Winter in New England

It's getting cold outside. Snow hasn't lied itself on the ground yet, but it will soon. This is an interesting time of year for me. I've especially lately become more fascinated with nature. This fall has meant motorcycle rides up to Newport to sit and stare out at the ocean. I'm not quite sure what winter means for me right now. It's a time of year that people spend more of inside. These four walls are getting to me. This is the time of year where it's great to have someone to cuddle up next to. But not all of us have that.

I know that I will always love people. Yesterday I grabbed coffee with a friend. On the ride home, we blasted music and sang our hearts out. It was the most alive I've felt in a while. I love interacting with people, and going out and exploring. I'm excited to get back to college, to be around people. That's one of the best things about college, the community in it. There are always people doing spontaneous, exciting, new things. It's so easy to meet new people.

I don't really know what else to write right now, but I want to write something. I want to give more, and to feel more connected. I want these words to feel like a hug for someone. I think that would be nice. One thing that has remained constant for me over the past few years is that I want to share my life and this journey with others. I want to inspire and support as many people as I can. I care. I genuinely care; and nobody's perfect, but I do try. Damn it, I just want to make this world a little better of a place before my time is up.

I don't know what my future holds, but I feel like it's something big. I'm a leader. Not everyone can get up and speak in front of hundreds of people, organize and run things with as much passion and hard work as I have. I have some gifts and I'm hoping I learn the best ways to use them. The non-profit world is sounding very promising. Now, I think it's time to read and then get some sleep.

I hope tomorrow brings you happiness, and a warm, bear like hug from someone you care about.

< 3

My mind is racing

So many things I'm excited for in the future are getting closer and closer.

The next two days will be relaxing and enjoyable, which will be good after the week I had. I'm thankful for meeting new people. It's always fun asking questions; it's the best way to get to know people. I think that's something I've become pretty good at over the years, asking questions. It's humbling, in the sense that you are more interested in what you can learn than what you can teach someone. I like conversations that are full of questions.

There are many good friends in Lowell I can't wait to hang out with.

Going to try to get some sleep.

<3

"I get by with a little help from my friends"

It's kinda of like a born again type of thing....
I read about Love about a week ago before I went to bed. A book by Leo. The next morning I woke up in a wonderful mood. I'm continuing to read, and wake up in wonderful moods. I'm proud and content with the person I am. I'm so thankful for the people in my life right now. My friends are amazing. Yes, I miss some friends in Lowell, and Florida, but I have good friends around here, and I have people that I can text, call, skype and stay in touch with. It's great to feel like you're sharing you're day with someone. Wether it's a person you are hanging out with, or just talking to about stuff.

Yesterday I sat on a bench staring out at the Boston Harbor with Logan airport behind it. My best friend was next to me. We were just talking and taking it all in. Every time a plane flew off I said bye. I thought about how many people where on each flight. Wondered where they were heading and why they were going there. Excited to go on a vacation, or flying back towards loved ones struggling with heavy hearts. Some probably felt so alone. I remember the last time I was flying back to Florida when I lived down there. With about a half hour left in the flight, I took my headphones off. I started having a great conversation with the gentleman next to me. Talking about Florida, where we were from, and sharing experiences in life. It was nice. I decided that when I go back to Florida in Jan, I'm really going to try to have a conversation with someone on the flights. I talk so much about how I want to reach out, share love, and know others. I don't practice as much as I preach, and that's something I'm trying to work on.

I know I'm not perfect. I know I have hurt many people in my life. I know I have done things that I shouldn't have. Things that have hurt myself, others, and made this world a little less of a good place. But I also know that tomorrow is a new day. And that gives anyone and everyone the chance to be a leader. To step up and start out a new, fresh start. I wake up to the singing of the words "It's a new day" every morning.

I have very recently learned to accept that sometimes we just need to let certain people out of our lives. Not everyone on this earth can connect nor live in harmony with each other. People experience life in different ways, and chance at different paces. Sometimes it doesn't all add up. This can hurt to accept, but it can make us all healthier individuals. I remember a quote that Leo had heard, "If we can love each other, can we at least not hurt?". Is that beautiful to live by or what? I think so.

There are beautiful people around you with kind hearts that can share the joys, pains, questions and all parts of life in harmony with you. Or at least only a half step off. But it still sounds pretty good. Hug hard. Smile even when you're not sure if you should. Have hope. Live with passion in your heart.
I want to make this world a better place and fill it with more love. Let's make this journey into a movement that will be remembered forever.

< 3

Winter

And I feel like my head is full of nothing but questions....

Tuesday can't come soon enough.

< 3

Life is simple and boring right now... and I'm learning to be okay with that

I play xbox a lot. I only have a couple of friends around here that I hang out with, and I'm so broke that I can't really afford to drive up to Boston or Lowell to see friends (I could, but I'm choosing to go back to FL in a month instead, and I must save up!). Getting a few more hours at work, which helps. I was in a funk for a little while. But I woke up this morning and I was in a good mood. I think it really has a lot to do with the fact that I read before I went to sleep last night. More so what I read about, love and human nature, than the fact that I read. But it was really nice. I woke up with hope today and a smile. It was raining but I was fine with that.
I don't have a lot of passion in my life right now. I don't feel super connected, and I can't say I have a ton of things that make me feel alive. This is temporary, and I know that. Life is a long journey, and not all of it can be awesome and super exciting.
As I said before, I'm learning to love the little things more. I went out to dinner with my dad tonight. I can't say it was a bad day after typing that sentence. The only constant in our lives is change.

I have a poster of a Shuttle taking off from the Kennedy Space Center in my room. I wake up every morning with the reminder that dreaming isn't just only okay, but necessary in life.

Here's to hoping for a good hug tomorrow.

< 3

Believe

I want to believe in something again with my whole heart. I want to feel needed, wanted, and useful. Somebody walk into my life, or walk further in if you're already a part of it.

Right now.

UP



Me
Pick
My
Be


<3

A few thoughts

My brain will never feel as full as my stomach did today. This I am sure of.

I've been thinking a lot the past few days. I got wrapped up in the end of the book I was reading, and loved it. Reading > tv or xbox.

In the book Donald Miller tells the story of how he goes on what he kind of calls a pilgrimage. He is looking for answers to questions, to the "why" questions, and looking to learn so much about life. He does many amazing things on this trip, including hiking the grand canyon, playing a made up golf game a midnight with friends, climbing into caves, and watching the sun rise and set. His answers to these questions seem to be in all of these activities. See, he gets so caught up in the beauty and happiness of it all that he stops asking the questions. I'm inspired by this, but it also holds true a saying I've heard: "Every answer just leads to more questions." And I mean, that is a good thing, please don't get me wrong. Now I'm sitting here wondering if life is meant to be spent discovering this beauty as much we possibly can, or to just remember that it's there, and to go experience it when we need to. The answer is somewhere in the middle. I guess I need to just learn where that is. Because I believe that watching the sunrise is more beautiful than the body of some girl that you're just hooking up with.

I also have came to a very interesting realization about drinking as we get older. I have done a good amount of drinking this past month, actually it goes back a little further than that. I think we all get to this stage in life at some point. Maybe it's not drinking but something different for other people, but follow me on this for a minute. I have learned this to be true at least for me. I spend the majority of my average day doing things that I don't like, such as school or work. I don't like these things because see, I'm always trying to figure out more about who I am, and what makes me unique as a person. I want to understand both my flaws and my strengths. Spending my time at a job or in a classroom that doesn't allow me to be my own person, or interact with people in the way I would like to challenges this. I think that this happens to us so much that we start to forget who we really are. For me, drinking is what I have used lately to help me bring back my original self. I mean, drinking just allows you to be more honest, and more of yourself; and that's what I want to get out of it. That's what I have been getting out of it in a way, and that's why I've continued it.

I got my credit card bill in yesterday, and realized that I have spent far too much money on alcohol. I need to really cut back on my spending. I have always known in the back of my head that drinking so much probably isn't the best thing, but now I finally have a reason that I need to calm down with it; and this is making me face it. Please don't get me wrong, I haven't been going out every night getting drunk, I just choose to have a few beers every few days and when I'm out with friends. So I'm trying to cut back on all of that. I know that it would help if I understood why I was drinking so much, and this is what got me to thinking so much about all of this.

So, I now have about a month left at home before I go back to school. As much as it can be hard to find things to do, and people to hang out with, I'm going to try to do more of the things I have been the past couple of days. I have been reading a lot. I have been having conversations with people, and spending more time with my family. Tonight, I sat in my living room with my parents, brother, and his fiancee. We just talked for awhile. (They talked longer without me. I was downstairs playing xbox, and I've realized that the holidays and family seem to make me want to be a loner a bit. But those are thoughts for another blog, maybe the next one.) It was really freaking nice to just sit there and talk. I enjoyed it and I realized how rare and special a moment like that is. I'm thankful for that more than anything else today. I hope that you are thankful for things in your life. If not, I encourage you to go check out the TWLOHA blog Jamie posted today. Lastly, I hope tomorrow rocks for you. And a little thought: Whatever present you're going to wait in line 4 hours for.... I can bet you that it would mean so much more to the person if you just spent 4 hours with them.

Idea: For a week, at the end of each day, look back on the day and think about it as if it was you're last day alive. Ask yourself what things you'd be glad you did that day, and what things you're mad you wasted time on. I think this is something that could teach a lot.


I have no idea if you still read these. I texted you today. I think I want to hear back because I know if you're willing to talk to me then I know that I'm doing okay. That I've gotten a little better, a little healthier. Because I know that you wouldn't want to talk to me if I haven't changed. Maybe I'll marry you, maybe we'll never talk again. But I know that you were and still are a big part of my life. I know that it's okay to talk about you (without dwelling on things). I'm still learning from you. Where ever you are, what ever you're doing; I hope you can take something good from me. Because even if I never get to give you any of my love again, you have, and will forever inspire me to love others. To give people the benefit of the truth and hope. To hug so hard that we are squeezing the pain out of each other. Love has many different meanings. But I know this, I love you. I have loved others, and I will probably love others in the future. But it's okay to love you. And if you read this and it touches you're heart, but you don't reach out to me, please know that's okay. I'll pray to Buddah that you're doing alright.

Okay, I'm feeling a little lonely tonight, and this now needs to end. But I'm glad I'm choosing this life. I'm proud of the things I write, like this blog, that come from it. We are always learning.

< 3

Midnight Golf

Late at night in the back seat of her car, losing track of time. It is so cold out, and we were freezing before, but not our bodies are pressed together and the layers are coming off. Our tongues are now doing the flirting our words were a week ago. A car is coming closer, and we pause and listen, then watching the headlights move up the street. Once we know they've gone by we continue. Our hands explore each other's bodies, and all signs lead to this going further.
You'd think we were a couple of teenagers, not people in their early and mid 20s.
I can't help but say I'm bored with it. Feeling the closeness and the heat of someone else's body than is rubbing against your own is a nice feeling, but it really doesn't mean shit if you're hearts not involved. The worst sex I've ever had was with a girl who was quite possibly the most attractive. To be honest, I just didn't get a shit about her as a person, I didn't know her at all, so it was hard to enjoy it. It was hard to enjoy because I was lonely and I knew it. Because I was trying to fill that void with the hopelessness of a "hook up".
I'm learning this isn't what I want. Its frustrating to live in a society that is filled with sex appeal, nudity, and seduction. By itself, it all leads to nowhere good. I don't want to have a girlfriend right now. I don't want a fuck buddy, or friends with benefits, or anything like that. I want to continue to be on my own and try to learn more about life.
I want to learn to be more creative in new ways. In the amazing book I'm reading (Through the Painted Desert), the guys have just stopped to visit a friend in a small town in Cali. They ask the friend what there is to do for fun around there. The friend ends up sneaking them into a golf course, and they running around the place hitting balls in the dark aiming for each other. Yes it's a little dangerous, and not totally legal, but it's a hell of a lot more fun than going to see a movie, or playing video games, or sitting on your computer, or getting drunk. I remember the times in high school I would hang out with people and we would always end up doing crazy random shit. Yes, it was stupid and reckless sometimes, but it was OURS. We had our own creativity and we were putting it to work. I want to find my own way to use that creativity in my life now. I want to find my version of midnight golf; and do it every night until I'm bored of it. And then I want to find the next thing like it. Because doing things like that, they just allow you to feel alive and free in a way that is special.

What's your Midnight Golf?
< 3

Knowing what I want is a start.

i just want to feel like im a part of something that is allowing others to feel like they're a part of something, and i want it to be for a good cause

< 3

Broken, just like always.... and that's okay.

I lay here having pushed yet another of countless people out of my life yesterday. Money is extremely tight right now, and I'm trying so hard to not let it worry me. I have so many questions, and sometimes I can feel so lost and alone; but I'm learning over and over again how that's not the case.
It doesn't matter what point you are at in your life. If you are struggling with something, then you aren't alone. If you have dreams and desires that you want to talk more about, then you should. You CAN find people that will relate to you. I'm learning that I have an amazing gift, and that I have something special which was given to me. I'm meant to help people. The fact that I've fucked up and walk around with my own baggage doesn't change that. It seems like this world is starting to fall into a downward spiral. I'm getting stronger everyday. When the opportunity comes, I want to be able to hold up my share.

Hey Kevin,
It's okay to feel lonely sometimes. It's okay to spend a weekend night sitting home alone chilling with your parents or doing nothing at all. It's okay if you're 21 and don't drink. It's okay believe in yourself.

<3

My head won't let me go to sleep

I don't feel accomplished out of this day, and I think that's why I stay up so late soooo many nights. I think that's why a lot of us do. I hope that for me this starts to change soon.

< 3

"Wouldn't it be nice if the whole winter was like this?"

Sitting by the ocean never gets old. Today was absolutely beautiful. And as I drove my motorcycle out to Newport, RI I was trying to get in touch with nature. I was trying to ignore all the billboards and stores, and focus on the natural beauty. I appreciated driving over the Mt. Hope Bridge for the sake that it allowed me to see the landscape from a different perspective. I didn't really find my appreciation until I was on the ocean drive in Newport. I stopped at the park (can't remember the name even though I've been there a hundred times), and got off my bike. By myself, I climb out to the edge of the rocks that stick out into the ocean, and I just sat there. I watched the waves come in, some of them crashing further out at sea and not even making it near me. I studied the beauty of that point where the water meets the horizon. There is something peaceful about that. Something that allows this to clear my mind in a sense that nothing and nobody can in any way similar. I just sat there and felt content with life. In that moment, there were no problems. There was no future and no past, just the present. The slight breeze hitting my face, the sound of the waves crashing all around me, and the smell of low tide. I felt happy. I felt in touch with nature in a sense that I think is far too rare in today's society. I want to do this more often. I want to get lost in nature, and find myself through it. I want to be content with life and not has worries or desires pertaining to money, a job, a place to live, or any material items. I just want to be okay with being who I am, knowing that I can survive on my own, and trying to share my love with others as much as possible. The ocean is beautiful.

There are questions that we ask because of others, and then there are questions that have been here since the beginning of time. I'm trying to focus on the latter.

Here's to hoping tomorrow I get to share a hug with someone.
< 3

To the waitress from IHOP tonight,

You are beautiful. I hope that makes you smile, because you seemed stressed tonight. I mean, they left you with a section that had only empty ketchup bottles, so I can understand. But I want you to smile, because I feel like it can only make you more beautiful. You are wearing this generic, uniform but have still found a way to present yourself as unique. You show off your own style, and that's attractive; something that doesn't happen enough in this day and age. I don't know your story, or anything about you for that matter, but I find myself sitting here wanting to. I want to buy you a cup of coffee and just talk with you. Better yet, I just want to listen first, because I feel like you have amazing thoughts, ideas, dreams, fears, and questions that you don't get to share with the world enough. And damn it, you're special, and I feel like you maybe haven't heard that enough. I want to learn who you are, so I can hug you and it can have a special meaning, so I can look into your beautiful eyes and whisper "I believe in you" right before I get lost in them. I want you to know that my night is better because I got to meet you. I hope 4 am comes fast, so you can go home and get some rest. I hope that you can fall asleep to peaceful thoughts that will lead you to a kind dream; and I hope that dream doesn't stop when you wake up.

P.S. Thanks for the pancakes. : )

<3

I want to have a night where I don't feel so alone.

Today I went out, bought, and started reading "Through Painted Deserts" by Donald Miller. I'm not very far into it, but I'm already very excited. Reading this makes me want to go out and explore even more so. And I am saying that in a healthier way now. I was running away from something for a little while, but I have come to terms with it. But back to traveling. I had a trip down to Florida with friends, twice. But to me I was there more for the destination than the journey, and I regret that. Makes sense, seeing I was living for the future instead of in the present at that time. I want to drive out west, with a friend, maybe two. I want to have no particular destination, no deadlines or plans. I want to feel that free. I want to experience, learn, and grow from that.
I wish I didn't fear money so much. Maybe I'll learn not to.

"When our dreams gave way to plans, other friends faded back into thoughts of responsibility and comfort." I'm looking for the people who won't fade.
It doesn't have to be a road trip, but I want to be surrounded by people going after their dreams. There are inspirational stories everywhere. Journeys that seemed impossible were challenged, and it turned out they weren't impossible at all. We have landed on the freakin Moon for God's sake!!!! I want to find my dreams in life and really go after them. Personally, I think it's very difficult to figure out one's dreams when one is surrounded by so much pressure, stress, negativity, and influence. I think we need to maybe step away from all of that. My dog wanted to be outside today. She came in and kept wanting to go back out. She wanted to be experiencing nature, and feel free. I can relate to that so much. Part of me wanted to kick down the fence and run wild with her. Maybe I should've.

But I think that these years of our lives, the years after high school, should be more focused on traveling, exploring, and experiencing than college, money, and jobs. We have a life time full of the other stuff. Most of us don't have things tying us down right now, things like a full time job, a serious relationship, a family of our own, etc. WE ARE FREE!!!! We should take advantage of that. And please please please understand that when I say these things, I don't mean getting wasted in Vegas. I'm talking about kayaking down the Grand Canyon, watching the sun rise on the east coast and set on the west in the same season, looking up at stars at night from a mountain and then a desert, learning the difference of the two, having the only noises around you be that of nature, meeting people and getting to really know them by learning how their culture, views, dreams, fears, questions, and desires are both similar and different in comparison to our own. I'm talking about hiking a mountain and screaming from the top of it. About learning how the word beautiful has different meanings in Texas, Louisiana, Colorado, Oregon, and California. I'm talking about feeling alive.


Listening to the Goo Goo Dolls.
Going back to reading now.
Go explore tomorrow.
Nothing would make me happier than if someone showed up at my doorstep and told me "Let's go" and we started off on a journey with no expectations besides feeling free. I think I'd jump in the car and go, but I wouldn't mind being challenged and finding out.

Live now.
<3

Monday was probably the best day of my week... TAKE THAT REBECCA BLACK!

Monday I was lucky enough to go up to Lowell for the day and spend time with some of my awesome friends. I was also given the opportunity to teach QPR to my old UChapter. The entire day itself was awesome. I am thankful for lunch, for sitting outside on a slightly chilly fall day with a nice cup of coffee in downtown Lowell, and of course the evening. Being able to run a meeting again made me remember how much I love doing so. It's amazing how much I learned that night and was reminded of things. I mean, the QPR itself was pretty good. I did okay for my first time, and know some things I need to work on.

But I learn a lot about myself. I remember what it felt like to be a little vulnerable. I remembered what it was like to feel humble, and maybe also a little helpless. I remembered that these are good things. My desire comes from others. From being in a room with people, and also from experiencing things that I know I can't do much to help change. See, this makes me want to do even more. It makes me remember that it's okay to not be okay. The only reason that that UChapter was as well as it was when I was there was because I could look myself in the mirror and admit that I was broken. I have a gift where my heart can be both broken yet still have a huge desire to share love (maybe we all do, but I've found it in me). And it's an amazing thing for that. It felt good to feel valued, and also remember that it's okay to feel not okay. I'm so thankful for the family that I have in Lowell, and I'm really looking forward to being back up there this spring. Lots of hugs, conversations over cups of coffee, and learning will happen.

I'm going to make a difference in this world. Damn it, I'm going to. I will find what the best way I can is, and I will go after it. I believe in me.
I believe in others.

I feel alive this time of year. I drove home screaming lyrics to 30 Seconds to Mars with the window down. Almost exactly this time last year, I had that cd blasting as I sat on the side of the road on route 24 feeling hopeless as all hell. I'm learning what has and hasn't changed about me:
Those moments were special, because I want things that I can believe in, and I believed in Love and hope and walking through life with a beautiful struggling woman at the time. I felt things to such an extreme.
I still have the same desire of love, even towards her. The difference is I don't think it's enough for her. That's something that is on me. Because like I said in my last post, I'm learning that I have a lot to learn when it comes to love. And people just have differences...
I wish bad on no one.
"Everyday I try to make myself a little less shitty of a person."
That's all we can do in this life.
Now I'm going to read about love, talk to some friends, and be content with this beautiful night.

It's hard to explain that something doesn't weigh you down anymore, without sounding like you don't care. Ever think about that?
I still care. I do.

<3

This could possibly be the most mature thing I've ever said in my life

I'm not ready to fall in love right now. I don't know and understand enough about love nor myself to experience it the way it's meant to be experienced. I'm still learning, and I'm okay with that. Right now, it's good for me to be single.

<3

Inspired

Imagine if something happened that, even if just for one moment, every person on the planet felt together. How sweet that would be?
We all like to feel like a part of something. Sometimes we will go through drastic measures just so we can. And why is it that seems like it's easier to relate through negative things? Think about the amount of conversations that are started because people are stuck in a crappy situation, and they are relating through complaining. Example, some one is on a bus and it breaks down. Say it's a 30 minute bus ride. They would probably sit there and not talk to anyone throughout the trip. But if the bus breaks down, then they start complaining and sharing the things they have to do, and how this is going to mess up their day....
What does it take for us to just start having a conversation on an actual freakin bus ride? Why can't we just walk in sit down, and say "hi"? I want to learn more about this. About what makes us act the way we do in todays society. And then I want to figure out a way to change it.

We are all awesome. We all have our own talents and we can make a difference in this world. I feel like that's the thing I want to do with my life right now. I want to just tell others that its okay for them to be them, and to walk down their own path. To encourage them to be themselves and do what makes them happy. I think that this is a great thing, and I'm proud of it.

< 3

I've changed

I mean, no shit, we all do.
There's a specific way in which I've changed that surprises me.
I first really noticed it on a summer night not too long ago. On a night that I can call one of the worst of my life so far. See, I just didn't care as I had this person I love right in front of me that was showing me their heart. And I just had practically no emotion. I realized that I had gotten to a point in my life where I started to really guard my heart. Where I was scared of getting hurt and therefor didn't reach out as much.
And now I'm more caught up in searching for myself, in figuring who I am, and how I can become a better person. It's almost like these things mean more to me than helping others and trying to make a difference. I don't like that.
I understand that it's important to know, understand, and love myself to a certain extent, but I don't know where that line is. I feel like I could go on the rest of my life being caught up with myself (I know some people do). I don't want that. I want to reach out, offer love to others, and see beauty in it all. I want to do things for others without any expectations. I simply want to give myself. It's hard though. As much as I can complain and sound lost, please notice that I always keep trying. That I'm still here, my heart is still beating, and I'm trying. That's something. That's something that's pretty freakin cool. In some ways, I haven't changed I guess.


Love. It's a word that I want to say more and more and more. I want to attract it to me. I want people to feel the presence of it around me. I want to share it with 7 billion people.

< 3

New places.

This morning I was driving home on 495, a road I don't take too much. It felt good to be on a new road. I saw a sign for the Mass Pike, the sign read Albany, NY. I thought about getting on. About just starting to drive out west. Having nothing but the shirt on my back, and my truck. Having no destination in particular. How fun it would be to call friends I haven't seen in months or years and be like "Hey, I'm in your state, can I come crash on your couch tonight? Let's catch up. Show me what's fun around here and what you love about this place!" To just continue to drive. To be free. Stop where ever I want. Sleep in my truck in the middle of a field in Ohio. Walk around Chicago and get lost in the beauty of the architecture. So to the Grand Canyon and kayak down part of it just to pay tribute to Christopher McCandless. Go out to Cali, get on a board and just surf. This world is so huge. I want to see all of it. I want to ride up the Eiffel Tower, walk on the Great Wall of China, visit my friend in Australia, and go to Africa and learn from some of the most inspirational people in the world.

But see, I'm sitting here instead, in my bed tonight. I guess there's a combination of two things that kept me from heading West. Fear and a lack of money. Fear i could get over. Money is what worries me. I don't want to be in debt at the age of 21. But then again, I did say I wanted to pay tribute to Mr. McCandless, so maybe I should forget about money. See, I'm just sitting here trying to figure out my life. And I think about how a lot of people don't have as much freedom as I do. Yet I still feel trapped, almost like a slave in some sense.

I'm trying to find myself.
But I think I've already found me.
See, I'm so confused, I'm confused if I'm confused or not.
And if that confuses you, then that's okay.
Because I wrote it and it confuses me.

I'm lost. I've gotten caught up in the things an American man is supposed to.
I want to find a hot girl to have sex with, because I'm foolish enough to think it'll make me happy.
After a tough day, I want to have a drink, because it'll make my problems go away.

I miss the old days. The one's before "Let's grab a beer" and when sex still made me feel uncomfortable.
I don't want to get lost in things that don't matter. I don't want to create my own problems and control my future in the fact that I fuck up the present so I can eliminate a lot of future possibilities because if I don't there will be so many that it scares the crap out of me! Because, then I don't know what I'm gona do. Then I'll have options. And options can be scary.

But I want to be scared. I want to worry so much that I can't stop shaking, because I want to be that free. I want to learn more and more about myself and others. I want to touch as many hearts as I can. I still sit home and think about people in my life. Especially people that I haven't stayed in touch with. I still want to get on a plane and go to Texas, find that girl that wrote to me when I was interning and give her a hug and grab coffee. Hell, maybe grab coffee for a week straight if that'd help her. I still want to go knock down doors that are close to my home right now so I can look at the people behind them in the eye and just let them know that they mean something to me. I want to love so hard that it either hurts like hell or makes me feel like the happiest person in the world. And I know that can change day to day, and I'm learning to be okay with that.

I'm trying to push the meaningless sex, the alcohol, the wasting money and time behind me. I'm trying to look myself in the mirror and be able to say "I love you." I want to figure out what I'm going to do for my future. Do I want to go back to school in the Spring, leave and not have a plan, try to start my own non-profit, or something I haven't even thought of yet. Because figuring out that I have the freedom to do infinite things tomorrow and trying to decided what it is I'm going to do that will make me happy and feel the most like myself; that makes me more of a man than the night I lost my virginity, got drunk, got my license, or the day that I'll graduate from college.

I wish I could walk through this whole process closer to others. But maybe it's not met to happen that way. Good things are born out of struggles. This I know.

My best friend said to me last week, "I feel like one day you're just going to leave, and I'm not going to hear from you until a month later when I get a letter from you and you're in another continent."
You know what, I kind of hope he's right.

I don't ever want to settle.
I don't ever want to let anything or anyone else control my life.
Not even money.
I don't know how I can do that right now, but I'd like to try.

I wish at the end of high school, someone stopped me, looked me in the eye and said, "You know Kevin, you don't have to go straight to college. There's a whole world out there waiting with more possibilities than you could dream of. It's okay to go explore a little."

Hey there,
If you're reading this, know that it's okay to explore a little and take you're own path. Know that I believe in you in whatever you choose to do.

Love,
<3

Love doesn't have expectations

Those days that I send out texts in the morning to my friends, saying positive things and wishing them good things in the day ahead; and then putting my phone back in my pocket because I didn't need a response. That's an example of love. I know I have it in me. I'm trying to build it up and make my heart stronger. I want to spread and share love as much as I can.

< 3

I have to be up in less than 5 hours to drive a motorcycle

I can't sleep. There's a lot on my mind. I've changed so flipping much in the past year. I feel like I used to mean a lot to a lot of people. I feel like I used to be someone that people looked up to, and admired the great qualities I had, the things I did, and the person I was. But, I feel like I've lost a lot of that.

I now have "baggage". I have secrets, and struggles, and fears that are real to me. I have shame. I don't know how to go back to being a person that was able to connect with a lot of people. I want to be. I want to be surrounded by people that matter and that I feel care about me. I want to be doing good. Real good. Not handing someone a sandwich at Subway and smiling, but something that can actually mean a hell of a lot more. I got so caught up in this movement that has over 1,000,000 followers, and I always felt so connected and like a bigger part of things. But now, that's a struggle, because I don't feel as connected. It's hard. It's hard to find my own way. I want to make people smile everyday, and I want to give out awesome epic hugs, and I want to be there through all the tough crap in your life. I want to care, and I want people to tell me that that's okay. I want to love without hesitation.

I feel the potential in me. I FEEL IT! But most nights I just sit at home, feeling lonely or bored. Some nights I'll have a couple of drinks with friends. What happened to the days when I didn't need drinking or chasing girls or telling stories that just make me sound like an asshole to have fun with people? What happened to the random nights of just hanging out and not doing much but having an awesome time? The nights of having coffee and meeting someone new that was so beautiful. I feel like I'm stuck around a couple of boring people lately, and that only means that I'm boring. I DON'T WANT TO BE! I want to change and attract amazing hearts that are doing amazing things! I want to be connected to so many of these people and just see the beauty they have to offer the world. I want good things. I want positive things. I can't fucking stand your fear. Get rid of it so we can focus on more important things. There are enough lost, unhappy people in this world. Be one that is happy. That wakes up smiling.

Love now.

<3

Fear of Love

It's kind of a messed up thing if you think about it. That we can be scared of the best thing life has to offer. I mean, shouldn't we just always sprint towards with our arms wide open, screaming and yelling for it?

But we don't. We get scared. We hide. We will turn down amazing opportunities, and let the potential of SO MANY good things just pass us bye. Because we're scared. Because somewhere along the line we were hurt, or maybe we were just never loved in the way we deserve to be. And that pain was so hard to deal with. It can take so long to recover. Sometimes longer than a lifetime.

This hurt that we experience from it, this pain, is so hard to place. See, as much as we can want to write off people and say that they were a horrible person, we know that's a lie. Because deep down, we all believe that we all have good intentions. So we can't place all this blame, this anger on them. We'll end up placing some of it on ourselves. And from that, we lose Love for ourselves. We realize that we were the reason we got so hurt, so we start to hate ourselves. "I will never let myself be this hurt again; this vulnerable again."

And it seems like as life goes on, we just become more and more independent. We lose our connection with others, especially those that mean the most. We become more and more alone. We are running such fast paced lives that we don't take the time to stop and try to learn to love ourselves again. So we just keep going on in this downward spiral. We are hoping for "the one" that will come pick us up our feet, show us all the beauty in the world and within ourselves. But in that, we are looking for an unhealthy relationship, and that's why it'll never happen. See, we want someone to come along and just pour their heart out and give us everything, while also being okay with us slowly taking our time to learn to love and trust again. It's bullshit. It won't work.

I'm trying to challenge myself. I'm trying to show people love and not guard my heart. I COULD DIE TOMORROW!!!!! And I don't want to miss out on what today has to offer because I'm a little scared still. I'm learning that as we become older it seems there are less and less people who will just put their hearts out there. We have to go searching for them. I know it's there.
Or there's the crazy idea that if we try to love everyone, we won't have time for all of those we love. Well, let me tell you something, it'll be a GREAT day when I have that problem. Because I haven't yet. But I'd like to. I know that if a lot of people had THAT problem, the world would be such a more beautiful place.

We need to LOVE NOW. We need to stare into the mirror in the morning and say "I love you" to ourselves until we believe it. Let's tackle our fears. Let's risk experience the pain of being hurt. Because it's better than never being know.
People ask a question like, "If you could meet this amazing person, who you would probably fall in love with, but has cancer and only 2 months to leave, would you?"
My answer: Yes. Every time, yes. What a 2 months it would be.....

Hug someone tomorrow.
< 3

I'd like to have faith in humanity

I spend a lot of time doing pretty much nothing. I have played online poker (no real money) so much the past couple of months. I have just sat around and watched T.V. Even when I'm doing these things, I'm bored. But I think that maybe "being bored" is a shallow pathetic answer. I think that I'm lost more so than I'm bored. I'm lost because I know that there are a ton of different directions I can go in, and different things I can do. I feel like maybe I could use a guide. But, I don't need one. I just need to get off my ass and make an initiative. I think myself, along with many others, are poor at time management, and are scared of being able to wake up and not know what we are going to do that day. It's a hard struggle.

People are good and real. Keep them around.

< 3

Man up

I have always looked up to people who felt alone, or were in some sense but still tried to make a difference and share things with others.
I think it's about time I step up and try to be one of the people I look up to. I think that maybe that's my purpose in life right now.

I'm making something awesome. It's a secret. : ).


< 3

It's hard sitting home alone at night

I'm trying to learn to make the best of it, see the good in it, and be happy and okay with that.

Tomorrow

I'm going to say "I love you" to someone
I'm going to look a girl in her eyes and tell her "You're beautiful"
I'm going to smile at everyone I see.
I'm going to say hello to strangers, and wave at people I don't know.
I'm going to say "I love you" to someone else also
And someone else.... and someone else.... and someone else
I'm going to hug like it's my job to take all of the oxygen out of your body
I'm going to do random good deeds, and acts of kindness.
I'm going to pay it forward.

These are my goals and hopes.
Find beauty in life.
I hope you do good things too tomorrow.
Together, we can make this world a better place.
One full of love.
Right now I feel like the power of love is a secret. And if so, I want to tell the world. I want to send planes flying with banners, go on the radio, be on CNN, send people texts, email, and instant messages. I want to say it in every different language that there is. I want to hear "love" be said in every single language at the same time. Because I believe it will be so powerful and beautiful.

< 3

I love you

I pick that title because it's beautiful. That's the only reason. We all could and probably should hear those words more. So there's one more time.
I'm trying to be thankful for what I have right now. To appreciate what is around me, and not miss other things nor want for more. I'm trying to not get hurt. Mr dreams tell me I'm lost, and that I need help, but I'm fighting that. I have a lot of good things going for me right now, and I'm trying to focus on them. Being home this semester is going to be very lonely. I only have a few friends around here. The one good thing is that I'm becoming closer with my family. That is priceless. But I miss hugs from a beautiful girl who is in my life, even just as a friend. And yes, it means a lot more from a girl and no I'm not sexist. It just does.

When I was in 10th grade I fell in love for the first time with an amazing girl. Feeling and experiencing the greatness of being in love with someone. Why wouldn't I want that to be in my life? Why wouldn't I want to be experiencing love right now? Why on earth would there ever be a point in my life when I wouldn't want love? Not having the desire for love means not being alive to me. And I'm choosing to live everyday, so I damn well better be trying to feel alive.

I need love. Love. Love love love love love love. This word never gets old. If it does, you forgot it's meaning. I believe it's stronger than anything. That is can make some who has been addicted to drugs for 30 years become sober. That it can stop wars and massive killings. That it can show people they should walk away from millions, because money really doesn't mean that much. Love can bring hope into someone that has lost it all. Love can make this world such a better place. So do one thing tomorrow. Love.

Love
Love
Love
Love.
Is it making you smile yet?
Because it's making me smile.
Love.

Goodnight
<3

Am I finding myself, or just keeping busy?

I know it's good for me to be taking this time, and living at home, instead of jumping back into things with school, a UChapter, all my friends up there, and everything else. Changes happen too fast in life. I'm learning to take my time to adjusting to being back up here. It's not easy, but I'm learning. I'm trying to make sure I stay productive. Surprisingly, so far, I've been okay with the nights I spend at home. I've been able to stay busy, not have anxiety, and not reach out to people out of desperation. I'm trying to learn to be okay with me, and with time by myself. People do also reach out to me, and I will reach out to others, and it is wonderful to spend time together.

But I feel a little lonely as I sit here tonight in my house. I'm not alone, as my parents are here... and my dog and bunny. But I feel a little alone. I feel the urge to be having a great conversation over coffee with someone, to be hugging someone and smiling, to be trying to fill this broken world with a little more love. I miss love, community, and friendships. And I'm wondering if that makes me weak, or if it's okay. I'm wondering if it's normal and acceptable (and I mean that in the sense that it is healthy and doesn't negatively affect my hopes for greater good for myself and the world) to feel a little lonely like this.

I feel lost. I'm considering moving in to my own place in January. I'm wondering if I want to do that because I've gotten scared of getting close to people and getting hurt, or if I just want to spend time trying to continue to stay healthy and improve me. I know I'm not the unhealthy things I did this summer; I know I'm more than those. But beyond that, I wonder if it's okay for me to want to be around people so much, to want to be so full of passion, surrounded by love, good conversations, hugs, and things that feel real. I know good can come out of all of this, and I know I'm special in the way that I can combine all those things and make a difference. But I wonder if I'm going to be okay doing it all. Isn't it messed up that in a way I ask if I'm going to be okay being me? Because being me means loving so much that it hurts like a mother fucker sometimes, it means pouring my passion out so much that at the end of the day I'm kind of exhausted sometimes and could use some comfort/reassurance, it means asking questions so strongly that sometimes I'm not okay when the answers don't come; sometimes I'm lost.

"We are broken people, helping broken people." Does this mean this is how it'll be for me? This is the best I can be on my own? Or does it mean that there's some deeper things I need to explore, that I can get some help and be in a better and healthier place than this? I'm not saying I'm in an unhealthy place right now, I'm just saying I'm wondering if I should learn to accept this and be more okay with it. Because I don't want to spend so much time trying to find something more and something better that I forget to appreciate what I have right now. But I also don't want to miss opportunities to improve.

Writing these things feel good. It's nice to be able to not be expected to have answers. Because then you get to ask more questions and put your own doubts, fears, and struggles out there. These are mine. Walk through life with me. Above everything else, it's beautiful.

< 3

Remember to feel real

I couldn't have asked for anything more in tonight. So great to be around old friends, and meet new ones. So great to feel like I have a purpose and I'm a part of something. It's going to be tough to stay away from Lowell. There are a lot of awesome people up there.

Time really does help heal everything, and that's something I must remember. This summer has taught me to be more independent, something that is good for me. I'm still me, but I'm learning to be a healthier me. You can always breathe. No one can take that away from you. Remember that. Happiness. Love. These are beautiful words. Tomorrow will be full of good things. It's impossible to get the amount of hugs I did today and not go to sleep with a smile on your face.

More writing will be coming soon.

< 3

I'm 21 years old and I spend most days trying to figure out what being a man means..."

Tomorrow can't come soon enough.

< 3

Home

So first off, I did something very few people my age would ever do. I drove in a car with my Dad for 2 days straight. It was a good time. We got to talk a bit, and enjoyed each others company. I'm very thankful for my parents. Both of them.
So I'm now home. I realized tonight, my first night here, that how this fall goes will be completely up to me. The decisions I make, and how I handle them. I have to constantly remind myself that other options are always open, that nights alone are okay because I can enjoy time by myself, or with my parents. And, I mean, I have an awesome dog that can also keep me company now. I'm not going to let things bring me down. I'm a healthier me. I'm a me that realizes my options and opportunities are endless.
I have a surfboard in my room right now. I think it's a good reminder of positive things.

Find good in tonight.
<3

"You were sentenced to life from the day that you were born. You’ll be guilty long past the day you die."

Most people don't get a chance for a fresh start. In the past 9 months, I have twice. Once when I moved down here in Jan, and I'm getting a second one when I move back up to MA in less than 2 days. I really didn't think I was going to miss it down here. See, I struggled a lot with myself in these 8 months. I have hurt people more so than I ever have in my life, I have done things I never thought I would do, and I have struggled with big questions like "who am I?", "how do I survive down here?", "how do I find community?", "How do I gain a sense of feeling appreciated, and needed?" I think one of the biggest things I learned was how amazingly forgiving and accepting people are. More so down here, but also a couple of people from back home. I'm not quite sure why, but I just feel like I'm never judged with a lot of people down here. This helped me not feel like shit sometimes, but it also made me lose my desire to become a better person. It's a tough trade off.

I struggled a lot down here. I want to say I "grew up", but I don't like those words. Society has a different definition of growing up than me. I felt like some people down here pushed me to grow up in the way they wanted. It's not healthy to be around people that don't like you for you, especially when you're struggling with figuring out who you are. I'm bitter about some things down here. I am, and that's something I have to deal with. But there are many things and people I'm going to miss.

I'm going to miss surfing. I'm going to miss paddling out with some amazing friends, having fun, and slowly becoming a decent surfer. I can proudly say I surfed a hurricane swell, and have rode 6ft waves. I'm going to miss volunteering at Give Kids the World. Meeting new people, volunteering, driving a golf cart around and just laughing. I'm going to miss Disney. All of the parks, and all of the rides. I went on Rockin Roller Coaster more this summer than the number of roller coasters the average person goes on in their life. I got to spend a few days there with friends and family, and many alone. I'm going to miss Cocoa. Osario's cake batter ice cream. I'm going to miss Open Mic nights at Brick and Mortar, and everyone over there. I'm going to miss my friends across the street too. I'm going to miss working at the Pier, and all of the friends I've made there. I'm going to miss going out and having a good time with friends. I'm going to miss Papa Vitos, The Sandbar, and Tijuana Flats. I'm going to miss living 2 blocks away from the beach. Being able to go there whenever I want. I'm going to miss 83 degree water. And as much as it fucked with me so much sometimes, and brought me down in a lot of ways, I'm going to miss living on my own.

I'm leaving and I have my second second start. I'm going to try to be a much nicer person in MA. As weird as it may sound, before coming down here I don't feel like I had any big secrets, but I can say I now do. I think this will make me a more humble person, something I need. The past couple of weeks I've been feeling more real, and I'm passionate about love. I'm going to try to be the best person I can be. This is starting today, because I should always be doing it. That means I'm going to try to never do something that intentionally hurts someone else. I caused enough tears, pain, and hate for a lifetime. I'm done with that. I want to be given the strength to love and not ask for anything back. I want to wear my heart on my sleeve. I want to be able to look in the mirror and say "I love the person I am" again. I want to be the best person I can be. Right now I feel like I'm ready to burst. I've wanted to cry all day. I'm not sure if it's because I'm going to miss things around here, or because I have a huge sense of guilt. I feel like the most beautiful thing that someone can hear is "I know your secrets, and your falts, and I still love you. And I'm right here, and I'll continue to be." I was told that this summer. It brought me to tears. I want to tell it to 7 billion people. Because after that, maybe I'll deserve to hear it again. Here's to the Space Coast, everything it's taught me, and all the good memories I have here.

< 3

Feeling old but new. Feeling lost, hurt, and blue.

This is a familiar feeling. This is Kevin Pelletier. This is who I am, and how I feel. It makes sense to me now.

See, I got lost the past few months. I was being taught and pressured to grow up according to the standards of society and those around me. I wasn't ready. I didn't want to. It shook, rocked, and sometimes it felt like an 8.0 earthquake hit my world. I had a very difficult time taking in everything that happened. I stepped out of myself. I did some messed up things I never ever would've expected myself to do. I was totally lost. I needed something familiar, and I was blessed enough to get it. I used her, hurt her, and hurt myself. But I found myself in it all. I found familiar things. I found things similar to the way they were before I came down here. My strongest desire right now is to know that someone I love isn't hurting anymore. To just get to a point where I can hug and hold her again. Because damn it, this makes sense to me, and it always will. Love really does conquer all.
This is where my passion comes from. The desire to just love so much. I'm one of the most hopeful mother fuckers you know. Because if I want to try to make one person happy, and I can't do that, I'll put all of my energy into trying to make every person I know happier, and just hope that it gets spread to the one person I can't reach. And then I want it to spread to everyone else. The people I haven't ever met, the people I will never meet, and the people that need it. I want to spread love like it's the biggest, and most powerful virus the world has ever seen. And there's no cure.

The ultimate strength, though, comes when I'm able to be reconnected with that one person I long for. Because then my love does nothing but intensify more, and from a much healthier place. For the past 6 months, maybe longer, I've been searching for at least a partial answer for the question "Who are you?"

My name is Kevin Pelletier. I have tested love, and I still believe it's the strongest and best thing in this world. I would die for it. I believe that Love is the answer to a lot of questions, more than we think. I believe that doing good in the world, is the best thing we can do. And I mean that in the sense of doing things that allow people to truly become happy, and then they also desire to spread this happiness, and love that has become a beautiful, peaceful fire inside them.

Love now.
< 3

Possibly the hardest thing in the world

Not being able to reach out to someone that you care about, because you hurt them. Because it's probably best to have some space for a little while. Time is needed to look within and figure yourself out. This is what I'm struggling with right now.

I want you to be ok and happier more than I want us to be okay.
Saying that is a huge step for me, and I think a good one. A healthy one.

What's tough for me, is waiting. Is being patient. I know my time here (on earth) is limited. I think that's something we all take too much for granted. That's why if I want to give someone a huge hug and just spend time with them, it's hard to wait. It's hard for me to not get bummed when a friend cancels plans. I want to walk through life with others as much as possible. Because people don't suck, they're beautiful. We can learn a lot from each other.

Maybe we all need someone believing in us. I know it sure helps me.

Make the world a better place. A happier one. It starts with yourself. It starts with loving. I'm re-learning all this.
Every day I try to be a little less shitty of a person.

Progress

< 3

Get inspired

Lately I've been listening to a lot of music that has had meaning to me. Music that inspires me, and allows me to feel inside. Music is so amazing, and I think that's something that can't be said enough.
Today I'm going to listen to a lot of music. And hopefully be productive and also have fun. We waste too much time in life. Here's to trying to get some back today.

< 3

Learning

I'm learning to be the person I am, and love whoever that is. I'm learning to be that person for me. Not anyone else. I'm going to be okay with the decisions I make. With the person I am. For right now, I'd like to say at least for right now. I know that life can change. I know that I don't have things figured out, but I'll keep trying to figure out more.

Right now I have things I know, and things I wonder. It's good to have both, and it's also good to recognize what is in each category respectively.

I know:
I need to learn to love me. To be okay to be the person I am, and not let what others say have a huge impact on me and my life. I can listen to other people, and consider things, but I should have a foundation of what makes me me.
I'm doubting that as I wrote it. I mean, I'm always changing who I am. But having a foundation, or a place that I can always go back to, like a home, that'd be good.

Maybe what I know, is nothing....

What I ask:
What should be part of my foundation?
How/where does love fall into this equation?
Maybe what I know, is questions....

It's difficult, because we ARE always changing. Maybe however, there are some things that we can always believe to be true. I mean, there are videos I watch, books, posts, and other readings that are always true to me when I read them. But I dont always want to read nor watch them. And in those moments when I dont want to... those tend to be the difficult ones. There's a lot to think about. Here's to trying to figure out just some of it out.

This isn't for you. Any of you. Anyone else out there in the world. First and foremost, this is for me.

< 3

Tonight I wish I could listen to We don't need to whisper

Being around family and old friends is great. It's a safe, comfortable feeling. I like it. This absolutely allows me to feel like me. I have a very strong desire to just love and be loved. It isn't controlling me, but I acknowledge it's presence. There are things I miss, and I'm going to make sure the second I get back home I go after them. If not sooner.
Life is teaching me lessons everyday. I'm open to learning them. I'm thankful my parents are down here. I'm thankful that I can be around people that feel like home and how much it helps to remind me who I am. I'm learning to grow. I re-realized something today. This seems like huge progress for me. I'm not ready to share what that is though. Life is a confusing mess sometimes. But when we share it with one another, it's beautiful.

I'd like to believe you're still reading these. Please know that I love you.

< 3

Day by day

I'm not that big into the 12 steps, and certain programs like that. I'm not not into them, I just haven't researched them a lot. But I think maybe they have it right when they say take it day by day. That's what I've been trying to do. Trying to wake up and just see the beauty and good in each day. To recognize the opportunities it is holding for me.
Ideas a flowing. Things are being written down on paper. I'm making big plans. I'm making sure I enjoy everyday. Life is beautiful. God damn it, I'm going to fucking see that life is beautiful every single damn day for the rest of my life. No matter how much pain, hurt, loneliness, and sorrow that comes with it... it's still fucking beautiful.

Embrace it.

Note to self

Don't try to become too open minded.
You'll lose sight of who you are.

< 3

This might be a break through

Dear Kevin,

Stop trying to be perfect. You can't. You won't ever be. Every single person in this world has their flaws. You have yours, and it's okay to accept and own them.

Right now, your stuck in this unhealthy cycle. You don't really have any small coping mechanisms. Because, you don't want to try to cope with anything in a way that could be unhealthy, or just make simple little things real. But things build up, like they always will, and then you end up making a decision to try to cope in a very unhealthy, non rational way. You end up with one big pathetic coping mechanism that is 100% unacceptable and you know it.

Stop trying to be perfect. For now, be whoever you need to be. If you want a drink at the end of the day, have one. There's no harm in it. If you want reach out to people to talk, just do it. It's okay to let someone else know what's going on. If you just need a break, take one. You don't have to always push yourself. It has lead you to unhealthy places before, and it certainly will do so in the future unless you change the way you go about things.

So please, be unperfect, and love the person you are with all of the flaws, struggles, questions, and pain that makes you you.

"Everyday I try to be a little less shitty of a person". - That means there's always room for improvement. Learn to be okay with that.

< 3

There is debate over who first wrote this, but it is amazing

If I had my life to live over, I'd dare to make more mistakes next time. I'd relax, I would limber up. I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.

You see, I'm one of those people who lived sensibly and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I've had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat and a parachute. If I had to do it again, I would travel lighter than I have.

If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances. I would ride more merry-go-rounds. I would pick more daisies.

We are all human

This is something I think we forget far too often.
We aren't perfect in most of the definitions that we'd like to think we could be.
We experience negative things.
We fall.
We feel pain.
We cry.
We want to scream out questions just hoping to get an answer.
We feel shame.
We have secrets.
We feel jealousy, greed, hatred, and anger. To name a few.
Please know that all of this is okay.
That you should be you, and whatever that means, well.... it's beautiful.
And if society judges you for it, questions it, or isn't okay with it, then fuck them for not being more open minded.
Be the best you you can be.
Because you're amazing.

< 3

Here's to the nights we felt alive

Sometimes, my desire to give love just comes from a deeper desire to receive it.

Coffee

Something I haven't had in months. Because I guess I feel like I was becoming addicted to it, and that I know it's a drug. I didn't want to use it. I guess I felt like I was cheating myself or others by having coffee. Yeah I know, that kinda sounds lame. Tomorrow I'm going to make myself a good breakfast, and I'm going to have coffee. Then I'm going to spend the afternoon writing and making videos of myself talking that no one (possibly not even me) will want to sit through and watch. Tomorrow I'm going to stop selling myself short, and try to push myself.

I'm fucking lonely right now. I'm miserable and broken. And I'm fucking sick of saying that shit. And as much as I want to write things right now that can express these feelings and focus on them, I'm not. I'm trying to grow up, and to look at things a different way. Here's to being positive, especially when it's difficult. Fight this fight with me.

< 3

Florida, I have exactly one month left

Right now I'm at a point where when I wake up in the morning I wonder what I'm going to do during the day, what I'm going to do to get through it. I mean this in the sense that I begin the day searching for things to do, because I do not know of things I can do. I search from healthy things that can get me through the hours and at the least, make me not miserable.
I was at this place before down here, a couple of months ago. I tried to get myself into a routine to solve my problem. But that's not the way to solve it. I shouldn't have to SET a routine. I shouldn't have to have a plan for everyday. That can be a good thing for a little while, but it should only serve as a bridge. Because when I wake up I should be happy and ready and excited for the day. I shouldn't be trying to find a reason or make a plan before I get out of bed. I should just be able to jump out of bed and be excited for the day. I've been stuck in this position before. I got out of it once, and I can again.

I loving this song right now. New music is therapeutic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLS69RS97Kc

< 3

I can't sleep; it's a good thing

There's a lot on my mind. That means I'm feeling again. I'm thinking again. Tonight was mainly consumed by a couple of great conversations which I'm very thankful for. I'm trying to love the person I am. I feel like in the past couple of days I have made some progress in that. There are things that I'm not ready to share with everyone, but I don't think that means I haven't come to terms with them. It means I'm not ready to handle the way people will react and judge them. I believe that those are two separate things. So I'm trying to move forward. I can honestly say that today I felt like I had a little more control in my life than I did yesterday. I know the conversations I had tonight helped.

I also read some interesting things tonight. How we are use to feel tension, and stress. How beautiful it can be if we learn to not feel those things, and just appreciate things as they are. We have tension built up in us, and it's not natural. If you have ever had trouble falling asleep at night then you can probably relate to this. It's the struggle of adjusting from our day, to the natural state that our body needs to be in to rest healthy.

Tonight I'm trying to let myself relax. I'm not focusing on the questions, the difficult things that lie ahead, nor the problems of the world. They will all be there when I wake up.

I'm thinking about this "exercise" that my last therapist suggested to me. How when we have trouble falling asleep, we can try this. It went something like this:

Think of yourself sitting in the shade of a tree next to a small river that is gently flowing on a nice summer evening. Think of something that is troubling you, and imagine yourself putting that trouble in a barrel, and letting it float down the river. If there is something else bothering you, imagine yourself placing that worry in another barrel, and letting it float down the river; and so on, and so on. Remember that you can get up, walk to the base of the river and collect your troubles whenever you'd like to. You aren't running away from them, just letting them float away for a little while. They are floating. You have a clear head. All that you can hear is the gentle stream flowing alongside you, and you lay your head in the soft grass under a tree and close your eyes. You are safe here. You are breathing in, and then out. In and then out. Life is this simple for tonight. In and out. In and out. You are sleeping.

In.
And Out.
In.
And Out.
In.
And Out.
The river is still flowing softly.
In
And Out.
In
And Out.
In

And good night.

< 3

Tonight I feel like myself again. For the first time in a long time

Imagine how cool it would be if we could just walk up to strangers and say hi without it being awkward?

If you think that's cool, then try to walk around with a smile tomorrow and be welcoming towards strangers. I'm going to at least. I know that's something I don't tend to do, yet I bitch a lot about how I'm lonely down here.

Here's to tomorrow....
And here's to right now too. Cause it's good.

< 3

Breath in, Breath out, relax

Today is being filled with whatever I want. To learn to spend a day on my own and find the happiness and beauty in it and the things I'm doing is something I'm re-learning. It's not healthy to have something control your whole day. I'm trying to take my day back. I'm trying to slowly get up, and right now I'm unsure of almost everything. It's one of those moments where you just have to keep going, have hope, and believe that things will make more sense as you go along. so I'm walking. Each day I'm going to try to write at least a little bit, wether on here, or not. This is something that is good.

< 3

In my eyes, there's only one place to go from here....

Up.


It's time to start fucking climbing.

< 3

Today I feel like Quentin

http://iasieu.wordpress.com/2008/09/08/for-those-who-can-ride-in-an-airplane-for-the-first-time/
(second video)

This isn't the best place I could've ended up for the summer. I feel like that are way easily too many distractions and temptations. Somewhere more secluded from people and more in touch with nature would've been great for me. Somewhere that wasn't a tourist spot, and didn't have such a generation gap. Or at least somewhere completely new and foreign to me. I think it's sad that there is no longer the idea of an adolescent going off on their own to find them self in our culture. I don't know off the top of my head, but I'm sure there are cultures back in time that did this. It's great. See, we never get the opportunity to unlearn all of the things we have and to try to learn new things for ourselves. This is what I'm trying to do down here. I'm trying to learn about me, and life, and all of the big questions. I'm not really asking others however, I'm just taking it day by day and doing things ALONE and ON MY OWN more than I ever have in my life. I feel like I won't have enough time to get the answers I want, the understanding, the clarity, and the re-assurance. But I guess we can only go so far on our own.

All I know is I'm broken. And right now, I have more of a desire to do good things from guilt more so than anything else. I am a troubled young man, trying to pick up the pieces, that at them from a new fresh perspective (mine), and then walk through life. I have to really work on me.

I've been thinking about God a lot lately. If he does exist, maybe he's crying tonight. Maybe he's not perfect. Maybe, like most of us, he has days in which he barely gets by. I want to cry with him. I want to feel enough of a sense of secureness and comfort to join him. I want to be told that it's okay to cry. And I'm telling all of this to myself. It's okay for me to cry, to laugh, to sing and scream, to skip, to yell, to love and question, to love to question. It's okay to want to be myself. Where ever that may take me, and whatever I may become, it's okay. The present doesn't mean as much without the future. What are you going to do tomorrow?

Tonight I was with beautiful people, and I was able to make them laugh and enjoy their company. Now all I want to do is allow others to feel a stronger desire to love.

Peace,
< 3

Why I'm getting up at 6:30 AM tomorrow

Tomorrow I'm waking up at 6:30, as I am volunteering at Give Kids the World at 8:30. I'm waking up early and driving an hour and a half to give kids ice cream for breakfast. What's the point? Why on earth would I want to do this?
See, I have total freedom right now. I really do. It's really nice, and fulfilling, but it comes with a price to pay (like everything else). I can do what ever I want tomorrow. I could stay in bed all day. I could sit on my ass, watch tv, and order pizza. I literally have the freedom to do ANYTHING. But I'm making the choice to do this. Because I want to be involved. I want to feel like a part of something. I want to do GOOD. I want to make a difference. As much as I can. I want to put in just as many hours volunteering as I do working. I want to do this because it feels good. Because it is healthy for me. It allows me to feel less alone. It allows me to meet people, and have conversations. To laugh and be happy, and be surrounded with others who are also happy and even welcoming. It's for me you see. I'm doing this because I like to. That's why I'm getting up this early tomorrow.
And if you are saying to yourself, Kevin! Why don't you just volunteer later in the day and sleep in? Don't worry, I'm doing that to.

I've asked for help the past couple of days. Things have come through. Wether it's a text, or a chance to work more, or a phone call, or skype session, or just a simple mentioning of my name, a lot of little things have made a HUGE difference. Thank you to everyone who has been a part of that.

I hope tomorrow holds an amazing opportunity for you. I hope you take it.
< 3

by the way,

whoever commented on my blog the other day (3 or 4 posts back). I wanted to say Thank You. That meant a lot.

May you find sleep tonight after a day full of good things that make laying down in that bed feel so much more comfortable than normal.

<3

Everyday I must find redemption

Everyday is a new day. Everyday I have to get up, and get out of bed. I have to make millions of choices. Choices of what things I want to do and what things I don't want to do. I've been thinking lately about a lot of this. About choices. About how some very simple choices can become so fucking hard for others. We make the choice everyday to not kill people. It's obvious. But it's not that obvious for a father whose daughter just got rapped, for the teenager who just lost his best friend to a drive-by. We make the choice to not do drugs. But it's difficult for those who have gotten lost, and felt so alone that they decided one day to get high instead of get help. Because they gave up on health. And that's all they've known for years now. I don't know the stories of others, but I shouldn't have to. I shouldn't judge, and I shouldn't ever disrespect. Those are two big things I've learned while I've been down here. They've been difficult to do, but I know they are right.

On another note, a thought I had last night. I don't think I always want to help people and try to make the world a better place. I think in order for me to find true happiness, I'll need to one day just settle down, and be surrounded by people and things that can make me feel happy, worthwhile, content, and maybe even complete all on their own. This might be a new goal/dream of mine. Not sure where to categorize it yet.

Now back to playing bass and having people to talk to. Still wanting a hug that just takes away the need for words.
< 3

I fear not knowing what comes next

I've learned this about me. This has been a constant through out my entire life. I work well when I have a ton of things to do, or little time to do a few. This is because I want to know what's coming next. When I don't have things that come next, I don't want to move forward. I guess it's because I'm scared. If I don't have anything to do, I won't know what to do with myself. This worries me. This is especially true for schoolwork. I will wait until the last minute, I'll just sit around all day and waste time. This is something I'm starting to struggle with. I say starting to struggle with, because it has pretty much controlled me for awhile. I don't think I can learn to be okay with not having things to do, but I can learn to have more constants. Have steady things I can do. Like playing bass, reading, writing, those kinds of things. I'm working on making more.
I have been a zombie. I realize that I have had a lot of days in which I just go through them. Nothing really excites me. Nothing hits my heart hard. I don't feel super connected to a lot of people down here (nothing new), so that's hard. My motivation comes from others. After this week, I will have people with me for two weeks. I'm looking forward to that. And I'm looking forward to seeing what comes out of it, both for me as an individual, and for the relationship of it. So hopefully this can start to get better. I only have 2 and a half months left down here. I'm going to try my hardest to make the fucking best of it.

I miss people. I've realized I haven't really said that a lot. I need to work on it. I miss Somerset, MA. I miss Lowell, MA. I miss my friends. I miss sitting around my house with my family and not having anything to do. I miss my dog. I miss throwing a frisbee in the front of the house. I miss Boston. I miss walking around Boston. I miss going for a drive without a destination. I miss holding music as close to my heart as I did. I miss my UChapter, and the meetings, and the conversations, the heavy and light moments, the panera post-meeting gatherings. I miss everyone of my friends, and even those people that I wasn't on the best terms with. I miss hugs. I miss nights of ultimate.

Sometimes I feel like I was stupid to leave and come down here. Things got tough, I felt lost, but I was right at HOME. Life was honestly really good overall. I just had to sort out some things. But, I know that when I go back home I will be closer to my parents than I ever was if I didn't come down here. I now value the time I get to spend with them. I really do. And that's golden. That makes all of this worth it.

I need to write more. This feels good.
< 3

We are all so powerful

It's amazing how one person can impact another so much. One person, one moment can bring a change upon us thats so strong the great wall of China couldn't resist it. If you are holding on without having one person, or a few people that can make that difference for you, then please know I am thinking about you. The second I become stronger, I want to give my love to others, not harness it. I'm getting love. I'm feeling good, healthy, and alive. Today was day 1. Tomorrow is day 2, or just another day 1 depending on how I want to look at it. Here's for tomorrow. Here's for 17 days after tomorrow. Here's for getting through a day doing healthy things for the first time in awhile. Here's for conversations and skyping and videos and surfing and playing bass and reading. Here's for not those things individually, but all together. Because all together that's what's making me okay right now. Tonight.

< 3

Honesty

This is hard. This is real fucking hard. Living on my own. I'm done bull shitting and saying I'm doing okay. I'm not. I'm lonely. I want friends. I want people to talk to. I want to be able to go find someone my age that I can hang out with without having to go to a fucking bar or online. Why is this so fucking hard? I'm not coping well at all. I think I need help. I need to sit down and really asset my life. I have good intentions, and I'm doing some good things, but things overall aren't going well. This is make it or break it time. This is me on thin ice. I'm holding on by a finger. I'm going to pray tonight that I can find something or someone that can help me get up. Do you know the last time I was able to sit down with someone and actaully have them ask me, "how are you doing?" and me feeling like I could answer? Cause I don't. I need some support right now. I need to get through these next 85 days. That is all. One at a time. I need to try to get through this. I'm not a quitter. No fucking way am I walking away from stuff and quitting in this life. I'm done with that shit. I'm always down with letting myself fall. It's time to pick things up. This is the type of anger with tears in your eyes. This isn't meant to be poetic, it's meant to be real. This is me asking for help in one of the only ways I know how to. It's kind of pathetic, I know.

Tired, a good thing

I sit in my truck reading On The Road by Kerauoc at 6:20 this evening. It has rained for a good part of the afternoon. There is that dense feeling left in the air after rain that usually gives me a little bit of a hefad ace and doesn't make me want to do much. But today this isn't the case. The sun is fighting it's way through the clouds. I have had a good afternoon at Disney's Hollywood Studios. Going on quite a few of the rides, including Rockin' Roller Coaster a few times. Disney has been my drug since I've been down here. If I didn't have it, I'd probably would have become an addict by now. I'm the type of person that needs things to make me feel alive.
At 6:20 I feel content with the day. Life is good. I look at the beautiful sun fighting it's way through, all of the busy people driving, parking, and walking in and out of the store. For once I'm thankful I'm not one of them. I've had a good day, but it sure as hell wasn't over yet. This was my first night volunteering at Give Kids The World (incase you are lazy and dont want to look it up, its basically an incredible place where kids with terminal illnesses get to spend a week with their families). I'm driving a pizza golf cart around, delivering pizzas to families that have gotten back from a long day at one of the amusement parks. I go in and I feel like myself for the first time since I've been in Florida. Little did I know that comfort would just keep growing. I worked with 3 kids in the senior year of high school, and a middle aged gentleman. He had been married for almost 10 years, him and his wife both work at Disney. They met there. I don't have any life changing conversations, I don't save anyones life. I just relax, drive a cart around, and give people pizza with a smile. I try to give them the tiniest bit of hope and positive encouragement to add to their day. I get to talk and get to know the people I'm volunteering with. We have fun, share laughs, and I get to ask a lot of questions. I like asking questions, and I almost felt like Chris McCandles from Into The Wild with the questions I was asking. I want to write more right now, but I'm exhausted and it's time for bed. This was a great day. Two nights ago I listened to a friend read a poem about being tired. Right now I can relate to that in the good way. I could do this forever.

< 3

Tomorrow

Life has been tough lately. It has absolutely been difficult and lonely. I have had a hard time with the amount I'm alone, and the lack of interaction I have with people. I'm only saying this because I feel it's going to start getting better tomorrow. It sucks that I've fallen into this trap, of not really reaching out when I was struggling. I'm getting myself out of it, but I need to learn to walk through things more with other people.
I'm excited to wake up tomorrow. I honestly can not remember the last time that I said that. I am excited for what tomorrow holds in store for me. There are good things waiting. I really hope that tomorrow is the start of many new things, of me improving my life. I need to stop wasting days sitting on my ass watching tv the entire day. I need that to stop. I think tomorrow will help with it all. You know why I'm so excited about tomorrow? Tomorrow I'm going to be inspired. I can't ask for much more. The only better feeling in the world is love, but I'll take being inspired any day.

Reach out to people more. We all feel alone sometimes. Let's make that happen less.

We all have those moments where we think back about something negative. About a person that either hurt us and we realize we forgiven them, or a person that meant a lot and we never told them. These things don't get said. They stay with us. We may want to tell these people, but we just don't. If you have thought that way about someone, odds are, someone has thought that way about you. Sleep well tonight. May you do something tomorrow that will make someone else smile (and hopefully, you smile in return). Because in the end of the day, we don't need porn, strippers, prostitutes, drugs, a beer, or any thing like that. We just need a smile, a warm hug, and someone we can talk to.

Here's to the people that choose hugs over sex. To the people that aim for the relationships (meaning friendships) that last longer, rather than short term. I want to be more like you when I'm given the opportunity. Heck, I want to be more like the old me.

< 3

I simply want to share this with the world

On weekends, when his high school pals were attending "keggers" and trying to sneak into Georgetown bars, McCandless would wander the seedier quarters of Washington, chatting with prostitutes and homeless people, buying them meals, earnestly suggesting ways they might improve their lives.

- Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer

Tonight is a good one

I'm thankful for the conversation I just had. I'm thankful for the people in my life. I'm thankful I'm missing my parents a lot. And my home, and friends. Incase no one ever told you, please know that it's okay to miss things.

I want to bring back into our society more conversations that are authentic, honest, and vulnerable. Conversations in which we can share our thoughts, ideas, opinions, questions, and answers. I love the types of conversations that do nothing but build. One's when both people go in having an equal desire to be both known, and learn to know the other. Questions only lead to more questions. I miss these from MA more than anything else.

I wonder if it's a cultural difference. Most people I've met down here don't seem to be the type for these conversations. They are too tried, don't have the energy, or maybe even the faith or inspiration. I hope I can find people to have these with over the next couple of months. They are missing from my life. I will no longer try to be someone other than myself. I am passionate, energetic, outgoing. I know who I am, and I will be that person. If you asked me last year if I loved the person I was, I could say yes. I can't say that to the same degree right now. I'm working on getting back there though.

New Orleans in Sept.... I'm thinking yes!

< 3

Why do we ask so many questions?

Why is it so easy to let ourselves fall when we want a change? Why do we have to hit a bottom for us to finally decide that it's time to make a change?
I'm not reinventing myself, or learning and growing right now. I'm taking steps backwards. I know the cycles of life. I'm repeating them. But I'm fucking sick of it. I know what I want. I know how to get it. I know what I need to do. It's time to do it. Believe in me too. Encourage me. Talk to me. Life is tough on your own. It's a good thing to stay connected and have healthy relationships.

Let's not let our hearts get so soft that we care more about the people who fall and are learning to get up again than those who have remained standing. Love is equal. Everyone deserves the same amount.
Maybe stories that change are exciting and interesting. But how often in life do we just want some answers and constants more than anything else?

< 3

Lonely

This has been my biggest struggle the past week, and I feel like it will continue to be a struggle in my life while I'm down here. I'm ready to start facing this and trying to learn through it instead of letting it control me. I am a very passionate person. My passion goes towards other people mostly. It's difficult when that passion doesn't have a place to go. I can try to put it out through surfing a little bit, but that's difficult when there aren't waves. Passion can't really be put out through reading, writing, or playing bass that much. I've realized that is is realized through physical activity and human interaction. Those are the two main things. I need to learn to hold myself more accountable. I need to be a little more outgoing, and also push myself to do more. More than just 25 push-ups every morning. I can run, and find other ways to be creative. I have also re-learned how incredibly powerful hugs are. They mean the world to me, and can totally turn my day around. So do me a favor. If you can't give me a hug tomorrow, give someone else one. Let's make this world a better place with more love.

I will come out of this alive. I will also come out of it a better person. This is my hope.

< 3

"Happiness is not real unless it is shared"

We need interaction with other humans. Everyday we need to feel the touch of someone who cares, hear encouraging words, and just spend time together. I'm trying to learn to have happiness without sharing it as much. I want to spend more of my days reading, writing, and exploring and less of them on Netflix and Xbox. I sat outside today as I skype'd with my best friend. It was beautiful. To breathe in the air. To look at the clouds, and the sun light fighting it's way through them as it set. Nature is here, and it is beautiful and all around. Remember, there are always great things around us. Sometimes we just don't notice them. No matter where you go in this world, there are things worth smiling about. There are people you can connect with. There are passions you can share. Life is what you make it. Sometimes we don't have to leave an environment to change our emotions. It is not an absolute truth that we can run away from things in our lives. It is an absolute truth that we can choose our emotions and the way in which we look at things. What emotions are you going to have tomorrow? Is the glass half-empty or half full? Is it cloudy or sunny? Is the "asshole" you run into really an asshole, or just someone that might be having not as good of a day as tomorrow? Is the "prostitute" a whore, or a beautiful broken soul that hasn't given up looking for love? Is the "homeless man" a bum, or a veteran who served our country and is part of the reason you have the freedom you do? Is the "cutter" someone that is selfish, or someone that cares about others so much they don't want to take their anger out on anyone else? Is the "rapist" a disgusting prick, or someone who was misguided by society, took a few wrong turns, and was so lost they forgot how to look for love? These are extremes, I know. But meet me in the middle. Do you feel uncomfortable right now? Well, I hope so. Change is uncomfortable. I'm challenging you to change. I'm simply challenging you to try to be a little more open minded, and a little more loving. This is what I'm trying to do. Let's do it together. Let's share the happiness in it.

< 3

Growing up is baby steps

The amount I've told people the importance of having an outlet the past 2 years. The amount of times I've asked that to others. But, whenever someone asked me, I said my outlet was talking to others. Which isn't very healthy because an outlet should be something that you control that you can go to whenever you need it. Talking to others means relying on others. This put me in some very difficult situations, and caused me many difficult moments of not knowing what to do except continuously calling and texting people. It's good to reach out to people, don't get me wrong. But it's also good to have outlets. Tonight I came home from work. Work gets me going. I'm running around and doing a lot of stuff. I wrote not too long ago that it's hard for me to calm down after work. Tonight I came home, and I knew I needed to do something. I could've gone out, I could've grabbed a drink from my fridge, but I didn't. Instead I sat down and just played my bass for awhile. Damn it felt good. My fingers running back and forth on the frets. Strumming the strings with my pick. Knowing the songs well enough to just close my eyes and get lost for a minute. This is my outlet. I'm going to read a little. Hopefully tomorrow I will get up early and go surfing before working a double. Being tired at the end of the day and still happy means that you owned the shit out of that day. Dear tomorrow, my goal is to own the shit out of you.

Btw, writing this one, it felt real. I've been wanting to say that for the past few blogs, but I guess I've been kind of forcing it. I'm not with this one. It felt good to write.

< 3

I just watched Into The Wild. I'm inspired.

As we grow up, we get throw into this life of chaos. We don't get to make choices until it's too late. We have already been raised in a certain country, have a religion picked for us, have been taught morals, laws, expectations, and what words like good, bad, love, hate, evil, job, and goals mean. Everyday we choose to ignore so many more things than we don't. I don't know a number, but I would guess that it is in the millions. We couldn't pay attention to everything and every little detail. It's too much. We have to choose. To be selective. So much of our influence comes from our friends, our families, and those around us. Who we are around influences on what we notice and DON'T notice in life. I realized that many would say I am very mature for my age. In the past two years I grew up too fast. I experienced much pain, and asked questions for almost everything. I questioned why there was so much pain, why people ignored so many bad things, and why we didn't help those which we could. I questioned everything, and I was lost. I've had my years of crying, and depression, and thoughts of suicide. Since then I have chosen to try to lead by example. This is what made me who I was the past two years. I tried to be the nicest, most humble, sympathetic, caring, outgoing person I could. I tried to help so many, and focus on the things that really matter. It lead me to a point where I was broken and near an extreme breaking point. I guess maybe that isn't the way to go. To just feel like you are by yourself.

I came down here (Florida), to get a break from all that. Things were very hard at first, but I am thankful for the place I am in now. I am thankful for having the opportunity to get rid of a lot of "distractions" and other interactions with people. I have pushed a lot of friends away since I've been down here. I've become a much more introverted person. And this isn't because I have stopped caring about people, or that I have gotten fed up with anyone, or that I am not strong enough to do it. I have pushed people away because I want to know what exists in life when there isn't those things. When we don't go from interaction to interaction and talking about that person's day, and this person's drama. There is more to life. I want to find it.
I haven't done the best job searching for it. It is not through this computer, it is not in an xbox, and it is not on T.V. It's not in a beer or a hard mixed drink. It's not in a bar. It's not at work, or even in an amusement park.

I haven't gone searching for it enough. It is in the sunset and the sunrise. It is in the stars late at night. It is in the ocean and the waves. In the rivers and the living things that called them home. It is in places outside of Cocoa Beach and Cape Canaveral. What would it be like to spend just one day with no human contact? I wonder. I think that's something I want to try to find out. I'm going to look into exploring more of the world around me down here. I'm going to try to really get the best out of these next few months.

Dear me,
I've been falling. I haven't been doing the best. I haven't been trying to make myself a little less of a shitty person everyday. I haven't been trying to find more new beauty in the world. It is there. I'm new at this. I have never tried this before, and maybe I do just need a little bit of help and guidance. But I will find it. And I will keep on going and get more out of this. Bringing my xbox down here was a bad idea. I don't need it. Not at all.
I will be waking up at 6:01 tomorrow. I'm going to go sit on the beach and watch the sunrise.

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"I'm addicted to the way that I feel when I think of you"

One feeling. One feeling that I got 6 years ago for one person. I didn't know love was so strong. Since then, I have learned a lot about love. I have seen and experienced it in many different ways. I have felt extremes. I am a passionate person. If you know me, you know that I wear my heart on my sleeve way more so than most people that use that expression. I feel extremes. Highs that are more intense than someone doing cocaine for the first time. I've never done it, but I don't need to. There are stronger things out there. Things like the desire to help those that need it. To change the world in a way that you just pray and hope is for the better. Because after all, we never really know, do we?
Tonight I had two friends over for dinner. I'm taking one thing that was said and storing it deep in my mind. The idea of a schedule. I have been lazy. I didn't get out of this house today besides to buy groceries. I have an idea of a goal that I would love to try to accomplish while I'm down here. I'm not yet going to share what it is, but it will take A LOT of time and effort. I can't do that without a schedule. Life is a balance. I'm just trying to find the middle. Tomorrow I will wake up energized, excited, and ready to take on the day. I will start the morning off watching a video of something inspiring. I will show my heart to the world, or at least anyone that is noticing. I will be productive, and I will try to be as caring, loving, and outgoing that I can. I will try to make the world a better place. Tomorrow I will make someone laugh, make someone else smile, and hope to give someone a hug before the day is over. What will you do?
Company is good. As I sit alone in my apartment, I remind myself to never stop being a people person. I don't have to change who I am just because I'm living alone. There is a fire burning inside me. Let's throw some gasoline on the flame and make a difference.

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