you. Smiling, and small kind gestures towards others can really mean a lot. But if life is heavy for you, know that you aren't alone in that. We are all here together. We are in this broken world, but we can learn how to make the best of it. Reaching out to a friend that is going through a hard time when you are too can be so tough. But there's an opportunity here to learn about how broken people help broken people. Reach out and accept it when others reach out to you. Take turns just venting, and know that you are there for each other. Talk. Let it out, because you don't have to keep it all built up inside. Relate to each other and help each other figure out how to get through this. Be a support system. When you're trying, I don't think there are bad conversations. The only bad conversations are the ones that aren't of existence. That allow the elephants to fill the room and the heaviness to drag us down even more. I just want to encourage you to be a little more hopeful, and reach out sometimes even after you already have and it didn't work out the way you wanted. You are not alone in any of this. We are here with you. Music is an amazing gift. Powerful music is good. Switchfoot has been playing a lot lately from these speakers. I encourage you to try something similar.


With hope,
Kevin

struggle

I pray and ask God to wake up. For I believe in him, but I don't believe he would be putting someone through this. So much pain. The weight of the world isn't on your shoulders, just your own weight. You can't lift it up at all. Only merely dragging it along, trying to get by. I honestly feel like I would only discredit the amount of loneliness if I tried to describe it. So I won't. It's not mine, so it's not fair of me to try.
I never before understood how someone so lonely and hurt could not answer the phone. You need more than a voice and comforting words. Someone to listen or talk to is much closer to loneliness on your scale compared to a feeling that is not shitty. Good doesn't seem possible yet, so for now, we settle with not shitty. How much longer can you go on like this? Something needs to be done. Change needs to happen. Called 911 and told them we need Hope and the support of a community because someone was dying. Called and called and called, but no one answered. It's not important until the heart stops beating, or is a few seconds away from doing so. It's almost like they are encouraging you to get to that point.
I have heard many difficult stories, and met souls that were nothing but heavy. But at least that was something. For you, it's just all become numb.
I want to help. FUCK!!!!! I Want to help SO FUCKING BAD. But I'm lost. Phone calls won't do it. You need someone there. Right now, it's hard for me to be that person. With me knowing that you have practically no one else to turn to, I won't let you down. I don't want to!!!!!! I will get in my car and be on my way before you are done asking. But.... maybe that's already to late. Maybe I'm already not there. And I want to be. More than any test score, and grade, any paycheck, and even any friendship I have up here. I want to be there for you more than I do for my own family. And I do love them.
But I don't know how. And I search and search and search for a way. I can't find one. It keeps me up at night. It haunts me in my dreams. GOD DAMN IT WHY CANT THE PAIN JUST FUCKING GO AWAY FOR YOU?!?!?!?!?! You once said you wish you could hug someone so tight you'd squeeze the pain out of them. I'd get a line of people out the door just to give you hugs, and I'd be at the beginning, middle, and back of it. And some other spots in between. But life's not that easy!!!! I like challenges, and I know there will always be unknowns, but can this please not be one of them? I can't stand it. I can't function. And this isn't about me, please don't get it all wrong. This is about you. About your pain, and the fact that it is more comfortable in your house than you ever will be. Why can't I just get rid of it for you? Why can't we find an answer? I don't even give a shit if it's me, but I want you or someone else to find an answer for you. Find a solution that will make this easier. Because you don't deserve to live like this. You don't deserve all the pain, and the lies, and the nights of crying alone. You shouldn't have to hide behind drugs so you can get through the day. You shouldn't have to try so hard to forget about your life. It's yours and you own it. And I want it to change for you so bad into something you want to own. And I know you do to. I see it in your eyes, even when you deny it with your words. Nobody can live like this. But I'm so happy you are struggling, only for the fact that you haven't given up. You have some tiny bit of hope. I don't know how, but I'm so thankful for it. I hope it doesn't burn out. I hope for the hope that your hopeful. And I want to do more than hope, but I don't know how. I always know how and I don't right now. I need help. I need people that can be there for you with me. The only places that I know of this are mental hospitals and Coco, FL. I vote for the latter. There's always another way though. Dear God, dear people, dear anything and everything that is good, or even tired of being bad; please help find it. Not for me, or anyone or thing else; expect for HER! SHE DESERVES IT!!!!!

It's hard for you to feel. I'm trying to feel for you just a little bit, right now.
Things need to change. Starting RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!!!!!

Always loving, because I really do mean that,
<3

This felt good to write today. My life lately.

Hold on and I will make this worth your while. I will show you every single beautiful thing in this world. We will sit in one spot for hours and watch nature be the miracle that it is. We will have the time of day, and night, and the next day to give to it. For in every moment that you feel alone, there’s a better one coming. And for every question you have, well, you won’t always find answers. But you can find another heavy soul searching for them to. And when you find out you can scream the question from the mountaintop with someone else; that’s an answer in itself. Tears fall from my eyes every night, or at least I wish they did. These days the emotions just get trapped inside. Do you know what it’s like to want nothing more to just cry, but you can’t? This isn’t the worst life. It’s just mine. And I want to be happy so I can help others be happier. But I want to find a body that doesn’t feel okay unless the arms attached to it are around me. And that doesn’t show that it’s weak, that’s strength that you can’t compare to anything else. 300 tons is insignificant at this point. Hearts have felt heavier. And sometimes the only way to get all that weight off isn’t a good way. Lives end too quickly. You can blame them until you hear the story they left behind. Then there’s nothing left but questions that you won’t find the answers to. You are all stuck there in the silence that is louder than any rock concert you’ve ever been to. But go find a mountaintop, stand on it at night, look up at the stars, and ask away.

this doesn't come so easily to me lately

it's difficult for me to write. I've been in a funk most of this summer it seems like. I'm lost.

Trying to be happy.

I haven't been myself lately. I'm not as out going, or friendly or hopeful. Some friends I just don't give a fuck about. Others I really do but I feel like I'm not showing that to them. Life's hard.

Wisconsin in 3 days. Get to get away from all of this shit, and see a good friend for the first time. : )

< 3

wow, it's been awhile.

So I realize it's been awhile since I update, and I do have a bit on my mind. First, just let me say MOVE was amazing. I won't try to describe it, cause I won't do it justice.

I had to push someone out of my life that I'm close to. But it's for the best for right now. Life is seasons, and hopefully down the road we can be friends. It sucks having that empty space though. It sucks getting over someone. I'm going to write about it for a few sentences, and then never again. Cause 4 years ago I wrote about it way too much. Actually fuck it, I'm not going to write at all. Just don't want to get hurt.

Every time I get real down and no one comes closer, I start to push people away. I start to treat the most vulnerable people like shit and push them away the most. I realized I started doing that again. But I think I've stopped. I had a good day today for the most part. I'm looking forward to a trip in 12 days, to Soulfest, and then school. I'm looking forward to interning for TWLOHA next summer. Yes I'll be interning.
I can't spend another summer at home. I'm so fucking miserable here. Mainly because of my family. Yeah, they are great, and I know they love me and care about me. But we don't understand each other, and it just doesn't work. I tell them I'm going to intern next summer and all they do is talk about money. I just wish they'd be happy for me for 2 seconds. I don't give a fuck about money when it's in comparison to doing things that I care about. And I have some good friends around here, but it's not a great community.

I'm lost. I'm not thinking how I normally do. Hopefully I find the track back on stuff soon.

UChapter officer meeting the other day though, that kinda felt like home.

Take care until next time,
< 3

I went on a swing today. It was awesome.

2 seconds took away from my awesome night.

I should just push you out of my life right now. I really should. Doesn't have to be forever, but at least for a while. I feel like shit sometimes. I get really down. I'm not hopeful. I'm not myself. I have really shitty nights. I'm addicted to this shit though. Or am I? I know I should get away. I really believe it. That's a start isn't it? We shall see.

MOVE in less than 2 weeks. Then Bam Road Show and seeing Chloe. I'm excited for all of that. I'm trying to be at least.

< 3

Stick through tough times, take action when you need to

Tonight I was able to breath okay for the first time in awhile. I feel good. : )


I hope today was good for you. I hope 2mrw is better.

< 3

I believe love is the best thing life has to offer

I've heard the saying the good things don't come easy. From what I've learned so far in life, I'd like to think thats true. This is about me, about my life, and the people in it, and what's going on right now. Let me first say that sometimes I'm very strong-headed and I can take an extreme opinion. I realize this, but it also makes me who I am:
I used to do nothing but take words and use them to hurt people. I'd write you off over and over again until you were almost as fucked in the head as I was. Because I'd keep writing, and you'd keep reading. I've learned how hurtful words can be. Tonight I was reminded of that. I said something along the lines a week or so ago about how I don't like living here, I miss Lowell, I want to live in a community of awesome friends, I want to go down to Florida. There are a lot of people I don't like in this town. There are people I hang around with and talk to because there's no one better to. I am living with my family, and as much as I can hope that we will become closer, I'm also realistic and realize we probably won't. What I mean out of this is that I don't feel I have a community here, and I don't feel I have a purpose. Between my own life, and the friends I meet and can try to talk to and support, life can be very heavy and very difficult sometimes. I want to have a group of people in my life that I feel like I can fall on. So I know I'll be able to get through things. At school, I have Analissa who I talk to almost everyday. I also hang out with Mike and the 3 of us have a blast and some good conversations. I have my friend Chris C who's a couple of towns over that I can always hang out with and learn more about life and myself and everything! I have a friend Alessandra who I can also talk to about stuff and sometimes just go grab coffee with. I miss all of that.
(Fuck this is hard to write).
At home I don't have a lot of people. I have an amazing girl in my life, and she means more than anyone else. I care about her so much it scares me. She's the reason I haven't said "fuck it" and moved back up to Lowell for the summer. Life is interesting with her, in so many good ways. She is beautiful. She is amazing. Sometimes she asks me why I'm in her life, because she's so broken. I always give some cheep answer. But I feel like I couldn't find the write words to explain it to her that would make sense and be okay. But not being able to find those words, that's okay to me. We have a lot we can learn about each other and I hope we can walk through life together at least to some extent.
I wish I could live up in Lowell with her. It'd be the best of both worlds. I miss Lowell the most at times that I'm worried about her, or something with us, because I don't really feel like I have anyone to talk to; or any support. One of my close friends just says I need to get laid. What kind of shitty advice is that? I don't want to random go fuck someone. Ya, maybe my dick does. But I'd like to think I'm better than that. That I don't need that. And I'm searching for support and advice and sometimes it's hard to find. I know I have a couple of people but it's hard to find.
Here we go. I'll admit it. I hate that I'm working this summer. I'm sitting on my ass at a beach, and mowing some lawns. That's doing jack shit to change the world. I want to do more. I feel lost.

There's more to say, but I'm falling asleep. Maybe I'll finish 2mrw.
But know this:
I'm scared. I'm scared as fuck, because of this thing called love.
I've wanted to cry for a few weeks now. But there's no point if there isn't anyone to hold you. So I'm holding it in until that day.


I'm flawed. I'm fucked up. I'm wrong sometimes. But I'm me. I'm trying to learn and I'm trying to live. Do it with me?
< 3
Kevin

Today went okay, considering

Letting out emotions through words and tears was better than going crazy in a mosh this afternoon.


Well see what the future holds.
< 3

Waiting for the car crash on the ride home once again : )

It was a great day.
Trying to take things slow. Trying.
She said a certain song makes her think of me. I didn't want to tell her, but the same song always makes me think of her.
I'm learning. I'm LIVING LIFE.

It's great.
There are a lot of broken people in this world. I'm reminded of that everyday. I hope I can be there for everyone that needs me.
I really do.

< 3

I seem to only remember to do this during bad times

Talked to God on the car ride back to Lowell today.

I hope I start to remember to do that more.
Trying to have fun in life a little more.

Today just became okay. : )

< 3

2am is lonely

Listening to Caspian. I need to get away. For the past week I've just been wanting to get in my car and go for a drive at night. I haven't been okay since I found out. She's doing better. But I'm not. Maybe that's selfish, maybe its not. It's hard to focus on this. To talk about it. My favorite part of the day is talking to her mom. Even if it's just for two minutes. Because it's talking about it with someone that GETS IT! Someone that I know is as worried and cares. Even more so than me.
I'm scared I'm in love.
I'm scared it's going to hurt.
The only reason I haven't run away is because I have a plan in case things go bad. I can go intern for TWLOHA. Get away from everything. That's my big secret plan. Happy you know it?
I'm a fucking coward. No. No I'm not. I'd just go and delete that, but we can do that with life. We are never perfect. There's no back space or spell check. People forget that. People don't suck, though sometimes they can choose to.
Even now, I'm running away from the topic. From the thoughts of her. I want to go live in a house with other people that love me and work on forming a community. Sadly, and extremely pathetic, that place is not the house I grew up in and the people aren't my family. Fuck! I'm not staying on track. I mean, then again, do I have to? This happening was probably just the icing on the cake. I've known for a long time I have a shit load of emotions bottled up inside. But I'm okay with that. If you know me, you know how passionate I can be. Where do you think that comes from?
This past year has been pretty great.
I love her, but I'm scared.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
I don't know if we are meant for each other. I don't know if I can stand waiting. I don't know if I'm strong enough for her. I don't know if when she says certain things they are coming from the chemicals in her brain, or something bigger in her heart. And that's what scares me the most.

"I cannot live, I can not breath unless you do this with me"
Life's waiting to begin.
I'm trying to figure out where we fit in each others. : /

< 3

"If LOVE's a word that you say, then say it I will listen"

Yesterday was amazing. Especially after all of last week. I'm in an AVA mood SO much lately.


Here we go, life's waiting to begin.

< 3

My favorite moment last Wednesday

I think I'm going to start writing more now. I went through a time when I was too busy, and I spent my time sharing thoughts with others instead of ever writing them. Maybe this means I'm getting a little lonely again. Maybe I shouldn't think to deeply into it. I wanted to share one more of the very many great memories from the Main Event last Wed. This was my favorite. We don't get to always choose endings, or meet up with people again after hearing their stories. But it's amazing when we do. To first understand this, I must take you back to Warped Tour this past summer.

I got to help out at the TWLOHA booth the Boston Date of Warped. My friend Jason got me in, and I was at the booth most of the day helping out. I sold a lot of shirts, answered some basic questions, and was giving the opportunity to listen to a few peoples stories. It really put into place for me how important TWLOHA is, and how many people recognize that. I did go and see a couple of bands that day too. One of them being Chiodos. At some point between the crowd surfing and the pits and all the jumping up and down, I lost my wallet. I went and reported it, and came back to the booth feeling bummed out about it. Almost right away, this girl walks up to me at the table. She looks very concerned, and worried. She starts to tell me about a friend she has, who is standing about 20 feet away from out tent with another one of their friends. This friend has been struggling with cutting and taking pills, and the girl telling this to me says she doesn't know what to do. I freeze. I just immediately freeze and choke on every word that could come up. My brain is still thinking about how much fucking money i might've lost instead of something WAY MORE IMPORTANT, this girls situation. I grab Chris, who is working at the tent, and ask him to talk to this girl. I apologize and say that Chris is a lot better at talking about these things than me. I hated myself for the rest of the day for this situation. How I froze, and how I was more concerned about my wallet and someone asking for help. It had bothered me for so long. I never got over this. I know we aren't perfect, and we all make mistakes, but I was so scared I might've given this girl a bad idea of TWLOHA and the people that work for it.
Last Wednesday, after the event Jamie is meeting people. I walk up, having to tell him something, and this girl in front of him is handing him her phone asking him to talk to her friend for a minute. Jamie takes the phone and starts talking, and I start a conversation with this girl by telling her I think it's awesome she's doing that for her friend. She starts to share with me how her friend and her were at Warped that Past Summer and had a great conversation with Chris about how her friend was struggling with self-injury, "and taking pills" I finish the sentence for her. It hits me this was the same girl. The room froze in that moment for me. I told her I needed to talk to her for a minute. Jamie got off the phone with her friend, she talked to him, and then came to me. I explained to her that I remember her, and she came up to me and I froze (I was rocking a mohawk back then, so I looked at little different). I apologized over and over again to her, and was telling her that I was so glad I got to find her again. She told me her friend hadn't taken a pill or cut since the day before warped tour. (If you don't get why we do this, it's because of golden moments like this.) We talk a little more. I learn about her story a little bit and who she is. I tell her about our UChapter and point out the email where she can always talk to me if she wants. She has to get going, so I offer a hug and we say goodbye.
Imagine how I felt. This is why I live. This is why I'm so hopeful, and why I'm always staying positive and trying to improve myself. Redemption is a word that comes to mind. : )

You are not alone tonight. Or ever.
Hope is real. Help is real.
< 3

"You are important. You matter"

Yesterday was amazing. The conversations, the speaking, the rooms filled up with people that believe this matters. I love this, I love the UChapter and I love everything I get to do with it. One thing I forgot to say last night, is what I think the best part about UChapters is (besides everything). I love it, because you can take an event last night, and you can take moments where people are vulnerable and will ask questions and share their stories, and their struggles. This gives us a chance to not just hear these stories, but stay connected with them. We have the privilege of not just hearing them, but being able to see these people over and over again. Being able to see them and ask things like "How have you been?" and "How is that thing we talked about?" We recognize that even through healing and redemption, there is still pain and there are still days that are difficult to get through. We can be here for support and love. We are trying to create an environment where it's okay to come back and talk about these things. Your story is changing everyday, and is more important that just one night. We can share more and more with each other, we can become closer and continue to learn together what community means. We can not only help ourselves, but we can reach out and help others. We can become connected in this community and support other organizations that believe in the same things we do. It's great to get messages, and to stay connected with people. To make plans of going out, and getting coffee, hearing from the other officers that people talked to them about being more involved. I don't know everything about community, but I know it doesn't happen in just one night. It can start with that, but it involves staying in touch and continuously walking through life together. We made last night happen not so you could be around people that care for one night, and for once not feel alone in a crowded room. This can go on for more than one night; this can continue for as long as you want it to. We invite you to continuously stay connected with us, and we want you to know that we are always here. We accomplished a lot in one night, inspiring, informing, and encouraging people. Imagine what we could do together if we keep this relationship going. Imagine never having a night you feel alone again, always having someone that can sit there with you and listen, and people that are telling you "You are important, you matter" just like Denny did. This won't always happen, and we are okay with that. Nine times out of ten, we'd like to believe it can. Maybe even more. Because we believe in hope. We believe HOPE IS REAL.

With hope, love, and hugs,
Kevin
TWLOHA.UML@gmail.com

Guess what? Sleep and I aren't getting along tonight

Lot on my mind I guess. My sister is also up this late. Weird haha. We are becoming so close. It makes me happy. It's legit one of the few things that make me really happy and love life lately. Having someone like her.
Otherwise, life's stressful. It's my first day back and I'm already stressed. I'm working on becoming more inspired with things and less stressed. It's going alright. I at least know how I can make it happen. Or at least I feel like I can. It's tough though. I had a really really great day Friday. Meeting with someone from AFSP, hanging out with friends, going to see Anis, having a great conversation with a friend after. I was loving it. I was very happy.
Two weekends ago, I got to hang out with a very close friend in Boston. He said at least a few times how much he loved life that day. I didn't forget it. It's stuck with me. I was extremely happy for him, that he was at that place in life. And I've realized that now no matter how I'm feeling, if someone asks me how life is, I'll say good. Because it is good. I have all the essential things I need. And that's all that really matters. So even if a day isn't too good, it still is in a way.
Worried about the UChapter. Trying to figure out the best way to deal with some things. Hopefully they'll get better.


Thanks Kelly, and Jason. This is incredible to listen to.
http://kellyhasadventures.tumblr.com/post/467213783/jasonblades-where-words-fail-music-speaks

I guess there's not a lot on my mind. So I don't know why exactly I can't sleep. : /.

< 3

it's 2:30 am. I can't sleep

A lot on my mind. Life's been difficult lately. In a different way than when it use to be difficult. I'm trying to find more useful things to do with my life. I guess I feel like I'm just waiting to fall in love, I'm ready to. Until then, I'm just going to try to help others, change the world, put more good into it.
Is that messed up to say though? I'm ready to love? I mean I can always be a better person. I can always improve. So why am I just sitting here waiting? Am I really scared that improving myself more might just lead to get me conceited and not feel like anyone is good enough for me? Or do I really need to work on myself. I don't like people that drink, yet Saturday night I went and got drunk. After talking to a girl that afternoon who's going through a TON of shit, and her parent's can't pay for her to go see someone because they don't have money. But her dad's an alcoholic and has money for beer all the time. It's a fucked up situation. But I just go, and get drunk that night. I'm indirectly helping her dad be an alcoholic. I'm buying beer, it's helping the company, the company is giving him the beer. Maybe I'm hard on myself sometimes, but I wouldn't want it any other way. We are too soft on ourselves a lot. We CAN do more. We ARE power.
I just fucking hate certain things sometimes.
When I make a post like this, I can rant about things, and they are good, and they come from my heart. But it's not what's really on my mind. What's really keeping me up this late.
I'm going back to see my therapist 2mrw. Y? because yesterday wasn't a great day. For a moment, I got a familiar feeling of getting my heart ripped that brought me back a couple of years. It scared me. I'm glad I called. I'm glad I'm going to go talk to her. But for some reason, I feel a little ashamed. It feels like a step backwards. I don't know why exactly, but it does.
I'm still hopeful. I still want to do good things. I want to help people. So idk what's wrong really. I have a few friends I can talk to. They are good friends. Idk what's wrong. But I guess something is.
Maybe it's the bigger questions like, why am I at college? Why am I wasting my time in certain classes? What else could I be doing with my life? I'm running out of way to make myself grow as a person at UML. There's so much of the world out there. I want to go do stuff with different non-profits. I want to help more people, change bigger things. I'm not saying move away from helping single people one-on-one with struggles. I'm saying do more in addition to that.
I don't like sitting at home and watching tv, or playing xbox, or just doing nothing. It's not relaxing and it's not enjoyable for me.
I want to go make a difference. When people say "slow down in life" I don't think they're talking to me.
: /

Hopefully today with my therapist goes well.
< 3
(I always proof-read these before I post them. Right now, I didn't. Hope it's not too bad.)

Fuck spring break. Fuck a ton of shit right now

What happened to living a life you like? So when Friday comes, it's just another night. Instead of a chance to get drunk and run away from it all.



So many people are fucking with my heart and head in so many ways.

I fucking hate being home. That will never change I guess.

Kevin

Getting through the week....

This week, eh well.. I guess it's better than the past two so far. But it still sucks.
It's the same problems.
"friends" never reach out, never talk to me, never try to make plans.
I have so much shit to do for school, but I don't even know if it's worth it. If this is what I want to do.
Love and I are fighting. I think I want to push it away from the next couple of years.
Just be alone, do things, help people.
But it's fucked. I'm at a point in my life where I'm ready to love. FINALLY!! But it seems like no one else is. And I'm okay with waiting, but it sucks when I have to see people around me have someone when I don't. That's the toughest part of getting out of bed in the morning lately I think.

I'm not fully upset, I have a couple of friends who are in my life, and who mean a lot. And care about me. And I'm thankful for them. Days which I would consider shitty are now upgraded to kinda crappy cause I at least have them in my life.

< 3
Kevin

I have an incredible gift

I take pain, and I turn it into passion for good things.


Hope it doesn't fuck me over....

<3

Just decided.
Just fucking decide already.

I am a human. Nothing more, nothing less.

I need love. I need people to care about me.
Live is at it's best for me when i have arms that will wrap themselves around me,
and a body I can hold.
Lie next to it.
Into the night, and out of the night.

Today is not great.
Yesterday wasn't either.
I don't know what tomorrow holds,
but I'll stick around and find out.

I look at the water, and think of what it'd be like to swim in it.
To freeze and feel something so strong and so real.
This week hasn't seemed real.
Those upcoming will allow me to decide if that's in a good or bad way.
If you're laying alone tonight, and wishing you didn't have you feel so empty, know your not alone.
The victims are here, as are the offenders.
The rich who have their own chef
and the poor who struggle to find their next meal.
The old who feel like there's nothing left and too much has changed.
The young who are getting drunk and fucking (up their lives) or trying to change the world for the better.
Or maybe they are somewhere in the middle.
Life's all about middles. Trying to find how many questions we can ask before we seem annoying.
Trying to talk to that girl who we think about when we fall asleep at night. And oh how we just pray she is dreaming about us.
For we want her to like us, but we don't know. And we are so close to scaring her away.

A gun can be turned on anyone.
The trigger can be pulled, and a life can be ended.
And another.
And another.
and sadly sometimes it can seem like the killing and the dying, the raping and the torture, the pain and the isolation... it will never change.
We are told to look for the good. To find it. And seize it. Hold on to it and treasure it like that first toy we'd never let go of.

A 9 year old commited suicide last week.
On the same day, not too far away from where he did it, a couple got married.
Hundreds of new lives were brought into this world.
You'll want to focus on the last two sentences instead of the one before them.
Because the bad things scare us. And we run away from them.
We hide like fucking cowards. under the drugs, the drama, and the everyday things that can keep us busy.

I just sat in my bed at 1pm and watched tv for an hour.
Some little child in Africa will die today.
Clean water and a nice meal could make it more peaceful and less painful for him.
Medicine which costs $10 could probably save him.
Let's go out to eat tonight and have a few drinks afterwards.
We got our paychecks today, and it's a great way to celebrate.

< 3

Today was way better than any day I could meet Pete Wentz

ask me about it. I will tell.
Denny is amazing.
Jamie is amazing.

Denny said I should intern.
I'm prob. helping out at MOVE and being my sister's guardian.
We are re-scheduling the event which means another chance to hang out with them.
Life is going great.
I am loving it.
If you aren't, I'd be happy to share some of my love with you.


: )

< 3

I hate being in a room alone

Especially my dorm room. It makes me really hesitant about this whole RA thing. I mean, I'm doing it for money. That's the main reason.
I want to go meet someone with a powerful story. I'm in one of those moods where I'm just sitting here thinking "I'm sitting in my room bored, and there's someone no further than this building probably that feels alone right now. Wishes they had someone they could talk to."

Maybe it's good I want to help. Maybe it's not. I'll talk about my life, about me with anyone. But I guess I'm still scared to sit and think about myself alone.
Something must still be not sitting to well with me.

I'll say it again.
And sadly, It'll probably go nowhere.

That space is where I said it.
But only in my head.

Favorite part of today- Skype with sis.

Leaving the rest in my head right now. Hopefully it'll sort itself out a little more first.

< 3

sometimes I think

either I don't understand life and what's good and what's bad, or people just suck at living it.

< 3

I found God on this trip.

Of cours it was amazing! And life changing.
Maybe I'll write about it on here later. I haven't been into blogging lately thought.
We shall see.


I love life.
I hope you do too.
: )

< 3