Tonight's another night alone

I should get in my car and drive west. Run away from this new year.



<3

The same story for the.... ( i cant remember how many times)

maybe this one i can at least feel go at the end


<3

What's the point?

I don't get how some people love just running to drugs or alcohol whenever they have a problem. I mean, sure it's nice to get away. But there are so many fucking better ways. I don't get how people realize that it fucks them up more, but still do it. It brings them more pain. There's other places to turn. And I could show you, but you won't see things you don't want to. It makes me want to give up. Nothing else does. But those words, I don't understand it. If that becomes you're life then all I can say is I hope very soon you realize how much you are missing out.


and i love that the songs you sing are written about girls just like you
<3

Seven Pounds

Love is the movement


Tomorrow I hope I make someone's day, and maybe even change the direction they're headed in in life.



<3

Same thing as last year.

Sitting alone listening to "Yule shoot your eye out" repeatedly . It feels comforting in a few different ways I think. I hope I never forget to do this. I think this is my favorite part of the holidays. Ya, I know, fucked up right? Oh well, go unwrap your presents on the morning and be happy. Don't forget though, love doesn't come in a box.



<3

I won't be a Rockstar.

This is something that has been hitting me lately. I won't get a band, I won't go anywhere with one if I did. Over the past few months this has started to takeover in my head. If it's wrong, college is to blame. But as much as I can have my heart set into it, I need to find other people that want it as bad as me. And that just isn't happening. I'm losing faith, so maybe It's my own fault. I don't really know what else to do though. I go through a lot of phases. Some repeat. It shows in my writing. Maybe this is just another one of those, or maybe it really is different. "Believers never die". But I already did a long time ago. I said I'd throw this all away for something, and I think that's my biggest weakness. Anyway, I'm going to try to become a "better person". I'm going to try to help people. Get really involved in TWLOHA. That is something good, and worth living for. And I'm always going to love FOB and all of this. And hopefully I will still always write. But I just hope in God's eyes, or who ever it is to which we are their snow globe which we are all stuck inside, I hope I seem worthwhile. Maybe life isn't worth living, but we can try to change that.

If im disappointing myself, and no one is here to notice as i runaway; then I can go on in life living a perfectly hidden lie.
<3

The dollar isn't the only thing that's down

The snow keeps people inside. Gives me a chance to get out and not be around everybody. "It all looks so nice now". Funny, because it looked nice before, but you didn't notice. I don't feel as alone as I did last time this year. Maybe that'll change tomorrow. But it's not all because of false hope. It's because I'm realizing that I have some good friends. What would happen if we were both alone? I think it's a question that brings fear. But let's come to an answer. We can keep it our little secret. I'm still asking for one more last kiss. It's kinda sad. I know what feeling I love. I just need to figure out how to feel it without also feeling lonely. Snowflakes falling everywhere. I just want someone to walk with through it all. It's a lot to ask, but it's the only thing I'm asking. I guess I've buried myself in too big of a hole. I won't be found until the green grass shows. And It'll be too late. But that is everyone's story isn't it? Or at least what everyone thinks or wants to think theirs is. Having someone telling you what you feel is way easier than figuring out it all on your own. But this also has been said. This is the same sad story everyone has. And right now I'm not doing a good job telling mine. So I'll end it with this for tonight:

Making the heartache a headache doesn't help.

I could be on stage at madison square garden in front of a sold out crowd full of people whose life's I've changed for the better.
But there will always be that one thing that can make me leave it all without regret.

that's all i got


slipping away,
<3

It's not cold enough to snow outside, but there's a blizzard in my heart

Memo to self:
If your not feeling used,
then you aren't feeling anything real


<3

finals suck

dying to get home tomorrow and listen to folie a deux repeatedly.



<3

insights. my heart at these moments

Snow outside is fun. It makes me happy until I have to accept that it means christmas is almost here. Call me Scrooge, but I'm not looking forward to it one bit. Christmas is great if you have somebody to love, but if you don't it sucks. I feel like there is no one in my life right now I can hug for a long time with a lot of meaning. I miss that. Having someone in your life like that is a really great thing to have. If you do, then go give them a hug tomorrow. You don't need a reason. And if you don't, then I'm giving you a huge hug right now. What do I do with my life? I think right now, more importantly (at least to anyone reading this); is what has happened with my writing? I've been missing the poetic little sayings lately.

Let's all realize something.
No matter how much of a negative feeling you have towards a person, when they die, you feel remorse. Luckily, that has yet to happen with me. I wonder if most people do feel remorse. Because that would be them realizing that there was a chance that they could've reconnected with that person. That they could have fixed their problems. It is always possible. It's kept me on this place we call earth a lot the past few years. Just knowing that there is a chance that I might be able to talk to one particular person which I haven't since a harsh departing. But harsh departing and bad endings just show that you cared. And there is nothing wrong with that is there? If everyone showed they cared, this world would be "perfect". But that will never happen.

I always throw my heart out there. I will meet someone and tell them my deepest secrets. Sometimes it works out great. But I get confusing responses sometimes when I feel like I connect with someone, but then I feel like they push me away. They won't answer my calls, they won't respond to my texts or messages. This is the kind of girl that makes me lose it. This is the second worst pain I've had, but in some ways the most serve because I've let it last the longest. This is what was driving my hate for a year and a half. And because I could never talk to that person, I was left with anger and unsure how to let it out. Sometimes it was on myself, others it was on friends. I regret that. I realize it now. Maybe I would still have some of my closest friends had I not been doing that. Recently someone like this came into my life again, and I was able to let go before I got in too deep. Letting go is so hard for me. I don't understand these types of people. They show pain, but no sign of wanting help. Usually I see that in people, but some I can't. And I dwell on that. It's hard to let go. That's how I've ended up at my worst.

I've realized that almost no one has stayed with me through my life. So does that mean that I'm not an easy person to get along with? That I don't treat others fairly? Or does that just show that this world is fucked up, and no one is really real?

I'm trying to figure out my past and help people realize that they should have a future and give life more of a chance to try to make sense of it all. I'm going to tell the truth, no matter how much it hurts. Unless I think you can't handle it. In that case I will help you make yourself stronger until you can handle it in my eyes. "The truth hurts worse*". Breaking up hurt the worst. What does that mean? But moving on, I will do anything. And I mean anything, for my friends. If I really believe you are one, then I won't let you down. If I do, I'll do it on my death bed. Its so hard to find people like that. We don't show we care enough, but when there's an obvious chance for it, we all jump at it. Example- a girl can be sitting alone at a lunch table, and no one will go sit with her. But if that girl is crying in the hallway, odds are, a few different people will go up to her. It makes me remember this girl in my school. She loved FOB. I new that, but I never was able to have a conversation with her. I wanted to. Stupid me. But she went by me in a rush in the hall one day and I could tell that she was crying and/or had been. I let her go. I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry. In one way or another I will be helping people in my life. I'm just trying to figure out which way is the best/ most likely. It's a tough decision.
I tried to make that just of what I knew for sure right now in my life. But I couldn't do that. We never know everything. And what we know is always tied to what we are trying to figure out.

I'll go asked to be prescribed to pills again when they make one that gets rid of all of the anger inside of a human body.
<3

thank you

she showed me that i wasn't worth her time.


let's spend a night together with our clothes on (for once)


next time i wont have just some little stupid saying
<3

Give me two hours (maybe less)

and then I'll give you the rest of your life if you still want to go down the path you're headed.


Where you think you are


normal


the strength of my heart


you












the strength of my heart when it comes to you

Dear the newest one to attempt to ruin my heart,

I regret spending one of the best days of this year with you. I wish we left you in the car. Or better yet out in the rain. Or best of all, back at your dorm room. That was my day way more than it will ever be yours. I wish you were sent to the back of the line. I should've made you go there.




Fuck off,
The broken item you attempted to destroy (which I call my heart)

I know it, but it's hard to live it.

True Love isn't something you can look for. It just has a way of finding you.


<3

And you know the worst part,

I let you

You did this

I can't sleep. I want to just take a knife and cut "I miss u" into my arm. I'm sorry I'm thinking about u. But sometimes I need to. Saying u don't want me to ever think about u again is saying u want me dead. Maybe u realize that. True Love is something we have. I'm wondering now, if the cd I've listened to so many times before I fall asleep is about a true first love or not. People don't usually write songs about girls like u. I was wrong when I started writing to write shit about u. I didn't understand, so I told myself u were someone we both knew u weren't. And then the hate started flowing. But I try everynight before I surrender my mind to sleep, to remember the real u and the real us.
These days have sucked. The person to blame knows who she is. Running away from me at the moment. I'll catch up if I still give a shit. I know her type all to well.
this is to someone different:
Try to control your own fucking life. You have it worked out well don't you? Fuck up your life for yourself just enough so you can use it as an excuse whenever someone tries to really help you. Everyone is different. But I don't want to waste my time trying to figure out how different one piece of shit is different from the other. Grabbing a little sign of what you think is love everywhere you can. But when you throw together all of your pieces, no matter how many you get, you're going to fall short. It just won't work. Your not getting by. I have the advantage, and from now on I always will. You won't let anyone in because you are too scared to know the truth. I bet you'd use your body to get out of talking. I wouldn't know, we rarely got past the part where I'd call and you'd make sure not to answer. Because of your stubborness, I feel insecure. It makes me want to burn your house down. When you come running out, instead of water I'll dump gasoline on you. Then you can try to put the fire out with all of those tears you can let out all to well at any instant. Steal what I thought was a friend, and make him your boy. Do it again, just to treat me like a toy. Once that finger slid in your pants you had him, and you always will. You knew what you were doing, and you knew it well. That was your push, and I fell. But I'm getting up now, so I'd pack up and leave. Cause you just made a side of me. A side that should never been seen. I'm taking off the mask to show the scars. You'll flinch and look away at first. When you look back you won't believe what you see. Blood takes up more of the floor than it doesn't. Just leave it here for a minute. I know You can wash that up in an instant. I could be lying dead on the floor, and your lies would still control the room. You can talk your way out of ruinging this friendship. But you couldn't leave this town without looking back on it. Your name is the only thing that will be burried deeper than my soul in hell. So why not, make it worth it. Go for the party scene next year. While your driving home drunk, I hope you turn the wrong way off the cliff.

Now that some of this is off my chest. I will try to go to bed.
This weekend better keep the drama with it when it ends.
<3

I just figured out something big.

basically why I've been such a dick to a lot of my friends in the past. And why I hold such high expectations. I think I can change that now. I think if he saw me now, he'd like me. And that right there is all the satisfaction I need out of this day to be able to fall asleep right now. So good night. And to those of you who are staying up late, don't worry, I'll be back with you soon.

Thanks to all of my friends who have stuck through it all. Really, thanks.
Well that's really only one.
But thanks also to those of you who have stuck with me through most of it.
<3

good night

*hug*

<3

I can be surrounded by friends,

but if she's not there, I feel alone. It sounds so sweet, unless you're one of my friends.

Holidays suck

I'm feeling alone. I'm in dire need of someone. I don't know if I can get through another holiday season on my own. I hate everything about everything around me this time of the year. Nothings feels like a home when I'm just trying to avoid the one place that I know isn't. I want so bad to meet someone like me. When I get close to a person I (hope to) think that they are like me. But they're not. No one is. I'm the only person like myself. And I'm not compatible with anything that won't make my skin bleed when I press it against it. There's no one that will ever be as alone as me. There is no one that will be there for me every moment that I need someone. I know I'm just constantly getting hurt. U said this to me months ago. When I started this blog actually. And right now, I'm starting to think it's a problem. I hope I realize that this is ok though, that right now I'm wrong. Just because it'll mean that u were wrong too. Because I would fail so useless if after over two years of being apart, and all of the self though I've done, u know me better than me. But then again, maybe that is how it should be. Maybe it's part of love.
I have my new close friend. A new person in my life that I'm going to care about too much. That is just going to hurt me in the end. Someone that I'm going to trick myself into believe that I might end up with. Just because that lie will keep me going. But I'll just get really hurt in the end. I'm afraid this is like something familiar in the past. But that ended up with me yelling to doctors my way out of getting checked into a mental hospital. I don't want to go down that road again (even though it may be what I really need). All I want is someone to hold tight late at night with feeling. That's it. But I guess that's too much to ask out of life. I guess I'm just stuck with the pain for eternity. If I see you, I might just beg you to end my life. Because I'm too pathetic to do it myself.


I don't bleed to know I'm alive.
I just sit here scar free knowing that for the rest of the time my heart beats, I'll feel dead.
<3

I don't love, just care.

but it's still too much


<3

Fire Alarms suck

So I stood outside for over an hour from 10 30 on. I guess it's part of the college experience. And getting interviewed one by one by the cops as we come back in. Luckily I'm on the basement floor and that's where they started. So now I think I'm just going to stay up all night. I think today went ok. I took a few steps that are leading me back to being the person I want to be. If you don't like how your day is going, just stay up until it gets better. Maybe it's stupid, but it actually worked for me tonight.

Somewhere in between the crazy non-stop days, and the restless nights of sleep; these words fit in.
Somewhere in this world, I fit in. Maybe I haven't found it yet. But I'm still searching. Today I'm going to change my major. Sign up for classes next semester. I'm going to take a psychology course. Maybe I'll find out what's really wrong with me. Or what's really wrong with all of you.
In the long run, people always seem to realize that I'm right. It's not cause im amazing. It's cause I sit and really think about things. In the long run, people seem to realize that I'm right. What do you think about me now? If I hear a whisper of "I miss you" in my ear late at night, I'll wake up with a smile on my face. You can break into my house at anytime to tell me that.
Sometimes lips meet other lips when they aren't supposed to. But mine this winter, just keep getting more and more chapped from the cold weather. They stay alone. Chap stick was made for people like me. So I don't have to look like I've been alone forever. Maybe it's my white lie, but can't we all have one that we just keep to ourselves? I won't tell. I won't even kiss. The only thing these lips are meant to meet is a microphone. You secretly lock lips, and place his hands around you hips. I just try to make these tales into hits. I'll race you to see who gets more. But you're going to win. You keep your sins. I'll keep ending up lost on the voyage before I begin. Always with a guy, always got a drink in your hand on the weekends, but you're more alone than me. Barely getting by, can't think when I write you letters It's only lies I send. But you're more alone than me. When will you realize it? Don't tell me I'm right, just feel alive for one night. Before you die, will you ever feel as good as I have?


I need sleep. this is starting to not make sense.
<3

Seasonal depression

So many conversations I wish we could have. If I'm worth all of the money that was put into saving me, then I guess I'm actually worth a lot. I moved out of that town, but some part of me just hasn't left yet. I almost miss it. I remember nights alone. I remember nights of cops at 1 am. nights of walks to a familiar park. But up here nothing is familiar. If I died tomorrow, I would have a normal funeral. People up here would have nothing but good things to say about me. But that's not who I am. I feel like I'm getting a best friend, but I want to warn her so bad that she doesn't know what she's getting herself into. I'm waiting for my relapse. I can't wait to go home, but I know why. I can swallow pills anywhere in the world to "make me happy". But going back to that town is like swallowing a pill that does the opposite. I wish my first love was my therapist. I wish I could let out my ideas to people that actually cared. I want to hold a hand, and feel the rough surface when my hand wanders up a little bit. I want to go back to the way I was. I got there at 4:30 in the morning, and sat in line in the rain all day.I was in the front row right in front of him. But at those moments, I wasn't gold to him. I was just another face. I could tell. And whenever I don't know if I'm real or not, if I see him, he has a way of telling me. The same away messages from 3 years ago. Yet she claims she's changed so much. Change it. Give me less hope. But I still have the pictures. I will never burn those. I will keep you in my heart forever. Am there is room for more people than you. But not enough for another True Love. That's the way life is. Look at the fucked up world before you tell me I'm wrong. Call 911. I'm dying. But we all are. The lucky goes fast. Maybe it's been said before. But you don't fucking get it America. So we say it again hoping that maybe you'll understand. But ignore it. go back to your sex drugs and alcohol. You say that's rock and roll. I say it fucks up the soul. Are we ever meant to move on?
Just keep changing boy. Soon enough you'll forget who you are cause you've changed so much. Then you'll be like the rest of us. Then you'll fit in. Maybe even settle down and marry someone you know you don't love.
Maybe I'll be lucky and drop dead first.

<3

This is me. Right now. Nothing held back

I'm torn in between to ideas. It's happened before, but this is harder. Because there is the me that I feel real. The me that I love, because I believe no one else ever will. The me that loves to be down. This side has always been there. And the other side has never seemed real to me, so it was so easy to choose the side of me that I just mentioned. This time, the other side is real. I've gotten caught up in this whole movement. I know it's good. It's helping people. It's my dream. But not through the way I want to. Maybe I will settle for this, because I don't have to settle a lot. It's a lot of what I want. But I still feel like I could do something better with my life. I still have the dream with music. Last night I read one of my old posts. I love it. I was so amazed that I wrote something that good. I couldn't believe I had done it. But I don't have those feelings right now. I haven't gotten in those moods that allow me to write like that in awhile. And I almost wonder, if now I've left a big enough mark that I won't forget u. I've left something that I can always go back to. I won't forget how I felt. I love the way I was, and I won't ever forget it. But after 3 years I wonder if it's finally time for me to move on. If maybe I'm ready to. I'm scared. I don't know what's going to happen. But in the next few months I have to figure out a lot. I think I love the idea of helping other people to, because I will be somewhat happy with it; but I believe if I did that u would respect me again, and that would make me happier.
I think this has something to do with the fact that I haven't wrote in my actual journal in weeks. It's hard. I miss it. I don't know if I have to let go of that also to move on. I'm trying to figure it out. I hope I don't. I love that. It has more secrets packed inside than I could ever share with any heart. And that's the way it should be.
This is one thing I have learned for sure. When you are going through a shitty time, you aren't alone. Other people are going through shit as well. And you can help each other through. And you can open up to those who reach out to you. It's so much better. Pain will never go away, it's part of life. But, we can minimize it. Hugs are the absolute best medicine in the world.


<3

TWLOHA

i'm going to say it one more time. go check it out. it is allowing me to feel so alive right now



<3

Here's a step backwards:

From 9/29/07. I smiled when reading this. The end, not so much.

Theres this uneasy feeling in my stomach. Its been there for 2 days now. Prob the fact that I've ate nothing besides Macdonalds twice since then. Hate the fact that for some reason I can't just quit life. Wish something tragic could happen to me. Maybe then people would really care. Maybe then people would want 2 spend time with me. Why take a shot in the dark when I can't see any light? I'm the hair that will never leave your eyes, cause you will never see the world the same way again. For once I felt like something was going my way. Like my heart was resting for once. But it was just because it was going to skip so many beats after that. And not in a good way. I am the starlight on a cloudy night. You now I'm there, but your too impatient to wait. When you can see it every night, who cares if you miss a night or two? Or a week. How would you feel though, if when you finally went to look for it, you couldn't see it. Maybe it died, maybe its just to dull to notice. But that's ok, there are so many other stars you can look at. You'll just forget thats what left is a place that will never look right. But i never looked right. Tell me a reason. Just let me understand. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to. thats a promise. Cause right now, this is killing me more than the scars I've made. the scars i will make. Almost as much as the scars u've made in my heart. I'll be dead before any of them heal. Go get a shovel, and go to the cemetary. Dig out a grave for me so its ready. It's the least you could do. Place the coffin in, and ill sleep in it everyday until one day i just dont wake up. Sleep is my best friend. It's funny how the things that help us can also hurt us the most. I love that i can have hours back to back where i dont think about everything. But i hate the work thats involved trying to get back those hours. Playing is the only thing i can do that gives my heart a break and seems worthwhile. That and writing i guess. I have no hope but to be hopeless. Yet im the hope of others. im the record that you put in and press repeat. and as much as you feel you understand it all just because you know all of the words; everytime you sit down and listen to it, you learn something new. Its so great to have that band which you feel like is your own secret. But sometimes you just need to turn on the radio and hear 50 with Timbalnd and JT. If there's nething i've learned in the past two days, its this:

your the closest to love i'll ever get again.
but because you dont know what love is yet, you feel like im too close.
trust me when i say its not as close as you think.
i miss you.
the doorstep in front of your house is my second home.
i already have a broken heart.
and i fucked myself over with the first home.
just let me stay until i fuck myself over with this one too.
maybe you'll get (un)lucky, and i wont.
and you'll know this sad pathetic loser forever.
but I'm not that at all to you am i?
i'm the boy thats taught you the joy, cause you know the pain so well.
I'm the tear drop that never makes it down your cheek, cause its caught on a shirt from a hug.
It's happiness that has truth behind it.
Your my bestfriend, and no matter what happens with us, 10 years from now ill still wonder if your ok. and hope that you are. cause just like me, you'll never leave the part of this heart that i gave you.


Deep down i think this will all work out.
and i know this feels right.

dyingtotalk
<3

To Write Love On Her Arms

www.twloha.com

read it. look around the site. get involved. I went to their stop at UML on their east coast tour tonight. These guys are so real. They are so nice, and they really have their hearts into this. I stayed there and had almost an hour conversation with one of the people in it after the presentation. It is truly amazing, and one of the few things in the world today that seem 99% real to me.

<3

I (sadly) don't forgive when I shouldn't

sometimes i miss my ex friends. i wish they did things that could be so much easier to forgive. i wish i could look back at the memories and not be hurt because i know there wont be future ones like them. i miss things i never knew. because i wish i knew when this world was a better place, but I haven't got the slightest fucking clue. im sick of being alone. but I won't settle for anything "better" if it's less real to me. let the rain pour down. It washes away the blood faster.


hopefully tonight I'll feel better.
I've now hit the post button 100 times, and put just as many useless hopeless words on the world wide web.
and out of all of that, i dont have one comment. id asked myself why i still do it, but i know i shouldn't.


let me die faster. Maybe I'll cherish life a little bit that way.
<3

I felt like sunshine on this rainy day

Drunk phone calls. Rides headed to an unknown destination starting at 1 a.m. and ending around 3 a.m. in my hometown. then spending the whole next day putting more miles on tires than i did the week before. driving, visiting, shopping, driving, a "first date at Mcdonalds", and a little more driving. This might be one of the best 24 hours of this year. But that all depends on how the next few weeks play out.

this is something special. friends or something more, I don't know yet.
But if you convince me you care, I'll give you every single broken piece to this heart i can find. (I just hope I don't get it stolen, or back in more pieces). You remind me a little of my tttyg. But I don't want to see that, so I'm not right now. I never though I'd sound so hopeless when saying this, but please don't let me down. And if you must, let me down gently. I've taken a lot of hits in this round, and another hard fall might be a KO.


<3

Dear Love,

can we meet again? it's been a while.
my head has been spinning in circles. I'm in one of those moods that just doesn't allow me to keep up. my heart doesn't know where to go right now. It's like im homeless. and im going into a house, but i have no idea what it's like inside, or how long im going to stay. so im scared. cause this has happened before, and i just ended up right back on the streets. its cold and dark. the rain is slamming against my head. will you give my comfort, or are you just stopping to say how unfortunate this situation is; and then moving on with your life without actually helping me at all?

You find the right path for you, and then you spend your life pushing away people that try to get you off of that path and onto the "right one"

<3

Fall Out Boy 11/6/08 Harper's Ferry

This was one of the best nights of my life. I figured out one of the reasons why I love this band so much. They are so real.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97YGZmoXJRs

It gets cut off, but Pete says he herd someone yell Tell That Mick before, and that they are going to play that song right now.
I wish I had the balls to stay after and meet them. I'm just so nervous I'll say something stupid.
Oh, did I mention I basically set up the line for this show? Overcast Kids rule.
It's nights like this that make life worth living sometimes.
Right before they played Saturday I wanted to yell,"you make this place my home Pete" or something like that. But I just didn't.
I'm so afraid he'll look down on my in some way. I'm so afraid to not get accepted by him.


Fall Out Boy= my heart's safest resting place
I would sleep in a car and sit outside in the rain from 4:30 a.m. until 6 p.m. any day to see them.
<3

Irony....

There's a day when we all dress up and pretend we're someone else.
It's so easy to be something we're not, but do we know who we really are?


ponder that. my heart is too tied up in itself right now to flow feelings through these fingers.



dying,
< 3

He makes me feel worth living

I've been searching frantically for FOB secret shows. I believe I found one in NYC, but I'm not sure. I'm going to go to it 90% sure. Hopefully it's real. It'd be awesome to find one in the Boston area, but I doubt I'm that lucky. I've been on the internet for hours lurking here and there. It's so nice to do something like this that gives me a good feeling. Have I mentioned that I've been searching the internet for hours?
Off to do math homework, but I'll probably search a little more first. And after.


I love the last few sips of a hot coffee. I hadn't had one in so many months, but I figured what the hell, it might snow tonight so I guess It's not too early.


dying
<3

countdown to happiness

My arms feel weak. My hands are tired. These days aren't getting any shorter, just darker. Time is a waste. I'm sorry if this writing consist of nothing positive. I'm depressed, so your going to have to deal with this until I get some pills, find some one to talk to, or maybe this will be the last thing. We think about past memories because it's the easiest way for us to feel something that is good. I seriously considered just leaving here today and selling a few things. Driving to the middle of the country, probably Chicago. Then just waiting for Fall Out Boy to start their tour, and fallow them around and go to every show. That would get me through the next year. I don't really know what else will. I don't have anyone within 50 miles of me that can give me a meaningful hug. Lines from books and pages of notes fill my head as my heart stays empty. And there's supposed to be four years of this shit?

Remember when we used to just lie on your couch and spend 20 minutes telling each other to pick something to watch? But in reality we weren't going to watch it anyway, so it didn't matter? Remember falling asleep in each others arms not because we were tired, but because nothing felt better than waking up next to each other? Remember staying up so late on the phone sharing our childhood memories and asking each other the most randomest questions that we could think of? Remember?

Remember holding me while everyone else hated me? Sitting with me in the psychologist's office? Meeting me in the park and laying there with me, because nowhere else felt like home? Telling me I'll be ok when I needed to hear it? Answering the phone at 2 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5 times a day? Remembering holding me tight and giving me and giving me a kiss on the forehead; not to kiss me, but to kiss away the suicidal thoughts? Remember? Cause I remember no one being there for all of this except me. It's not your fault, but when you left me, the world turned away; and I was all alone. I'll give you enough credit to say that you left me with something though. You left me the reality firsthand that this world is barely worth living on without you.



I'm dying,
<3

I'm curious about the afterlife

"Lost and hurt and bone thin from the love that's been starved
I know it got close but I'm sure it's too far
From the point of suspense, we know it should be
The end of that part of our favorite movie
When the guy grabs the girl and gives her his hand
Says take me away from this torturous land
Cause the grave is set up, the hole that I dug"


This world isn't the right place for me

<3

If we don't talk until tomorrow it's ok. I'll be in a better mood. I'll be closer to death.

Late nights are made great by the reasons you stay up.

right now I sit in my bed, as my best friend is falling asleep next to me on the biggest fucking air mattress I have ever seen. I haven't felt this real in months. If something is going to actually happen with this whole dream of mine, he will be involved in some way. This is our time. It's almost here. And we are waiting for it.

believers never die
<3

"I've been here before a few times, and I'm quite aware; I'm dying"

Currently listening to- armor for sleep, dream to make believe, my town
Currently feeling- kind of ok

I haven't done this in a while. I want the world to slow down. I don't really know what to write. I told myself I'm going to try to be nicer, and more forgiving towards people. But I doubt it'll happen. Nobody seems worth second chances.
I just really don't understand what's so great about life.
Maybe I'm unsure of what to right, because I realize I'm at the end. That there isn't anything new to write. I got all the basic points. And they all tell me I should just die; so why don't I?

I wonder if all of my friends get text messages telling them that they shouldn't talk to me because I'm in a bad mood.
Full up your day just to try to keep your mind busy. But have you ever noticed, your heart is just dragging itself around?


If u want me to stop writing about u,and to stop thinking about u; ur gona have to ask me to die. Because there's no other way.
I just found something that tells me it's ok to live this way; feeling like this


<3

I want to go home

But I don't have one

This is what kills me

Knowing that helping someone else would make me feel a little better right now. Just might allow me to wake up tomorrow without debating whether or not I should get up. Knowing that somewhere in this world, there is someone lonelier than me right now. Knowing that tonight while billions of people go to sleep, thousands will die. A few will commit suicide. That right now I'm dying to talk to someone like this, and to help someone. And right now, someone is wishing someone could help them. But the night goes on and we will never talk. Maybe we'll meet in heaven.


They say the captain goes down with it's ship
so when the world ends, will God go down with it?*

<3

Also I forgot,

When you go through a real shitty time like this, you find out who is really there for you. You turn to a lot of "friends", when there isn't anyone else to turn to. Some people push you away, or are "too busy", or can't be bothered to help you. Some people don't care enough to try to help you, or even give you a place to sleep at night. But some people step up. You find out who your friends are; who will really do you a favor and be there for you when you need someone the most.
I hold very high standards for friends. There are a lot of people that I don't bother respecting, or being nice to; because I know that they wouldn't be there for me. I'm glad I'm that way; because on nights like two nights ago, when I pick up the phone, I kind of know how the conversation will go before I even press the send button. So to those few people that really didn't let me down, and showed me you cared; I thank you. Know that my little heart is stashed with your names. And I never forget it.

<3

If only I had the balls to fallow through.....

This is a suicide note I wrote yest. I wanted to die, I was ready to, but (sadly) I didn't. I just couldn't go through with it or maybe I didn't want to. I've done a lot of thinking since. I decided that after this year, or maybe even this semester; I'm going to take a few years off from college. I'm going to get an apartment and completely move out of my house. I'm going to get a full time job and be on my own. But most importantly, I'm going to try to start a band. I want to have a year or two when I can just focus on that. It's the only way it could actually happen, and I could go somewhere with it. But anyway, shut off music. Ask people to leave the room. This is the most truthful thing I've ever written. And to start off, It's sad when you consider checking yourself into a mental hospital just so you can sit in a place that is your "safe house". It's sad when I believed yesterday at one point that the closest I could get to feeling "at home" was a mental hospital.

The world is not good. It's not worth living on. Everyone becomes too caught up on the wrong things. Life isn't about money. The best thing in life is unconditional love. Except that is so hard to find. We are all taught the wrong philosophies of life from an early age. School is a waste of time. Life isn't about learning and memorizing things we read in textbooks. It's about meeting people, exploring the world, and searching for love. Everyone gets caught up in finding a good job, going to the right school. What about love? What about caring about other people. This world is failing, just look at it. Our economy is fucked, we are in war (the lucky ones die), there's a 50% divorce rate, more kids turn to drugs and beer, the crime rate is up. Priorities are all wrong. It's so hard to escape from it all. If you fallow your heart, you either get lucky, or fail. I don't think I'll get lucky.
Everyone has problems growing up. Most kids don't deal with them. We learn to run away at an early age, but all we do is fuck up our lives more. Keeping things inside changes us; it allows us to become someone we aren't. Sometimes it's hard to find someone to talk to, sometimes it's hard to share our problems with others. It's things everyone should learn to do however. We lie to ourselves all the time, just so we can move on. It's not heathy. I'm sick of lying. I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of wanting to have someone in my life that knows me and loves me. I'm not saying it's impossible that it will ever happen. I'm not saying it's impossible that I'd be in a band. But I'm saying I'm done waiting. I don't know what comes after death, but I'm eager to find out. Cause I don't give a fuck what the future is in this life.
I understand things. I feel right about what I write. I'm certain of a few things at least. But some are just completely clueless. I can't tell me parents how I really feel about them, and what I really think, because they couldn't handle it. I truly believe that life will only get worse for me right now, so I'm making a logical decision.

You only fall in luve once in life.
My heart still tells me I did.
p. 43 The Boy With The Thorn In His Side
< 3 (but there's nothing left, my body is just a corpse now)
Kevin Daniel Pelletier

We aren't as different as your think.

Music is my life. School isn't. I'm going to school for music, but I realize that they are two different things. I'm not fallowing my dream, I'm falling into a trap. Someone help me get out of this. I can't do it myself. I'm failing because my heart isn't into this. It makes me realize that this isn't important. The school I mean. The work. It's all just a waste. I'm still in love. And this broken heart is going to die with that. I don't feel right. I don't feel like I'm in charge of my life right now. I have no time. No time for me. No time to think and figure out things. I just keep going. Life isn't great when everyday seems the same.

What is time?
the unit used to measure this continuing pain


imsorryforyourlossihopeyouredoingok.


< broken 3

Me, Myself, and no one else

Hey there, is life going great?
Well do me a favor, and wait.
The truth will come in a painful form
You heart will be ripped, shredded, and torn
Your not Important, you don't matter
We're all just atoms, the universe is matter

I'm sorry to break your little hearts into pieces
But this is the truth, the truth
You're better off accepting my thesis:
In life we all lose, all lose


Deal with it how you must
Time is the wind and we are the dust
It's pushing us where we won't want to go
It's telling us truths we don't want to know
Before you know it kid, you'll be dead
Gone, and no one cared what you said
Don't try to save us, we're all dying
"You'll get through this", you're all lying

Slit my wrist just to feel alive
All because, You said you loved me,
And now you claim you lied.


I don't understand life. I'm killing my(self) potential right now. I still have every message. Every note. I still have every picture. And every memory still rests in my heart. I can't fucking stand it all. Maybe the world is moving on, but it's spinning to fast. No one can keep up. Look at how fucked up of a place we live in before you tell me I shouldn't live in the past. I miss breathing without a heavy heart. I miss having someone to go to that I believed would always be there for me. The streetlight is still on the corner. Maybe I should go sit under it this weekend. This life isn't turning out what I thought it would be. I'm living a life that wasn't made for me. I don't want to do this anymore.
Tonight I took a step back; and then ten more.
If you say your over me.
If you tell yourself it will never work out between us again.
If you believe you feel nothing towards me.
If you don't care to help me.
If you consider us done.
If you have written me off.
If your heart is honestly full.
Then please, just kill me.
Cause I'll never get over you.
Please kill me.
I'm standing on the edge.
I'll jump if you can watch, and walk away without a tear in your eye.
If you're ready to do that, tell me a time and a place and I'll be there.
Don't tell me you don't care.
Prove it.
It's the only way I'll leave you alone.
<3

"Believers never die"

I want a room full of people singing words to me that I wrote.

That's my one dream in life

<3

How to fall asleep alone

I'm not cut out for this world. I'm dying and I'm accepting it. I'm ready to go. I'm fine with being taken right now. I don't want to be "ok". I don't want to "settle". I want love. In the purest form there is. It looks nice outside, but it's not. I look fine, but I'm not. Open heart surgery couldn't save me now. Check me in to the mental hospital with queen size beds. Then meet me there at night. Lay with me (in my dreams); and run away before the sun comes up. Maybe if I dream it enough, I'll actually believe that you're there. "Do you know why your here?" because my heart hurts. because I'd rather die than be alone. If you say that in a movie it's romantic; if you say that In real life, then they write you a prescription. I feel lonely in every way there is too feel it. You want to live to be a hundred? I stopped living before I hit 17. There are brief moments I come back to life, but you can just consider me dead. I'm stuck out at sea, I'm yelling help, but no one can hear me.

I want answers, but the only people that just might have them I only meet with a barrier in between us. Because they're on stage, and im in the crowd. Every face tells a story, so what do they see when they look at mine? I feel like in a way they know I'm one of them. Thats why my hand was the one grabbed out of everyone by Pete, by William. That's conceited and probably a lie; but those moments are what have kept me alive. It's so odd how I'll become obsessed with death, but when someone tells me they are going to kill themselves, I try to talk them out of it. Hell you think I'd say, go for it, I wish I could. But something always tells me to tell other people to keep going. Half the time, I don't even know why I keep going. I know the real truths. It's why I'm in pain. I close my eyes and pretend that there is a body next to mine; then I move on and get through another day. I lay in bed and fall asleep telling myself a lie; just so I will be able to wake up in the morning without a heavy heart.
Scream love late a night a the top of a rooftop. And then listen.


lost
<3

It's heart to go for a walk when your heart will barely let you stand

the water is calm
my feet walk at a steady pace back here, but my heart is running ahead to get onto this paper, like so many other nights
the river is flowing gently
but under the bridge there are waves.
My dreams crash against those rocks.
My legs have to take the ramp back up to my dorm.
It can't handle the stairs cause it feels like its been holding the weight of that bridge for weeks
I challenge anyone in this world to make me feel like I'm over u.
I feel like I'm just about 100% sure that you were the best thing in my life, and now your gone.
Part of me wants to just jump in my car and drive to your house.
Knock on the back door like I have so many late nights before.
But I remember the first one the most.
Blood on my shirt, tears in my eyes
but the second I saw the look in your face;
I knew I was home.
I'd ask you to just tell me how the fuck I can get over you.
Get over it all.
It's like you were the foundation of all the good real things in my life growing up.
But when it ended, before I could start to take down that foundation, the concrete was poured.
Now my love is trapped behind a stone wall, and it's only memories are of you.
I've tried everything to take that wall down, but its like breaking down the security system at Fort Knox.
It's just not going to happen.
Some will always try though.
Shotguns have two bullets for people like you and me.
Or for the people I thought we were.
If one dies, the other one will two.
All with one pull of the trigger.
It's fuck up to some, it's love to others.


There's not a pill, shrink, heart, hand, mind, drug, place, song, letter, word, memory, job, life, dream, hobby, or friend that can make me get over you.
Your grave has already been dug for you.
My heart is sitting in their patiently waiting.
<3

Right now, I want to bleed

I'm going nowhere fast. I'm sitting here turning into someone I don't want to be. Everything that feels right inside me is telling me to just leave here, go home, and start a band. If I ever actually kill myself, It's probably cause I woke up and realized that I wasn't fallowing my dream and any of this. That I had become someone I hated, and I didn't think it was worth the effort to try to change back into the "real me". Just keep that in mind when you think about "settling" in life

<3


p.s. I was rereading these. I really I repeat myself on certain ideas a lot. I'm going to try to work on that. And I realized that the past 2 weeks ago my writing has kind of sucked. It has kind of been from my heart. Kind of. I'm sorry. Read me like a book that you love, but then just put me back on the shelf in the library. I'm the author that sits home wondering if anyone out there has something to say about the "book" besides "it sucked"

What is this?

I am afraid that I will never again be completely happy with either of the two paths I could take. I want all of this so bad, that i try to not look for love. But if love actually found me, would I be able to give this up? No. So I could never commit to one thing. That's why some commit to the choice of no more choices. Maybe it's the weather, but I just don't feel right. I'm confused. I'm being tossed in so many different directions. Which way is pulling me the most? Should I let it? Should I just drop out and figure out what my heart really wants and then spend my whole life chasing that?
Love, I miss you.


I've got so many great friends in high places
I've got so many people who care
All my friends listen and understand my pain
I have so many best friends that are always there
All my friends understand my shame
I have so many people who can give me a lift
But before I saw thank you to all my friends
Let me tell you that this is all bull shit

I'm still alone, maybe worse than ever
I'm still alone, love won't come back
you want to help but you cant, so send me a letter
there's so much knowledge your heart lacks

cut me open, dissect my insides
3 years now I've been ready to die
this shame and guilt will fallow me to my grave
Give me a shovel I don't want to be saved
I'll lay in the coffin and say goodnight
You just have to shut it tight.
you can't help me live anymore,
so can you help me die?
life isn't hardcore
when love starts with a lie

college is all about getting drunk and fucking people you don't really know and getting high. Because if you take away all of that, you realize that it just totally sucks. You realize how alone you feel. Everyone has the same major, It's called becoming someone you're not. I wonder if she'd end up becoming a professor here.

I have a secret, but it's too early to tell.
And I don't want to ruin it, it's kinda the only thing I have going for me right now.

(maybe I just need to get laid)
<3

It's not Disneyland, so where?

find me a place where we don't have to grow up.

I don't like waking up

The past few times I've woken up without writing and/or listening to music before i go to sleep, I've had bad dreams. Not necessarily nightmares; but just bad dreams. Dreams the put me in a lousy mood when I wake up. Dreams that have me thinking about things I probably shouldn't be. It's not comforting. The only thing it makes feel right is pulling up the shade and seeing a rainy day ahead of me.
I've realized that I don't want to let go of you, because you're a part of my life wether or not you want to be. As much as you weren't a great friend at all; all those times I thought you were listening and caring weren't a complete waste. I realized and found out a lot about myself. I changed in a few ways, and started to adapt to pain and feeling lonely. You hurt me so much, but I guess in a way you've helped me to. By doing nothing. You have me so curious all the time. I wonder if you'll change. If there really is a bigger picture for you. I considered you my best friend, but I didn't even know your biggest secret. Is it cause you didn't even know it? I'm still attached to you. It can be bad or it can be good; but its happening. Who knows. I just had to get this off my chest so I could get out of bed this morning. I'm sorry if it doesn't make a lot of sense.

<3

Watch this

http://www.falloutboyrock.com/falloutboy/blog_detail.php?uf_item_id=1-106301&uf_system_id=1

It's patrick doing an interview. He's not really talking about the band, but more so the world we live in. It kind of hit me, so I figured I'd give you the info. and maybe it can touch you too.


<3

"we want to be remembered for doing something heroic. Heroic in who's eyes though?

On the drive back up here, there was an ambulance fallowing me for quite a few miles. It eventually passed me, but It was in viewing distance for awhile after that also. I'll let you make the metaphor for that on your own. I just kind of liked the bright lights.
Most of my friends will never miss me as much as I miss them. Or be as happy to see me as I am to see them. I know I feel alone sometimes and that is the reason that I hold people closer. But I can't help to not really feel wanted when I only get half hearted half smiles.

I think I understand why everyone likes college. The years are planned out for you, and you always have a place to escape and runaway to. If your at college, you can go back to your hometown when things get bad. If you are there, you can think about college and how soon you'll be back there. It supposed to teach us how to grow up, but how? By getting us use to moving back and forth in between two places that aren't even that great to us? We pick something we tell ourselves we might like to do; and 4 years of doing things we don't really want to are set up for us. Is it really that great? Personally I think the whole system is really fucked up. But hey, I'm part of it right now until I figure out a better path.
In order to take your own path, or the path "less traveled" you have to start out alone.
I just wrote that for me. Stamp it to my forehead so every time I look in the mirror and try to figure out who I am, I can remember what I need to do to become who I should be. I'm settling for mediocrity. Just like half or America; and down the road, I'll divorce my future and trade it in for a second one that might be better. Or maybe by that time I'd have just forgotten all of this.
I could show you what love is. I could make you feel safe again. I could make you feel whatever it was before any of the shit started in your life. I can give you the most comforting feeling you'll ever know. I write the words that will make all of the pain temporarily disappear. My arms can be that place where you can always run to when you need to know everything will work out just fine. I could show you what love is. I could, if the distance between us was closer.
(you never know who I'm writing about. its my secret that I keep to myself, cause I need something. its my secret. Don't share yours. it's how we die faster)

<3

no service

i lost my phone today. It really sucks. I didn't realized how attached I was to being able to talk to people. And I consider myself kind of a loner. Odd isn't it? I guess we really are the technological generation. I'll get a new one tomorrow. It's being bought with money that I can't afford to spend, but that's college isn't it? I'm not going to have any phone numbers in there though. And that really sucks. It was nice to have certain numbers in there; even though I know I'd probably never call them. I guess now it won't take me as long to realize that some nights I just have no one to talk to.


Fill the air beside me on these cold winter mornings ahead of us. I can comfortably lay my head on my pillow and my heart next to you.
<3

Today could be the start of something amazing and life changing

I don't know yet. I have worries, but time will tell all. So I patiently wait


<3

I want to help someone

It's been awhile. You know what completely sucks also? I haven't hugged anyone in a week. And hugs are up there for the best things ever. Like they are right next to Disney. But I've said that before. I'm in a new town like 60 miles away. I want to meet new people. But I've realized, if you take away some of my friends, I'm not as outgoing and carefree as I thought I was. I can actually be kind of shy. In Somerset it was easy for me to find the people that could use help. Those people are what made me feel alive. But up here, It's hard to find them. Maybe I'm just not looking hard enough or in the right places. Or maybe there just really aren't a lot of people like that in college. I love it when I just keep typing and it feels like the words, my fingers, and this keyboard and all just a runway for my heart to get on this page. It's really nice. I have a band I found today that I totally love. But I'm not telling; because they're going to be my little secret. I'm going to listen to them when I go and just sit under the starts and think. I hope I do more writing up here. I'm starting to "dream" now that this year is just me writing, and then next year I'll find a band and we will start playing. I'm learning a lot about music and it's really cool and kind of fun. It's nice too, being able to actually write down some of the melodies and chorus that I have made up in my head. And how awesome is it that I don't have to worry about people wanting to play a different style of music? I'm the one writing it. Maybe I'll be the start of the next Rocket Summer. Except unlike him (i so just forgot his name) I won't sing. Because that would be bad. We'll I think that's about it. I hate days when it seems like they just drag by, and I have things to do, but I don't have the energy, then at night I just start writing and become wide awake. I get energy. I hope she does the right thing for her. I hope my mind (doesn't) stay off of you and the past. The buildings in the city guide me back to where I started. Something is nice about looking up and seeing tall buildings, but still seeing that one star in the sky above all of the atmosphere.

<3

Most of my heart goes out to Travis Barker right now; the rest is here:

In the dictionary:

Lie comes before love

Heal comes before help

heal comes after death

Suicide is way closer to sane than insane

you is closer to me than him

truth lies in between right and wrong

Songs and scars are close together

as are words and weapons

jealously and murder are close enough to flirt a lot

steal is far away from heart, but right next to stone

lust and love get tangled up

depressed or delusional?

stars or showers?

healing or hiding?

running or real?

fear or fake?

caring or careless?


Of these, the only word to come before fake is death

interesting, our english language. Isn't it?

alone always,
<3

I blew shit up tonight with my friends.

I'm In my dorm room. Somewhere between the point of too tired and not tired enough. I hate how some people can get when they are drunk. It's so loud sometimes and I just want to sleep. I've herd the same fucking song coming from the room across the hall about ten times. I don't even know if anyone is in the room. But I guess it's all part of the atmosphere. I miss parts of home every now and then. Two of my closest friends are sleeping on the floor right now. They came up to see me. Visitors are nice. Expected and unexpected.
I really hope I'm not running away from everything and just not realizing it. I worry about that from time to time up here. I want to write an album with lyrics that are nothing but my idea of me. Some will be very hateful, some might be very caring. This will probably be the only time I'll mention this, so feel special if you're reading it. Who knows if it'll happen. My dreams are in front of me. Right now it's just a matter of figuring out which ones I should try too grab and which one's I have to let slip by.


<3

Currently,

trying to figure out what exactly to write about. What order and what words should fill up that little booklet in the front of the Cd that half the people who buy the Cd dont even care about. Even though I will probably never get to the point of making a Cd. But hey, if I look up at night and the sky is clear, then the stars tell me I can dream. And the moon tells me to stay alone.

<3

dear you fucked up ignorant pricks that hear shit about me, and love to talk about it

I don't care what you think of me. Some people can say that, but i truly mean it. The more you know about someone, the better chance you have of understanding them. I could give you all a book about me and you still wouldn't have a fucking clue. But go on, take this gossip, and turn it into drama and try to hold on to it as long as you can. Think about other people's lives and say how fucked up other people are when you don't even know yourself. Before for you judge me, looking in the mirror. But in order to do that you have to wipe off your eyes and wash the shit out of your mouth; because so far in life your head has only been up your ass. And your hearts, well they have no idea what it feels like to skip a beat.


<.... no, not even a little bit right now

*middle finger* (keep it up, because the one to the right of it will always be down. There will never be something to put around it)

Awkward Mornings are the one's alone

I have dreams every night if i don't write before i fall asleep and if I don't listen to a specific cd while i'm falling asleep. When I wake up, unexpected things are filling my mind. My heart doesn't know what to do. But my mind, it's always thinking about some one it shouldn't be. And by that, I don't mean you; because in my fucked up world, it's still ok to think about you. I turn over and close my eyes, I'm not ready for any of this yet. "5 more minutes", as I beg my brain to think about someone else. and it never works. I'm not ready for today. I'm sitting in bed with the shades shut. The only light is coming for this screen. I don't want to start today. I want to go back to sleep. Don't you get it? This is me trying to move on. This is me moving and hour and a half away, being in college and staying busy. But when I wake up, the only thing I feel comfortable thinking about it you. I'm sorry, hate me for it. Sometimes I wish it was something else too. "all you need is love" But I'm still searching for mine. I'm sitting at the lighthouse waiting for the beam to guide you back to me. Or bring something that just might cure me from all of this. But every flash just shows me what's ahead of me in this life. Nothing.


I asked to go to a land where I wouldn't think of you; the directions they gave me led me to a city where every old feeling from my town is hiding in between the cracks on the road I walk at night.
<3

fallow me into hell

my heart still breaks every time ur's skips a beat



<3

I just want to be a present memory

Parent " I Love you"
Child *silence*
Parent "good night"
Child "night"

i wonder how many households that happens in. i bet you more people say it and dont mean it than don't say it.

that's my thought of the night. I'm trying to not be depressed right now, I have classes 2mrw nd shit to do.

Put up the Peace sign, Put the index down
<3

let's go on a journey without medication

I leave the building. It's no nice to just get out. Sometimes I don't even care where I'm going and whether or not I end up there. I've been in this building for most of the day. You could say I'm depressed. I want to get out of here, cause sometimes sitting in the same room just makes you realize how much more worthless you really are. I cross the street. Immediately I want to get away from people. A walk along the water is nice. "A calm river will calm you down boy". I don't know why I put that in quotes, to me that's my original thought. But I'm sure someone has thought of it at one time or another. I walk to the bench that I had called my own. It's my first place to "escape" up here. It's the first place I found. But tonight I keep going. I have a different destination in mind. Besides, sometimes you just need to run away; and sometimes you need to run away as far away from everything as possible. I'm mainly focused on the scenery, the atmosphere around me. This is all new, this walk is for the future walks where I can focus more on the thoughts in my head and heart. I walk to a somewhat familiar place. I'll be just a few blocks away from it for the next four years, but I will never be the reason those parking lots fill up. I walk around the rotary. The long way. Only because someone is walking the other way, and I don't want to be with anyone right now. I look down and remember the busses being there. I remember the stairs where I stood with my best friend freezing our asses off, as we fear our balls would shrink so small they wouldn't ever come back. I look inside and continue, walk down the large walkway where I sat for hours in line. Walk over to the side entrance, but then down a little further. There is a nice little place here. Get rid of the lights, and it'd be perfect to just lay and look at the stars. I go towards the river, and take the walkway alongside it. They call it the river walk, but trees block the view. I stop on the bridge. I think it'd be cool if it just collapsed. I'd hold onto a piece of wood and just float down the river. I'd be able to just float away. No one would know what happened, and no one would understand. I continue walking. The nice walkway ends and an alley is ahead. I become anxious of who I might meet in here. I walk through, and start to head back. It seems like cars are parked on every part of the street they're not supposed to be. Here I go, headed back to the room. Back to where all the mistakes are waiting for me. Where reality lives. I decide to make the journey a little longer, and go back the way I started. This is a mistake. Then it happens. I think of you. This whole time I hadn't. I move on from it though. This isn't a good time to dwell on any of that, I'm going back to reality. I come back to end my walk, and now am just thinking about getting into my room and going on my computer to type all of this. I think about how much I missed writing the past few days. I try to make sense of new things (everything up here) when I don't have the older one's (home) figured out.

This was my night. I decided to write it so maybe some other night someone else can live it.
This is my life. I'm deciding to write it so maybe some other time someone else can live it.

<3

"I'm done with all that shit. I've moved on from this town"

those were my words. words that i was luckily able to catch right before my lips opened to let them out. Because it is a lie. That's more of a goal that I will probably never accomplish. Some things I have let go of. Others I can't. A few, I never want to. The only thing that coming back to this town did was remind me of everything I hate about it. If you really want to change, you have to change the atmosphere around you. You have to really get away from everything permanently. And I can't even promise that it will work. But being stuck in one place that you don't want to be will never get you anywhere you want to be. I came back home for the weekend. I forget the headaches. They were waiting, and greeted me when I arrived here.
From the second you pack the last bag and start the car, everything your driving away from is forgetting you.
But you can never forget it.
No matter how much you are trying to.
<3

sometimes being happy just makes me miss being sad so much

i herd that earlier this week a kid killed himself up here. jumped off a bridge they say "one does it every year" it just kid of sets me back. i think about how many times that could've (should've) been me. as i walk over the bridge i look down. not today i think in my head. i wish i had met that kid. i hope that someday in my pathetic life i stop someone from doing that (suicide). Then, and only, maybe just maybe then. I could forgive myself. I hate how nothing up here reminds me of my past. Nothing yet anyway. Sometimes I like to just think about the past. The day I thought I got you out of my head, you just ran straight to my heart. lets go to the tallest building and jump. we'll race our fears to the ground. It's the only way we won't get have to ever live without one another. im the leaf and you're the water. you can stay for a little while. but sooner or later you will move on to other places. and then im most likely to just fall to the ground. will life change? saw my shadow beating me to my future. push the button and sound the alarm. listen for the sirens as they get louder and louder. The boy stands there and watches and the police and paramedics are rushing out and running towards him as the fire truck comes down the street. "There's no emergency here," the boy says, "I just needed to know that somebody is willing to save me. Thanks," He says has he walks away.

I'll be back in the town i grew up in tomm. I'm trying to not call it home anymore, because I've realized that it isn't one to me. See the old faces and bring back the new fake smiles and awkward feelings of never quite fitting in. But at least down there, people actually know me a good amount. I can't say that about anyone up here yet.
Go count up the money you have right now.
And then go give it to charity.
Or just do something good.
Show somebody you're willing to save them.
<3

Don't forget to give hugs and tell people how much you care about them

I like this. I feel so much better about it than this summer. It ain't great yet, but who knows what'll happen. this is my life. its odd trying to take it all in. almost seems like im going with it all, and taking it in slowly. making new friends is always hard. the most compatible people can never meet, because it's just in their personality to be alone. why let people in or seem friendly when your not? opportunities are what we make them. So much here just asks me to forget about my past. to move on and consider this a new life. part of me wants to. part of me will never let go. i feel like so much of what i want to do is influenced on the past though. this is a new part of my life however. who knows what i'll make of it. who knows how i'll change. i know i can never let go. and i think im realizing that i dont have to let go of anything, but i can still move on a little bit. memories will always be there and i can go back to them whenever i need to. my heart is a whole different story. the scientists told me that they will probably create a robot that knows how to love before they figure out how exactly mine works. it's like there's a village in my heart. but there's two sides to the village along with an idiot just stuck in the middle of it all. i could look at all the bad aspects of this and probably end up back home with numerous future dates with a couple of couches in different offices. but i'm not. im surprisingly trying to be optimistic. my brain is starting up a lot of work and taking a few extra hours. my heart is getting a little bit of a rest.

<3

Sitting in my room becoming homesick.

I've never been good at saying good bye. I don't think I've ever been able to let go.
I'm a little scared, but I'm excited. I'm going to try to stay positive up there.
I'm going to miss a few people.
Other's I'm glad to get away from.
But I won't be gone forever.
I'm leaving soon.
I'm getting ready.
Can you hold it steady for one more night?
I'll be looking at the stars from a different angle.
Who's calling the shots when your strangled
by you own lies?
My heart is constantly pouring itself into this computer. And I'm not leaving any of that behind.
So I guess that's something.
I guess I've got something.

Packing all my memories in a suitcase.
<3

headlights and headaches

sometimes my head just pounds. it tells me i should just go to sleep and not even bother trying to write.

what is going to happen to me?
where will i be a year from now?
ten?
will i even be alive still?

there's no use to all of this
I'm just going to be a let down.
hero's never have slit wrist.

<3

Early mornings start at 9 for me

If I just started telling myself I'm over u and over getting hurt, would this all go away?



Dear words,
I've decided we are in an abusive relationship. But you'll stay won't you?


<3

I'm trying to be me, whoever that is...

i want to be original. but inconsistent. make life interesting, but not to much. it's so easy to forget who you are. We are so lost that sometimes we just basically let other people run our lives. But how good is life then?
Sometimes i wonder if i just keep people around so i have a life right now that i can run to when i'm sick of thinking about the past, or it gets too complicated. But what's weird, is that words i read off of this screen im staring at right now; can make me feel less alone than any person I am around on a daily basis. Is my life just sitting home and waiting for the next message?
Do you remember our hugs? cause i do. and i miss them. hell, i almost want to call you right now. but that would cause so much drama i would never come home from college and probably disown this town. i look at you, and the first word that comes to mind is empty. but i fell for it all. for over a year, i bought it. I believed all the lies. I thought that every tear drop and look of concern had meaning behind it. but i was so wrong. i get angry, i just want to write horrible things about you sometimes. but honestly, how can a human being really not care that much? i just don't get it. It's why i wonder if you're worse than me. at life. for lack of a better word right there. i still find myself attracted to you. Maybe it's my only (false) hope that i won't scream the pains of my first love. I used to go to you for help about that. But now you just make me realize how much i miss that.
Not even realizing it, but you still make me feel lonely everyday. I'm done seeing my therapist. Seeing I'm going up to college now. I wish i could say that i won't ever have to go back to one. But i feel like i will need to within a year. It's not bad i guess though. It's nice to have someone listen that really can't judge most of the time. That isn't stuck in the middle of all the same shit you dug yourself into.

<3

Where are you now?

in ten days i wont be around anyone i know. i wont have a close attachment to anyone. all i will do is think about the past. about my first love and how i lost is. and about the person i at one time called my best friend who, i feel, completely fucked me over. i will hopefully write a lot. songs will form. but they're actually only poetry. songs require music. and that's only in my head.

if you subtract .1% from love, i think i can describe how i feel about you.
i care so much. i care enough. if you think it's possible to care to much, then im the man to study and find out. im the one to test. cause i dont lie when id say i would die in a heart beat for you. its not completely caring though. dont think its all so sweet. i mean, part of the reason i would is just because i have no reason to live. i dont really feel worth it. everyday i kill my potential. what do you think about in the morning when you first wake up? the moon sifts the tides, but what about the blood in my heart? is it not getting enough, or maybe too much. im never going to be good for anything. either way.
no matter how much i help, if i hurt once, i feel like i've failed. myself and you.
because i know how much of a difference that one chance could make in a life.

all i want to do is help and figure out myself
all i want to do is help and hurt people
i guess its the same thing

we are a magnet. sometimes we attract each other. sometimes one of us will switch a side, and just push away the other person. it will always happen this way. it can't change. it's a fact.
<3

here's my second chance. lets hope i dont need a third.

i care more about the dog that lives across the street from you
but these pages always seemed to be filled up by you.
and when they're not, it feels like they should be.

so maybe i'll give this empty white space what it wants.
maybe i'll write you off over and over again
spend my whole life hoping that maybe one day you'll realize that you aren't better than me
its a goal
the lights tell me i shouldn't be outside.
but my heart tells me i shouldn't be here at all
im leaving soon
not soon enough for some.
for me, i can't decided.
i just feel a little better every night like this, because they make the words for into something more than sentences.
they become more reliable than you ever were

<3

the survival rate will be zero one day

im scared. i dont know what he's talking about. i wonder if the end is here for them. i always hoped that it would at least be a time when i was on track it would end. i really hope they stick through this again. i look at him as my role model. as the guardian. as so much more than i can put into words at this moment. they together, are my hope. they form the tempo that has lasted through everything i've gone through. they ARE my heartbeat. i dont want this to go down. id rather die before they do.


<3

The moon is making this night so comfortable

im sitting outside. had a staring contest with the moon. it won. i feel like i could sit out here all night. my eye lids would eventually fall shut. but there is something about this moon. the sky looks so different with it. full moons are a small part of what makes me feel home. some nights i dont know whether to write fuck off, or that i really miss you. its weird. do these days write my moods? maybe my friends do. i wish i never allowed how someone else felt control how i did. but i guess thats impossible without not caring. love. sometimes i just feel like saying it. maybe as a goal. maybe as a memory. maybe just to try to be like everyone else in the world and say it too much. i want to fly. just put a jet pack on and go forever. dye a star red so you'll never forget about the blood i've spilt over you. not in a haunting way. but in the way where we can learn something from everything. i want everyone to remember the past. i want everyone to remember me when they hear ____________. i want to just help people. i want to help myself. but more so i want to prove that i still care. dive in front of a car and die just pushing you out of the way. its hard to go through life. i am in charge of myself, but if you came back to me, would i still be? or would i let you take over? im the tortoise and your the hare. lets race. its sad how i still wonder if i've helped more people than i've hurt. I doubt i'll ever stop debating that question with myself. i hate how i transform what you call a great friendship into something so much more confusing. when did that start, the same time as the heart break begun or the same time as the constant feeling of being fucked? does it all go back to a girl? or just me? or my family? or a combination of everything twisted up so much that it couldn't be figured out even if i had 50 lifetimes? why do i even try to figure out the past, when the present isn't at a standstill. life is so confusing. sometimes we need someone else to write it for us. we just want to go to the shows and jump in the mosh. i want to think clearly again. i want to write my biggest fears as poetry. i want to share them with anyone that will listen. i want to make you happy again. i want to live.

<3

whats helping is hurting the most

it just doesn't make sense. sometimes we just need things to be just right. sometimes we need to be lied to.

if i scream out my fears
will you always hear?
if i died, would u cry?
tell me everything is perfect.
tell me you'll always be there.
someone will always care
you'll answer the phone every time i call.
you'll save me every time i fall.
feed me the lies cause it's all i know
they kill me inside, but they keep me alive
the doctors and pills
all because the truth kills

but tonight murder will happen
tonight, i dont care
im ready to die so take me
im ready to die, dont try to save me
how ever i go
you wont know

just do me one favor,
when im gone;
dont say it brought pain to your heart
you never really cared
if only i knew that from the start

i dont even know how to say it all. i always try. but im never right. what the fuck happened to that friendship? how can i say so many horrible things about you; but right now, miss you. how?
<3

yeah.....

right now my words just can't fit in with each other the right way. he brought tears to my eyes today. it felt weird, because sometimes old feelings become so old that they don't seem familiar. but i hope that feeling doesn't for awhile.

"two more weeks"* will always mean the world to me.

i dont even know how to describe today.
check back.
maybe i will be able to 2mrw.

<3

Sometimes it's so hard to move on

I feel lost. Sometimes i get scared that everything I think I've already figured out is wrong. And if that's true, then I'm left with nothing. I feel like I'm dying to be alone. But I can't resist getting out and getting together with people. Even when it's not what i really want to do. I have a hard time saying no.
I feel like I'm not getting anything figured out lately. I'm just stuck in this trap. I'm being sucked in, and I have no idea how to pull out. I love you to much to write shit about you. And I don't hate her enough to focus on it. So i wonder if I have anything worth really writing about. I'm lost. I care too much to say anything horrible. All I want to do is relive our past. It might be hard to believe, but in between the doctors visits, the scars, and the countless nights of feeling alone (whether or not i really am); I've looked for things better. I've tried to make better memories. I've tried, but I haven't. And I don't even know what I want. I have accepted I'll be alone. However, I feel like I'm losing the reason I'm being alone. The other people. I feel like I can't really help anyone right now. Like no one really needs help. And I'm just afraid that when I go to college there won't be anyone there that I will find that will come to me with problems. I mean actual problems, like feeling alone. I guess i think that by this age, everyone has either accepted it or dealt with it or changed. No one is left like me. Since I lost my first love, one thing has helped me to keep going, and that's helping other people. But right now I feel like nobody really needs me. Right now I feel kinda of useless. This isn't a feeling I can write about and make into a song. This is the feeling that leads to a true tragic ending.
I'm not ready to move on. I'm waiting to fall back. I want to fall hard. But it's like when your getting a shot at the doctors. You know it's good and it's going to help, but its natural for you to wince and not want it because you know it will initially hurt. I'm not saying I want to literally fall obviously, but i want to fall away from everyone. I want to put up a temporary barrier so strong that a car couldn't drive through it. A door that not even chuck norris himself could kick down. But every time I hear somebody knocking, I can't help but get up and peak to see who it is. And most of the time I'll end up letting them in. I feel lost from myself. Im used to being lost from everyone else, but this.... this is new.

<3

im like gravity, i just always drag everyone else down

we cant push away from each other completely. i wish we could sometimes. sometimes i wish we could work everything out. you could write all of this same stuff about me. but please tell me, should i put some effort into us and try to fix this friendship, or just move on and try to forget you without letting my heart hurt anymore from you and our hopeless plans that always find a way of slipping through the cracks and falling through. we dont know. not enough strength to move on, but not enough to take an initiative to get together and fix this either. We are just stuck in this hole. and we go on.

this is the mess im in. along with so many fears about college. and so much other shit. sometimes things get to us, sometimes they dont.


lost
<3

Fragile Future is my heartbeat right now

feeling lost and lonely everyday and every night. but i'm getting through them. you really have to push away everything and everyone to do what you want to some times. it's hard to do. wish i could just escape for a few days with nothing but this laptop, my notebooks, and headphones. lay under the stars at night. think about everything and then think again.

this cd has made me realize that when we broke up, afterwards... there were times i did feel completely hopeless. times that my first love was really pretty much dead to me.
think about that. then maybe you can start to understand me.

but i guess all i'd like to die with is having more figured out about myself then anyone else has figured out about me. cause that's what im trying to do the most here. with all of this. figure me out.

i hope i don't fuck up yet another friendship. so far, looking for love the same place i look for comfort, sympathy and sorrow hasn't worked for me. i can look at it as, i'll always care too much rather than too little. but i dont want to fuck up somebody else's life. i dont want to get too close. i want to feel like this. until true love comes back, or until i die.

Go buy Hawthrone Heights new cd right now. I dont give a shit what you're doing, or what time it is. There's a fucking 24 hour wall mart around you somewhere. Just be nice to the underpaid people working there. or if your not, at least make a video and put it on youtube so the rest of us can laugh.

<3

is life really what you think?

i've realized that i'm so lost i have to just ignore some of the questions i ask myself. i have to lie to myself and pretend that i have some things figured out right now. because with what i actually have figured out, it'll take me lifetimes to understand just a little bit of what i'd love to. some im taking a new approach. trying to really clear my head and just write for a few days. go back and look at everything i've wrote. change things. make it into songs. this and that.
dont ever keep your emotions inside.

i hope i never wake up and become everything that i dont want to be right now.
help me help myself.
let me feel alone again for a little while.
come back pain, just for a few days.
searching for misery to bring me back to what i felt.
completely lost
im doing it for me
and im doing it for them

my best line is always going to be whatever the last thing said was the last time we spoke.
but my best verse, im hoping that is formed tomm.

<3

today i want to write 40 songs

almost called you today so i could remember what it feels like to be betrated

how does it work?
how does one man that I've never actually talked to, never sat in a room with, and only know about through the internet make such an impact in my life?

spend today alone. that way i'll know i won't be the only one doing so. think about your life, your friends, and everything important to you. make sure it's all going okay and in the directions you want.

<3

U'll always have me beat by one

all of this. the songs the shows the music, the stupid shit that is done, the friends. Even on it's best day; when you add it all up, it fall shorts of love.

trying to remember how to be alone. I want it, but I don't want the pain. And all I've been getting the past month is pain strictly in the form of truth. I've started realizing how hard it is to get a band and go somewhere with it. My mind has had battles trying to make me realize that it probably won't happen. and my heart needs a break. maybe it won't happen. those 4 words make me feel more worthless then "i don't love you".

wipe off the blood
just to throw in the towel
i try to keep going because
frankly, this is all i know
we never had a candlelight dinner
and i know now she's the winner
cause all i have is this
and it's something
but it's not a first kiss

first kiss
to bloody wrist
how'd i get here?
what path did i take
by the end of this year
will i still feel fake?
im the mistake
filled with hate
heart's a 20 pound weight
ask life to wait
call my future,
tell it i'll be late

college
scaresme
<3

every good thought in my mind tonight was taken from me

would you believe it? it happens sometimes, and it sucks.
but i do know, that I had a really great conversation last night for the first time in months. whoever you are, sometimes you need to just sit and remember that people have it a lot worse than you in life. I know I've forgotten that at times. stars, im going to see a lot of you soon. i hope we form a good relationship. btw, ace enders is amazing. and his music is as awesome as a beach where the sand doesn't stick to you when you get out of the water. i have this picture stuck in my head. the moon has blue square police lights above it. and some shadowy kid (probably just another nobody... probably me) is running down the street. i want to draw it, but i totally suck at drawing. I can color inside the lines and all but my free hand drawing is as good as my freestyle rapping. its just not good. so even thought almost nobody reads these, you should draw that and leave it as a comment or show it 2 me somehow. it just might make my day.

some people just haven't realized yet that they're afraid of being alone.
we all are.

some nights lust can be good
but only for the night
move on in the morning
good back to never being understood
and always feeling a pitch off of right

sleep tight
but hold me tighter
im light
your the lighter
give me oxygen
let me breath
i'll say it again
please don't ever leave
<3

I just wonder,

if i got you to realize your life is worth something, and then you just fuck it all up and we grow apart; was it worth it?


more soon
<3

what good is a hot sumer night

when you have no way to cool down?

saw your face in my dreams
woke up and today wasn't what it seemed
tricks are being played on me again
I'll feel "emo" then
cut my wrists to feel alive
see my potential then take a dive
a dive towards the lies
that together form my life
but this world doesn't know who i am
this world is to ignorant to take a stand
how can a boy become a man
when when he says "i can't" no one says "you can"
this worlds fucked up but i still want to see it
they say love is gone but i dont believe it
i had it
i lost it
"too bad kid"
well then fuck off
tonight i jump out my window and drive away from what they think is my home
friday nights are so boring when your alone

<3

Tomorrow

is mother fucking Warped Tour!!!!


<3

I came back to this house

Call me a fake. Call me a hypocrite. I just ran away from my main problem. I couldn't take it all. It wasn't so much that I was really homesick, It was that I didn't enjoy the actual program. That I didn't make any friends. That I didn't meet anyone into the same type of music im into. It's so odd, you see some many people at shows, and artist sell millions of records. But sometimes it's so hard to just find one other fan besides yourself. I actually liked the city. I don't know if I'd live there one day. It's hard to find a place to escape to. Three years and I'm still searching for a place to call home.
I don't know what's going to happen to me. I realized the odds of actually becoming a musician in a band, and making it. Maybe that won't ever happen, maybe it will. But I will be surrounding myself in something I love. And I wasn't exactly doing that. There were too many different styles and ways about going about things up there. I need to find my own right here. Feel somewhat solid with it, so I'll be able to go off to college. I hope I don't just end up wasting the next 5-6 weeks. I hope I make something out of my time.

Off to bed, and yes I asked the boogieman; he's found his comfortable place under my bed.
Besides, in the city, you can't see the stars
<3

letting it out is making the world's biggest mess

as salty tears drip down my face
i realize this isn't my place
i don't belong here
get me out now
i'm dying here
i dont care how
hold me tonight or i'll die
cause if you dont
my body will float
im done with the fight
suicide tonight

going back and forth

i love weekends with old friends. no matter where you are, it's nice to escape to other places. new and old. i guess we all get a little homesick sometimes. no matter how much home has sucked in the past. it's weird in a way, cause i almost feel like im living 2 lives. getting adapted takes time. so does everything.

next weekend i am getting pushed into a curb from a shopping cart ill b riding in. i'm excited.

<3

Is this really what growing up is all about?

going off to college. leaving everything you've had behind. i dont want school to control my life for 4 years. maybe you can say i got spoiled. but i dont want to get used to this. i almost feel like im just going to be running from all of the problems in my town. all of the fears i've had there. is going away moving forward in life, or just moving backwards because you're really just running away? i dont want to make new friends, i dont want to change. for the most part, i like the way i am and the friends i have. maybe you just need some one to "run away" with. maybe that's why it feels like it's gona be so hard for me and at times its hard now. i think after college ill be able to be someone i want to be. go somewhere ill feel just the slightest bit at home. but im giving myself 4 years to be able to fuck up all of that.

pack my bags and say goodbye
im running away just so i can run back
no one is by my side as i write this track
when i got here no one was waiting to say hi

would you believe that once again, im lonely?
it's the same old story about falling down
my heart is tied to the ground
no more dark streetlights in small towns
i take in all the city's sights and sounds
leaving the life i knew, im college bound
i will get lost, but never found
i will get scared, and live feeling down
for me what's in store? another heartbreak with no pity
hit the floor; im holding up the city
until it lets me leave
easily
peacefully
quitely
but please, right now, just lie to me
say its going to be alright

<3

this one might seem a little different

it feels like i've been up here for a while. so much more than three days. i wonder if when you enter this city, you become placed in a snow globe. so other people can just watch everything thats going on. i feel like i've gotten a lot more personal with my writing on here since i came up here. but as i was half asleep in my room at 3 i found myself realizing what one of my present and future biggest fears is. and i've decided to share it:
i get worried that when i go to college, i won't be in any sort of position where i'll be able to help people. by college there's no one that will appear to need help. by that time, people are pretty much on the right path or on the wrong path. i'm good at looking for people who are stuck in the middle or just alone, and helping them. i think i am anyway. but those people go down the wrong roads and just can't come back. maybe people will disagree with what im saying right now, but this is only one idea and viewpoint out of the millions we all make through out our lives. people will just go to parties and get drunk every night, fuck people they don't even really know. or just go do drugs. or just do completely stupid illegal shit. they say they're doing all of these things because it makes them feel good. but it really is just an easy way for them to forget and run away from their problems. they get used to that life style and it's hard to change. but if you really get to know some one like that, they probably aren't happy with their lives. then again, its hard to find people that are. what really makes me happy, and feel alive and worth something is when i help someone. and yes as of right now theirs only a handful of people i feel i've done that for. but i want there to be more. and im afraid that i wont find people like that in college. and im afraid that over time ill lose touch with my friends back home. so i'll have no one to help. why this really scares me too, is usually the people that you help are also the people that can help you the most. i think these reasons are why i was scared the first couple of days i was here. but i've realized this is only for 5 weeks, and here is more just focus on music. just music. and let everything else slip away. i don't let everything else slip away, but i have been focusing on music more.
now i don't even know if ill post this, but if i end up doing that, let me clear up a few things your probably thinking right now:
im not saying don't ever drink or smoke or have sex or anything. just about everyone experiments. but don't make it a habit to do any of those things. im 18 and i still have never drank or smoked. also, i have done and hope to do a lot more stupid shit. there are always certain times in our lives where for the moment it's nice to just get away from things. there is a difference between taking a break and running away. but i think im done with my rant. it's long enough right now.

this city is so different from my boring town. i kinda like it.
jogged around fenway park yest.
if you dont think that's a cool way to end this post then your probably someone who takes to big of a first bite from a popsicle stick.
or your a yankees fan.... dumb ass
<3

after i write this, the rest of the day i'll prob feel like shit

Devote this to the hopeless

give me medication again
i feel too alone here
no one to call a friend
no one cares to hear my fears
and no one could bear
walking around with a heart like this
your close to writing hits
im close to calling it quits
its why these words will never be herd

living in this house
away from the place that it never felt right to call home
as quite as a mouse
i whisper, once again i'm all alone

i miss the few friends i have in the town
even thought i consider half of those few fake
drop me in the middle of a lake where no one fishes
in the middle of the night
no one will hear me, (no one ever has), i won't make a sound
as once again i sink to the bottom
and drown


they tell us we can all make a difference. we can all find someone, we just have to look. but they're wrong. i've looked and looked. im the lost seaman that will never find his way. they say we can all be friendly, we can walk up and start a conversation. but what if we don't have the strength to do that? i need friends that will be there for me. that won't give up. that will make the first effort to help me when im hurt. and i ask, how can they do all of that if they can't even come up and say hi? so i wait. and i've looked for people that seem like me. those are the only people ill go up to. but so far, i haven't found any of them either. Boston, your a great city. but with all the people here, do you think you could find one that will be my friend? a good friend. cause if not, im sorry, but i think im going to have to pack my bags and go back to the town i've been dying to get out of. how good is life, and some of its best opportunities if you don't have anyone to share them with?

<3