I'm only writing this one for myself.... okay, maybe I lied.

I'm at a difficult point in my life. It's hard to make my life better right now, and to make myself a stronger person without connecting with my parents. We get along, we can joke around, and have shallow talks, but that's about it. I feel like it'd be good for me to sit down and talk with them. Really talk with them. Talk about what I went through, about what I felt, how they handled it, what I didn't like, what I don't like about them, and why it's hard for me to respect them. But that scares me so much.
I think, "why haven't they ever asked me to talk?.." but I remember that they did.. a few years ago. When I was seeing a therapist, they said they'd be willing to come in and do like family counseling, I told them to fuck off. So it's understandable they haven't.
I was reading the Orphaned Anything's by Stephen Christian (great book), and it was talking about how this kid was on his bed in the hospital after he had attempted suicide. And his main regret was never talking to his mom, never feeling like he had a family. I realized that I'm headed in that path (the regretting path, not suicide). I'm too scared to change it I guess.
I could make excuses, say that I'd be better doing it when I'm home a weekend from college, so I don't have to stick around if it doesn't go well. Saying life is a tiny bit shaky right now to begin with, and I should wait until I feel really great about my life. But these are just that, excuses. Maybe I'll never feel ready, never feel like it's a right time. Though I wonder if I get married, that'd be a good time. But maybe I just have to do it.
My dad and I talked about it once, kind of briefly. I came home for a weekend, I was really happy, excited about TWLOHA stuff, and we were driving up to Five Guys to eat. He asked me about when I was depressed, what they did wrong, what they could've done better. To be honest, I was thrown off by it, I wasn't ready. Funny huh? I know it needs to be done, but I don't even think about what I would say. We talked briefly, but when the driving ended, so did the conversation. I feel like he'll never ask me again, that was good enough for him. I feel like my mom doesn't feel like she deserves to ask. Let me go psychological for a minute. I feel like my mom never got over shit she went through growing up. She can't handle herself well. All she has learned is to be "happy", to be fake. She can't handle anything that means change well. She can't handle bad news. I don't respect her because of this. It's horrible things to say, I know. And as for my Dad, I don't get how he can let her be like that. Like she's not horrible, I feel like I'm over-exagerating. But ya, I don't know. Just some other things, little things, about my dad, I don't get. They aren't horrible people. Let me make that clear! They are good people, nice, caring people. I just hold high standards I guess. : /
But I hope things can change, eventually. I hope that can get better. Let me end it with this, last night was a good night. Between talking to a friend, and that book, it made me think a lot. And I think it forced me to think about myself, think about my life, who I am. I don't do that enough. Overall, I like my life, I think I'm a good person. But that feels weird to say, I don't know if it's cause I'm wrong, or cause I've never felt like that before. I guess time will tell. This is enough for now.

< 3

Thank You God

I feel like I'll be able to sleep now. and this night didn't get ruined.

I felt like I had to type that somewhere.

And here feels right.

< 3
night

Which one is this?

You hold out. You trust time, and try with all of your heart to believe things will work out for the best.

They might.
Or
They might not.


Not knowing answers can suck.

I'd ask the questions to get them, but you're not listening.

< 3

This time of year and me don't get along

FUCK CHRISTMAS
there are more broken homes than anything else in this country. think about that and have a merry christmas.
Let me be negative for once in my life.
Depression and I are fighting. I'm trying to stay positive, to not let things get to me. But it's hard.

I don't get how someone can sleep next to you all night, and then not talk to you for a couple of days. Especially when they are so sad when you have to go.

I feel guilty saying it a little bit. But It feels soooo good to. The good as in doing the right thing or the good as in a temporary high, I don't know. But I'll take what I can get right now.

I hope to I don't fuck this up. I really don't. That's all that's been in my mind since the beginning.
I feel good about this.
But by writing like this, well, I am fucking it up.
So I'm going to stop.

"Merry Christmas, I could care less" - that song will be my best friend tomorrow night

< 3

I'm addicted to hope.

And I can't wait for my next fix.

: )

Today was an amazingly great day.

I'm thankful:

I'm thankful that I'm alive.
That I am living in a house.
That I have food, water.
That I am in college.
That I am healthy. Physically, and most of the time mentally.
I'm thankful for chances to help people less fortunate than me.
I'm thankful for ultimate frisbee.
I am thankful that I am doing things I love, and I want to.
I am thankful for music.
For self expression.
I'm thankful for To Write Love On Her Arms. For the never ending things that being involved in this organization has done for me.
For all of the people I've met through that.
For MOVE. For every single person there, who taught me what community is, and what it means to love. That great people are in this world. That I'm not alone.
For the UChapter. For all the people that have helped make that possible and all of the people involved in it.
For every person who has shared their story. Because I find hope and inspiration in every one.
I'm thankful for my family. For the fact that everyday, I have the chance to become a little closer with them. Heal open wounds.
For my friends. For being there for me. To talk. To have fun. For anything. For every time that someone tells me they are happy i'm alive, or that I'm the person I am. For every time someone tells me they care.
I'm thankful for hope. for redemption. for healing.
I'm thankful for being able to do fun things. For all of the opportunities life has given me.
Most of all, that I wake up and just get out of bed every morning. Because I don't have to try to search of a reason why I should anymore. I have so many.

If you are a part of my life, I love you. I am happy that I know you. For all of the good times we have and for everything we've learned from the bad. I find inspiration in every person I've had a conversation with. Thank you. : )

< 3

Sometimes I'm caught in moments when I get scared. I feel normal.
I'll be around people and I'll feel like I want them to be looking up to me.
And it can be hard, but sometime a conversation doesn't go the way we hope.
I'll see there's something someone wants to say, but ......
Pause thought.
I think I just figured it out.
We start to fall apart. I don't understand some things about you. What we need to do is just hang out. The two of us. One on one. Talk. But that doesn't happen. And you will write these miserable things about your life. And I won't really understand. And I'll want to fix you, to change you. Cause I just think that maybe if you are more like me, we will be closer. You will talk to me more. (I know that's wrong).

I think that makes sense. I'll read it again 2mrw.
I think I just figured out quite a few friendships that I have ruined and why I got so hung up on them.


I want to be me.
I'm spending life trying to figure out who that is.

Haven't had a good heart to heart, one on one convo with someone since Boston a couple of weeks ago. like one where I got to talk a little bit about me too. I think that needs to happen soon.

< 3

My Paper Camera

It's a band. From Idaho. They have 269 fans on facebook right now. I don't know a lot about them at all. But I know they have made this day a lot easier to get through for me. And that I am falling in love with their music.


Depression, Depression
good bye.
(I hope)


< 3

this scares me a little bit

I've been here before
and now I'm back again
The same questions are coming to light
They've been lingering in my head
Keeping me awake at night
Where do I go from here?
How can I get out?
But wait, do I even want to get out?

Depression Depression
Please go away
Oh, but Depression,
part of me wants you to stay
Fighting, Screaming and crying inside
I want this to be a better life

Depression, Depression
I've known you longer than my best friend
That's long enough and you're trying to come back again
Go away! Get out! Leave my FUCKING life!

I only have one life. and I've ruined enough of it
1 person. I only want 1 person. And one thing.
Love. LOVE. Just give me love.
No more scars
Just someone to kiss the old ones
No more lonely nights,
I'll say "come here hun"

I have hope.
Hope
hope
hop
ho
ho
ho
but it's running out.
I'm getting worn out.

Renew my hope.
Give me faith.
I'm calling out to....
who? I'm not sure.

< 3

Article I wrote for the UML newspaper about To Write Love.

What do you say to a girl who uses self-injury to deal with being sexually assaulted? How can you help someone who is severely depressed and contemplating suicide? Where do you turn if you are addicted to drugs, and want to find a way out? If you are sick and tired of being sick and tired? These are tough questions. These are questions that scare a lot of us; we don’t know answers, because these are issues that aren’t talked about a lot. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be talked about. This is something we want to change.
Hello, My name is Kevin Pelletier and I am the president of the To Write Love On Her Arms chapter here at UML. To Write Love On Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and invest directly into treatment and recovery. This fall, To Write Love launched their first 15 college chapters across the US, and we are lucky enough to be one of them! By building community, Chapters can organize gatherings, cultivate awareness, and create a network that actively raises funds and reaches people with a message of hope and help for those who are hurting.
This is a place where it’s okay to come and talk about pain, about struggles, where you can ask the tough questions. This is a place for anybody, whether you are struggling with something, have struggled, know someone who is struggling and want to help, or just don’t understand these things and want to learn more. We will talk about these issues, we will learn about them, and we will learn how to help others and get help ourselves. The most important thing we will be doing is learning what a community is. We will learn about each other, and hopefully become great friends.
There will be discussions that can seem heavy or dark, however, this won’t be every meeting, or every conversation. We will be doing a range of activities. There will be concerts, meetings where we will just hang out and have fun, and movie nights. I hope that people who join this will leave with memories and friends that last a lifetime. I already know I will.
There are so many stigmas out there, especially in places like college campuses. We are one of the highest age groups for all of these issues. Suicide is the third leading cause of death for our age group (15-24). Ten percent of college students struggle with self-injury. Let’s change that. Let’s replace secrets and silence with community and hope. Let’s learn what it means to LOVE OUR FRIENDS, and what it feels like to LOVE OURSELVES enough to get the help we need in a time of pain. Let’s explore the idea that maybe YOUR STORY MATTERS, and that you might be part of a bigger story. You are not alone. Wake up. You’re alive. We’re on your side.
Search To Write Love UML on Facebook to find our group! Feel free to email Kevin_Pelletier@student.uml.edu or any of the other officers with any questions or comments. Our next meeting will be on Thursday November 5th at 5:00 in McGauvran 345.
Peace to you, Kevin

Listening to The Path- The Early November

I feel like the one thing that kept me and my first love from being any closer is that I didn't get her past. I didn't get what it meant to come from a broken home. I didn't know what to say when she told me some things she went through.
Sometimes I wonder if being so involved in this is driven not by my own story, but by guilt from that. By the slightest fucked up hope that maybe if she knows now we could be close in that way, we might get back together.
But she's changed. I know that.
I'm chasing after a memory.
Not a person.
That's why I've been able to let go as much as I would.

"Maybe we're bent and broken."

< 3

The kid who always wore long sleeve shirts

Right now I feel hurt but in a comfortable way. Right know I remember that cutting was always easier than crying. But I'm smiling in a way, because I love me. And that's all that matters. This is something I started writing a few years ago. Wish I wrote more of it:

We are the philosophers of today’s world
This is a useless story. This is not a story of the kid with the worst life. Just a kid who’s depressed all the time. The next thought could make him lose it, or maybe the first pill could make him feel ok. He feels stuck in a depression. Will somehow force a smile during the day; but at night he has the worst feeling in the world, yet he also seems the closest he can be to happiness then. The days drag by so slow. So much that no one can relate. Some people have bad days; this kid lives them.
It starts when he wakes up every morning to the sounds of his favorite song. Sadly, that’s usually the best part of his day. That second when he’s first awake, and reality hasn’t struck him yet. Reality hits him like the shiver that gets sent down your spine when you pull the sheets down on a cold winter morning. He immediately gets out of bed. Except on the days when he debates going back to bed cause he can’t deal with this fucked up world today. He doesn’t try to think of a reason to get out of bed, he just does. Because he knows he’s lost (forever) the only reason he had.
He drags his heavy heart out of bed, and will go take a shower. He lingers in the shower, because he loves the warm feeling of it. Because it’s the only warm feeling that will go through his body all day. He doubts if his heart will get a warm feeling ever again. Then, right before he open that bathroom door he starts the acting part of his day. If there’s one thing this kid’s good at, it’s acting. Fake smiles are on the top of the list for things this kid hates; yet he wears one everyday. This boy has realized that ignorance of problems is the real definition of happiness. This is the beginning of a typical morning for him.
Then he tries to get out of the house as fast as he can. Just because he hates the sound of voices that early in the morning. He’ll go outside and get in his car, and take the short drive to school. He wishes it were so much longer. This is one of the few times during the day when he feels (almost) home. Looking at all the sights as he’s driving, because if he looks hard enough, there are still beautiful places. He’s thrown a C.D. in that will wake him up and just possibly give him enough energy to get through another day. The speakers pump energy through his bloodstream, and the lyrics that seem so depressing make this boy smile a little bit. Underneath the rhymes, he knows that there’s a story similar to his. Knowing that he’s not the only kid like this, gives him a little bit of hope. Maybe he could make it, and his words will be the ones flowing through speakers somewhere, keeping some other kid alive.
He pulls into the parking lot. Usually he’s one the first ones there. A lot of times he’ll take the second parking spot, because he knows he’ll always be the second best. He sits in his car for a minute, and just listens to the song that’s on. It’s a calming feeling, and sometimes he wishes he could just sit there all day. When he feels confident that he’s (not) ready for the day, he gets out of his car. As he walks to school, he always looks up at the sky. Usually just by looking at it, he can tell what kind of day he will have. Sometimes the rain is just to wash away the blood from wrists. It’s only dark and cloudy when he’s down, maybe just so people don’t have to see his sad face. It’s so pathetic. One look at this kid and people will want to look away. He makes people feel so cold and lonely. Why would anyone want to talk to someone who’s this depressed?
He walks into the school, and he will always go to his locker. Sometimes he doesn’t need to, but it just gives him another minute before he’s around people. Every morning, he goes to the band room. There’s always someone in there that he can be comfortable around. Someone that will consider him a friend, whether or not he considers them one. He has not yet found a word that can describe his relationship with this people.
Nothing has been right since she left him. He second-guesses everything; he looks for all the lies hidden behind the truth. He doesn’t want to have any friends, but he needs them to survive. The closer a friend gets to him, the more likely he is to pus them away. Which happens all the time, because the second he meets someone; he will open up to them. Pour what’s left of his sad, sorry, (almost) empty heart out.
It’s just because he needs someone to listen. And some of those times, he needs advice to. But that’s what makes this kid the fucked up boy he is. He’ll never get advice. Because no one he opens up to has felt like this. This lonely, for this long. People may think they understand him, but how? Nobody knows you better than yourself, and this boy doesn’t even have a clue of who he really is. His minds dead because of the love that his black heart is stuck in. He tries to speak from the soul, because that seems like the part of him that isn’t totally ruined. But sometimes even that is hard.

I'm living for the hope of love, everything else is just something to fill the gap until i find it

I want to be part of the hopeful. But sometimes I feel hopeless. And even when I have so many doubts, and I'm so scared, and I'm so hurt; I'll listen to other's pain and tell them to keep fighting and that it'll get better. Maybe it's heroic, maybe it's stupid.
Bummed out about yesterday. But it's not just yesterday. It's a the little things that I ignore, that I push aside. I say will get better and just continue to be positive. And when something big, like yesterday occurs and really lets me down; I start to question everything. To think about it all. To look at all of the flaws. All the things I don't like about everyone. How fucked up this world is. With me, the glass isn't half full or half empty. It's either full, or there's nothing but a single drop left in the bottom.
My mind is different. I think differently.
Sometimes I'd rather just be on an island with people that want to focus on what life means, what pain is and how to get through it, and what is love. I'm not saying people from MOVE. Sure, some of them. But others too. I honestly could live without many others. I'd rather do that or die.
Maybe on most other days I'd say the world is a great place, people just need to love a little more and be a little less scared about being real.
Today I'm just saying fuck the world. FUCK THE WORLD!
FUCK YOU!
AND YOU!
and YOU!
and YOU!
and you get the point.
I'm not perfect, but at least I try to focus on making myself a better person. At least I make an effort to be the person I want to be. What can you say?
.......
?
Don't tell me to cheer up. Don't tell me it'll get better. Look in the mirror and make yourself a little less pathetic. Cause we all are.

"in this moment that we both ignore the truth, it's all over."

let down

people are shallow

"you can't get too many hugs in a time like this"

You know that awkward moment when someone tells you something bad that happened, or that they are going through. And you don't know exactly what to say? This is how a lot of conversations end.
Sit there!
Don't walk away.
Don't hang up the phone.
Don't say you have to leave.
Don't say you hope it gets better and walk away.
Ask the difficult question.
Acknowledge the pain in that silence.
Even if you don't say the right thing, or don't say a lot; it's better than sitting there alone.
It helps.
Talk about what's really going on.
Care
Love
Talk about hope.
Talk about help.
Tell them you will be there every step of the way.
Be a friend, be a parent, be a brother, a sister in the way that you should.

It could save a life.
At the very least, really change one for the better.
Maybe even two.

3 day weekend is over

Just found out it's going to cost around $5000 for TWLOHA to come here. That got me a bit discouraged. I'm sure we can raise it. And I understand why they can't come for free. But it's a little frustrating. Last night was awesome. Love Boston. Love great conversations. Haven't just sat and talked with someone for awhile. Well I have, but I haven't really talked about myself a lot. I just don't open up easily, but I'm glad I know I have a few friends I can to. Really got me thinking a lot. Still thinking.

I want to hate someone. Throw out harsh words. Bring back my lyrics lines I'd write. Just get in an argument. Cause I feel like it's the closest and quickest I could get to Love right now.
I never said I wasn't pathetic. You just might forget it sometimes.

I haven't written this ever. But there are still a lot of times I think about cutting. I think about how much I'd like to do it.
I never have though. It's been over two years, maybe three. I never knew a date. I just always push these thoughts away.
I guess I think about it cause I feel like if I did that again people would know I'm broken. That I'm in a rough patch again. But i remember, if I really feel like that I can always just tell it to people. I can talk to them about it. It's a tough situation though. I feel like I shouldn't talk about this a lot, so I won't. I might never mention it again. Just know they're there sometimes. The thoughts. But also know I never act on them.

My itunes shuffle is playing a lot of FOB 2night. I feel like it's trying to tell me something....
But I just want to listen to Anberlin.

< 3

Take the time

There is no question in my mind you can learn a lot from pain. From being in a very dark place, and getting help to come out of it. I love to have conversations with people who are looking for help, who are experiencing pain and want to change. But want to handle it in a good way.
One thing that really bothers me though, is people who take other ways out, or just run from their problems. I'm not saying they're bad people, they aren't. It is very understandable how people end up down other paths. I look back and see some situations where I could've easily fallen down other paths. Some darker than you could probably imagine. But I just wish these people would get a little more broken, so they could bring out the best in themselves and be stronger and more loving. Certain people I meet, I don't want to help them, I want to break them a little more first. Cause I think that's what needs to be done with them so they can really change. Friends sometimes need to just push them away, but they won't. Cause I don't think they understand, or they don't have the courage or care enough to try. I feel like this is the majority of our population. People just hanging on. Broken people that aren't quite broken enough to face it. But are getting by.
I hope that these people decide to recognize and focus on how they can improve themselves. You don't have to wait untill you think about suicide to go see a therapist. You don't have to lose someone close to you to realize you might have a problem with drugs or alcohol and go check yourself into a treatment center. You don't have to wait till you almost kill yourself from cutting too deeply to talk about your struggle with self-injury. You don't have to wait to get into a fight with a loved one so you can tell them something that has been hurting you.
Talking is so simple. But a conversation can be hard to start. Take the time to take a deep breath and think for a few minutes about your life. To think about hope. To think about how you are really doing. To recognize that help is out there in so many places. And that it's okay to ask for it.

"This is you're life, are you who you want to be?"
< 3

Fail

So close to crying right now. So close to breaking down. I need to stop trying to be a hero. I need to be able to talk to people about my pain too. I need to have me time. I pray 2mw is a better day.

My choice in one moment could change so much about me, and everything involved with me. It frightens me.


Give me a hug
< 3

Currently

Doing the right thing right now. It's not really easy, but I know it's what best for both of us.
Before I can have a healthy relationship again, I feel like I need a stronger community of friends and loved ones around me.
This is what I will focus on.

Excited to go home this weekend.
excited to go to sleep right now.
< 3

a thought

maybe I'm not better than everyone else. Maybe I'm stuck in between the people I think I'm better than and the people I inspire to be more like. Rejecting one and being rejected by the other.

"Good God can you still get us home?"

< 3

It's time to type more than a couple of words again

These past couple of weeks have made me wonder if I've just been running away from everything the past few years. My biggest fear in life is that I do just enough to get by. I'm honest just enough to not look like a liar. I'm caring just enough to not seem like an asshole. That maybe when I'm talking to people going through shit, I don't say everything I can to help them. Maybe just enough to get me out of the situation. This is something I've been thinking a lot the past couple of days. But it goes back way further than that. This is the last thing I've wrote in my journal last year after the suicide note.
I want love. GOD DAMN IT! I just want LOVE! I wanted that one person to fall asleep next to every night. I want that one person to grow old with. And if she dies, first, I'll kill myself the next day. Maybe that's fucked, or maybe that's true love. This I've said before. No song can fit this mood right now. I feel like I'm letting life slip away. TWLOHA is a great thing to have in my life, especially without having a girlfriend, or anyone like that. But I want more. I want to not feel like I'm living to different lives. Why can't I be the person I am at TWLOHA events, or when I'm doing that stuff? I feel like everything else brings out less than the best of me, if not the worst. This is why I miss MOVE so much. This is why I want to just go live on an island with those people. They get it. They love me for me, and the encourage and inspire me to be the best person I can. Around here, I feel like there are very few people like that in my life. I want to change this, but I'm struggling with it. And maybe I'm fixated on this right now, but it's better than me sitting in misery and feeling like I just got stabbed in the heart and got teased by love. IT HURTS! Did you know that?
Don't ever for a second think I forget what it feels like to be alone. To want to go back to my struggles. I don't have a person in my life that I can think about when I wake up every morning instead of the debates about what today will bring. Looking through the day and trying to find a reason to get up.

< 3

Cause I can't,

I need to find someone who has the power to bring out the best in me.


< 3

This isn't a band. This isn't an organization. This isn't a writer. This is ME

Living life.
Making it my own.
If that means writing less, that's what it means.
I've been scared to post anything worthwhile on here for a while. I guess I feel like this is holding my back a little. Like if I write, I'll become a little less happy. Or a little more aware of the negatives surrounding me. But I'm not. I'm focusing on the positives.
She's the first thing on my mind when I wake up.
Sophomore slump or comeback of the year.
I'm gona let me heart push away the fear and see what happens.
A lot of questions could be answered in the next couple of months, weeks, even days.
I'm not giving up on this one.

< 3

Flat out

I need to stop drinking so much. it's not out of control, but I don't like how it can take up my time. I could be doing more productive things.
and being a little hungover isn't fun.

Going away to college (again)

I haven't really talked to anyone from MOVE in awhile. It sucks. These are the people I can talk to anything and anyone about. They are my therapists. But they are also such close friends. So why can't they just call sometimes? Why can't they talk to me?
Maybe it's unfair to ask these questions.
Maybe I need to work on myself a little bit right now first, and then that will come. Better relationships. Maybe an actual relationship.
FUCK.
sometimes it hurts.
can I build community here? Does anyone else want it?
Are people willing to work on their shallow selves?
Cause that needs to happen before anyone else can.

< 3

Friendship

haven't updated on here in a while. Life's been great, falling back to okay.
Glad I'm going back up to college soon. Cause I'm starting to get sick of most of the people around here.
Loved Jamie's latest blog entry. Made me feel some sort of great feeling. Not quite sure how to explain it. But then I felt lonely. Cause I realized I don't have anyone like that in my life.
I pray someday I will.

<3

I feel stuck in them middle

It seems like some people move on, and are fine without me in their lives.
And it seems like others aren't ready to change and mature enough to be in my life.

"Is anybody out there? Hello Alone Broken hearts like promises are left for lesser knowns"

< 3

Finally really catching up.

Warped Tour was so amazing. I helped out at the TWLOHA tent for most of the day. It was fun, and I had some awesome conversations. I hated that one girl who came up and asked me something and I just kind of froze. I asked Chris, and he talked to her; but I hated it. I don't know why I did. Right now I can think of 50 different ways I could've responded. I guess it just takes time. But it was a great day. Seeing Underoath backstage was soooooo awesome. Jason is a great guy and I'm glad he was able to do that for me, and my friend who I know it meant the world to. It was a great day. I'd love to intern for TWLOHA and I hope some day down the road it happens. I feel like I can learn so much. I feel like I will feel at home with other people that are willing to help out. I could talk about this for awhile, but moving on.
Life is going well. I have a few things to look forward to. The reunion is in 8 days. I have all the things I take for granted. And those are awesome.
I still am trying to figure out so many things. (there will always be questions left unanswered.)
Everything happens for a reason though. I am trying so hard to not let things get to me. To let it go when someone doesn't answer or respond, or if I get blown off, ect. It's hard. I know I would be so much stronger if I knew I had that one person who I could love and knew loved me and that we would be together. With that, everything else is easier.
But there are good things about this way too. I love thinking the things I do. Pondering the questions I ask. I feel like this is so much better than other professions I could be going into. Because I don't look at this as a profession; I look at it as a way of life. And one of the few ways in which life should be lived.
Also, A good friend reminded me of a very important thing tonight- Jesus hung out with sinners.
We should try to not judge people, but only show them kindness. There is good in everyone. And one we find it, we should just try to help them with whatever is that won't bring out the good in them. That's not worded as well as I would like it, but it will do. After all life is a lot of settling. But I am tired. Off to bed.

< 3

Warped Tour 2009

will write about this and life otherwise real soon.
I love To Write Love.
And everytime I meet someone that is really involved, they always seem amazing and inspiring


<3

One last thing

thought's get tangled, and I forgot to write this.

Is real love being able to be happy for that person if they are with someone else
or
Is real love killing yourself because you can't stand life without them?

deep and dark

Older feelings become new

I'm scared. Yet so anxious. So close to either feeling so great, lucky, happy, and loved. But also so close to feeling so dark, hurt, alone, and confused.
Not as scared, because I have people who I know won't leave. People I can talk to.
But I think.
Does it matter how many people are there if you are so hung up on just the one you don't have?
Can all the others just really disappear? Because, well frankly, you don't care.
You want their help, there arms and ears.
But you don't.
Usually when I write these I listen to peaceful soft music.
Right now I'm listening to Underoath.
I like it.
It's weird how I can feel so connected to someone that lives so far away.
I mean that in a best-friend sense.
I know it's healthy I'm a little paranoid.
The sky is cloudy. No stars used to always mean not to good of a night.
I guess some things never really do never change.
Thought about driving by ur house 2night.
But I didn't. I have only been able to say that a handful of times.
I don't want to hurt anymore over you.
But as I wrote that, it felt like a lie.
Maybe I'm STILL not ready. : (

I debate a lot about religion, but it seems like praying always helps.
Just though I'd through that in here. It will probably allow me to sleep at night.
I was over thinking too much about tomorrow. I will sleep now.
I just remembered that earlier this week I burned every letter she ever wrote me.
I had forgotten. It puts a smile to my face.

We are all broken. Don't forget it.
Sometimes I do.

Want to have a thing of just true sayings for my To Write Love chapter. On Facebook every morning, I will post a saying. It can have been written by me, or someone else in the group. And I guess musical lyrics also. But just something true. Something that we can all forget. Something that can hopefully improve our lives, either by inspiring or warning us that pain can come.

I'm confused.
But that's life.
I hope Underoath is right when they say "At the end of the road, you'll find what you're looking for"

<3

And I never want to feel this way again. Standing alone with empty bottles as my friends

Feel like I could write an album about this weekend.
Will update for real soon.

<3

wasted nights

I'm sitting home. And I know there are people out there right now in so much pain and feeling so alone. And I wish I was helping one of them. But, I'm not. It's weird. This summer I wish I had a couple more people I could spend time with and be there for. In the fall, I might feel like I have to many.
We can't save everyone.
Sometimes that hurts more than others.

< 3

Hey

This is one of those time's I'm real. At least I feel like I'm thinking real.
Are things great?
No, they never will be.
But I'm doing okay. I'm pretty happy.
It's hard sometimes talking to people and listening to them talk about struggles or horrible things in life that are true. It's hard do give someone the benefit of the doubt when they don't even know themselves. To listen for five more minutes when you know you'd rather be doing something else. I'm lucky enough to be graced with a lot of patience lately. I know I'm not perfect. I know sometimes I have to say "I can't talk right now". But I believe that's what will keep me going. Maybe I feel a little used. Maybe I wonder how much I am actually just used sometimes. It just gets into me realizing I'll never understand it all. When your happy, you can deal with it. When you aren't, it can make you think too much about death.
Wanted to feel some sort of emotion before I feel asleep.
The book filled of pictures of us I got for our 6 months still lays under my bed. Some nights, like these, I almost want to take it out. But I don't. Cause I'm scared I might not getting the same feeling. Am I'm falling out of love? Is it possible? I don't know. But I wish we could talk again. And just that. I'll live fine if we don't, and I'm sure you will too. It'd just be nice, it'd take a load of so many negative feelings off my heart and thoughts out of my head. But I don't count on it. There's a bigger picture, and that's what keeps me going these days. I hope it can stay like this, and it'd be great if it got a little better.

Bye,
< 3

"We are old wishes that never came true*"

the way I've been picturing a hero and the type of hero I'd like to be isn't real at all.
Fuck movies. They make you forget what is and isn't reality sometimes.
I'm lonely. I wish there was someone in this town I could talk to and just hug.
I'm not okay.
I never will be.
But I will keep living.

< 3

Borrowing this from an amazing friend

This is God
Today I will be handling all of your problems for you. I do not need your help. So, have a nice day…

If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it yourself! Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be resolved, but in my time, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic, don’t despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; think of the person who has never known what it’s like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn’t live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people’s bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them!

Should you decide to send this to a friend, thank you. You may have touched their life in ways you will never know!

Not poetics or ways with words tonight

sitting in bed.
listening to The Used.
missing one of my best friends who's in Disney for the week.
Drove by somewhere I shouldn't have tonight. Saw the streetlight I've sat under numerous nights before out of breath from running there. Funny to think how I felt as alone as I did. But if I ran just a little further, I would be at his house. The current best friends. You live in between them. Almost exactly in the middle.

Trying to accept that this will be a lonely summer.
Trying to accept that I won't be talking to some people I've hoped I would.
Trying to remember the friends I do have. Especially the one who I can hang out with and talk about everything with. Cause we are that similar.
Maybe this summer can stay the way it is right now, and it won't suck.
It seems like that might be my only option.

<3

To whom it may concern

I miss her sooo much. Writing that I just though about U. FUCK! Cause now I realize everything I'm going to write, is also true for U. Am I just saying it, because I'm falling back? She won't talk to me, I care about her so much. I want to just drive to her house right now and knock on her door. Ask what's wrong with me? Why haven't you responded? Cause once again, I'm lost and confused. The first time, it turns out I was wrong. It was my fault. So maybe it is again. Maybe it's not so much I'm chasing her. Maybe it's I'm chasing second chances still. Cause if I get enough, It might make up for the one I fucked up that U gave me. Sry, look at me. In one night it all goes back to u. It's ok, at least 2night I know that cd will put me to sleep. The one that has for a couple of years now. Cause the past few nights, It hasn't been working. I knew something was going wrong. today was a good day. tonight has sucks since I've been home.
It was easier to miss you and not think about you as much when I was 60 miles away rather than 1.

<3

If you don't feel a little alone sometimes,

then someone around you is fake. If not everyone. Tough week in some ways.

Dear me,
write more later

love,
< 3

part deux. a few days later.

from the moment we are born we are slowly dying.
it is the only thing that remains constant.

dear world,
please make me not alone.

i was told a tour story of bob dylan- how when you were in his crew on the road with him. when he had his hood up it meant you couldnt talk to him and when he didnt you could.

i believe i must have a disorder of some kind- or else why would i care about things so but act so carelessly. nevermind anything.

Think of how I would love to spend the day just writing. I want to catalog everything. I want to explore every inch. I want to write myself a letter from the future when all is well and just give myself some kind of comfort

there are words that can be strung together and repeated in my ear in a particular order that will unlock the codes of my heart. i sit and wait on them.

"we're all in the gutter, some of us are looking at the stars."

put the love on hold, anticipation is on the other line and excitement called while you were out.

not too sure i could ever love someone who loved me.

the way they say "youre committing slow suicide" when someone lights up or cuts loose. but arent we all. everything we do just shortens our life, every breath is one less. but its what makes everything so treasured


part 2. mayb they have moved on. Maybe Pete is a different person. But it's still comforting and okay to read this. And sometimes lie to myself and say that he hasnt changed. I think unlike every other thing that's only been remotely close to my heart, this didn't end badly. He doesn't hate or dislike me. He's the only one. Ya, he doesn't know me. But that's why in a way I'm happy i didn't meet him. I'm so afraid I'd screw it up. Anyway. Also, I can sense that my writing changes a lil afta readin him. There's a special feeling in my heart right now. It's cause of him. It's the closest to home I've had since March 21. I fucking love this man. I don't care if he's changed, I want to kidnap him and hang out for a week.

If you want to really know a lot about my past, it's good you're reading this.
only up 2 page 42 I hope 2mrw goes okay.
< 3

This is how our world is fucked up

I'm grasping for something new. By something, I mean someone. Not cause I'm ready, but I just want to escape the pain and false hope I'm leaning on. I'm looking for the best out of these bad decisions. I need something new to come along. Maybe I don't NEED, but I really want someone. It's almost like this summer is me ruining everything I've worked for the past few months in college. I feel like I've really changed. I do. But being stuck in this town, I don't have a fucking clue what to do besides going back to settling for the same old. I don't feel like writing much more right now.

You don't have to fuck someone to feel less alone.
Sometimes just a simple hug can turn around your week.
I need that hug.

< 3

I don't plan on coming back here next summer

I hate the environment of this town.

I want bigger reasons to live for

Like Love.

< 3

P.S.

sometime these are more for myself than anyone else.

Where the fuck is it?

there is a body out there that was perfectly designed to fit with mine*


noone owes me anything. no empathy or truth, little trinkets or kind words. at the end of the day im just a boy. and i know that. im okay with that.

If I die before you I hope they bury you alive with me. In my head that is how I love you.

I never did understand why people ask you for love advice, but I think this one is one of your areas of expertise. None of my friends will pick up the fucking phones and my girlfriend of 6 months who I love with all of my heart just broke my heart into a million pieces. All I can do is cry. Any suggestions on moving on?
answered by peter on Jun 11 2006 12:17AM :
take some time and just surround yourself with people who care about you for you. watch the movie breakup- its pretty hilarious. find the one record that will get you through this and then when you are over it put the record away and dont listen to it again. thats my style- and look at how perfectly ive turned out- haha.

at the end of it the only thing that we are promised in life is a hole in the ground. sometimes it gets you through the rough patches just to think that you could change someone

you can learn to love anything if its around enough.

that i just want to stay up late and wake up early to talk to you.
that i want to show you all of my jealousy and insecurity and have you not care.
youre like a light switch and i just want to turn you on and watch them all shrink away.
the words come out of my fingertips on impulse. it is instinct.
my head cant keep up.
i envy the comatose. i admire the bedridden.
i am addicted to the way i feel when i think of you.

and i want to be myself again looking at my reflection in your eyes from the first time i failed you. i am nostalgic for disaster. i want it back.

regardless of what stars i end up under- for the best and for the worst- you have made me who i am. and i try to make myself more decent and better only because of you.

just as easily as you run away from your problems, you can run home to them.


these are all quotes from pete wentz's journals from past years. didn't know what else to do tonight. Some parts made me feel like i did two years ago, but in a comforting way. Some parts I understood, and I hadn't before. Some parts I can relate to so much better. Anyway, I think this was a good night. Praying for the girl I hung out with earlier in it. No deserves what happened to her years ago. It's one of those things you can't really accept, because that's how people end up dying. Feel like writing again like the old days. Because of these words he's wrote. But he's changed (and it fucking kills me. I almost miss it more than u). And so have I. At least I'd like to think. I won't be conceited ever. That's a goal more than a truth. Oh, and by the way it's sad that I have to hate him, just because he's with you. This is all random thoughts if you haven't gotten that by now. But back to that last one for one second, you will never be in the same place as me again. Unless you want to fuck or get married or die. I don't want you with anything else. But moving on, I'm past the days of writing words that I hope will end up in your mind late at night when all you want is sleep. I've started feeling a little like the old me lately though. I have a couple of people who I believe are really there and deff. care. But I can't stand people not getting back to me. I can't stand hanging out with someone and them enjoying it so much and being able to have fun and have serious conversations; but then not fucking hearing from them. "we should hang out" Then why dont you pick up your fucking phone once in a while and do something about it. Hate that everytime I think I might like a girl, she ends up with someone before I can figure it out. I miss the girl who was my best friend at the end of last summer. She hasn't talked to me in months. But I still try a lot. Makes me believe there is a such thing as being too hopeful. Anyway, this is getting long. Time for sleep. Hope tomorrow is a good day. I love you, but only as much as you show me that you love me. Cause otherwise, I just might get hurt. Good night. Peace.
end on page 31 of 127
mayb ill continue 2mrw night

<3

Sometimes, I don't know.

I don't understand things.
Like why people never fucking reach out to me. It gets so God damn annoying. I have to ask them how they are. Ask them how there day is going. Tell them we should hang out. Call them and ask them to hang out. FUCK!!!!! I have one person right now that will actually call me. One. It's at least one.
But there are other people that I care about that I wish would just hang out with me, or at least fucking talk to me. I don't get it. Is it me? Tell me if there's some how that it's my fault. Don't answer to this. It's not for you. It's for the people that don't even give a damn enough to read this.


Thnks fr th mmrs, even though they weren't so great.

This never get's written about the way it should.

It's nights like these, where I seriously feel like we as humans don't have the capability to express in words how great and emotional of a night this was. I love Ryan. But, this is what a best friend is. Tears were in my eyes. And to be honest, I think they were in his too. This is love like a brother. This is why I know this summer will be great.

When you care about someone so much that you are willing to die for them. Is that because you think they deserve to live more than you; or that you are too scared to live life without them?

<3

"And I don't know

And I can't guess
If we're gonna be ok
But now, my last wish
Is that you do this with me
Kiss me here, hold my hand
Let me feel like I'm the only one
I know you can
Won't you do it for me now"

Some pick up a blade,
I pick up this cd.

Something's missing...

in my life.
Help me find it


< 3

Be my escape?

I don't do good with nights alone when I'm home.

<3

Struggling

lost in this predicament
I don't know how to be someone I'm not.
I was fake enough in my life already.
I pretended for a few hours.
But where do we go from here? Is it to be left alone? Or do I go after it?
I don't like being put in these situations.


"we met at a party. We were both wasted."
I bet thats true of many marriages these days.


Hold me when you kiss me.
don't let go.
<

I LUVE U

this right now, is one of these moments that I get every so often. They can be considered rare. Moments, where for some reason or another, I just want to have unconditional love with someone. I just want, like I once had, someone to hold and kiss and never let go. Someone to fall asleep with, so waking up in the morning and knowing they are there makes everyday the best day ever. these moments, are the one's that seem more real than life ever could be. But they aren't beyond life. These are the moments I want to cry, but my eyes are dry. The moments that make me feel trapped. They hurt, they are a little painful. But nothing is better in the world than these moments. It's hard to describe them. A hug right now means nothing, unless it's from the one person that probably won't ever touch me again. This is pain. This is real. This is me feeling alone. This is my wanting to cry, and let it all out. But for some reason, it's trapped inside. These moments make everything else in my life seem to make sense. This is why I still don't believe in love a second time around.

I'm so hurt.
But I'm more alive then ever.
And there is something so special about that.
<3

the past

I'd write this in my journal, but I don't have it with me up at school. So writing this on here, I feel a little naked. But it's better than being completely covered up.

There have been two people who have majorly hurt me and had a part of my heart so far in my life. One was love, one was something else. The love, I have thought about so much that I was able to form some conclusions. I understand some things. that's not saying I'm over it, that's saying it allows me to get up in the morning. I would recognize the other one, but I never gave it much attention. She doesn't deserve it. However, she's influenced me. And I'm starting to finally understand something else about me. Something caused by her. I don't fully understand it (will i ever...). But, at least since her, I have been pulling people back into my life because I wish I could pull her back in. So pulling back in others, well, that's the next best thing. I don't think it's so much I miss her, as much as I just want to try to finally figure her out.

I'm scared of over this summer because I will have free time. I will only have a handful of people to hang out with. And when you don't have as much of something as you want, that's when you lower your standards. That's when I let in people who probably aren't as good friends as I would like.
And that could also go back to explaining me pulling people back in. That way, I already know how I'm gona get hurt.

The Used= one of my favorites : )
Also, finally started listening to Underoath. : )

This is why I don't talk to people when I get down. Give me a little time, and I figure it out on my own. And if I really need someone to talk to, I pick up the phone. I don't hesitate.

I hope this summer, I don't become the old me.
< 3

Fuck this

Week wasn't really good. Thought's are in my head about people I shouldn't be thinking about. This is how I end up alone in the end. And disappointed. Life is so fucked. Nice guys do finish last. Why the fuck is that? This summer will suck. Except for one weekend. Oh well. I should go back to feeling miserable on my own time.


Peace

missing it

I wish I knew someone that writes a blog like Pete used to. I miss reading my feelings before I even understood how to put them into words.


<3

Fuck

no matter how much you have dealt with them, found answers, and tried to move on.... some nights memories that you thought you would have forgotten creep back up on you. And as you lay down, it's like they are waiting on your pillow. The second contact is made, they creep into your head.
Life is good, then life is bad. I don't have really bad times anymore. I don't even want anyone to read this. I don't feel like it's worth it. Those days are behind me. I don't want advice. I probably know most of it already, so I just get annoyed. I don't want sympathy, I'm really not doing that bad. I'm fine if no one reads this one, or probably most of the one's from now on. Do something more fucking worthwhile with your time.
There's a girl. She's just a friend. I don't know how I feel about her. I don't know if I have the patience for her. I know she's a great person, but I don't know if we would be good for each other in this society. How fucked is that? I don't think I deserve her. Because of the way society makes me me. I don't think I could change enough. MOVE didn't show me who I was, MOVE showed me the best person I could become. Made me come very close to my potential. But back to society, I'm just less of that person.
Two people I've talked to a lot lately are in mental hospitals right now.
One attempted suicide.
Another one is more severely depressed than I've ever seen her.
And I need to get my best friend to call my old therapist so he can go see her.
Maybe I am looking for a little compassion, a little sympathy.
It's fucked that it's not okay to talk about this stuff. People don't know what to say to this. It's easier for people to help someone who is stressing out about a final than someone who is debating ending their own life. Not only that it's easier, but that most people would rather help the first. Most people would help the first.

You found me by the Fray just came on my itunes which is on random. I think that's a sign that I should attempt to fall asleep again.

"Peace to you and goodnight"
<3

I hope I'm changing for the right reasons.

Fall Out Boy is no longer my favorite band. There I said it. I will always love them; they just aren't #1 to me anymore. Went to their concert Tuesday. Had meet and greet. Meeting them was really awesome, but Pete didn't show. I won't get into how upset that made me. But it's not cause of that, I've kind of been feeling this way for awhile.

Summer,
I'm scared of what you will bring. It helps knowing I'll at least have one amazing weekend. But what about all the other days? What will they be like?


Good thing we are almost at the end.
I need a break.
<3

MOVE

what's that just kind of a slap in the face? saying, here, enjoy this weekend. Life will never be this good again.

People are so fucked up in this world

Think about it. It's fucked up. 90% at least. We are all good, but I guess people have become to scared to show it or have forgotten how. What ever happened to just hanging out? What happened to a night without drugs or alcohol? I look down on everyone. I would never leave this world because I'm not good enough to be in it. Only because I'm better than it all. I understand things very few ever would. Middle fingers up. Leave them there. Just hate everyone. No one has any good friends anymore. They are just all assholes and bitches that will talk behind each others backs. Not really be there. And won't talk about that. There's a 50% divorce rate, but we don't see that as a problem. What will happen when there's a 50% suicide rate?



Me vs. the World
It's not a fair fight
I'd say "fuck off" but that'd be hypocritical.

so many things bout the past 24 hours went wrong

I love seeing what you could call enemies fail. im an asshole. and a hypocrite. write me off. hate me. sometimes I hate myself. So I guess we at least have that in common. Where are the good people in the world?


"If we're fucked up, you're to blame"
<3

I hate myself sometimes

but before you look or talk down on me, look in the mirror. No one is perfect. In fact, we all have moments when we just seem like complete assholes to everyone around us. Even the most caring people. We find out what's real, but then we go back into a society which is so hard. Today, someone in my Ethics class, was in a very interesting discussion about freedom, and self-respect and whatnot. He shared a personal experience; when we lived in the dorms years ago and his roommate and roommate's friend came in drunk one night and they just beat the shit out of him. You couldn't even tell it was him. Why did they do it? Because he's gay. He moved out, and years later he is now going to the school again. But he feels like no one there will understand him. He goes to his classes, does his homework, and goes back home. He has one person he actually talks to. That's it. One friend on a campus of thousands. This really hit me, as it should. I raise my hand to comment on it, and I had something else to say, I can't remember; but I was going to start off by saying; "I'm sorry that happened to you. That's screwed up, and I can't blame you at all for isolating yourself after that. But I hope you are able to see the good people too." Or something like that. The professor didn't notice me, and just made a quick comment about it and moved on. No one said to him that it was wrong that that happened to him. It was unfair. That he didn't deserve it. No one said sorry. And I was thinking about how I wanted to talk to him when class ended. Just offer to listen, maybe tell him about TWLOHA and building community. Or just say if he'd be up for it, I'd love to just sit and talk with him sometime, get to know him. But then I was thinking about it. How hard it is to do that. How I felt like I knew no one else in the class would say anything to him. It's almost expected. And that is so FUCKED UP! Why is it that I feel uncomfortable going up to someone like that and offering to listen? Why is it that everyone does? Cause I mean, no one else did, so they either felt uncomfortable or worse didn't care. I walked out of the class and walked to the end of the hallway. I stood at the stairs, waiting for him to come planning on talking to him for a minute. But he came out, got a hug from his one friend; and headed the other way. I didn't head after him. I want to write him a letter, give it to him Monday. Or just offer to talk to him Monday after class. (though I like the idea of a letter more because I have a class shortly after that one) And that leads to another thing. Why the fuck is it in our society, that a class, a job, a homework assignment or anything like that seems more important than having a conversation, or being there for someone who is going through shit? When I was real depressed, I'd skip school a decent amount. But i think it helped my recovery process so much. And I hate that I have conversations with people going through an absolute load of shit. But they don't feel they can skip a day of school, or blow off an assignment. They don't think they can say forget school, I need to help myself right now. ITS FUCKED. And maybe there is some psychological explanation. But it needs to change. And it needs to change right now. I'm not involved in TWLOHA and whatnot just to help people with depression and suicide and those things. I think it can overall make the world a better place. Anyway, I got off topic a little bit there. I hope I do talk to this guy in my class. I'm hypocritical for what I just said, I know. I walked away when I could've chased after him. But I think that goes into the idea that we are all broken. I know I'm wrong too. But helping broken people makes the helpers less broken too. It's a two way process. It just needs to start. I don't know if I'm just writing this to clear my conscience, motivate myself, or motive others. But I'm sure there is a reason for it. I have made this too long already, even though I haven't even said half of what I would like to. Maybe in another blog, maybe in another conversation, maybe in another life.

It always goes back to u

what if the real reason im doing all of this, is just to hope that some day you'll respect me again? that I want for a day to come where you will be proud to say you loved me. that you knew me. what if this really is just me wanting your approval? another hug?
I'm not saying any of this is a bad thing, I'm just saying it's possible. Maybe I'm ok with it.

Ugh

one of those days where you do everything right, and you're supposed to feel good. but it seems no one will let you.
you feel like you are a good person, but where are all your friends when you just want to talk?


<3

I love good days

They've been happening a lot since the conference.
Can' wait for this summer.
Living in the now.

<3

7 more weeks and then I hope we can be friends again

there's still so much unresolved in my life. and I can't live with it all. That's why I'm always afraid to be alone. Memories will creep back. I don't know if I should call if love, but fuck. I care, and I care a lot. I mean, we haven't talked in 6 or 7 months and you are still in my prayers every night. You are on my mind right now. If it wasn't you, It'd probably be something else. I'm not going to feel ok tonight. Maybe tomorrow I will. But how do I get through tonight? That's rhetorical. Been reading up on the meaning of life today. It's funny how much we can talk about something that we don't know shit about. I'm more worried about how a few certain people are doing than I am about dying. What does that mean?


Sometimes you just have days where those gaps that you try so well to hide in your heart come out anyway.
<3

I'm going back in time, but pushing ahead faster than ever

Waking up not tired.
Going to sleep before 11 every night.
I feel like a little kid again

Actually having days that I believe are productive.
Getting so much done in one day.
Having conversations everyday that matter.
That go so deeper then "hey, what's up?"
Helping people
People helping me.
My brain feels like it's finally being used.
Maybe the chemicals are balancing out.
My heart seems to tell me I'm home.
I feel every beat.
A week ago I meant a group of people I now feel like I can call my best friends.
We are hundreds if not thousands of miles apart but I feel we are only going to be getting closer.
The sun is shining and I feel the energy.
But don't go too fast.
Stop and look at what's around.
Take in the natural beauty.
The only kind of beauty.
Staring at a tree for ten minutes.
The little things matter again.

Every morning I wake up. I mean that in so much more than the sense of opening my eyes. I feel alive and not just because I have a pulse, but what the pulse means. It's beating for a purpose. And this one, this time, I will never lose faith. I can see myself taking this with my until the grave. But it will carry on from my tombstone. Because It's so much bigger than me. I know they are on my side. And when you find out who exactly "they" is... we'll that's when you find some of the best people in the world. Let's meet at the top of the tallest mountain in a year. Just to tell the world how far we've come. As individuals. And the people that deserve it so much more than me; as a community. This isn't getting credit to be polite, this is giving credit where it's truly due.
If you feel like you are falling.... we will probably be waiting to catch you.

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TWLOHA conference

Ironically, I come back and start doing work. I find out I have to write a paper describing an amazing experience I've had. EASY!:

This past weekend, I was lucky enough to go to a conference in Coco Beach, FL. It was a conference for starting a chapter at UML for To Write Love On Her Arms. TWLOHA is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and also invest directly into treatment and recovery. This mission statement doesn’t do justice for the movement that has so many caring people working for them. People who I was fortunate enough to be around from Thursday till Saturday.
The issues discussed here are things I hold so close to my heart; things I want to live for so I can help people walk down their paths less alone. It was exciting to me because I was able to have honest conversations about topics that can unfortunately sometimes be hard to talk about. People with amazing stories surrounded me. The counselors, speakers, interns, and also the 24 other people who attended this session of the conference. We all had such a care for this movement, and I think that’s why we ere able to become so close right away.
The first night I felt like I was surrounded by best friends who I’d known not just for a few hours; but for a lifetime. There was so much lightness filling the room during these conversations about such dark, heavy topics. But these people had some of the best personalities I’ve ever met; and they were normal. They were real. We would walk on the beach, go in the pool, eat at IHOP at midnight and talk in the hotel lobby until 2 or 3 in the morning. I felt this sense of community. I felt loved, and I loved everyone around me.
The conference ended, but the movement is still just beginning. Some of the relationships I made there I believe will last throughout my life. We are planning to meet next summer again, and all already miss each other. It was an amazing weekend, and I am so glad I went. I feel like these words do it an injustice. That it was better than I could ever possibly explain. That the personalities were more creative, unique, and caring than I could ever describe. The passion stronger than anything else in our lives. We were all grateful learning and spreading the word that love is the movement.

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Today I realized why my dream hasn't come true

When you think you have everything figured out.
Go back to the first step again, because you are probably wrong.


<3

don't ever forget it

you just need to admit your down before you can start to get back up.


who makes your life worth living right now? thank them.
if you feel there isn't anyone, go out of your way tomorrow to say hi to someone.
its amazing how much one person can turn your life around
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With one slip, goes my hope

I'm falling again. I lasted longer than I did before. But how can you judge improvement when at the end always lies failure? It's not as simple as it seems though. Give me some credit, I'm not that shallow. It's everything I've been holding in. Trying to push forward. Am I really better when a bad test grade and a sad song can slip my mind right back into where it used to be? Questions never get answers. So why do we ask them? Because we know other people wonder the same things, but they just can't bring themselves to say it. Every time we fall, we are still helping others. After all I've been through, I want some fucking answers. But maybe the ones I'm looking for only come with death.
I thought I was getting better. But before I had the chance to be sure, no one gave me the chance to change. Heck, I had given up on myself, so I guess it's hard to blame them for doing the same. With every minute the phone doesn't go off, the lonesome grows. I spent yesterday in a room alone all day. It felt horrible. My heart goes out to people that have given up on their chance for of a happy life. No wonder I feel the way I do. The odds are against me. I'd ask fate for help but I don't have a fucking clue where it stands. I'd ask friends for help, but I don't have a fucking clue where they stand.

I'm fine with 100 people leaning on me, as long as I can lean on one person. Just one. To listen. To give me a hug. That's all I ask.

It's hard to fight against standards everyone is counting on you to, when you don't even know if they are the right standards for you.

"My bed so cold so lonely,
No arms just sheets to hold me,
Has this world stopped turning,
Are we forever to be apart?
Forever to be apart,"

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Thoughts get to you when you are alone all day

What if all this time I'm really trying to figure out who I am is a waste? What if all I'm doing is becoming someone I'm not? Which would be why I've never felt satisfied, why I still feel alone from time to time. It makes so much sense to ask:
What if all of who I really am, is who I was with you?



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Let's start a new society

One where everyone tells you how much they care before you die
They don't wait until your wake to give you some of their time
They put you before a paper, or a job. Because you really are worth it.
They decided they'd rather listen to you than their tv.
A society where people are always honest, and for the right reasons
One where you help someone who can't afford food before you buy a second house.
Where work is rewarded in appreciation rather than money.
Where everyone will want hugs more than sex.
Let's start a new society, where everyone realizes love is the best thing this world has to offer.


But all of this only exists in one place.
Heaven.

It's no wonder I barely understand any of you.
As much as you may think you do, you don't have a damn clue about yourselves.

Goodnight
<3

best friends for a few months, then college gets in the way

less than a year ago, your story grabbed my heart.
and and overtime, my heart grabbed your story.
who you are, who you could be. I see both.
I don't think a lot of people do.

Do you need to get out of that town?
Just give me a call, I'll make the drive down.
We can drive away forever
or until you feel better
whichever comes first.
being with you is never a waste to me.
your worth it more than anything else i know.
it's love, but not in the let's get married way
(at least not now)
i'm here to help you out.
i'd leave this all for you.
but you dont know any of this.
a few weeks ago we ran into each other.
it took 3 seconds for me to know that "i'm doing fine" meant the same thing it always did
let me show you your so much more than another troubled kid
dont hide in shame
ill give you a purpose for that pain

<3

I don't think anyone should have to go through that with a loved one.

I'm use to waiting in long lines
but usually for good reasons.
seems like you'll be fine
until reality hits you
as you kneel in front of the casket
expecting to see her move.
but she's not ever going to again

i dont know of any words that could fill that gap which would make this seem just a little less innocent, hurtful
this afternoon i wanted to give every enemy a hug and say "i'm sorry"
"here are all the things i meant, but i never said"
to me, saying sorry means admitting that you were right
whoever you are.
and in some cases, thats not what i mean when i want to say "sorry"
we are all alike. we all die someday. and none of us knows when that day will come.
snow flies towards my face, but they collide with the windshield before they can get there
had to pull over cause the wipers dont get rid of tears
I'm going to try to be a better person.
i think i have a way with words. but i want to use that to help people.
i want to really change. i want to be nice and caring 100% of the time instead of 60.
take my sarcasm and stupid shit and throw it in the bin of stuff i dont want
I hope I can do this. I hope I can start out fresh.

Even though I didn't know you very well, I will miss you.
You and your family and friends all will remain in my prayers for some time.
<3

Dear God,

how do we get sleep on a night like this?


<3

RIP Krystal

news that makes us all silent.
words don't seem to be of any help at times like these.
at least the words that we helplessly try to spring together.
but conversations are the only thing that can make it seem like time isn't standing still durning these moments.
my heart goes out to those of you that knew her well.
my prayers to those of you who aren't sure how you can move on right now.
Time is the best healer.


<3

I'm

lonely.


<3

Please

"The cure is if you let in just a little more love,
I promise you this, A little's enough"


It works out best for all of us.
This isn't met for one person.
This is met for everyone.

Dear Pete,
Your words keep my going everyday. I'm starting to slow down. Can you put down a few more on that keypad?


Love,
Kevin

Hopefully the second time works. Because I don't want to wait for a third.

On the night of April 28, 2008 I will be meeting Fall Out Boy.

My mind is having trouble comprehending the above statement at the moment. I can't express how excited I am. I love that bands do this. I have no idea at the moment what I'm going to say to them. Thankfully, I have 79 days to think about it. It's amazing. This, in some ways, is the end of it for me. The climax in one of the very large chapters of my life. What I've been waiting for.

What will I say to Andy Hurley?
What will I say to Joe Throman?
What will I say to Patrick Stump?
What will I say to Pete Wentz?

This is the biggest problem in my life right now. And what a great problem it is to have.


Goodnight (even though I doubt I'll be able to fall asleep anytime soon)
<3

i started falling today

but i picked myself up.


It happens to all of us. Don't forget to be happy and recognize the times you overcome whatever it is you're battling.
You can always try again.
Do one more lap.
Answer one more question.
Give one more chance.
Love one more time.
Let in one more person.
Turn one more page.
Live one more day.


Madina Lake- my secret love.


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I know I should try to get through the next 15 weeks

I just don't know if I can.

Acoustic Adalia by Madina Lake on repeat.


Read this. Analyze that. Answer these questions. All this to safe lives. But I feel I can, I am right now.
Such a predicament.

Pray for those who need help but aren't strong enough to accept it.
<3

I'm going to try to go to sleep early 2night.

fr me anyway.


<3

I saw eight deer on my block coming home tonight.

It happened about ten minutes ago. But I guess I think it was cool enough to share. None of the stared in the headlights, they all just kinda ran away.
Saw an old friend tonight. I wish I could help her more. I think that's the worst feeling in the world. When you can't really help someone you care about, you just feel so helpless. It sucks. I want to say "I'm Sorry". I wish things could go back to the way they were. Fuck college. It just sucks too, because I don't want to seem like I care too much. If there's one thing to learn from this (even though nothing good has come out of this for me tonight,) it's don't pass up helping someone when you have the chance. Cause you don't know if you'll be able to next time. Or ever again.

I've already said everything else I want to add here right now.
<3

To Write Love on Her Arms Spring Break Conference

I'm going. I'm so excited!




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Where do I belong here?

The wind roars in between the buildings.
Leaves would fly through the air,
but the snow has buried them all.
My soul would fly away if the cold weather didn't keep it company.
"So what's new?"
The same old, breaking hearts and falling asleep alone night after night.
But I signed myself up for a new fight.
I'm trying to become something nice.
There's still time to place your bets,
I'm still in the early rounds.
I've taken a few hits but I'm giving it all I got.

Ever realize why we hate?
It's so much easier to get our emotions out in negative ways. If we yell at someone, or do something that seems heartless, and pretend to not care; we think its better for us. It allows us to get out our emotions with out the risk of getting hurt. If we really don't care, we let things go. But it's in our nature to care. We basically always will. If we say "i hate you", or anything negative and/or along those lines; we get our emotions out without taking the risk of getting ourselves hurt. If we say, "look, I care and I want to work this out" we make ourselves become vulnerable. We open our hearts, but along with that we open a chance that we will get hurt. It makes sense for those with trust issues, or those going through bad times as well I think; because they will push people away instead of letting them in for the sole reason that they are afraid to get hurt again.
We can solve this by really working on our own emotions, and every now and then, telling the people we care about, that we care about them. That way it won't end up in a situation where it's "too late". And it's nice to hear. We have to try to be strong, and in certain cases opening our hearts to those we care about. We might get hurt, but it's worth taking the chance. Because we might become closer with that person that we ever imagined. I think, hopefully, that you get the general idea of what I'm trying to get across.

I must get back to this thing they call college.
Stay warm, keep your hearts warmer
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A purpose for the pain

I can honestly say, that in the past month, I believe I have become a better person. I have done a lot of soul searching, and I know how I want to go through this life. Well, I at least have a better idea. I also can say that I don't have a doubt in my mind that I did a lot of good things over this break. I hope what I have learned about myself, life, God, and the world we live in stays with me. I hope that I can help as many people as possible. I'm glad this break went the way it did. And I still have some of it left. Every moment, is one that you can do something good in.


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Growing up- in the sense of knowledge

I've realized that a lot of things I have said and/or done in the past I now disagree with. With what I know and how I felt in the past, I made decisions and opinions on what I knew. But I have grown with knowledge and understand so many things, and I feel that now I have present ideas which conflict with ones I've had in the past. It's hard with that in life. We are, or at least I am, trying to always figure out more. Find answers to everything. It gets aggravating to me though when I realized how different I am in some ways from the person I used to be.
And tonight, I have realized that there are some things I have done in my past that I have not forgiven myself for. There are things which when brought up, I still struggle to find answers. It might be part of life, and I'm sure there will be somethings that I will never forgive myself for. But I do feel like shit about them. It bothers me. One thing that is a fact to me is that at the end of the day, a simple question mark as an answer is a very acceptable answer.


<3

I love Fall Out Boy

They all are so real. Pete is a guy that I think I won't figure out in this lifetime; but I can't get over that. Everything he writes goes straight to my heart. He is someone so special to me. I have yet to meet then, and part of me hopes I never do. Because I know I won't be able to show to any of the four of them how much I appreciate their music and how much they all mean to me; along with what they have helped me through. I'm so excited for this upcoming tour. I'm so excited I'm going to be seeing them in MA on a Tuesday, and then again at Bamboozle on Sat. It's something I dreamed about a couple of years ago. I will stop here, because I am extremely tired, and I could go on for all night.


Help me become the best person I can be.
I want to be someone, that the old u (the u I'm in love with). Could look at and be proud of. Even with understanding everything I've been through. I want approval from where my heart remains.
Ever just stop, look back on the past couple of years of your life and say "wow"? I'm glad I am where I am right now.
I love my friends.
Goodnight
<3

There something missing....

I need to meet someone new


<3

Life could be going better

I need to work on changing who I am. I want to really help people. And I need to work on changing myself. I need to stop screwing around so much and stop doing stupid shit all the time. I have other ways to release, and I need to do them. I need to really work on myself. I might need a little help, and I hope I get it.


Give me strenght
<3

Note on hypocrites

I have said that one of, if not the, hardest things to do in life is not be a hypocrite. We all look down on people when we realize they catch themselves in a moment when they are one. We look down on the person because of the frustration. They know that they shouldn't do or say whatever they are; because they have spoken and/or acted against it. The first, and I think hardest step; is realizing that you have done something wrong. If you're being a hypocrite, then you already know that. You just need to do it. But because you have already figured it out yet aren't acting on it; it becomes very frustrating.

In life we take to many things for granted. We think to deeply about large ideas when we haven't thought deeply about the little ones. The worst part of it is taking people in our lives for granted. Don't! Thank people and show appreciation. And just in general, recognize that there is a difference between reading or listening to something and agreeing with it afterwards. And reading or listening to something while agreeing with it because it shares a thought that you have concluded on your own.


Goodnight
<3

Honest conversations= a reason worth living

I want to scream I love you from the top of my lungs

But I'm afraid that someone else will hear me.*



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